What not to do with a Tazer gun.


Diabloii.Net Member
What not to do with a Tazer gun.

I received this in an email a while back and thought I would share it b/c it is pretty funny imo. Hopefully it hasn't been posted before. So read it if you need a laugh and read it again if you already have b/c I bet it will make you chuckle again.

My wife, Gretchen, is fond of saying that my last words on this earth
will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true
story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled
my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I
bought something really cool for Gretchen. The occasion was our 14th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with
a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity
while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your
250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out-way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I
was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so
looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of
electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have
yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a
batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my dog , Moscow,
looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that
would be me, not Moscow) and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about
zapping Moscow for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She
is such a sweet dog, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing
to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to
think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time... So, there I sat in a
pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately
on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The
directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the while I'm
looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4
inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way-trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who
know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting
there alone, Moscow looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a
tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself
a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad
decision is like hindsight-always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that
it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at
the time. (Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
s**t! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in
through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up
on my side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the
oddest position. Moscow was standing over me making barking sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself,
"do it again, do it again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug
yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution.)

There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky,
you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours
truly. SON-OF-A-BIT%CH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure,
as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed **
lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and
handsome if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get
'em back!



Diabloii.Net Member
"now that's funny, i don't care who you are!" GIT 'R DONE!!!!

ok, everytime i read this it makes me laugh so hard i almost make brown...just playing. :( no seriously, i have kept this in my email since you sent it WAY BACK WHEN. it is a good read in time of stress :D plus it is funny as hell to me to picture you in the chair drooling and the kids and i pointing and laughing at you...just messing with ya. *(i could seriously see your dad doing it though, or infinitus!)*


Diabloii.Net Member
That was sound reasoning, except for the part about muscle spamsing...really, all your muscles do is contract, making you unable to let go of something in your hands...

Anyway, that was hilarious all the way around. I also would not have given a taser gun to my wife, just to be sure she couldn't use on on me.


Diabloii.Net Member
In college once, I put on an electric dog collar (the kind that shocks you when you cross a line) and ran around outside the fenced area barking like a dog while being electrocuted for nearly a minute. It was a bet, and I cleaned house. Later that night, I repeated put out cigarettes on the palm of my hand for $10 each. When the liquor wore off I was quite a mess.
MithrandirX said:
I repeated put out cigarettes on the palm of my hand for $10 each. When the liquor wore off I was quite a mess.
Didn't that leave some nasty scares?

I have seen people get tazed, seen what happens three months after getting shot with a bean bag round(big purple bruise bigger than my head), and have seen someone get maced. None of them look like something I would ever ever ever want to have done to me and I will try pretty hard to make sure they don't.


Diabloii.Net Member
Do the same thing with a disposable camera and nails. Quite potent.

Unfortunately a tazer generally requires you to be in hand to hand range...in which case it may be unfortunate if you happen to be the adverage woman vs an above adverage mugger....Seeing as if they have a knife and you have a tazer, it's not much of a difference.


Diabloii.Net Member
NightShade said:
Unfortunately a tazer generally requires you to be in hand to hand range...in which case it may be unfortunate if you happen to be the adverage woman vs an above adverage mugger....Seeing as if they have a knife and you have a tazer, it's not much of a difference.
Actually, there is a tazer gun now, with shoots out two prongs that stick in the target and then you can shock the victim from a distance.


Diabloii.Net Member
i think that version's restricted to law-enforcement officers and other trained personnel.


I once showed my dad my airsoft BB gun and he wouldn't believe me that it hurts like crap if you get hit because it was just a flimsy plastic thing and so he shot himself point-blank in the thigh. Never touched my bb gun again.


Diabloii.Net Member
I've played around with an electric dog fence before, but I'd never wanna taser myself. The dog fence is made to just stop a dog, and I ended up with slight numbness. A taser is made to put down a man, so I wouldn't mess around with that. Even if it is "little AAA batteries" all batteries up to the lantern sizes are the same power or whatever...