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Tell a joke

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by IntellectSucks, May 2, 2008.

  1. IntellectSucks

    IntellectSucks IncGamers Member

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    Tell a joke

    A man is lost in the desert and has not water. The sun is so hot, he's so thirsty and in a fit of dehydrated delerium he strips down to his underwear. As he continues through the desert with no water, he only feels worse and worse. Eventually, when he is crawling on his hands and knees, he sees someone walking towards him. As the man approaches he sees it is a man in a full business suit, carrying a large duffel bag.
    "Please sir, I'm dying, I need water!!!" the lost man says
    "Well, I don't have any water my friend but this is still your lucky day!!! In this bag I have some of the finest, hand made shirts your money can buy. Warm in the winter, cool in the summer, wrinkle free, stain free, easy to care for and will last decades!! All this for prices so low you can fit them into ANY budget!!! So how many can I put you down for?" the salesman replies
    "Shirts? SHIRTS?!? YOU IDIOT I'M DYING!!! I DON'T NEED YOUR STUPID SHIRTS!!! I NEED WATER!!!"
    "Well, if you're going to be nasty I'll just take my shirts elsewhere." With that, the salesman walks away and the man continues to move through the desert. Finally, just as he feels he can't go on any longer, he sees, right there in the middle of the desert, a bar. Screaming and whooping with joy, he gets up and runs to the bar only to have the bouncer stop him at the door.
    "Where do you think you're going buddy?"
    "Please sir, I've been lost in the desert for so long, I just need some water."
    "Can't help you pal." the bouncer says and points to a sign mounted on the wall-NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE.
     
  2. CrimsonOmen

    CrimsonOmen IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    3 men stand on a bridge. One is from Russia, one from Mexico and one from U.S. The Russian takes out a bottle of vodka and throws it in the river. ''Why did you do that?!'' asks the Mexican ''That was a perfectly good bottle of vodka!''
    -''Theres a lot of that where I come from'' answers the Russian.
    Then the Mexican takes out a taco and throws it in the river. ''Why did you do that?!''' asks the American '' That was a perfectly good taco!''
    - ''Theres a lot of that where I come from'' answers the Mexican.
    Then suddenly the American grabs the Mexican and throws him into the river. "Why the hell did you do that?!'' asks the Russian.
    ''Thers a lot of that where I come from...''

    I bet everyone heard this one, but wth.
     
  3. AluminumKnight

    AluminumKnight IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    Three men walk into a bar. One ducks.
     
  4. mince pies

    mince pies IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    A young man sits down at a bar.
    "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
    "I want six shots of Jagermeister," responds the young man.
    "Six shots!?" says the bartender, "Are you celebrating something?"
    "Yeah, my first blowjob," replies the young man.
    "Well, in that case," says the bartender, slapping him on the back, "let me give you a seventh on the house."
    The man holds up his hand, "No offense, sir. But if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.”
     
  5. MedctnStn

    MedctnStn IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    a guy walks into a proctologist's office one day. he pulls his pants down whilethe doctor puts on a pair of gloves and gives the guy his examination. when he is done, the doctor tells him that he has prostate cancer. the man asks for a second opinion. just as he says this, the doctor puts his hand back in and says the same thing. the man asks why he did that and the doctor replied, "what, i used my other hand."
     
  6. johnnyd

    johnnyd IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    As soon as I saw this thread, I knew I was going to post this joke. I can't believe someone beat me to it! Good one anyways.



     
  7. Tanooki

    Tanooki IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    Any idea how many blonde jokes there are currently?

    None - they're all true.
     
  8. TjejKast

    TjejKast Banned

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    Re: Tell a joke

    Do you know why blonde jokes are always so simple? So that brunettes can understand them.
     
  9. DaveZa

    DaveZa IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    it's green and it's sticky

    Kermit the Sticker (made it up myself...if anyone would like to hire me as a stand-up comedian--> just shout :thumbsup:)
     
  10. AeroJonesy

    AeroJonesy IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    Speaking of made-up jokes, here's one I made up for my friend:

    Q: What's the national card game of Portugal?
    A: Go Fish.
     
  11. HellHoundBarb

    HellHoundBarb IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    I think all the non-Dutch speaking persons here don't get the joke, but it's pretty funny :thumbsup:

    HHB


     
  12. Dawnmaster

    Dawnmaster IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    All the dutch versions of Kermit jokes have all been made up a long time ago (Kermit de Flikker, Kermit de Fikker, Kermit de Sticker, Kermit de Neger)

    Didn't know the bridge joke and the blowjob one though, good ones, gonna adjust them a little (races/names) to aggravate the foreign people at my work :grin:



     
  13. AeroJonesy

    AeroJonesy IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    Does "kermit" mean green?
     
  14. mince pies

    mince pies IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humour!''
    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little b***ard on your knee!
     
  15. HellHoundBarb

    HellHoundBarb IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    No, this is Kermit.
    The Dutch word for frog is "kikker", so he is called "Kermit de kikker" in Dutch. And there are some words that sound as kikker in Dutch (like sticker) so that's the joke.

    HHB


     
  16. Johnny

    Johnny Banned

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    Re: Tell a joke

    If God comdemns me because a Catholic path I did not take. Then so be it. Eternal Hell, here I come.

    Speaking of Hell, I'll be serving my National Service until the 28th of September this year.
     
  17. ModeratelyConfused

    ModeratelyConfused Banned

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    Re: Tell a joke

    Wow, you guys are easily amused.



     
  18. plasmo

    plasmo IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a drop off, the ground being 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on, and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




    Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round.
     
  19. HarbingerOfDeth

    HarbingerOfDeth IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    An Amish family goes to a big city for the first time. The father and his son are standing in the lobby of a huge hotel. They watch an ugly, old woman walk into an elevator. The doors close, then reopen after a few minutes. Out walks a young, beautiful woman. The father leans down to his son and says, "Son, go get your mother."
     
  20. Dondrei

    Dondrei IncGamers Member

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    Re: Tell a joke

    And I thought the German sense of humour was scary.

    You should've taken the sissy community service alternative.



     

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