The Cow King

mrGrobyILM

Diabloii.Net Member
The Cow King

After reading the FFF rules and regulations I have to say that I feel a bit traumatised and I wasn't sure to whether or not I should post this "poem".
But, I just had to.
So...here it is.

The Cow King


A transmuting flash in the back of my eyes,
A shinny red portal - true, no surprise.
I enter and watch as my mind unfurled
the secrets within, secrets kept by burrowed.

No need for elusive magic or spell
only claws of Phoenix to claim the fiery Hell.
The legion fell silent in the ragging fight,
falling, one by one, through the burning night.

Only one remained standing, one bearing witness to fate,
as He waits for His own at the brown wooden gate.
Under the hood of His cloak I saw patience less brows.
'tis the Lord of true Terror, the King of all Cows.


Robert Grifatong Jr. '06.


thought it was, if nothing, interesting. Hope you've found streinght to enjoy it.:smiley:
 

The Last Melon

Diabloii.Net Member
Yes, you can post the poem. If you take a closer look you'll see that there are several poems currently on these forums.

Your poem is, yes, interesting, and enjoyable, but there were a number of spelling errors that threw me off. I'll list them here quickly:

"shinny" = "shiny"
"unfurled" = "unfurls" - I would assume this because most of this poem appears to be in present tense. I could be wrong.
"secrets kept by burrowed" = "secrets kept burrowed"
"ragging" = "raging"
"patience less" = "patience-less" or "patientless", or something. I don't know. Patience less doesn't work, and I can't think of an accurate synonym.
"brows" = "brow", I think.

Also, you've missed a few spaces every now and again. I'll leave you to look for them.

Lastly, what do you mean by "claws of Phoenix"?
 

mrGrobyILM

Diabloii.Net Member
I knew I shouldn't have let Microsoft Word "correct" my spelling...
In the original work I wrote "patientless", but Word "corrected" me. I think it was the same with "shiny" and "raging"...
"unfurled" is put in past tence for the purpose of rhiming with "burrowed" (I didn't think tences would be a problem, honestly).
"Secrets kept by burrowed" is correct for, you see, it is the "burrowed" who keep the secrets...the secrets are already "burrowed", aren't they!? :smiley:

The loss of spaces occured due to the change of fonts on the forums. There are spaces, but they are hardly noticable.

And my favorite...:tongue:
"Claws of Phoenix" refer to the Phoenix strike (assassin skill) which is executed by a class of weapons known as - claws. So...there you have it.

Don't mean to use it as an excuse, but English isn't my native language and...what I'm trying to say is - thanx for comments and for not laughing your *** off while you (or any other person) defragment me with endlesly hurtfull and embarasing jokes on the count of my post.


PS Am I supposed to correct/edit the poem, or do I leave it hanging around like that?
 

ale beer two

Diabloii.Net Member
Edit it.

Everyone has read the comments anyway.

Oh, and I thought it was awesome. :)

I knew what Claws of Pheonix was too.
 

mrGrobyILM

Diabloii.Net Member
I'm really glad you liked it (you play sins?), but teh browser's not showing me the "edit post" button, so I'm just going to redo the whole thing...
Enjoy!


The Cow King


A transmuting flash in the back of my eyes,
A shiny red portal - true, no surprise.
I enter and watch as my mind unfurled
the secrets within, secrets kept by burrowed.

No need for elusive magic or spell
only claws of Phoenix to claim the fiery Hell.
The legion fell silent in the raging fight,
falling, one by one, through the burning night.

Only one remained standing, one bearing witness to fate,
as He waits for His own at the brown wooden gate.
Under the hood of His cloak I saw patientless brows.
'tis the Lord of true Terror, the King of all Cows.

Robert Grifatong Jr. '06.




impatient*
What do you mean by that?
btw, I like your nick. :grin:



 

0xDEADCAFE

Diabloii.Net Member
Like it. The rhyme and rhythm and enjoyable, and it paints a fond and very recognizable picture in just a few short stanzas. Sorry for being late to comment but:

- In the first stanza: I don't get "secrets kept by burrowed" at all. This is not so much a criticism as a "Huh?"

- In the first line of the last stanza: the word one in "one bearing witness to fate" seems to interrupt the rhythm. To my ear this flows better:.

Only one remained standing, bearing witness to fate,
as He waits for His own at the brown wooden gate.


My only other comment is that I would assume that ispankpidgeons's brief comment was a suggestion for a replacement for the non-word "patientless." I second the motion. "Patientless" doesn't really mean anything to me except for possibly "impatient."
 

The Last Melon

Diabloii.Net Member
"Secrets kept by burrowed" is correct for, you see, it is the "burrowed" who keep the secrets...the secrets are already "burrowed", aren't they!?
In which case, it should be "Secrets kept by the burrowed". Also, you can only edit your post for about an hour after the post, after which you can't edit.
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Sorry about these being a little bit late. In general, I thought this was a fun little read, so :thumbsup: for that.

Other than the bits that other people noted already, the phrase "claim the fiery Hell" seemed rather odd to me, in that it sounds like it's describing the Cow Level as a "fiery Hell," and that's an odd characterization for the place, even if the character is lighting the place up. I wasn't quite sure what you were trying for there, and might suggest reworking that line. That's all that I noticed, though, other than the previously mentioned things.

Thanks for posting!
 
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