Tyrannical parents...

[piff]

Tyrannical parents...

What can one do about them? One of my friends is in a house where her mom and stepdad and baby sister live. Her stepdad is in training right now to be sent to fight in Iraq. She gets yelled at daily for things such as being on the phone, trying to reason, and staying in her room to avoid the baby's crying, who has a duel ear infections and the flu. They are living from child support and government checks for the stepdad. Her mom goes to night school a few days of the week.

My friend does six afterschool activities which she enjoys and they don't often run into one another. She is also an about average student in everything except for math, which she does somewhat poorly in. I am ahead of her in all of the classes she takes, so I help her often, which doesn't bother me.

Her mom, instead of asking my friend to get off the phone, or the internet, or to watch her sisterfor a while, yells at her to do it. That only causes my friend to yell back. Which starts a whole arguement which is none too tame. She is afriad to tell her mom about how she feels, and that part of her failures in school stem from troubles at home. She fears that talking to her mom will only get her grounded from using the phone and internet. Without these two mediums of communication, she will only get agitated and yelled at more.

I'm trying to tell her to talk about this to her mom and resist yelling at her while she gets yelled at.

I'm not saying that everytime she gets yelled at, it's unjustified. That isn't true. Sometimes, though she thikns she doesn't deserve it, she does. But there are also times when her mom does get to yelling without a cause.

Can anyone give me any advice that I can give her?

 

[toader]

A husband that is about to leave for Iraq, a baby with dual ear infections and the flu, and a (teenage?) daughter who is struggling in school (even if it is only one class), money shortge problem.....and trying to do night school to better herself?

Anyone else here but me feel bad for the mother here?

I think you need to tell her to step back and and consider what the mother is going thru. Thats ALOT of stress to be going thru at once. I think that maybe the daughter in question here needs to drop a couple of her activities and giving a willing (read: unasked for by the mother) helping hand. When times are tough families need to pull together. Trust me I know it is hard to deal with someone that yells alot, but that is how alot of people are when times are stressed...especially as stressed as you described.

I really think if the daughter gives up a few activites, looks for a 10-15 hour per week job (couple hours after school), and give 1/2 the money to her family, willingly help out with the chores and the baby....then she will notice the moms attitude change alot. It will be tough for her to change her lifestyle into one that helps the family, but it must be done. Tough times means tough time, not tough times for one family member alone.

 

[Geeno]

Your friend needs to get off her *** and help her family.

Her mom is going to school, her dads going to IRAQ, the baby is sick. Holy **** your friend is selfish.

 

[zodiac66]

Piff, from a mom's point of view, your friend is justified in feeling that way. To be quite honest, ear infections are painful, but only until you start treatment. Liam used to have chronic ear infections and he only felt poopie for maybe a day. But then again, I took him to the doctor right away.

No matter how stressed a parent is, there is no justification for yelling. I am not saying that I have never yelled at Liam, because I have. The difference is that afterwards, I feel like crap, we sit down and talk and get things resolved.

Maybe your friend should try to sit down and discuss how they feel.

How much responsibility does your friend have? Is it just an occasional babysitting jaunt, or something that is a routine? How old is your friend?

 

[piff]

I think you need to tell her to step back and and consider what the mother is going thru. Thats ALOT of stress to be going thru at once. I think that maybe the daughter in question here needs to drop a couple of her activities and giving a willing (read: unasked for by the mother) helping hand. When times are tough families need to pull together. Trust me I know it is hard to deal with someone that yells alot, but that is how alot of people are when times are stressed...especially as stressed as you described.

Well, her activities are not all active year round. The school play was in the fall, and is over, and one of her choirs hasn't started yet. I've usggested that she give a few things up after school...and she has...

Yeah, her mom is stressed. I won't deny it. But so is my friend. two people full of stress don't work well together. Her mom acts as if none of this takes a toll on my friend. Like she is oblivious to it all. I do agree about the helping out around the house.

I really think if the daughter gives up a few activites, looks for a 10-15 hour per week job (couple hours after school), and give 1/2 the money to her family, willingly help out with the chores and the baby....then she will notice the moms attitude change alot. It will be tough for her to change her lifestyle into one that helps the family, but it must be done. Tough times means tough time, not tough times for one family member alone.

She can't get a job. The busses don't run near enough to her and her mom can't commit to getting her to and from work everyday. Her dad lives an hour or so away, so having him drive isn't feasible. Not to mention that my mom looked for a 10-15 hour per week job, herself, and she couldn't find one, and she can get around by bus. I will tell ehr that helping out around the house more could help her mom's mood somewhat. She does (often) do what she is asked to. But like anyone of any age, she doesn't do everything she is asked to on the first time.

Not too mention that her teacher signed her up to tutor a student in Spanish 1. My friend has completed 3. So now she's fretting about helping her tutoree (is that a word?) along with bringing her grades up.

Thanks...I'll tell her some of what you said.

EDIT: To answer Zodiac: She is 15. She babysitsmost times that her mom goes to school. I'm not positive on how often that is, but it is at least twice a week. Occasionally, someone will babysit for her. She normally gets paid for babysitting, but she has given up most of what she gets.

I told her to talk to her mom without getting in a fit about it, and she said that she couldn't do it today, as she is too frustrated. She knows she'll yell. She has trouble containing her anger and staying calm when she gets mad.

One last thing. Don't always feel bad about yelling at Liam. There are times when we kids deserve it.

 

[CaptJoe213]

I've been on both sides of this problem, my father works in the oilfield, so anytime that oil prices fall is a really stressful time around my house. My father becomes worried about his job, which in turn upsets my mother, and all that tension rubs off on all of us, and nastiness would ensue. And I've been the parent, facing hard times, and been in tight spots. Now I've never had to face a loved one going off to war, but I can imagine that jacks up the stress considerably. One thing they both want to remember, tension and infighting will do nothing but make things worse for all involved. The mother may be oversensitive, and possibly venting some at the kid. The kid could also not be willing to help as much as might be needed, I dont know. But the two yelling at each other will just make things worse, not better. They need to talk to each other, and work out a plan for dealing with the hardships of life, and coming together as a family.

Two wrongs dont make a right, and your friend going to her mom in an attempt to honestly work it out and make things better for everyone might be inspiring to her mother (I think it would me, if the child was honest and sincere) and that could lead to bonding and healing, and making the family stronger during their tough time.

 

[Anyee]

Your friend doesn't "have to" yell back when her mother is upset. She could learn some self-control. It's a difficult situation, yes, but hardly tyrannical.

 

[piff]

Your friend doesn't "have to" yell back when her mother is upset. She could learn some self-control. It's a difficult situation, yes, but hardly tyrannical.

Yeah, I already suggested that.

I told her to talk to her mom without getting in a fit about it, and she said that she couldn't do it today, as she is too frustrated. She knows she'll yell. She has trouble containing her anger and staying calm when she gets mad.

I used the word tyrannical as more of a way to draw people into the thread.

 

[Smeg Head]

My inlaws are a lot like that. They rarely hold a normal conversation without it ending up in a yelling match. Usually over nothing. It took me a few years to figure it out but I've come to realize they enjoy yelling at each other. It was either that or kill each other.

Your friend needs to be the first to stop yelling. Then talk to her parents about the problem. If they go to church, get the preacher involved. Even if they don't go to church, get a preacher involved. Those guys know all the resources available for help. Many of them low-cost or free.

One other thing is your friend can do is contact the base family services office. Let them know there's a problem. The service has the ability and responsibility to step in and help. My old man was trained as a counciler for just this thing while he was in the Coast Guard. Help is there if you only ask for it. But that's the first step.

And piff, don't think you can't be the one to call the base family services.

 

[Anyee]

I used the word tyrannical as more of a way to draw people into the thread.

Given the number of responses, I'd say it's failed since even those of us who are rabidly pro-child think your friend's being a brat.

 

[MixedVariety]

Right, Smeg, call in the local social services. Come on, this situation sounds more like an overstressed family coupled with teenage hormones than anything else.
I remember Social Services showing up at my door once because when my oldest son was around 10, he happened to be talking to a guidance counsellor and told him, very innocently, that I (Dad) drink a lot, every night.
And I do. They never bothered to ask him any further than that, though. I drink grapefruit juice, chocolate milk, water, occasionally soda...alcohol is anathema to me, I cannot and do not ever drink. I almost got hauled off by well-wishing child protectors on misinformation.
Piff, don't call in the artillery unless you think there's some real abuse or some such going down. In the meantime, yes; perhaps your friend is just being a brat and overly sensitive. Guaranteed life is a lot tougher on her parents than on her; though screaming and yelling never really serves any purpose but to fuel an already existing fire.

 

[piff]

EDIT: my friend = Tara; her mom = Donna

Nah, there's no abuse. Verbal, maybe, but nothing physical.

Donna told Tara that Donna wishes that Tara didn't live there. Donna wants Tara out of Donna's house. I'm talking to Tara on the phone and she's in tears. It all started earlier today (snow day) when we were talking online. She left to do something, and Donna kicked her off before she could say bye. No big deal. Tara over reacted, and yelled at Donna. That was a mistake. I'll give that much. But was it enough to warrent Donna yelling back she doesn't want Tara to live there?

I'm trying to be impartial to this all. I want the best for the entire family.

Social services? Once there's a true problem, I will.

this situation sounds more like an overstressed family coupled with teenage hormones than anything else.

That's much closer to it.

Telling Tara to talk to her mom is like making a brick wall crumble by throwing peebles at it...

 

[Canadia142]

Can you just call her by her name(or make one up)? Its weird and annoying reading my friend this and my friend that.

 

[piff]

Sure...my friend can be Tara, her mom can be Donna. I'll edit any that I can.

 

[Canadia142]

ok, that will be nicer to read.

 

[Geeno]

Social Services? Thats the worst idea I have ever heard.

 

[GIR]

Grow a mullet...

Get an old Black Sabbath album...

Turn it up as loud as possible...

Do what KISS tells you and rock and roll every night, and party every day.

Down with the tyranny!

(And if that's not enough to stop the madness, put a small mammal in your mouth for greater effect.)

 

[Anyee]

Your friend has two choices: change her attitude pronto or move out. Screaming at her mom because she was logged out after being idle is immature. Your friend should get herself into counseling at school and learn to deal with her emotions, or she should leave.

 

[XaviarGangrel]

Living with your parents under such circumstances is ALWAYS going to be tough... teenagers rebel and shout and sulk and are bratty, thats cos thats what teenagers are ment to do... the parents shout back and tell them what to do, because thats the parents job. Until your freind goes out and earns money and contributes to the family welfare in some way, she is just going to have to put up with it, like everyone else has too.

And I'd just like to say.. being shouted at cos your parent is angry and stressed isnt abuse of anykind... its being shouted at... the word "abuse" summons up all kinds of nasty things, like social services getting involved, adn should only be used for the real thing.

Xaviar

 

[Geeno]

I rebel but I dont act like a jerk.