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The things women can make men feel.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Cooked, Nov 15, 2006.

  1. Cooked

    Cooked IncGamers Member

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    The things women can make men feel.

    Only a bicycle, a thin steed of steel he rides. Summer heat rising in shimmering waves from black tar asphalt.

    On he rides mile and mile, at first easy, but soon the relentless day takes his measure. His body aching, his mind in turmoil, he rides in futile escape from the sorrow of love that cannot be. For another does she love, not he

    Finally, legs a fire, his chest in flame, his heart in exquisite blinding pain, tumbling, falling, then stillness.

    Now, set free, he looks to sky and turns but once and sees his life beside the road, his love untold.

    I see her now, talking on the phone, news revealed. Quietly she hangs up and walks into the other room, sitting down, a single tear … I move beside her but she cannot see, I touch her but she cannot feel, the love I am now free to give.

    In life I could not reach her; in death, I shall love her ever more!
     
  2. The Last Melon

    The Last Melon IncGamers Member

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    This is...interesting. A bit short, but very poetic. However, there were a few minor things that bugged me slightly:

    With this kind of opening, I expected some kind of continuation. Summer heat rising in shimmering waves from black tar asphalt...did what? Obscure his vision? Create a mirage? Unless this is a poetic sentence and you meant it to be that way, I would change it to "rises"

    A comma after "rides" feels appropriate. As well, it's generally "mile after mile" or "mile upon mile", or sometimes "mile on mile," but you probably wanted it that way. (I would have said "kilometre after kilometre", but I'm just a dirty Canadian :p)

    This is generally spelt "afire".

    Now, I only just caught on to what happened to this fellow. Reading it again, it makes more sense and is much better, but I would make it a bit more obvious.

    "to the sky"

    This is slightly confusing. He only turns once, which makes me assume that he only looked over his "shoulder" once and then moved on, but you never mention him continuing his journey, instead going into the flashback. I would make this more clear.

    First of all, I would spell this "evermore", although this could be wrong. Secondly, the tone of this sentence doesn't fit in with the rest of the piece. It's too triumphant, and doesn't really fit. A period would work better here, I think.
     
  3. k/t

    k/t Banned

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    I've never heard of "measure" used as "toll". And it would be "its" not "his".

    There is no need for a follow up to that sentence. It's there to establish mood and the environment.

    There shouldn't be a comma after "rides" because it would break the rhythm and reduce the ability of the sentence's structure to support its meaning.

    "Mile and mile" is fine. "After" breaks the rhythm.

    The metric system is undeniably superior in every way, except in its poetic applications. "He two point five centimetred closer to her" kinda ruins the romantic feeling.

    "Afire" is correct.

    Should be "flames", but I'll accept "flame" too.

    Inserting "the" would break the rhythm.

    He falls, looks up, then looks to the side of the road.

    Continue his journey? I believe he died of a heart attack.

    There are arguments for and against both "!" and ".".

    What bike was it? Steel road bikes are getting rare and the crap sold in department stores are anything but thin.
     
  4. The Last Melon

    The Last Melon IncGamers Member

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    Er...could you use the quote button? I can't tell what you're referring to.
     
  5. Cooked

    Cooked IncGamers Member

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    I want to thank both of you for your condidered thought on this. Taking the time to read and make suggestions when there are other things you guys could be doing is rather flattering.

    The phrase sets the mood for what is coming and nothing more. I have wanted to and will add more though sometime, it just hasn't come to me yet. I have been working on this for awhile. There goes any hope for making a living at writing, an agent wants copy faster than I could deliver.
    I will look at the comma. Mile and mile is only because I like to phrase things differently, it causes readers to pause and take notice. They tend not to rush so fast or return to what was written and read it again thus giving themselves a chance for a deeper experience.
    Oops, Thanks!
    I love subtly, again it makes one ponder. Others will be put off and I don't care because it is the deeper thinker I am writing to.
    Yes, it does not flow as well but that is my goal here.
    There is no journey other than to go to his love's side; he is dead, but I need to look at this and see if there can be an improvement here. At the time I wrote this I wanted to make the reader feel and not cloud things with too much verb-age.
    I think you are right.
    There is nothing more important for our poor fellow than to love this girl. He could not be with her in life and while he could not kill himself, having died, he was at last free to love her and love is all there is to live, or die for. the exclamation point is not sufficient to express the amount of feeling I want to convey.

    k/t, I struggeled with flame or flames too but went with the unconventional as you noted.
     
  6. The Last Melon

    The Last Melon IncGamers Member

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    Hmm...I would really suggest lengthening this out more to properly explain what you're thinking/feeling. It's really hard for you to get across what you're thinking when you're not saying very much, at least in text.
     

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