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Some humor to lighten your day

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Syxx, Mar 17, 2005.

  1. Syxx

    Syxx IncGamers Member

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    Some humor to lighten your day

    An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

    "What happened?" says the doctor.

    "Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

    The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

    "Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
    *********************************************************

    A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter..... just get out!"
    *********************************************************

    Boss, Can I take the day off?
    Let's take a look at what you are asking for....
    There are 365 days per year available for work.
    There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
    Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
    You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
    With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
    You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.
    We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
    We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be Damned if you're going to take that day off!!!
    *********************************************************

    Hilarious Newspaper Headlines
    (the best of 1999)

    1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
    2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
    3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
    4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
    5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
    6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
    7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
    8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
    9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
    10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
    11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
    12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
    13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
    14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
    15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
    16. War Dims Hope for Peace
    17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
    18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
    19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
    20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
    21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
    22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
    23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
    24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
    *********************************************************

    There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

    "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

    "Yep," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

    "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say... should we get naked?"

    Sure enough, the two stripped down to the buff and sat down at the table.

    "You know, honey," the little old lady replied breathlessly, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

    "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
    *********************************************************

    It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

    "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

    The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

    "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."
    *********************************************************

    Have a good day, all.

    Regards
    Syxx
     
  2. KnightFall

    KnightFall IncGamers Member

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    :clap: Very funny... :) :p :)

    I'll add a few...

    A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
    “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “ONE PENNY!” exclaims the guy.
    The barman replies, “Yes.”
    So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?”
    “Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
    “How much money?” inquires the guy “4 PENCE”, he replies.
    “FOUR PENCE!” exclaims the man. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
    The barman replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
    The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
    The bartender replies, “Same as I’m doing to his business.”

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Jack was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her crying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
    “My darling Becky,” he whispered.
    “Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.”
    He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something I must confess to you.”
    “There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky. “Everything’s all right, go to sleep.”
    “No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!”
    “I know,” Becky whispered softly. “That’s why I poisoned you.”

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveles with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.
    As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended).
    He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.
    The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more exicited making noises that would wake the dead.
    Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says...
    This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and he starts doing flips.
    Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

    "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."

    KnightFall
     
  3. itsPizzarific

    itsPizzarific Banned

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    lol thanks, these woke me up

    i especially liked the stanley cup one from syxx, and the 2nd one from knight's
     
  4. Syxx

    Syxx IncGamers Member

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    A few more to keep the ball rollling ....

    Bubba didn't know what the sign in the store window meant when he concocted an idea.

    The sign said "Suits $5.00 each, Shirts $2.00 each, Trousers $2.50 per pair".

    Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Ray, Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to Arkansas, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all the talking cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best Texas drawl."

    They go in and Bubba says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my pickup and ......"

    The owner of the shop interrupts, "You're from Arkansas, aren't you?"

    "Well...yes," says a surprised Bubba. "How come you know that?"

    The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
    *********************************************************

    There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left." The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?" "Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you sh*t on its head.
    *********************************************************

    A man is out driving happily along in his car late one Saturday night. Before too long, the cops pull him over. The policeman walks up to the man and asks, “Have you been drinking, sir?â€

    “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?†the man answered.

    “No,†replied the policeman, “you were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away.â€
    *********************************************************

    A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit
    unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval.

    The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered.

    The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try" she said, "but only if you'll promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle"
    *********************************************************

    Ok ... I really need to get back to work.

    Regards
    Syxx
     
  5. g00tch

    g00tch IncGamers Member

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    Good times. It's always nice to have something to laugh at when you're bored at work. Thanks guys! :clap:
     
  6. Garbad_the_Weak

    Garbad_the_Weak IncGamers Member

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    Nice stuff.

    Garbad
     
  7. AeroJonesy

    AeroJonesy IncGamers Member

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    Great stuff, Syxx, and KnightFall! I really liked the gorilla joke.
     
  8. blu3l1ghtn1ng

    blu3l1ghtn1ng IncGamers Member

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    A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

    Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.â€

    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab."Sorry I took so long, “he says as they drive away.. “Stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!â€


    ***

    Got that one off a site I visit, made me laugh lots.
     
  9. KnightFall

    KnightFall IncGamers Member

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    Here's a few more before I go home.

    An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. How many children?" asks the council worker.
    "10", she says.
    "10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
    "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne".
    "Doesn't that get confusing?"
    "Naah..." says the Essex girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAAAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAAAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
    "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

    "That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

    Dearest Wife,
    Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

    Your Loving Husband.
    P.S. Sure is hot down here.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
    Man: I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.
    Priest: Are you sorry for your sins?
    Man: What sins?
    Priest: What kind of a Catholic are you?
    Man: I’m Jewish
    Priest: Why are you telling me all this?
    Man: I’m telling everybody.
    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Sad News About Beer.
    You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable.
    Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period.

    It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating and refused to apologise when wrong.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------------
    I have millions of these on disc that I've saved up over the years from e-mails that go round work/friends so I'll probably pick out some more tomorrow.

    Laters,
    KnightFall
     
  10. Freemason

    Freemason Banned

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    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said,"You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
    The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.
    Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says............
    .........."HEBREWS"
     
  11. bustme

    bustme IncGamers Member

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    I don't get the gorilla joke.... :(
     
  12. raffster

    raffster IncGamers Member

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    Child: Mom I saw daddy in the bathroom last night and he has a big snake connected to him -- it was very scary!
    Mom: Don't worry, dear child, Mom sits on that snake everyday so it stays inside a special cave that Mommy has. Mom is very brave.
    Child: You're not that brave, Mom.
    Mom: Huh, why is that?
    Child: Well, you sit on dad's snake so it enters your cave. I saw my nanny sucking dad's snake before you woke up this morning.
     
  13. Ev_

    Ev_ IncGamers Member

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    Everyone who has a dog calls his pet "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine 'Sex'.

    Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

    Then I said, "But this is a dog." He replied that he didn't care what she looked like.

    Then I said, "You don't understand: I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

    When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. The hotel clerk said that every room in the place was for sex.

    I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."

    The clerk said, "Me too."

    One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, my dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there, looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets.

    "But you don't understand," I said. "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

    When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

    I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."

    The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me."

    He said, "Me too."

    Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?"

    I said, "I am looking for Sex."

    My case comes up on Friday.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

    Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles.

    At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

    The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

    "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
    ------------------------------------------------------------------
    Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage,
    hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it.
    Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb
    towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray
    all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a while,
    another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the
    other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when
    another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys
    will try to prevent it.

    Now, put away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage
    and replace it with a new one. The new monkey sees the banana
    and wants to climb the stairs. To his surprise and horror, all
    of the other monkeys attack him. After another attempt and
    attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will
    be assaulted.

    Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace
    it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is
    attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment
    with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third original monkey
    with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth.

    Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is
    attacked. Most of the monkeys that are beating him have no
    idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs or why
    they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

    After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the
    remaining monkeys have ever been sprayed with cold water.
    Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to
    try for the banana.

    Why not?

    Because as far as they know that's the way it's always been
    done around here.

    And that, my friends, is how company policy begins.
     
  14. raffster

    raffster IncGamers Member

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    Our company policy is: If it doesn't work, blame the computer guy. Guess who that computer guy is. :confused:
     
  15. Eff

    Eff Banned

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    Two blondes are sitting at bar watching the 6 o'clock news on TV. On the television, a man is standing on top of a 20 story building, screaming that he is about to jump. One blonde says to the other, "I'll bet you five dollars he doesn't jump." The other agrees, and the two both put five dollars down on the counter.
    Sure enough, the man jumps to his death seconds later. The blonde who bet on his suicide collected the money and asked the other, "So why did you think he wasn't going to jump?". The other replies, "Well, I watched him do it on the news this morning, and i didn't think he would try it again!"

    ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

    What do you call two lesbian dinosaurs?

    Lickalottapuss
     
  16. Necrolestes

    Necrolestes IncGamers Member

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    I never copped a feel!

    A man and his son were having a religious discussion about God...

    Son: "Daddy, what does God look like? Is he black or white?"
    Father: "Well, son, God is not black and He is not white."
    Son: "Is God a man or a woman, Daddy?"
    Father: "God is neither male nor female."
    Son: "Let me get this straight. God is not black, and He is not white. God is neither male nor female."
    Father: "That's right."
    Son: "Then is God Michael Jackson?"
     
  17. Beowulf

    Beowulf IncGamers Member

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    I didn't notice this thread when I started mine so if Freet wants to close the other one go right ahead and I'll post the joke in here

    It is with heavy heart that we must pass on the following news.
    Please join us in remembering a great icon of the Entertainment community.

    The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, and Betty Crocker.

    The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

    Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven.

    He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
     
  18. Nastie_Bowie

    Nastie_Bowie Banned

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    Refreshing change, OTFers!

    More! .... More!

    ;)
     
  19. TurbulentTurtle

    TurbulentTurtle IncGamers Member

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    All these jokes are awesomely hilarious, maybe we should sticky this and have a permanent joke thread...
     
  20. g00tch

    g00tch IncGamers Member

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    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

    "My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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    In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

    Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

    The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

    Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

    "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"

    To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"
     

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