Book II now please.
She pushed herself back from him, unable to look away from the horror she had unleashed. The smell of roasting meat filled her nostrils as he thrashed and screamed, pleading with her to make it stop. Very soon, though, he lost his voice, and moments later, his wild, flailing movements stopped.
Attempting to feel sympathy... yeah, nope. Righteous.
Smoke poured from at least a dozen windows and flames lapped at the open doorway she had just come though.
Should be
through.
“Find out if what your commander knows about whatever it is you are seeing and report back.â€
Should be
Find out what.
That world vanished and another, one of crumbling buildings, foul air and cobbled street, took its place.
Should be
streets.
“We’re protected now,†he said, stepping into the tunnel. “The fire won’t burn us.â€
Sure, but how do they breathe when the air is fire?
The house before them was ablaze, but stranger by far was the flames that covered the street along one side.
Should be
were the flames.
Just inside the fire’s boundary, Niravi turned, his shield already glowing red with the heat. “Wait for me,†he said. Within a few steps, he had vanished.
It occurs to me that moments like this would have more impact if I could pick Niravi out of a crowd of one. Most of these characters are little more than names, and there are so many now it's overwhelming. I almost care about them, but really, why should I? Lang's dead, so now I have one less mage to remember. Enough time is spent on "guys with Marius" and "Rehan's motley crew" and so on to make them seem worth caring about without giving us a reason to care. I think it'd be better if you either fleshed out each group to the point where at least half of them were developed enough to be memorable, or concentrated on your point of view characters and marginalized their companions.
It's only these recent chapters where it's a problem. With Shael and the army, it felt more like Shael, a few key supporting characters, maybe a few too many named guys, and a host of warm bodies. I remember earlier chapters being similar. Maeryn vs. the Horadrim, with Maeryn and enough strong personalities to balance out the number of throwaway mages. And of course, the core cast, Kelsia, Shael, Seith and Marius. Not to mention Loric. Right now, it's too busy.
She felt a sudden jerk, as though something in the staff has released its hold, and the pain hit her so hard that she fell to her knees.
Should be
staff had.
Rehan raised his sword to strike, and ghostly tendrils flowed from him and into the blade. Cold mist swirled around it, flames licked along the edge and sparks jumped from it.
Too bad he can't switch to Conviction or something. Paladins are ever at the mercy of companions who can't be bothered maxing their res.
“The Light will protect us from his lightning,†the other paladin murmured.
Solution: find likeminded souls.
Wow. Can't believe it's over. So much left unresolved. Shael and Kelsia are still separated, neither knowing the other yet lives, Maeryn's in limbo, and now Seith's stuck with an uberpowerful sorceror. No way of saving him without Kelsia's help. He lives at Horazon's whim.
Kinda glad I took my time. Long enough wait ahead of me as it is.
