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Stick writes a love poem

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by TheGreatStickels, Apr 1, 2004.

  1. TheGreatStickels

    TheGreatStickels IncGamers Member

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    Stick writes a love poem

    So, random love poem I wrote in psychology!

    disclaimer: I am not a poet

    I sit here
    Thinking of you
    Your so far away
    I want you
    I need you
    I love you
    I can't have you
    You are perfection
    More than I could ever dream for
    But I do dream
    Night and day
    Your gentle touch against my skin
    Talking and laughing
    Gazing into your eyes
    But your so far away
    And when I open my eyes
    Your never there
    Unhappiness and loneliness
    They are my companions now
    They come when thoughts of you depart
    I hear your voice
    It brings a simle to my face
    Joy fills my being
    Last we spoke
    It ended poorly
    And uneasiness surrounds my persona
    But we will speak again
    I will be happy soon
    Thinking of you makes me smile
    These days are bareable
    I will wait for you
    We will be together
    You are so far away
    I want you
    I need you
    I love you
    ...
    ...
    ...
    Save me

    whadda yah think?
     
  2. Yaboosh

    Yaboosh IncGamers Member

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    Pretty cliched.
     
  3. DurfBarian

    DurfBarian IncGamers Member

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    It doesn't make me want to wrap myself in your loving embrace, if that's what you're asking. Maybe that's a good thing from where you're sitting though.

    When you write a poem every word in it needs to be there for a good reason. Poems aren't just strings of words that rhyme or have rhythm or follow a certain theme; they are the meaning of language in its most concentrated form.

    When you include a line like "more than I could ever dream for" it sounds like you grasped it out of a cheesy love song somewhere. It doesn't sound like you thought deeply about the girl(?) receiving this poem, and who she is to you, and how you actually dream, and whether she is really beyond the scope of that dreaming. It sounds trite.

    Take a good, long look at each line in the work and think about why you put it in there. Why are those the words in this line? Do they really mean what they need to? Are they the best choice for this spot in the poem?

    Poems are short, but they take a lot of time and effort to do properly.
     
  4. Anakha1

    Anakha1 Banned

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    Agreed. I don't think it's anything unique or special.
     
  5. Steve_Kow

    Steve_Kow Banned

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    Try and get your "your"s and "you're"s right.

    I'll give you a :thumbsup: for having the cajones to post that publically though.
     
  6. TheGreatStickels

    TheGreatStickels IncGamers Member

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    heh

    maybe there's a good reason I'm not a poet
     

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