Missing word(s)?It would make the most sense to try to skirt the stones entirely don't know that any direction we head at this point would be safe.â€
A rolled 'r'?It began as a pinpoint of light, brighter than the sun, a thing of prrimal beauty that hung in the air in front of the wizard.
That's funny considering I puzzled over that particular adjective for probably a minute. This is one of those descriptions I feel likely to revisit in a rewrite, so "prrimal" may just get cut completely.A rolled 'r'?
Yeah, I thought of working him in somehow too, but it seemed to detract from the ending. I decided that since he's pinned under his horse and out of the action, but otherwise okay, I better focus on the guy who almost got barbecued. I'll consider it again for the rewrite though.Perhaps a mention of Seith in the last paragraph or two, somehow? He feels missing.
Funny you should ask that, Snow.new chapter? Hmm? T'would be nice.
â€œFay-old,â€ it agreed, nodding slowly. It worked its mouth and its next words were more intelligible. â€œBut others come.â€ It reached out a clawed hand toward her, grasping, then dropped it. Suddenly, its lips drew back in a ghoulish grin. â€œAt the village, I killed a woman who smelled like you. Your mother? She begged for her life.â€ Then its eyes stared past her and no breath rose in its chest.
This bit sounded a little repetitive to me in terms of sentence structure; I'd suggest changing the middle sentence to something like ""Lifting her head, Shael saw that..."tamrend said:She ventured a deep breath and found that there was no pain. She lifted her head and saw that she was lying on a bedroll with a bundle of heavy blankets pulled up to her chin. They were in a small clearing at the base of a tall, withering oak tree.
Is this a typo with an extra period? Ellipses usually use three periods, and this place doesn't seem like the best time to use one.tamrend said:A humble fire crackled and sparked nearby, melting a circle in the snow..
You use the word "hellspawn" perhaps a bit too much in this passage, and in general. It's not a major problem, but it does get a little repetitive and distracting. Some alternatives that I didn't see: "fiend," "devil," "imp," "fell being," etc.tamrend said:â€œThe hellspawn took you south for a day, while they traveled north. That means that they have a five-day start on us. Even if we could manage to move fast enough to catch them, the land to the north is infested with hellspawn. There are thousands, maybe tens of thousands of demons out looking for your friends. Slayers can track just as well as I can. If we are able to find Kelsiaâ€™s trail, so can they. To try to follow Kelsia would mean putting ourselves right into the thick of them. When we did come upon hellspawn, which we inevitably would, youâ€™re too weak to run and you certainly canâ€™t fight. Your life means too much to throw it away in a useless gesture.â€
That should be "off."tamrend said:"None of us understood what had happened, not even after I told Master Graegor about how the two of you made of with his horses."
The last clause here is confusing; did you mean "who" instead of "you"?tamrend said:All except Makaya, you stayed by her side almost constantly.
Again, word repetition: "village" comes up a lot, without any synonyms present.tamrend said:Shael stretched and strained for a view of the village, but the rugged brush that clung to the hillside stubbornly blocked her sight.
They reached the bottom of the hill and the road straightened, carrying them on towards the village. Patches of blackened trees and scorched ground attested to the recent fire that had spread from the village, but when Shael looked at Edwin, she saw a look of concern on his face. â€œWhatâ€™s wrong?â€ she asked him.
That should be "younger."tamrend said:He was two years youngers than Shael, still more boy than man.
"Showed" works, but I'd suggest using a less general verb in order to work up a better image for the reader.tamrend said:He looked up and recognition showed on his face at once.
There's a "Caelin" later in the story; is this the same person? If not, I'd recommend changing the name, because it's a little confusing.tamrend said:â€œKaelin said that Diablo and Baal have returned and that the gate to Hell has been opened. Itâ€™s not true, is it?â€
Shael's father isn't named Tarin, is he? It seemed kind of that way when I first read this because of the sentence structure, but then the only way that there's six of them is if his name isn't given and Tarin is one of her brothers.tamrend said:It seemed more crowded than before, and that was the only thought she could form before six men and boys of varying ages swooped in on her. Her father, Tarin, Maron, Dallin, Renn, and Caelin by turns hugged her and clapped her on the back, all of them talking at once.
You're missing a quotation mark at the end here.tamrend said:â€œYou shouldnâ€™t go out there, sir,â€ Dallin said, stepping up to block his path. â€œItâ€™s too dangerous after dark.
This question was a little surprising to me, since I didn't get any indication that her father was hiding something from the rest of the survivors. Granted, it's necessary to move the plot, but you might want to add Shael noticing something "off" about her father when Loric talks so that it's less sudden.tamrend said:â€œWell, it seems that youâ€™ve all managed to survive pretty well, given the circumstances. But I need to know, how bad is it, really?â€
The fragment before this worked stylistically, but I'd change this one into a sentence by adding "She heard" to the beginning or something.tamrend said:The sound of bowstrings snapping and her father calling her name.
There's a repeated "her" in this sentence that I think you can delete, or replace with "a".tamrend said:When they returned, her cheeks her puffy red from crying, but she nodded. â€œYou can go.â€
Shael's reaction to this seems a little too cold and calculating for a fourteen year old, even if she's been hardened by what she's seen.tamrend said:He fixed her with a solemn look. â€œShael, the village is gone. It has been burned and leveled just like this one.â€
â€œIâ€™m going to Dunesmar,â€ she told him. â€œIâ€™m going to bring back whatever help the duke will offer us. Telling them about Sandon will only make my case the more urgent.â€
Hmm. Interesting. To tell the truth, "Kaelin" was made up on the spot, just something to throw out there and keep moving. "Caelin" appeared the following day of writing, when I was searching for names of Celtic/Gaelic origin. I suppose it makes sense to make them the same person.RevenantsKnight said:There's a "Caelin" later in the story; is this the same person? If not, I'd recommend changing the name, because it's a little confusing.
No. I chose not to give her mother and father's names as a stylistic choice. They are referred to in the same way Shael would think of them. How about if I change it to: Tarin, Maron, Dallin, Renn, Caelin and her father by turns hugged her and clapped her on the back, all of them talking at once.Shael's father isn't named Tarin, is he?
I'll consider that. Part of my point here is that Shael knows the demons now better than any of the villagers and recognizes the harsh reality of their situation.This question was a little surprising to me, since I didn't get any indication that her father was hiding something from the rest of the survivors. Granted, it's necessary to move the plot, but you might want to add Shael noticing something "off" about her father when Loric talks so that it's less sudden.
I'll look at it.The fragment before this worked stylistically, but I'd change this one into a sentence by adding "She heard" to the beginning or something.
Actually, it was supposed to read: When they returned, her cheeks were puffy red from crying, but she nodded. â€œYou can go.â€There's a repeated "her" in this sentence that I think you can delete, or replace with "a".
You're right. Honestly, I was up way too late last night and wanted to just get this part posted. I couldn't think of a proper transition to reflect her reaction. I'll get it in the rewrite.Shael's reaction to this seems a little too cold and calculating for a fourteen year old, even if she's been hardened by what she's seen.
Thanks for reading! I find that it takes me forever to do really thorough editing. I then begin to add to and change little bits of the story and end up not just editing but actually committing to a second draft. Then, of course, new errors crop up. Getting feedback is invaluable to me because it helps to pinpoint actual mistakes so that I don't get off track and just rewrite the thing (which is why I'm stalled on my other project).Anyway, it's a good sign that most of the comments I can make are on small grammatical errors. :lol: Well done, and thanks for posting!
Yeah, I had to bop over to the Arreat Summit to figure this one out...it's the Act II guard by Jerhyn who prevents player characters from entering the palace prior to the Arcane Sanctuary quest. Personally, I don't think this is a problem, since he's in a different region (this doesn't seem like Aranoch), and he's such a minor character.tamrend said:Kaelan?
Now that's one I don't remember. It's been months since I even logged in. Which act is (s)he in?
That works.tamrend said:How about if I change it to: Tarin, Maron, Dallin, Renn, Caelin and her father by turns hugged her and clapped her on the back, all of them talking at once.