Here is a much cleaned-up version of the post, along with the second half of it.Nephilim said:If someone could give me some pointers on Chapter 13, it would really help. I find there were parts of it in the middle I didn't like, but don't know how to fix. I think some eyes that don't belong to me might help.
Comma usage messes up the sentence readability. It would be smoother as: “Since Jade, Natalya, and Iratha had arrived in Harrogath, the captain (or ‘Slayer,’ as the Barbarians themselves called the position) had been replaced six times.” This would edit out the introduction of Iratha, but that could have been done when she was mentioned earlier in the paragraph.Jade stood by Natalya, another Assassin, in a crowd of their fellows at the bottom of the staircase. At the forefront were Vidala, Isenhart, and Regha. Behind them were Sander, the oldest of the two Necromancers she had met, and Ragnar, the latest captain of Harrogath's Barbarians. Since, Jade, Natalya, and Iratha, a third in their party, had arrived in Harrogath, the captain (or "Slayer," as the Barbarians themselves called the position) had been replaced six times. Ragnar himself had been given the position in the field during the chaotic mess of a battle with the Ancient Ones, when his superior had fallen to one of Madawc's seemingly pristine axes found its way between his eyes, as most of Madawc's axes had the habit of doing.
Tense changes make it confusing which succubi you’re talking about in the second sentence. Also, “She tore at her face…” come on, Nephilim. It should be “bloodied Sorceress” in the last sentence, but that’s a real nit-pick from me.Jade stabbed a screaming succubus in the neck as she fell towards her. The party erupted into battle. These succubi were not the same they had seen coming up the mountain. They were hairless, and sprouted curling, ivory horns, and had leathery bat-wings as opposed to the feathered variety they had encountered before. Aside from that, they were quicker, leaner, and more ruthless. Their knee-high boots were braces with metallic blades, and they spun through the air kicking and slashing with their talons. Jade jumped and spun, slicing one along the line of her mouth, and landed beside Regha, just as a succubus landed on the Sorceress and bowled both of them over. She tore at her face, and Regha desperately beat the demon with her staff to try and fend her off. Jade rolled to her feet, and drew a shuriken from her belt. With a flick of her wrist, the cruel metal star flew into the back of the creature's neck, severing her spinal cord. She fell lifelessly on the bloodies Sorceress.
Ouch. Who’s the she?The nod of thanks she gave, Jade didn't see, she turned and moved onto the next demon immediately. She glanced at the druids…
Sensed the intruder, maybe?Jade glanced fleetingly at Iratha, who, she could tell, had also sent the intruder.
Okay, most nit-picky thing I’ve ever done (so far, I’m not finished…): you used cruel a while ago to describe one of Jade’s shuriken (shuriken is the plural also, right?). This just reminded me of it. Back then, I thought that it was a pretty weird word to have, as cruel is usually associated with evil (or a really sexy prefix), but it really flipped the meanings of a basic word around in this case. Okay, the shuriken can be cruel (it’s a weapon, it was designed to cause bodily harm), but in this case, you’re describing the light given off by the soulstone. The soulstone could be cruelly glowing with a yellow light or glowing cruelly or emanating cruelty, but the light itself isn’t cruel (and especially not cruel in the precedented manner). Yes, I just made up a word.[Baal] had a grin with too many teeth on his pasty features, and his long, slender fingers caressed the Soulstone about his neck, glowing with a cruel yellow light.
ClichÃ©? Yes. Sexy statement? Oh yea. “Mortally wounded” is a standby, and it really sounds better than fatally wounded.Aldur was fatally wounded on the ground
That’s two “ands” continuing a sentence, and that’s not good, and you should change it. Although in this case, the second “, and” should simply be an “and”.[Baal] smiled up at [Mordibande] deviously, and she sailed over his head, and into the chaotic gateway behind him.
Should be “body.”Listor grabbed Iratha by the shoulders, lifted her bodily off the ground
Should be screech.Iratha screamed, blood splattering up from her gullet with every screeh
Hmm, I’m not a big fan of saying important things in plain words. This could be stronger, I think. If you want something simple “Jade’s stomach turned” is a little bit stronger, as it’s not making as grand a statement in three words.Jade's heart broke.
This is really a run-on. Break it up into two or even three sentences.And then, she reached up, and tore the blade from the wound she had previously inflicted upon him, and drove it, and, flailing to defend herself with her other, handless arm, she drove the shard of metal into his neck.
I’ve gone through this before, this is a ton of “, ands.” You could take out the “, and then.” We all know that you’re talking about Lister, so it could just as easily be “He withdrew it and looked at it for a moment in shock before falling over, dead.”He withdrew it, looked at it for a moment, and then dropped the bloodied blade, and fell onto his side, dead.
I really liked this. I just thought that I’d point that out. My post was starting to look darker than the new Milky Way bars. Thank you, Marge, for that zinger.Iratha coughed, and Jade felt a warm drop of blood splatter onto her face. "Don't waste time on this sentimentality," she scolded. "Natalya needs you. I can die alone."
"But I will," Iratha said firmly.
Matt would like to make the motion to have this passive sentence deleted. “When it happened” has ticked me off since I read some Encyclopedia Brown where they built up all this suspense and then said something like, “Just then, it happened.” It completely ruined the moment. Having a passive sentence in a battle is bad enough, but “it happened” is like having the phone ring during sex.She was about to set her foot on the first step when it suddenly happened.
Could be changed into, “which now burned with a cold, blue fire,” or alternatively a cold, blue flame. Commas between adjectives help readability, but the rest of the sentence has to change, lest too many commas befall this gentle, unsuspecting sentence, which would be a bad, eye-burning way for a sentence to die.…which burned a cold blue fire, now.
I’m not sure the reason for why this is bad, but it is. Here are some possibilities:[Jade] felt herself twist and disperse within it. She could feel it because of her astonishing abilities to feel such things.
AHA! A person from Europe! That makes them a communist!Colour
I’m not positive, but wouldn’t it be “then?” I’m really not sure, but my gut is telling me that it should be then. Look it up—I’m too lazy.“If not his will, than another's…”
Jade’s speech is really good. For me, anyway, it put the story into perspective and shed a new light on everyone. It also shows how Jade changed after Moribande’s testimony.Jade looked up. “Should it be? Should we strive to survive, and be satisfied with mere survival? Why bother fending off demons from other worlds when wars still rage across our own lands, between brother and brother?” Jade sighed, and walked over to the canyon wall, touching it with her palm. “If we succeeded, then why do we still fight?”
Bohdan looked to Kala. “What do you say to that?”
“A century later”? How long have the Ancient Ones been on Arreat? Yea. That ain’t no century I’ve ever heard of. I think that it's at least implied that they have been there for eons (and they might have even said that in their, "We are the spirits of the Nephalem, the Ancient Ones..." speech.“And if I am innocent, then why did he damn me only to serve you a century later?”
That’s two “, ands.” Although for some reason, it didn’t bother me at all in this sentence.And very, very soon, she was lost to sight, and the three adventurers turned, and followed the canyon wall.
stuff, so it's significantly harder to read.
Yeah, I'll take it out. It's derivative, too.Forbiddian said:Iâ€™m not sure the reason for why this is bad, but it is. Here are some possibilities:
1) Repetition: Felt, Feel, Feel. No.
2) The word â€œbecause.â€ No.
3) The fact that the second sentence is not needed at all. We already know that she has a spidey-sense.
If you really want to reiterate the fact that Jade owns sensing stuff, word it without the repetition of words. Try something like this: Her senses tingled and she felt herself twist and disperse within the portal.
Okay, that sentence wasnâ€™t that great, but thatâ€™s why Iâ€™m not the author. I feel that if you just combined the two sentences, it would flow better. I felt that because of my astonishing ability to feel sentence structure. Well, not that astonishing, but thatâ€™s why Iâ€™m not a paid editor, either.
Actually, I'm from Canada. That makes me a socialist. But I do wave a red flag. Red and white, that is.Forbiddian said:AHA! A person from Europe! That makes them a communist!
I'll change that. He's supposed to be seriously asking for her insight on the matter, because he values her opinion. But I see how that can be misinterpreted. I didn't detail his tone at all or anything.Forbiddian said:Normally, I donâ€™t pick out really good parts just to display, but I have an ulterior motive for this one. Kala is a legendary seer. Albeit sheâ€™s dead, she was the one that Bul-Kathos spoke to, and she personally called the Ancient Talic to Mount Arreat. Bohdan grew up hearing tales of how great Kala was and he learned to have utmost respect for her. Now Bohdan chucks a borderline-insulting retort at Kala for no real reason?
Yea, Luke Skywalker is Darth Vader's son. If you knew that from the start, the second movie would have kindof sucked... er... 4th movie.Kurran said:Was just wondering if Jade is dead or alive? Somehow I'm not sure about this