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The Hero Must Fall

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by buttaz, Jun 28, 2005.

  1. buttaz

    buttaz IncGamers Member

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    The Hero Must Fall

    Hey all, i like many, have always been intruiged by the Diablo 1's hero's descent into madness, i think the story of diablo 1 is much more dark and enjoyable than D2, but this is another issue. Anyways, this is my piece on the warrior.....



    Blood flows from the man's ashen face, dripping its warm crimson stream down on his nose and lips. With the collapsed beast at his feet, the man awkwardly stands with only his sword to prevent him from dropping to the blood-soaked ground beside the slain demon. In this Hell, where the warrior's cataclismic battle took place, everything seems to be decaying around the him. As the blood-streaked walls of human bone slowly form back into the grey stone of the true Monastery, the beast, Diablo, likewase changes.

    In mere moments, the Lord of Terror has vanished, in his place lies the Kings only son, *****. He breathes slowly. The prince's sand colored hair hangs down over a gaping hole in the boy's forehead. Laying to the side of the boy is the red jewel, the soulstone, the cause of this accursed ordeal.

    The blood-soaked man kneels down to the stone, when his fingers touch its warm surface, the dimming ruby light shines with a renewed vigor. The man feels the thing pulse in his hand, and the throbbing gem suddenly reminds the warrior of a human heart. The man cradles the stone in his cupped hands, carefully, almost tenderly, for in this stone lurks the spirit of the Lord of all things evil.

    The prince on the floor breathes his last, and his head falls to the side. This goes unnoticed by the man who now kneels on the stones of the Monastery, holding in his hands the potential fall of all mankind. His mind is clouded, all by a single voice. The voice is soft, yet the warrior senses great power in its soothing sound. It is telling him to take the stone in his hand, and the warrior obeys. Holding the pulsing stone with the tip of it pointed at his head like a dagger turned backwards, the man remains still. Now the voice is telling him more, it is saying that all things may become well, and that he holds the power to do so in his very hand. The man understands, although the other voice, the voice of the man's own mind, screams in protest, the other voice overwhelms it with its alluring promises. That moment in the Monastery of the town of Tristram, is one of pure evil. The warrior plunges the stone deep into the flesh on his own forehead, and as his vision is overwhelmed by darkness, the gem shines brighter still.

    Hours later, the man who carries only his blade, stumbles through the blackened door of the Monastery. His long black hair shrouds the now unlighted gem which pierces his flesh. He shambles into the main square of Tristram, and near the large fountain in the middle of the square, stands Dekerd CAin. The warrior stands in front of Cain, and it is there where he tells his story of his journey to the heart of Hell.

    AFter the story ends with the Prince's death, the warrior excuses himself. Cain watches as the warrior, whose name remains unknown to the people of Tristram, dissapear into the doorway of the lodging the townspeople had offered him, and at that moment, a vague whisper in Cains mind says two things

    Crimson Light
     
  2. buttaz

    buttaz IncGamers Member

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    Over the next three days, the town of Tristram celebrates the victory of the unknown warrior, where many have failed, this one has succeeded, and the townspeople need not worry of the darkness of night. They shower the victor in gifts, and the festive party stays in full swing for the entire time. With the townspeople so ecstatic with their joy, no one notices on the third day when the very center of their praise sneaks away.

    Hours later, after observing the absence of the warrior, Cain checks the man's lodgings, which is the only place the man has really been since the day of his emergence from the laberynth. The man sits in the darkness, with his hooded cloak pulled low over his face, he seems not to notice as Cain speaks in his doorway. Once again, The Sorcerer swears he sees a red light from beneath the warriors hood. After getting no response from the man, Cain leaves, he understands that the man had seen horrible things, and soon tells the others of the town to leave the man his space.

    If Cain had been able to enter the mind of the warrior, who sat with his knees pulled to his chest, he would have heard the Lord of Terror assaulting the man's sanity...

    The voice is in the warriors head, and as soothing and right this voice sounded before, it is now replaced with a voice of undescribable terror and cruel, mocking venom hundreds of times more powerful...

    You sicken me mortal...
    You "crusader" of the light
    You're no crusader
    You're a joke

    the voice spits these insults in its cruel voice,

    Although you may have suceeded in banishing me from the mortal realm...

    You have also supplied me with an even better shell to anchor myself to your world...

    its booming laughter attacks the man's mind from all angles. With its terrifying voice, the demon speaks more to the warrior.

    You may think that I cannot win, because of the sole fact that you are a champion of the light and I am but a "cowardly" denizen of the darkness which you cast away...

    Do you believe that good will always triumph over evil... light over darkness?

    If you do... you are wrong.

    With a mocking laugh, the demon adds...

    Is this the enternal harmony that your faith suggests, i think not.

    With that final statement, the last of the warriors' sanity is torn away, and as he prays in vain for redemption, his only answer is another of the demons' booming laughs, and as the warrior sits in his lodging, his mind is casted to the blackness of Hell.
    ___________________________________________________



    Well there ya go, thats my bit . any replies will be appreciated, along with any criticism. Thanks for reading.
     
  3. skilledlord

    skilledlord IncGamers Member

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    hmm mmmm, pretty good, i'm interested in the "mysterious warrior" that killed diablo too.
     
  4. 0xDEADCAFE

    0xDEADCAFE IncGamers Member

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    I, too, thought this was pretty good. My biggest criticism would be that it feels too much like a sketch of a story, rather than a story itself. The closest I felt to the character was when you wrote what Diablo was whispering in the warrior's head. That felt very close-up and personal, and I could understand what he was going through, but most of the time it felt like I was watching from far way.

    If you are thinking about working on this story some more, I would suggest adding some dialog between Cain and the warrior when he gets back from defeating Diablo. I'm also curious to see first-hand how he changes over that three days of celebrating. Sure, we know he gets slowly taken over by Diablo, but what is that like? Maybe you could add a few scenes that occur over the course of the celebration that show us through dialog, actions, and thoughts just exactly what's happening to him, and what it feel like.

    You may just find that there is a lot more to this story...
     
  5. buttaz

    buttaz IncGamers Member

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    Well thanks, i think i will add more to the story, and ill try to eliminate that far-away feel of the story. Im thinking maybe going through with the story as s 1sp person, "I watched as the beast..." for the wanderer, it makes it more personal in my opinion.
     
  6. Fluffballer

    Fluffballer IncGamers Member

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    I agree-- I think there is a dramatic difference in the sort of Beyowolf distance in the begining, and then the up close and personal in the end, even in those few short paragraphs. Getting "up close and personal" makes the story much more horrifying, as the read relates to the hero.
     
  7. RevenantsKnight

    RevenantsKnight IncGamers Member

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    Hrm...there are some things here that look interesting; while the Wanderer might be a hard character to write, Blizzard definitely didn’t fill in as much as they could’ve about him. I do, though, agree with 0xDEADCAFE and Fluffballer about how parts of this seem pretty distant; I’d even go so far as to suggest that you could probably cut the entire first part of the story and focus heavily on the transition from hero to demon, since the story before and after that period is fairly well known. After all, there’s the cutscene at the end of Diablo I, so even if you describe it very, very well, you’ll still be doing a remake of something pretty fixed, and I don’t think that’ll be as interesting as a tale of what happened after that. Other than that and some noticeable grammatical and spelling errors, though, this looks like a start; I too think that a longer conversation between the hero and Diablo is an idea with promise. Some specific comments:

    That’s spelled “cataclysmic,†and the “the†at the end of the sentence is unnecessary and should be deleted.

    That should be “likewise.â€

    Erm...Leoric’s son is named Albrecht, which shouldn’t get bleeped out by the word filter and also isn’t five letters. Also, “Kings†should be “King’s,†since you mean that he’s the King’s son, and not that there were multiple Kings. Finally, the comma after “vanished†should be a semicolon..

    That should be “Lying at the side of...â€

    The comma after “stone†should be a semicolon, because if you divided this sentence into two at that point with a period, then each segment would be grammatically correct as its own sentence. Technically speaking, a complete sentence has a subject (the man and the light in this case) and a verb (kneels and shines), so you can look for these if you’re unsure whether or not something could be two separate sentences. The more intuitive, and probably more useful, test, though, is to replace any comma in question with a period, and then read the new version over, stopping for a second at the period. If it sounds right, then you should probably consider using a period or a semicolon instead of a comma.

    I think you could tighten this passage up a bit by combining some of the sentences. Something like “His mind is clouded by a single voice, soft and soothing, though he can sense great power behind its gentle tones†seems to read better to me, as it’s less stop-and-go with fewer periods.

    Also, this is a decidedly subjective point, but I think that using “He hears†instead of “It is telling him†would bring the reader closer to the story, because the latter suggests a relatively omniscient narrator, and therefore a definite intermediate between the reader and the story, while focusing on the hero of Tristram and what he experiences makes that intermediate much less noticeable.

    “...like a dagger turned backwards†seems a bit unnecessary here; if you say the point’s aimed at his head, I think people will get what you mean.

    The comma after “more†should be a period or a semicolon. This sort of error is called a comma splice, so don’t be too surprised if I use such a phrase later.

    That should be “...and although...â€

    This line seemed unnecessarily dramatic to me, and in fact I think you could get away with deleting it entirely. It doesn’t really add a heck of a lot, in my opinion, since this scene and its results are already known.

    That should be “Deckard Cain.â€

    This is the sort of reason why I’d argue that the first part of the story isn’t really necessary: there’s no way to do this part in a lot of detail without taking attention from the central struggle between Diablo and the nameless hero. As it is, just one general sentence, it feels out of place, like filler put in to mark time, which is more often than not unnecessary.

    That should be “After.†If you’re using Microsoft Word, I think you can make it autocorrect doubled capitals.

    Grammar and spelling notes: “disappear†has two “pâ€s and one “s,†and “Cains†should be “Cain’s.â€

    There’s a comma splice after “unknown warrior.â€

    In this context, I’ve usually seen the first part of the sentence worded as “They shower the victor with gifts.†Also, “in full swing†sounds rather...modern for the setting. I’d try to find a different wording for this.

    That should be “labyrinth.â€

    Either the comma after “darkness†or the one after “face†should be a semicolon. Also, “speaks in his doorway†sounds odd to me; I’d think this should be worded “speaks from the doorway†or “speaks, standing in the doorway,†though I’m not sure on this.

    Hrm...why is “The Sorcerer†capitalized? I found “Sorcerer†rather confusing, since it suggests the Diablo I class by its capitalization and Cain isn’t a member of the Vizjerei.

    I don’t know how closely you intend to stick to Cain’s account of this in the Diablo II manual; strictly speaking, this conflicts with what is written there. From the abrupt change in the Wanderer’s behavior in that text, it seems as if Diablo finally wins out at the moment Cain begins to leave, as opposed to shortly afterwards. Also, there’s a comma splice after “Cain leaves.â€

    “Undescribable†should be “indescribable†and “warriors†should be “warrior’s.†In general, an “s†at the end of a noun indicates plurality, or that there’s more than one of that object, while an apostrophe-s combination indicates possession.

    That should be “succeeded.†In general, I thought this was a pretty good start to the dialogue, though it could be stronger if the Wanderer still managed some sort of defense. That would give Diablo the chance to just rip him apart by making a mockery of everything he said.

    I’d delete this sentence on the grounds that its matter-of-fact tone rather breaks up the Diablo-driven buildup to the end.

    That should be “eternal,†and I’d make the comma after “suggests†a question mark, breaking this into two sentences, as if Diablo paused for effect. Also, the “I†after that should be capitalized.

    “Casted†should be “cast.†Also, “warriors’†and “demons’†would be correct if there were multiple warriors or demons, but as it is, they should be “warrior’s†and “demon’s.â€

    Anyway, I think that if you focus this idea on the transformation, of sorts, that the Wanderer undergoes after jamming the Soulstone in his head, there’ll be a lot of ways you could play out some very interesting mortal vs. demon battles, either literal or figurative. Thanks for posting!
     

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