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The Survivors

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Jazzmosis, Mar 26, 2005.

  1. Jazzmosis

    Jazzmosis IncGamers Member

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    The Survivors

    This is work in progress, but I figured I'd drop the first chapter of this short story and see how you people like it. It's been a while since I last posted anything here (with the Lost City and Jalil the Mercenary being my other two stories). Anyways, this one deals with a small group of fighters... let me know.

    By the way: The updates on this will be infrequent, as I have exams coming up to worry about, but I hope to keep this going.
     
  2. Jazzmosis

    Jazzmosis IncGamers Member

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    The Survivors

    “Where are we?â€

    “I don’t know.â€

    “Have you checked the map?â€

    “We don’t have one.â€

    “Where’d it go?â€

    “Caz was carrying it last.â€

    “Caz. . . ****.â€

    “Didn’t anyone pick it up off him?â€

    “I wasn’t going to touch him. Not after what that thing did to him.â€

    “Remind me why we agreed to help out that witch again?â€

    “Shut up. I wasn’t going to stay in that damn Encampment any longer.â€

    “We went on this because you didn’t want to stay there?â€

    “Pity. Ayyria, you used to be here. Why can’t you guide us through?â€

    “I never came down here before. We stayed above ground.â€

    “Why didn’t we travel above ground then? Instead of in this death-hole?â€

    “There is no above ground anymore.â€

    “What?â€

    “We can’t travel through it. It’s just a pile of rubble and swamp. It’s unpassable. This is the only way.â€

    “How many you figure went on this stupid quest from that damn witch already?â€


    It was disgusting in there. While talking to Akara during our exploits, she mentioned how her monastery was overridden with demon hoards. She informed our group of how Andariel had ruined the holy building and corrupted so many rogues and witches. And like an idiot, we agreed to fight the evil for her.

    The four of us, plus Bartlett’s hired rogue Ayyria, had been wandering for weeks throughout the hallways of this accursed monastery. It always smelled of death - the dull, grey stone walls had blood splattered everywhere, both human and demon - and tools of torture were scattered in every room. I wondered what purpose the Jail of the monastery had, but the demons had inhabited these lands for so long it was likely they had built these tools and ripped out young adventurer’s souls with them. On more than one occasion, Yasuo had thrown up. Our group was young, and stupid - but had been fighting together for years.

    There was Yasuo, a tall, thin character. His skin was cut and dirty at all times, but he was arguably the fastest fighter on the planet. Always wore green, and when he bought or found armour suitable for him to use, he would inscribe green gems into them. His eyes were also green, but they used to be blue. We always joked with him, asking if he bore green gems into his eyes, but we all knew it was about his obsession with poisons. He wielded a poleaxe, which had recently been specially modified by the blacksmith in the encampment to make it lighter. And of course, he had spent hours inserting those damned green gems into it. But when it came to actual combat, none of us had ever seen him shy away. It didn’t matter the odds or the weapons pitted against him - he was there to win. He’d taken some hits over the years, but his weapon of choice allowed him to keep distance from axes and small swords. It was the magic that always got him.

    Beckett, my long time friend, accompanied us. I had known him since I was a child, and on more than one occasion, we had fought together to avoid the mean thugs of the neighbourhood we once lived in. When it was overrun, and our families killed, we fled - that was 10 years ago. He was very outgoing, strong and about my height. His attempts to shave always left stubble, but he utilized that to bed some of the finer looking women whenever he could. Since our escape, he kept a sword by his bed. His family used to be magi, but he was fond of the sword - and had become adept with it. But many times, the simple magic spells he knew came in handy.

    Bartlett I had met when I was 20. While staying in Madir, some demons invaded the city. After a brutal fight that left many dead, Beckett and I found him holed up at an inn. Using a blue sword and bow that was enchanted with cooling effects, he was fending off not one, but six demons at once while defending three young citizens. His swordplay was near flawless, as he could slide his sword through an enemies neck while simultaneously blocking an oncoming blow. He was wiry and shorter then myself, and the youngest of us at 18 when I found him. His skin was tanned near brown, and he was quiet, but not reclusive. When we had defeated Blood Raven, he had inherited Ayyria. We had all been given rogue archers, but all except her had been killed over the months we had been fighting. We suspected that Bartlett and Ayyria were an item, but he would always deny it. But I noticed how they looked at each other. . . they had a passionate fire in their eyes. As good as Bartlett was with the sword, his real talent lay with arrows. He could pick off oncoming demons in hallways that were nearly pitch black. We would arrive after he had fired off 15 arrows to find a sea of demon corpses.

    And Caz. The most magically adept of the group, he had used a small crystal stick and a large shield. He looked quite awkward with such a small weapon and a shield that nearly was as tall as he was. He fought with us for two years, and had been useful on every mission we had embarked on. His sense of direction was incredible, and he could quickly draw maps to keep us from losing our way. But two days before, we were camping in this damnable dungeon, and a small regime of demons found us. We managed to dispatch the smaller ones with ease, but when we foolishly followed an escapist little bastard, we had been led into a hellish hideout of magical beasts - we became overrun, and just as he managed to barricade the door, the little escapist hopped out of his hiding spot and drove his sword into Caz’s chest - twice. Bartlett disposed of the little demon with an arrow, but when we tried to drag Caz to give him aid, our barricade broke. The magic hoard burst into our room, and we watched in horror as one picked up our friend as he struggled to breathe, and snapped him in half. We fled immediately, but not before Ayyria put an arrow through the beast’s head.

    We had been wandering aimlessly through the jail since the ordeal. Ayyria, despite being from the monastery, had never ventured through the jails. She was a relatively inexperienced rogue when the monastery was attacked - and only knew the ground levels well.

    As we guessed our way through the jail, following stairs to lower and lower levels hoping to get lucky and find an exit, our morale had worn thin and we had begun to loathe Akara for bringing this up. Ultimately, we had hoped to get to Lut Gholien, but Warriv, the local merchant, had told us of how the pathway was swamped by demons. That had started us on these ridiculous quests. And now, a good weeks walk from the encampment, we had watched our friend die brutally and got lost.

    --Stay tuned-----
     
  3. 0xDEADCAFE

    0xDEADCAFE IncGamers Member

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    Good stuff.

    The conversation at the beginning does a good job of introducing the situation and the attitudes of the people involved. The lack of attribution was a touch confusing at first, but it ended up working well as a group portrait.

    The next section felt a bit too much like a list to me. It reminded me of the start of an RPG where you pick your set of heros, and each one comes with a descriptive paragraph. The writing itself was clear and easy to read, and the characters are interesting, so it's probably fine like it is, but you might consider trying to weave the descriptions of each individual into your tale a bit, instead of laying them out like cards on a table.

    I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, because I liked this, and am hoping you will post more. One correction:

    "Inscribe" is the wrong word here. Maybe "inlay", "encrust", or "mount" would work.


    Good luck with exams.
     
  4. Jazzmosis

    Jazzmosis IncGamers Member

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    Thanks. I'm writing from a first person perspective, something I don't do often, but it's just the main character's quick intro of his team. I didn't particularly like laying them out like that either.. but I wanted to establish them quickly so I could get to the story. Their physicals aren't very...described, so I can get into that more during the story.

    And thanks for the correction. Didn't think I was using the right word either.

    Don't worry, there will be more.
     
  5. RevenantsKnight

    RevenantsKnight IncGamers Member

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    Interesting start, so far...I do agree that the descriptive parts after the dialogue are a little dry, but it’s clear and reads easily enough. My suggestion for this part in general would be to give only some of these details now, and mix in more of them in other scenes shortly after this one; I’ll make some specific notes later. Anyway...

    That should be “impassable.â€

    I think that should be “about our exploits†and “demon hordes.†By the way, what were these exploits? If you want, you could describe one or two events, and see if you can’t work some more description and character development into it.

    Er...witches? Not sure who you’re talking about here...

    Since “we†is plural, “an idiot†should probably be “idiots.â€

    Random curiosity: were they carrying rations for several weeks? They’d need a lot of food...

    That should be “adventurers’.â€

    I’d avoid using the term “on the planet,†since it implies a level of scientific understanding that is decidedly not medieval. Instead, my suggestion would be something like “...fastest fighter in the Western lands.â€

    I think that should read something like “...asking if he’d embedded green gems...â€

    That should be “our families were killed.â€

    I’d see if you can’t show a few instances where Beckett acts “outgoingâ€; for discovering someone’s personality, there’s nothing quite like actually seeing him or her interact, fight or whatever.

    I’m assuming “Madir†is a city of your own creation; with that in mind, you might want to drop an extra hint on where it is, what it’s like, etc. just so the reader can see it as more than a name.

    That should be “enemy’s.â€

    Erm...one doesn’t “inherit†a person unless said person’s a slave, which is almost certainly not the case with a Rogue. If it is, then this needs to be explained in much more detail, and in any case, it’s not really clear what happened here; did he acquire her services as a reward for beating Blood Raven, or did she decide to follow him after a previous master died against Blood Raven? I’m guessing the former, but “inherit†suggests the latter.

    “Regime†means “system†or “government,†usually. Did you mean something like “pack�

    “...we had been led...†should be “...we were led...,†“became overrun†should be “were overrun,†and I’m not sure what happened after that...you might want to let this play out over a small paragraph, not half a sentence.

    That should be “horde,†and “one†in this case refers to it, so it reads as if a horde snapped Caz in half.

    I’d add “at the time†before “whenâ€; I don’t know if it’s strictly necessary, but I think it improves the sentence clarity a little.

    That should be “Lut Gholein.â€

    That should be “week’s.â€

    Overall, this looks like it should be good; keep it up, and thanks for posting!
     
  6. Jazzmosis

    Jazzmosis IncGamers Member

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    Thanks for the fixes, I'll get on them when I have the time. The only one I'd noticed were the apostraphe miscues (as it is my Kryptonite). As for some of the things you mentioned, they will be revealed later in the story - such as Beckett's attitude, more about Madir... The main character (who I haven't given a name yet) reflects an awful lot during the story, which will really flesh out the entire thing... as for Ayyria, I have a nifty little tale for her.. although "inherited" was the wrong word, but her story I've been building for some time.

    Stay tuned.
     
  7. RebirthOfMak

    RebirthOfMak IncGamers Member

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    Nice Job!

    Mak~
     

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