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The Knower

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by buttaz, Mar 24, 2005.

  1. buttaz

    buttaz IncGamers Member

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    The Knower

    I'm buttaz, and this fan-fic is one ive been working on for a while, but i have recently been stricken with terrible writers block, i have quite a few chapters, but am presently telling this story on memory alone, if its well-liked, i will find the story and post more. But, For now, this is My Story

    Diablo II- The Knower

    prologue

    The old man absent mindedly slashed his large steel scythe over the wheat of his fields. The wheat fell softly into the dual-wheeled cart the man pushed. He looked skyward, hoping that, for the first time in a long while, he would be able to finish his demanding work before sunfall. The man's hope dwindled as he witnessed the ominous dark clouds put their strangle hold on the sun, which resembled the last orange ember of a waning fire.

    Drenched in sweat, the man stopped for a break at a boulder in the crossroads of his field, feeling the familiar grinding of his wary old bones. The farmer realized now that his goal to finish before nightfall was nearly unattainable, and cursed his slowly declining health. Slow though it may be, time was ruthless in its passing.

    The lighting was now insubstantial enough to the point where the man pulled out his modest whale-oil lantern, and lit in with the coal he struck on his leather-soled boots. Casting a weary eye over his remaining work, something startled him to the point where he dropped his light to the ground. Cursing under his breath, the man quickly picked up the latern before the black pool that stretched towards his wheat ingnited. He then stomped out the small fire in the middle of the path.

    He cursed himself for a fool, he was obviously seeing things, probably from over-working himself again. He'd catch hell from his wife for it upon his return, but that wasn't the point, while his mind told him this, his senses believed another thing entirely, the farmer could have sworn that he had seen an ominous shape, huched in his crop.
    'That's impossible,' he rationalized with himself 'No man would be hiding in my fields at this hour' He couldn't help thinking though 'What if its not a man... or even a person entirely?'

    The thought sent a shiver down the man's spine, and he berrated himself. Jonas Thatchit was a man who had to see to believe, and in his 64 years of life, he had seen niether demon nor spectre, and therefore, did not believe in either. Demons were best suited for stories around campfires,or to scare a disobedient child straight, they weren't made to beguile old men.

    Jonas now continued his tedious work, and bitterly thought of the daylight he had wasted pondering. The old man never noticed the shadow that split away from the large array of them casted by the wheat of the fields, he didn't notice it encroaching towards his back, and when a cold darkness surrounded him, and he turned to face his assailent with his scythe at the ready, it was all he could do to collapse in terror right there. What the old man witnessed was so terrible a being, that it could only be concieved by the darkness of the Lords of Hell themselves. As the terrible hooked talon slashed in an arch at the helpless old man, promising to cleave skin and bone with equal ease, all Jonas could do was scream.


    ------- Thats it for the prologue, if i get some responses, i will post more. Any constructive criticism would be appreciated, thanks in advance.

    Buttaz
     
  2. RevenantsKnight

    RevenantsKnight IncGamers Member

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    Hrm...well, this looks like a workable beginning, to be sure. There’re some various spelling and grammar errors that should be addressed, especially given the short length of the piece, but it reads fairly well on the whole. Some specific comments:

    Minor point: “absent-mindedly†is usually hyphenated.

    Erm...it’s rather difficult to reap wheat directly into a cart.

    Nicely done with adding in little extra details. Elements like these help add defining features to the characters.

    I think you mean “match,†not “coal.†Either way, it’s a technology that’s a bit too advanced for the Diablo world, unless it involves magic...and in which case it should be well out of this farmer’s realistic budget. Flint seems more like a realistic method of starting a fire to me. Also, “lit in†should be “lit it,†methinks.

    On a more general note, phrases like “The lighting was now insubstantial enough...†work for description, but they are not very effective at creating an image for the reader, because they are somewhat general and factual. In this case, an alternative might be something like “The day’s light had faded in brilliance to a dull, worn bronze, causing the man...†which still manages to convey your point, but also conjures a specific image, which will help the reader along in the story.

    That should be spelled “lantern†and “ignited.†Also, I don’t think whale oil would be black, as most biological hydrocarbons aren’t.

    You might want to vary the sentence structure in this part, as it’s a lot of “He did X,†which gets monotonous after a while. Some other notes: the commas after “fool,†“point†and “entirely†should be a period or a semicolon, because they each connect two clauses that could be complete sentences on their own. In such a case, commas cannot be used, and if they are, it’s an error known as a comma splice. Also, I think you mean “hunched†there at the end.

    There should be a period after “himself,†and another after “hour,†inside the quotation marks. Also, there should be a comma before and after “though,†and “What if its...†should read “What if it’s...†since you mean the contraction of “it is,†not a possessive.

    That should be “berated.â€

    That should be “neither.†Well worded, though.

    You’re missing a space before “or.†Also, there’s a comma splice after “straight,†and “beguile†doesn’t sound right to me; it’s usually meant as “to trick†or “to mislead.†Maybe something like “they were not fit for an old man’s thoughts†would get your point across.

    There’s a comma splice after “fields.†A general suggestion for dealing with such errors: try replacing a comma with a period, and see if it sounds correct. If it does, there’s a good chance that putting a comma there would be a comma splice. Also, “casted†and “assailent†should be “cast†and “assailant,†respectively.

    Some style thoughts: “...encroaching towards...†sounds like a misuse of the word to me; I’d suggest perhaps “creeping towards,†as “encroaching†usually means “to trespass†or “advance beyond the proper limits.†Also, did you mean “...it was all he could do to not collapse in terror...� What you have suggests that he just falls over, while the image I had in my mind was that he was barely keeping himself upright as the creature struck him down. Either way, you might want to clear up this uncertainty.

    That should be “...have been conceived,†and the comma after “being†is unnecessary.

    Righty then...hopefully that was all helpful to you. If you’ve got more, I’d welcome it. Thanks for posting, and welcome to the forum!
     
  3. buttaz

    buttaz IncGamers Member

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    Thanks

    Yeah well thanks for the help so far, i've still quite a bit to go, but cannot do it without some sort of copy. I just remembered that part because i had the prologue started long before the actual story idea came to me.

    As a side note, the title doesn't come in to play for some time, but it does mean something. The original title of the story was "the Knights Of Glory" but i went in a different direction with the storyline and changed the title along with it.

    The rest of the story follows a man by the name of Jake Hawkins, who lived in the woods off from a town that shares borderlines with the courntry of Westmarch, it takes place in both past and "present" the past, him as a 17 year old, and the present 10 years later. He is on a task with a group of mercenaries to eventually find (and hopefully kill) the demon that was cause of his families death (which is also covered) So as i said, i will be adding more in the future but thank you for the constructive criticsm. If there's any problems you have with the storyline or something, those will also be taken into consideration.

    p.s. I will also put up the prologue again after having it revised.
     
  4. 0xDEADCAFE

    0xDEADCAFE IncGamers Member

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    This had a really nice atmosphere to it: an old, sympathetic fellow, trying to hold onto the strength he had in younger days, and the menace from his own fields. I liked the way you described what happens at the end: a kind of sideways view rather than a straightforward blow-by-blow description.

    You really worked up ole' Jonas's character before you slashed him cruelly from your tale. If that's how much effort you put into your temporary chracters, I can't wait to see how you treat your longer-lived ones.

    Good job!
     

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