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Discussion in 'Single Player Forum' started by Maltatai, Jun 27, 2013.
Does me heart good to see enVenomed javelins.
This is so beyond good. You should make a living out of this.
I think any editor would cringe at seeing my record of updating rate . I could never do my storytelling as a job, it would sap the fun out of it. That said, as I think you are well aware of I have parodied a great deal of things from my profession here. The opposite is true as well, since I have had good use for my skills in publishing and formatting information that stem from writing for fun.
Also, the end draws near...
I was wondering but now I have to ask: Lawyer as well?
Pure quality. such a pleasure to read, thank you @Maltatai !
I know you intend that as a compliment, but, as one who did make a living from writing for many years, I can attest that it's a curse.
So it was for me.
@Maltatai, I'm just very grateful that you choose to share your abilities with us here.
Yes, I am indeed a lawyer. In Sweden that means that you have the degree, Master of Law in English (sounds much more impressive in that language). I work for a municipality with mostly educational law investigating school complaints.
Rapunzel is therefore the character that mirrors the author the most, representing scrutiny and a somewhat sceptical approach to the colorful ideological sisters-in-arms.
Now I'm curious, what kind of things did you write professionally?
I was a news reporter for radio stations. That meant trying to distill descriptions of current events down to ~40 seconds, or ~120 words, while still retaining some meaning.
Haha as another lawyer can relate to that! At least I was, I quit and am taking some time off, likely switching to a ministry position. I was on the dark side though, corporate/M&A and pointless things like that...
So many lawyers around here. Not sure if I feel at easy anymore now
...and lawyers, you're in that lot too!
Episode 40 ½. The Chroniclers Tardiness
Maltatai: This is insanely silly of you all.
Snövit: We're just doing as our female role model does.
Askungen: Since she has spent so much time with you lately it is obvious that she must know the most about what is proper behavior near chroniclers.
Rödluvan: And it looked quite funny in any case.
Maltatai: While I am pleased that my daughter has mastered the important skill of ridiculing her parents by sticking out her tongue at them and clearly thinking it is very funny, I frankly fail to see why you lot should take to mimicking her.
Törnrosa: Floria has insisted that I engage in more of the popular culture trends among the peoples of Sanctuary. It is apparent that this taunting of chroniclers is the latest meme.
Rödluvan: Indeed it is. You have learned well, Rosie!
Törnrosa: That is not an appropriate nickname! Besides, it is only proper to pay our respects to the coming generation of heroines. Obviously, with that solid grip she exhibits, she will become a mighty javazon one day.
Snövit: Nonsense, clearly it will be a bow that those fingers hold. Her attentive eyes naturally indicate a talent for inner sight. Mini-Maltatai can tank for her.
Maltatai: Probably. He is quite the barbarian.
Rapunzel: Fellow amazons! It is my judgement that we have strayed too far from the issue of today. Please stay on topic.
Askungen: Of course, wise arbitress.
Snövit, Rödluvan, Askungen, Törnrosa, Rapunzel:
Over and out.
Episode 41. Endgame
Maltatai: The end is near.
On a rocky peak rusted statues glance around, checking their petrified armament. Immunity, resistance, mobility, the ancients muster against their enemy.
Inside the mountain, Baal is calling up his last reserves. The most resilient of
captains have been spread out, capable of tanking any cookie cutter blizzard sorceress, nova necromancer or fanatic zealot.
Rapunzel: Bring it on.
Maltatai: In The Infernal Pit dwells a vampire of dreadful vengefulness. Safer to have alive and undying than dying, in fact. Resistant and regenerating, it is still no match for envenomed javelins, but the caster will need to keep her distance while the poison works to avoid a too close encounter with its final act of revenge.
Taking valuable lessons from the failures in Act II Rapunzel wastes no time and momentum in clearing the rest of the Ancients Way after finding the path up to the summit. All her energy will be brought to bear against the repulsive and condescending wise guys.
Floria: Stop! Hold up there!
Törnrosa: What is the meaning of this, Floria? What have you summoned us to see?
Rödluvan: Hey! What a viewscreen... HOLY COW KINGS! WHAT'S SHE DOING!?
Floria: Just, please take your seats everybody!
Snövit: Those are Hell ancients and she is all alone up there!
Askungen: She does have a valkyrie, though. And a practical shield, for that matter. Less cumbersome than our tower shields.
Törnrosa: Floria, explain yourself. What is this about and by the light what is our holy arbiter doing on the Arreat Summit?
Floria: Ehm...field testing? And this is as Rödluvan has observed a viewscreen, very wide to accommodate the whole audience. The latest application of the inner sight of the Sisterhood of the Sightless Eye. And lots of pillows that I have gathered from my secret stash in the Arcane Sanctuary.
Rödluvan: Wait, are we going to sit here watching other peoples athletic exercises on a wide screen and shouting useless unheard advice to our team like a bunch of dimwit hooligans?
Rödluvan: Well, fine. Are we then supposed to have these kinds of stupid scarves with the team colour pattern that we don't need to wear in the warmth but carry anyway?
Snövit: WHY is she up there?
Askungen: Schhh! It's starting, I think.
Rödluvan: Raise the volume, Telash. More power to the speakers!
...before you enter, unworthy mortal, you must defeat us! Know that we have meditated on thy unworthy antics and have prepared such a defense as you could never imagine. Each of us is specialized to counter your primitive tactics and soon your insolence shall be duly punished. For our armament is blessed by holy Tyrael to resist all such lowly and worldly blasphemers as yourself who dare question the dictates of thy betters!
Rapunzel: Resistance is futile.
Snövit: Quivering quivers, she is fast! They are falling behind in no time!
Törnrosa: Jab that heretic! Sacrilegious heathens who refuse to accept the lightning light!
Rödluvan: Slugs! Haha! Slowed, or just scared stiff by that hideous mask.
Snövit: Look, guided arrows, sweet! No stone skin defense rating is a match for them!
Askungen: That is poison damage. But short. Really short.
Floria: It's alright. It's supposed to be that way.
Askungen: Wait...that means she managed to construct a treacherous armor as well! What has Rapunzel been up to?
Floria: Booby trap.
Floria: It is set in a breastplate, so that makes the treacherous armor a booby trap. Apparently.
Rödluvan and Snövit: Hahahahahaha!
Maltatai: Far from the squabbling delegates of the audience, the arbiter herself has breached the gates of the Worldstone Keep. Once more into the breach, dear demons, once more! Conjure all the immunity you can master and it shall be of no avail. Gather what dread enchantments there could be and see them wasted on a foe that can outrun and outrange you all.
A blood lord with a dual element explosion amplified by a curse. Could prove quite a trap for the unfortunate melee range enemy or spellcaster that were forced to forgo her dual tree spells. Or it may wither away in a forgotten corner, inevitably corroding into spinach sludge.
With the waypoint of the Worldstone Keep secured, the arbiter returns to clear out the Ancients Way without hurry. Puny spike fiends and other insignificant opponents fall with ease but the Icy Cellar is well defended by the Vile Thorn, or to use the full title - The Vile Thorn In The Foot Of Every Elemental Mage And Ranged Opponent. Catching and chilling the enemy is his specialty and toughness against the elements together with multiple damage attacks completes it all. Alas, he has discounted poison and physical damage and despite a prepared stairtrap Vile Thorns career lasts but a while.
The abominable snow apes have complemented their melee capabilities with ranged support from witches and gloams. Excellent tactical thinking! Rapunzel is shouting out encouragements as she sets the lot on fire with exploding arrows and covers the cellar in venomous javelin trails. Not only that, but the tactical advisor to Snapchip Shatter has gone out of its way to resist Amazon attackers. Both physical and magical attacks has it warded itself against, and is immune to the elements of javazons, forcing the foe to pick up a bow and expose herself, or come forth to fight it in melee. Unfortunately, the defenses are not enough to stand against the fires of Kuko Shakaku when immolation arrows prevent its healing and the hungry Gray Crawler must hunger for revenge. Its colleague tries a different approach and intends to drain and weaken the foe as much as possible, but flames consume them all. The arbiters eyes glow with red insanity and it is surely obvious that she is fantasizing about raising an entire army of fire-throwing catapults or similar contraptions.
Charming, stylish and quick, Blood Raven would make a better ally than enemy but with such a primitive narrative there is no way to bribe her over, not even with Andariel dead and gone. Or does she simply despise Kashya so much that all arguments fall on deaf ears? Possibly deaf already from the earful of lectures delivered by the rogue captain, as Snövit can attest to. Certainly, now that the quest is completed it is imperative to avoid Kashya to also avoid having a hireling tossed on you, but then again this comes rather naturally once you've got to know her anyway.
I have always liked Bonebreaker, quite irrationally. He is a stylish figure and has never been so troublesome as for example Icehawk Riftwing whom I despise totally. Bonebreaker was quite dangerous to face in close combat. What a pity for those primitive savages that are still stuck in the stone age and have not yet discovered the arts of archery or javelin throwing. Bonebreaker has laid a nasty trap though, a teleporting bomb in undeads clothes, but Rapunzel manages to avoid it. It was far less resilient than the dreadful blood lord next to Mephisto, however, and the terrain of the crypt and mausoleum is far better. Rapunzel found a sweet little sapphire small charm of balance there.
And now immediately back to the studio...sofas! Rapunzel has summoned all the others to gather and hear her judgment. The Whatever-the-Clock News will of course cover the breaking story. Onward!
Rapunzel: The court, with its one member, has convened and finished its evaluation of the respective elements and their representing skills. The court does first and foremost conclude that the champions of the respective elements are...silly.
Snövit, Rödluvan, Askungen and Törnrosa: !!!!
Rapunzel: This contest began following a boring attempt by Törnrosa to create chaos and dissent among the other three so that she could swoop down on her jewelry-based angelic wings and take command of each and every thing. This obnoxious and outrageous idea was however evidently not seriously meant, judging by the amateurishness of the chosen method.
Törnrosa: "Shocked look"
Rapunzel: Tossing a gilded fruit with an inscription to a group of bickering amazons can hardly be considered worse than a simple prank. Not without some elegance in its simplicity, but simple and fairly harmless in itself.
Floria: "Turns red from frantically trying to keep herself from bursting out laughing"
Rapunzel: The arbiter notes that this somewhat petty jest none the less awakened such immature rivalry among the three recipients that external arbitration was eventually called upon. As opposed to, for example, simply concluding that each element had its uses and charms (grand, large and small) and let it be each to their own taste.
Snövit, Rödluvan and Askungen: Hrm...
Rapunzel: Consequently, I have made a thorough and exhaustive research and evaluation of the respective representative skills and their represented element. Thus sayeth arbitrarily the court:
From the grassroots dedication and will to improve their lot, all our ideas grow. From the loyal commitment to due procedure and basics of conduct do our petty squabbles cease to evolve into riots between loose confederations of warring tribes...at least most of the time. By caring for the world we live in and of, we display a minimum of sensibility. Those that hunt for sport shall learn to fear our arrows. Those that poison our lands shall rot and wither from our vengeful, relentless and envenomed javelins! Conjure the greatest fire enchantment trap the world has ever seen and see it fall apart screens from its intended victim. Summon the strongest brute or the greatest mage and they shall all see but a glimpse of us before they choke on our spears as we fall back again beyond their sight and grasp! No other element can rival the damage per hit or stop the foe from healing over such time as the treacherous envenomed grassroot spinach poison javelins!
See your insufficient resistances count for nothing and your feeble fire trap explode well out of range, you stairtrapping abominable assailant!
Stand still when the amazons so command!
What else than the freezing cold of our beloved mountains will let a lone amazon halt an army with a cracked short bow? When our bows are drawn we are in control, and the battlefield belongs to us for the enemy advances only if we allow it. When undead minions have melted into the ground and demons frozen on the spot, we liberally do whatever we like. Long live the prerogative to stay up as long as we like and hallowed be the exchange of ideas and thoughts without constraining dogmas and prejudice! Forever banished shall be the oppressive ancients and the censoring social media mob. By securing the gilded means to put our will into practice we make all else possible and ensure the prosperity of our kind. And when the strongest foe stops in its tracks, fending off demonic incursions turns into a profitable venture. Minions of destruction are a statue park and de Seis doom knights are pieces of furniture! If hell has not frozen over yet it is but a matter of time for winter is coming! Look busy.
They have said it is the weakest. They have said there are too many foes immune to its touch. They have then shivered before the lightning of the gloam and the spells of the oblivion knight and their valkyries have withered from the poisoned touch of the mummy after standing fast against anything else. Bring forth any endless droves of pitiful fallen ones or clumsy balrogs to support that flawed argument, for the burning remains of the foes that truly matter speaks otherwise. Name another element that combines the quick strikes of the exploding arrows while at the same time dealing constant damage by immolation, ever being so readily available from items. From the smallest charms to the greatest enchantment, every single spark is carried by the solidarity of the exploding arrow. Together we raise our potions and toast our unity! All for flames and flames for all! All (friends) stand as one and all (enemies) shall burn!
Especially you, foul champion burning souls!
As amazing as cold, fire and poisons are, they remain elemental attacks. But when lightning strikes from heaven, or a celestial (self-)righteous champion, it is a force of nature to be beholden with awe (own) and dread (others). Overcharge the enemy experimentals and prime evils alike and nothing shall escape our wrath! The bigger they are, the harder we stab. We are not an incompetent mob, we are illuminated and we act with skill and intelligence. What good could we do without our wits? Honour to every servant of the public that strives to excel and improve, and caps, helmets, crown and circlets off to the smart and sensible development of administration of policy, of course not to be confused with the policy of administration. Act bosses lie in broken piles of ashes and dust before my crackling spear tip. Vengeful like a towering gold-plated titan of the tower cities are indeed the lightning bolt hurled by the Titans Revenge in my hand! A wiser heretic would have started running by now...
Like Achmel the Cursed and Bugged, who kept regenerating despite being struck by me when wearing Blackhorns face. Poison he could resist and the fiery arrows were not enough. When all else had failed, I raised my shield and charged with charged strikes charging.
Doom knights joined the assailants and burning souls, but fell easily to cold archery and lightning bolts. Following the unraveled unraveler came a thoroughly prepared Bartuc, magic resistant, spectral hitting and cold enchanted. Hiding behind a corner, I let my envenomed javelins work while his hydras roared in insignificance. Venom lords rushed against my valkyrie and stood frozen on the spot the moment after. They shattered and melted as lightning bolts struck the stragglers.
Forth charged lastly Lister the Tormentor, as prepared as anyone could be. Spectral hitting and magic resistant, his fanaticism in resisting the elements was obvious. Immune to cold and fire, and nearly impervious to poisons and lightning, he rushed ahead of his guard and smote the valkyries before him. Greatest of minions, he had still not countered the most fundamental of Amazon tactics - running away and shooting shining white arrows at a slower pursuer. Mired by my gloves and mask and distracted by decoys and peaceful valkyries appearing now and then, the hunt was not successful despite the elemental shielding.
Let at last not the little things go unmentioned. Magic Arrow, our salvation in a world of empty quivers. Guided Arrow, catcher of ancients and sniper signature skill. The noble art of jabbing and stabbing, our refined and subtle table manners when we hunger for stolen life and mana. Across lines of fire do we dance and beneath the gentle shade of enemy volleys do we make battle, slowed to a crawl as all such missiles are when we so will it.
Forced to pick only one element, I care not at what level you set taxes, nor if a complete idiot administers the chosen policy, but I WILL have that policy determined properly, and elected rulers WILL respect their constituents will, whether it the greatest wisdom or the palace security measures of Lut Gholein. First among my attacks stands the envenomed javelin and completing the boo...treacherous breast plate is my most game-changing achievement.
Of all the elements, I judge poison to be the greatest and thus declare Askungen victor of the silly contest. I call upon the audience to make note of the irony in that the competition provoked by Törnrosa has resulted in the victory of her ideological polar opposite.
Snövit: Eh, well, poison damage has its uses...
Rödluvan: And treacherous armor is neat, as I know from experience. I wonder if you could put the runes in a dress or something too, and if you tickle the wearer and every tickle counts as an attack the dress becomes transparent? What a great prank! That would be the present of the year!
Askungen: That is so inappropriate.
Snövit: I think not. Just imagine the money you could make on something like that...
Askungen: AHA! The state and the capital remains in the same boat still I see. Utterly appaling.
Törnrosa: Fair arbiter! Will you now render thy judgement on another most important matter?
Rapunzel: What might that be?
Törnrosa: Which is the most dangerous, and thereby justifiably most dreadful - the pathetic spiders or the terrible and lethal snakes?
Floria: Not this again...this is so embarrassing.
Askungen: Spiders, obviously! They are spinning their World Wide Web around us all even as we speak! The net will trap everyone in it! They even nest in Maltatais garden and he, the fool, is oblivious of the danger!
Rapunzel: Neither. The question is based on the faulty presumption that either could in and of itself be the greatest of terrors, but while I wholeheartedly detest vipers I must conclude that they are by themselves not worthy of the boundless terror they inspire. The great danger with vipers derive from our carelessness when facing them. It was my own premature advance into the second level of their temple that stirred the viper lord Black Snarl before I had the space to retreat from him. If I had only kept to the procedure and cleared the mound with sniping and teleported to it I would have won effortlessly.
Evil urns are the only things that make such caution impossible. While it is slightly less risky to be positioned far away from the urn, it is impossible to trigger them - with telekinesis charges - from a safe distance. And evil urns do as you know hold minute spiders in them as well. Therefore, when urns spawn vipers it is in fact a combination of both spiders and snakes that results in the unprecedented danger they pose. One is safer leaving such unholy unions aside.
Floria: Very sensible! Now stop arguing about that.
Törnrosa: Thy conclusion has some wisdom in it. I shall abide by the edict.
Askungen: Alright, but the urns are probably some sort of web network hubs for the spiders as well... The World Wide Web merits further and deeper investigation. Just as Maltatais untidy garden (very sloppy landscaping and such, you know)...
Maltatai: My garden is overflowing with greenery and grassroots, I'll have you know, so don't even think about calling that into question. So lush is it that I have had two strawberries growing and ripening in the middle of September! Which is completely insane this far north.
Maltatai: We have doorbells here now?
Floria: I'll get it!
Telash: I'm coming too.
Waheed: On it.
Ip: Ah, what the heck...
Maltatai: Let's go at a civilized pace and have a look at who it might be...well, well! If it doesn't look like DCI (Detective Chief Infernal) Tomb Barnaby, DS (Detective Skeleton) Jen Bones and Rogue Gaile Stevens themselves! How have they wandered their way here from the intermissions further back in the story?
As you may recall the trio are investigating the foul repeated murders of the innocent demonic queen Andariel, the many times deceased owner of the picturesque monastery resort of the Tamoe mountains. They have travelled far and wide after being somewhat sidetracked in Lut Gholein when Rapunzel was busy clearing out sewers and...
Telash: ...but someone you really want to investigate closer is that shady so called "author", Maltatai. I mean, looking at the quality level of his work it is obvious that it is a mere front and shallow cover up for something illegitimate...
Maltatai: What the fallen one...?
Telash: ...and Maltatai has been most suspiciously active in the neighborhood all the times a prominent member of the demonic society has met their doom under suspicious circumstances. He has an unhealthy fascination with the arts of murdering demonic and undead victims, indiscriminately wallowing in the horror of such atrocities. And no less unwholesome is his near encyclopedic knowledge of the means to bring about the end of the poor inhabitants of Sanctuary, indeed it just reeks of a consultant master criminal! Professor Maltatairiarty I dare say would be a more fitting term for a being ingrained with such a myriad of foul and underhanded dirty tricks. I recommend that you arrest him at once, sir!
Maltatai: How dare he? That...
"Discreetly distances himself from the doorway"
Hmpf! Insolent iron wolf! Iron wolf? Rust mongrel, at most. Now, what is happening here...ah, Rapunzel is retelling the final confrontation with Baal.
Rapunzel: I charged at the creepy snail-crab with shield raised high and black horns smoldering. I kept the boss fighting outfit of peaceful armor to raise my dodging skills, slowing gloves and slowing mask. Envenomed javelin flew and bolts exploded from my spear tip.
Törnrosa: Obviously the holy light of lightning is the key to victory against the true challenges, such as the prime evils themselves.
Askungen: As long as it is firmly rooted in the will of the people, and helped on the way by grassroot poisons!
Rapunzel: Overwhelmed by the combined elements the lord of destruction stood no chance, succeeded in nothing and succumbed to the collected disdain of the Amazons absent even a moments grasp of the initiative in the battle. My Matriarchal Javelin burned through the estate-brokerly black heart of Baal and he collapsed in a broken heap underneath my ruby red heel.
It was all over. Almost. I had one thing left to do. I was just moments from reaching the utmost enlightenment, the epitome of experience and skill. Level 86. And there, wandering all the way from Aranoch until his starved and withered flesh had fallen off his bones, was none else than Black Snarl himself to deny me that! But his time, his powers had waned and this time I was not trapped and restricted.
Rapunzel: I now thank you all for your time and since my mission is accomplished I will be on my...
Snövit: Now hold up there! Just where do you think you're going?
Rapunzel: I... I don't know. Wherever I am called to serve.
Askungen: Is this Maltatais doing? That is just heartless, after all you have gone through, and...
Maltatai: Stop jumping to conclusions like an ominous spider out of an urn! Rapunzel is free to do whatever she wishes as far as I am concerned.
Askungen: Well, good then.
Rödluvan: Rapunzel, you are cool and awesome and your boots are as lovely as your red-jeweled ghost armor, haunting ones dreams like a ghost indeed. Please...stay?
Snövit: Meshif would be positively thrilled to have a quartermaster to settle issues and keep the order onboard.
Rapunzel: If you're sure... I would like to. Reporting for orders, first mate!
Snövit: Belay that for later. Now it's victory celebration times! Just for tonight undo thy braid and let down thy golden hair, arbitress and quartermistress.
Rapunzel: But the braid is rather practical...
Snövit: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden hair!
Askungen, Rapunzel, Rapunzel, impartial, just and fair! Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden hair!
Rödluvan: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, I say you've quite a pair! Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden hair!
Rödluvan: But it rhymes flawlessly. It really does. Besides, I get to say all such things now after Rapunzel has rendered her judgment so it's not corrupting the judge anymore.
Askungen: Not the point.
Rödluvan: Then what is the point?
Rapunzel: This...is the point.
I. am. free. Rödluvan, feel free to undo my braid and be so kind and pour a suitable drink of potions for me.
Rödluvan: Only the braid?
Snövit: "Icy Glare"
Rödluvan: Heartwarmingly hot potions for the people now being solidarically served! Potion abstinence should not be unwholesomely overdone, moderation is a virtue as we all know... except in some cases...
Snövit: Rapunzel, that stuff...
Rapunzel: I have vanquished Hell. Merc'lessly. I will not be deterred by any lewd liquid lavishness.
Bring it on.
Demons are dead
Isn't it neat?
Wouldn't you think my adventure's complete?
Wouldn't you think I'm the girl
The girl who smashed everything?
Look at this stash
How much equipment can any chest hold?
Looking around here you'd think
She's got everything
I have rare things and blue things and set things
I have rune words and some things unique
I got plenty
But who cares?
No big deal
I want more
I want to cheer up the forumites
I want to see and hear them laughing
Scrolling around those - what do you call them? - oh, posts
Murdering monsters don't get too far
Jokes are required to please our audience
Romance and intrigue and - what's that word again? - waves!
Out where we sail
Stand by our rail
Carried by wind and warmed in the sun
Unbound and free
Wish you would be
Part of our world
What would I give
To make you live
Out on these waters?
What would I pay
To every day
Have you on board?
Far from the land
And respect our quartermistress
Wet from swimming
Watching we stand
Help me find out what the people know
Ask them my questions
And get some answers
Where be spiders and what do they - is that web!? - plot?
When scared a lot
Trust in my light
Guiding lost ships to shore from a height
Out on the sea
I wish to be
Part of your world
Maltatai: Divert your course fifty degrees north to avoid collision. Over and out.
Congrats !!! Well done, awesome write-up. Thoroughly enjoyed those.