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The Altore Chronicles - Chapter 1 FINAL

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Aradhai, Jun 2, 2005.

  1. Aradhai

    Aradhai Banned

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    The Altore Chronicles - Chapter 1 FINAL

    I had to make some changes and couldn't edit the previous thread, so please read this one instead! Sorry about that >.<.
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    The Altore Chronicles

    Prologue
    He sniffed the air and spat. It was filled with foul human stink. His cloak, black as the night around him, trailed behind his towering, skeletal figure. The encampment rose above the dark horizon, the log walls making a black silhouette against the darkening sky. He travelled towards it, quicker now, seemingly impatient. He walked over the bridge, with the camp now looming above him. With a whispered word, he dissolved into the air around him. Evil trailed in his wake.

    Chapter One - Entering the Rogue Encampment
    The mid-morning autumn sun revealed a warrior, clad in a dark blue cloak, over his shining silver armour. A broad and simple sword, neatly encrusted with two beautiful sapphires at the hilt hung at his waist. His tall, black stallion trotted merrily towards the camp and every now and then, tossed its head back elegantly, as if to show its importance. The warrior was no less than twenty paces from the camp when an elderly woman came walking out. She wore a purple dress and black shawl, and carried a long wooden staff. He jumped off his horse and walked to the woman, leading the horse by its leather reins.
    "Greetings young traveller. I am Akara, the leader of our humble encampment." She spoke with confidence and a slightly musical voice, but nothing could hide the mental scars, which caused her tone to waver unevenly. “You are one of a few who have passed by, but I am forgetting my manners! I must offer you shelter and food. You look tired, and in need of a good meal!†Her inviting voice reminded the warrior of his mother, who had long since perished in the haunted monastery.
    "Hello! I am Altore, from Morald. I am honoured to meet you. Your kind hospitalities will be greatly appreciated, although I come to bring bad news. Very bad news."

    Akara led Altore to a large tent containing a large desk and a few comfy chairs. Apart from that, the only furnishings were four beds and a bath. He spoke of what he had to tell.
    "Evil is all around. I fear that this whole land may soon be taken over by creatures of evil, and more worryingly, some very powerful demons. Andariel has returned to the monastery catacombs, and rumours are told that Diablo has now returned to full power! Unless this can be stopped, we may be driven to the most remote corners of our world, and always aware that we may die tomorrow. You may have to leave this place, to Morald maybe. It's strong stone walls may hold for a while.â€
    Akara said nothing, but then broke the silence and spoke slowly and carefully.
    "I am afraid that we are in even more danger than you think, young man. Your tellings are only childish nightmares to what may be. What was, what is, and what will be, may yet fall under the Shadow. It is true. The Dark One has returned, greater and more terrible than ever before."

    To be continued…
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    Thanks for reading, please post your comments!
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    EDIT: Made some changes to spelling and grammar mistakes, changed some wrong names from my previous version (which can be seen on my ex-clan site, www.freewebs.com/theimmortalage
     
  2. RevenantsKnight

    RevenantsKnight IncGamers Member

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    Hrm...I have to say, there was something about the atmosphere of this story that seemed...unusual to me. In terms of plot and such, there were also some elements that were confusing, though that could be due to the fact that this is short and therefore those points aren’t really explained yet. Grammatically, this was pretty clean and read smoothly, other than some issues with commas, which I’ll point out in more detail. Anyway, some specific comments:

    On the Prologue: frankly, I’m not sure what to make of it yet. It did get my attention, which is good at the start of a story, but I’m not exactly sure how it’s supposed to tie in with the plot. Hopefully, you’ll come back to this in the near future...

    The comma after “cloak†is unnecessary and should be deleted. Whenever you have a phrase that is surrounded by commas, try removing it from the sentence and seeing if the modified version makes sense. If it doesn’t, then at least one of those two commas needs to be changed. For example, “The mid-morning autumn sun revealed a warrior over his shining silver armor†sounds a bit nonsensical.

    There should be a comma after “hilt.â€

    The comma after “then†should be deleted.

    I’d try to drop the repetition of “horse†in this sentence by replacing one instance with a synonym so this doesn’t sound as monotonous. Maybe “jumped off his mount†or “leading the animal by its leather reins†would suit your needs.

    There should be a comma after “Greetings.â€

    Interesting touch, but I remember Akara’s voice as being slow and somewhat rough with age.

    This was probably the single biggest reason why I thought the story’s tone felt weird. I can’t reconcile this almost joyful hospitality and rather selfless offer with the fact that the Rogues had retreated to this encampment from the monastery after suffering probably the biggest loss in their history.

    I would spend a little more time at least on this fact; it’s obviously a fairly important aspect of Altore’s past, and just stating the bland facts and moving on makes it feel much less meaningful. Also, there’s not much of an emotional impact on the reader here; it’s over too fast for much, in my opinion.

    A slightly unrelated note: the reader really doesn’t get to know much about Altore, and that does hinder the reader from liking him, disliking him, empathizing with him, or whatever. Such connections are not essential per se, but without them, you’d probably need another major source of interest, such as a moral question, to keep the reader reading. Just so he isn’t as much of a blank, I’d try to describe him, physically or otherwise, some more in the opening chapter; it doesn’t have to be anything groundbreaking, just something for the reader to have as a mental image.

    The last part of this sentence seems incomplete; did you mean to say something like “...and more worryingly, by some very powerful demons�

    Hrm...you might want to hint earlier that this takes place after the games (at least, that’s what it seems like to me). Not knowing that really threw me for a while.

    This sounded perhaps a little overdramatic to me. I’d think Akara would realize that the Prime Evils are trouble, and considering her experience, this just seems unnecessary.

    That should be “its strong stone walls.†“It’s†is the contraction of “it is,†while “its†is used to indicate possession.

    My thoughts on this passage are similar to those on Altore’s words; the vague, sweeping visions of doom really don’t tell the reader much. To me, it sounds a little like Altore and Akara are trying to scare each other with ghost stories. My advice on this: add in a dose of reality. I can’t imagine anyone presenting bad news, life-changing or otherwise, in such a dramatic fashion in real life. Yes, there is a time to use this sort of grand writing, but it isn’t all the time.

    “Tellings†isn’t really a word; perhaps “fears†or “words†would do here. Also, it seems to me that this would be better worded as “...nightmares compared to what may be.â€

    Overall, this looks like a start, though I’d suggest you add in more details and slow the pace down a little, so it doesn’t seem like the story’s just zooming by. Anyway, I’ll read more if you’ve got it, because my curiosity’s piqued. Thanks for posting!
     
  3. Aradhai

    Aradhai Banned

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    Thank you for posting :). I'm working on chapter 2 and 3 at the moment, and will post it all in a couple of weeks :).
     
  4. Arkuss

    Arkuss IncGamers Member

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    Hey man

    You can go far with your story because of the way you put stuff but for a chapter that was pretty short... try to increase it. I will be waiting for your next chapters
     

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