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So Freet convinced me to make that topic. Its real serious problem for me.

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Lazer LXXVII, Nov 10, 2006.

  1. Lazer LXXVII

    Lazer LXXVII IncGamers Member

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    So Freet convinced me to make that topic. Its real serious problem for me.

    Im 18, going to college, but still living at home for the first semester or the first year just to settle into college, and i dont live far away from the campus so i just drive back and forth. I was born in another country, and i was raised with different cultural values, and i was raised to respect my family in every way that i can and they should be the most valuable thing i will ever get in my life.

    Well when my parents moved here i was 3 or 4 years old, we didnt have much money at all so they could barely afford to take care of one kid. Now about 15 (give or take) years later, my parents made a nice life for themselves, two story house, a car for them and a car for me, and im still an only child. The rest of my family either lives back home or about 15 hours across for me (via car) in the United States, so the only family im close to is my mom and my dad. I never had a brother or a sister, i was raised with one of my cousins for the first 3 or 4 years, but i will never be able to see him again because he is in a really strict drug rehab problem, he made some mistakes dealing with drugs, and now he is schizophrenic and i doubt ill be able to see him ever again. My dad has discovered not too long ago that he needs to get an operation on the bones in his legs, there is a slim chance he will never be able to walk again (very slim), but one way or another he wont be able to walk for about 2-3 months. That stressed my family a bit.

    Now today my family doctor called my house in the evening, past her business hours actually, and talked to my mom. She got really upset after the call, i didnt want to ask her whats wrong so she doesnt get too upset explaining it to me. I talked to my dad, apparently my doctor wants my mom to come in again for cancer testings. I think about two years ago she was tested for cancer, everything turned out okay. Then a month or so later i was tested for cancer, everything turned out okay. Then i was tested for radiation prescence because of the whole Chernobyl thing (which im guessing is my doctor's reasoning for all the testing between my mom and i), and that turned out okay too. Now she is calling my mom in again for the cancer testing. I just have a gut feeling that as nice of a lady as my doctor is, is that she is full of ****, she makes pretty blind assumptions that arent just a common cold, blind assumptions about ****ing radiation poisoning and cancer.

    I know that nothing happened yet, and im probably just fearing for the worst. But i just cant imagine a life with my parents both being so young, and losing one of them, i mean the whole culture thing makes me kind of feel like they are the only people that honestly care about me, and are the only people i am living for. I have tons of acquantainces, i was a decently popular guy in high school, i have a few true friends, and i have a girlfriend. I just cant bring myself to discussing any of this with anyone because im always seen as a really happy guy, always a smile on my face, always cracking jokes. So whenever something comes up i have to bottle it inside because i want that image, and i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me or try to pamper me to get my mind off of things. But i lost my "brother" and i probably wont see him again, my dad takes lots of pain medication for his legs, and now possibly my mom having cancer. Im just losing all the people i care about and at this age i just cant handle it. I know im probably fearing for the worst, but i just dont know. If the test ends up positive, i have no idea what ill do. The only reason i WANT to succeed is for the two people who care about me, so i go to college. I lost nights upon nights of sleep over my cousin (and this was 7 years ago, and i still lose sleep over it), then the problem with my dad made me lose nights of sleep, and now this...ill be up for awhile.

    I know its more of a rant, i just need comforting or whatever. Just please take this seriously.
     
  2. Freet

    Freet IncGamers Member

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    Well folks, you actually got a second chance here so don't screw it up.

    I will be watching this thread closely and will not take kindly to less than kind responses.

    Edit: Lazer, thank you for hearing me out. I hope we can at least give you a something in return.
     
  3. wuffnuff

    wuffnuff IncGamers Member

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    At any age it is hard losing those close to you, especially if you have a close family circle. It is natural to be worried under the circumstances, though try to stay positive if you can.

    I recently lost my father due to unexpected heart complications. He and I had a strained relationship most of my childhood and teenage years. I was lucky enough to had the time to set that aside and be close to him before he went.

    All I can say is spend time with them, show them the love they gave you. I don't think anyone handles death of loved ones well, maybe you should seek out private therapy if you wish to keep others at a distance.

    It is a hard emotional place to be and really no words ease the anguish. I do hope you and your parents will all be well.
     
  4. Stoutwood

    Stoutwood IncGamers Member

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    As a guy with more cancer in my family than you would believe, I say listen to your doctor. It's better to be overcautious than to have them miss it.
     
  5. Corneo

    Corneo IncGamers Member

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    Go to the counseling center. I'm sure your school provides one or could refer you to one.
     
  6. rare

    rare IncGamers Member

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    Show them you love them. Spend time with them. Laugh and cry with them.

    I can definitely understand that you feel that you only live for your parents, that they are the ones that have taken care of you, loved you, and watched you grow throughout your entire life. But remember that after they are gone physically, you will still have inside you everything they taught you.

    Remember their advice, their hugs, their hard-work to get you to where you are today.

    Please remember that their memories will last as long as you want them to. Remind yourself everyday, no matter what happens, that your parents Will love you. Feel PROUD that you have such loving parents, feel HAPPY that you were able to establish such a Strong relationship with them. Feel Satisfied that they have given you their all, 1000% of their efforts.

    Being the happy, funny guy is indeed very difficult -- You dont want anyone to know what you are going through. Something similar has (is) happening to me, and I now believe that Feeling is something we should all have. We all have to break down at some moment, and every single one of us will need help at some point.

    I 100% respect your choice if you simply wish to read replies about the topic. But I personally think it is more comforting to have someone close to you listening to you, looking into your eyes, and just ... being there.

    Stay strong; that unbelieveable crushing, depressing, agonizing feeling is one that a whole lot of people go through.

    It is up to you, not your parents nor friends nor girlfriend, to decide where you want to go.

    "It does not matter where you are, but where you want to be."

    PS: sorry if it sounds a bit "broken up" but I am rather tired and this may not flow or be 100% coherent.
     
  7. PatMaGroin

    PatMaGroin IncGamers Member

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    I kind of know where you're coming from, but not quite to the same extent.

    I am also an only child, lived with both of my parents, in my second year of college while living at home. The only family I have thats my age is about 4 hours away, which isn't too incredibly much.

    Last year my parents were divorced, I now live with my mother, but am still very close to my father, probably moreso than with my mother.

    My father has always worked outside, mainly highway construction. As a result of that, he sees quite a bit of the sun. The last couple years, he's had a bit of skin cancer clipped off his ears, and has found more around his neck and face. Nothing serious has come of any of it yet, but there's a very good chance that it is/could get worse, as he continues to work outside (he's 53 years young, and a ways off from retirement).

    My mother, on the other hand, is starting to take after her mother. My grandmother is one of those who eats her weight in pills everyday. She had a blood clot in her lung a couple years ago, and she's had a tremor (shakes) for years, which my mother also has. My mother has had a few other health problems, but nothing as serious as my dad or your parents face. But there's still the possibility, which is unnerving.

    The only thing I've found to do is to do whatever you can to prevent anything bad from happening, but don't dwell on it. Worrying solves no problems, so I just go about my life as if nothing was wrong, and everything works out fine (until something goes wrong, of course). Nothing will come from dwelling on potential problems, but you should take all the precautions you can.

    So really the only advice I have to offer is to live your life as if nothing's wrong, until something really is, and even then, don't let it bring your life to a screeching halt. You say you have some true friends and a girlfriend, which is more than some can say. Its human nature to worry, and considering all the possible outcomes is always a smart idea, but like I said, dont dwell on something that you can't fix.

    One thing that stuck out to me, though, was that you were afraid to bring this up with anyone in real life, because of your attitude and disposition. Don't be. If you have one or two real good friends where you can discuss things like this, then by all means, go for it. And from what I've seen, girlfriends are always trying to get us to talk, whether we want to or not. Venting usually helps calm me down when I'm pissed off, and it helps to level me out when I'm feeling a little down about something. If the people around you know how you feel about these things, they might take it upon themselves to take your mind off of it. You don't have to keep up the invincible happy-go-lucky appearance all the time, as I learned a couple years ago.

    Well this got a little longer than I expected. But I, for one, am glad you shared. I wish good luck and good health to you and yours, and feel free to keep us updated.
     
  8. Dondrei

    Dondrei IncGamers Member

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    All I can say is good luck. And remember that even if she is diagnosed with cancer, it isn't necessarily a death sentence.
     
  9. Syxx

    Syxx IncGamers Member

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    Hi Lazer,

    Keeping important stuff like what is currently going around your head, burried inside, is not healthy. You need to talk about it with people you trust and care for you.

    You say you have true friends, and a girlfriend. Use them. That's what real mates are for. They probably can't offer any concrete solutions to your worries, but sharing your worries can make them seem less scary.

    Good luck to you.

    Regards
    Syxx



     
  10. Dawnmaster

    Dawnmaster IncGamers Member

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    => What he said + a small add:

    Some doctors don't care much for their patients, only for the money, so you also might want to consult a doctor you know/trust, and some others as well (in my family, we've had several doctors holding back on test results, just to see how the cancer would evolve, since my grandfather has a unique form of it)

    Then again, I live in Belgium, which is pretty corrupt on a lot of planes, I have no idea if American doctors are more caring for their patients.
    But if you are suspicious, don't hesitate to take it to another doctor.



     
  11. Pitboss_2000

    Pitboss_2000 IncGamers Member

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    I checked your MySpace, and as far as I fan tell you were born in the north east of Poland, right? That's pretty far away from the Ukrain, where Chernobyl is/was, and you were born two years after the Chernobyl disaster, so I strongly doubt that Chernobyl could have led to radiation presence on you. Unless your parents lived in the Ukrain by the time you were born, in which case you shouldn not pay attention to anything I say (a useful advise for most people, anyway)

    Hhhmm... I think you should definitely talk about this with your REAL friends. Bottling things up usually doesn't lead to anything good, and in my experience will only cause you to start seeing things that aren't there, or give you a distorted view on the matter. Also, your friends should be willing to listen to your problems, and if possible help you out, or give you the support you probably need. I wouldn't worry about the 'happy' image if I were you, since this a real problem, and something that's important to tell you and your friends should be able to understand that. If one of my good friends had something like this in his life, and he would not talk about it the first thing I'd say if I found out would be "Dude, why didn't you talk about this?".

    Besides that, I never trust people who are always happy, and don't seem to be bothered by anything, ever. And do you want to be seen as the 'happy guy' or the 'shallow guy'? ;)

    Good luck with the situation!
    PB2K
     
  12. RevenantsKnight

    RevenantsKnight IncGamers Member

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    I guess this might be beating a dead horse after what's been said already, but I would definitely try talking about this with one or two of your friends. I haven't ever been in a situation quite like yours, but I do know for sure that talking about some depressing times with people then certainly made me feel a lot better afterwards. And I would strongly suggest that you do this face to face with someone. Forums aren't bad for talking things over, sometimes, but they're nothing like the real thing.

    Good luck, and stay strong.
     
  13. Yossarian

    Yossarian IncGamers Member

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    That's what they are there for. In fact it might even hurt their feeling if they think you can't confide in them. True friends will never pitty you but will help you in a time of need. Don't let your pride or ego stop you from helping yourself. You're young and it's a hard thing to do. But being vulnerable is being human and you might find out that you are closer to those people afterwards than before.

    Plus until u know for sure try not to sweat it. Nothing you can do. Good Luck
     
  14. Lazer LXXVII

    Lazer LXXVII IncGamers Member

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    Thanks guys for everything so far, seriously it meas alot to me.

    But as far as talking to my friends about this, i just honestly cant. I nearly died in a car accident this past February and spent a bit in the hospital, that was the one time i couldnt hide any of that, i was in so much physical and emotional pain it was impossible to hide it. The reason im not sharing this now is because i hate getting that special attention, i hate being treated more nicely than other people because theres something wrong.

    And yeah i realize this doesnt mean everything is done for if she is diagnosed with it, but its just going to shave years off her live. Hell, some people fight cancer until they die and end up living a full life, but the odds of someone dying at a much younger age is higher. This doctor has been my family doctor (well, my mother and i, my dad sees someone else) since i was maybe 9 years old, she has always seemed good, but i just have a gut feeling theres something fishy about this. I mean my mom was tested for cancer for the Chernobyl thing 2 years ago, then i was tested for it, then i was tested for radiation poisoning. All of those turned out negative, and she never had any real logic behind the testing. Her offices close at 5:00, yesterday she called at around 7:00, something is strange. I dont want to accuse until the results come back, which hell, could be another week or two... I just find that two people on this earth REALLY care about me, not that i dont trust the others, but only two of them have the unconditional care, whereas i always thought certain friends would be there for me and they end up changing because of something.

    And for the Chernobyl thing, yeah i was born in northeastern Poland, then i lived there for 3 years, and then moved to Warsaw for a few months and finally moved to the US. The radiation from Chernobyl covered pretty much all of Europe, and it was present in Poland for a good bit. Two years before i was born.

    http://www.ki4u.com/chernobyl.gif
     
  15. Cannon Fodder

    Cannon Fodder IncGamers Member

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    I offer you my empathy. I think all of us, once we reach a certain age, have to deal with the idea of losing a parent. Luckily, most of us have only the idea to contend with for many years, and not the reality. As I understand it this is still true for you, though the idea has been brought a little closer to home than any of us would like. Accepting that our parents are in fact human, and that we will (hopefully) have to suffer through their loss is certainly not an easy thing to do. (Perhaps I should clarify that 'hopefully'- I believe strongly that no parent should ever have to experience the death of a child. Granted, not a reality, but something to hope for certainly.) The very best thing, and one of the few, that you can do to make a parent's passing easier, is to allow them to be proud of their child and the success they have made of parenthood. It seems that you have done just that thus far. Keep that as your goal- that if one of them should die, they can die at peace knowing you will go on and be successful without them. The worrying and the melancholy serve only to sour the time you spend with them- every hour of sleep lost is energy that could have been put toward better use with them. You can only deal with a problem productively if it is actually a problem, and not just a worry.

    I think that you need to realize that while your parents may be the only people who care for you unconditionally, that does not mean that other people don't care about you equally. Unconditional love is a wonderful thing, but not something that I would want from everyone. Just as the bond between parent and child is special, so is the bond between people who have worked hard to forge a relationship/friendship and have suffered in that effort. You would do well to better appreciate this type of caring.

    I can't help noticing that you discount yourself. How can your parents be the only people you are living for? You can't live for someone else unless you live for yourself. I can't imagine a parent (aside from the dysfunctional and deranged) who wouldn't want a child to seek their own happiness. Making your parents proud is an admirable goal, but it is first and foremost yourself who you must live for. I can think of cultures where children are taught that the happiness or prosperity of the family as a whole comes before that of the individual, and this may be the case with your family. I personally disagree with that sentiment, so read my advice with that in mind. This isn't the thread to argue that topic.

    I think that the reason people have gravitated towards this part of your situation so much is that it is the area we are most likely to be able to help you with. We can hardly prevent bad things from happening to your parents, and telling you not to worry only goes so far. However, if we can convince you to open up to those close to you, I think we can do some actual good for you as a person.

    You've put yourself in a bit of a vicious cycle. You act happy all the time as if nothing bothers you. As a result, people see you as strong. Because of this, if they see you break down or show weakness they naturally assume that whatever caused it is a very serious problem. Since they care about you, they want you to know that they are there to help and to comfort. Sympathy is the only way many people know of showing someone that they care about them and want to support them. They are helping you in the only way they think they can and you see it as pity because they are acting differently towards you. You think they are pitying you because they now see you as weak, and resolve to be stronger and not to open up again. So, you put on even more of a happy face and nothng ever gets resolved. Plus, if you do break down again it ends up seeming like an even more serious problem, deserving of even more help/sympathy. You need to break out of this cycle.

    A true friend will not pity you, but will feel compassion for you. You have to put your pride aside before you can tell whether they are pitying you or honestly trying to help. Remember too that if you have never opened up to them before they have no way of knowing what type of consolation you need. A good first step would be to tell them. There is nothing wrong with saying "I really need to talk to you about this, but I don't want to discuss it right now. Could I talk and you just listen?" Either that or ask them to think about it and try to offer you some advice. Your example with the car accident is a poor one in this case. Your friends had to deal with the thought of losing you, and seeing you injured on top of that. It's a pretty upsetting thing. I've had very close friends both injured and killed in car accidents before, and seeing your friend in a hospital bed is a very different situation than having them come to you for some advice or a kind ear.

    Another thing to remember is that since you don't talk to them, you have a lot bottled up. Releasing that all at once isn't an easy thing for a friend to take in, especially when they don't expect it from you. Allow them to see that you are human and that you have problems they can help you with, and they will become equipped to deal with that.

    I guess my final word on this is that some people like special attention when they are having tough times, and some do not. Tell your friends how they can help you, and if they are true friends they will do their best to. Until you start opening up to them, don't call them true friends. They may want to be that to you, but they aren't until you let them- and a friend who doesn't really know you or what's going on in your life isn't much of a friend at all.


    Oh, one more thing. Don't be too afraid to talk to your parents about this. I understand that you don't want to burden them, but trust me that it can help all 3 of you to share your concerns. It is similar to the comfort people find in sharing their mourning with each other when someone dies. Bad analogy to bring up I know, but shared pain tends to lessen and not to add.



     
  16. Thelioness

    Thelioness IncGamers Member

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    I am sorry you are going through this alone, even if it is your choice. First off, I would encourage your mother to seek a second opinion of a specialist. Family doctors are great, but if there is a real serious problem you need someone that specializes in that kind of treatment.

    Even if you don't want to share your concerns with those in your life, you still need to vent your feelings. I would encourage you to continue writing out your feelings, either online or on paper. You may also want to take up some physical exercise to burn off some of the negative energy that may be building up.

    Third, openning up to people you can trust, allows them to open up to you. If one of your friends was going though something like this, would you want them to share it with you? or would you expect them to bottle it up inside as well?

    I wish you and your family well.
     
  17. caddad

    caddad IncGamers Member

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    I don't want to re-itterate what's already been said, but I do want to make one point.

    You and your parents are obviously close and have dealt with adversity before. I would just suggest you approach them with your concerns and your desire to help them out in whatever way you can. Tell them you are scared from not knowing but you are ready to be strong and help fight whatever is coming and tell them that if they shield you from their problems you will only be more worried out of not knowing and not being able to help.

    I think once you get that out in the open with your parents and get into the "we're going to cure whatever ails us" mindset as a team, it will be much easier to deal and talk with your friends about without worrying about pity.

    This is what I would do with my parents since we are also close.

    -D2netDad
     
  18. AeroJonesy

    AeroJonesy IncGamers Member

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    If you're into the whole anyonmity thing, maybe you can find some people at college to talk to. Now I don't know what kind of school you are at, but many colleges offer support for all sorts of things. Maybe you can find a student group with people from your country, or maybe you can find some sort of emotional support group.

    As for telling your friends, just say "if you dare and try to treat me differently because you feel sorry for me [insert threat here]," and be just serious enough so they know that you mean it. Even if you don't cover serious issues with your friends that often, I'd bet they'd be willing to listen. I know I don't really talk about that much serious stuff with my friends because 1) I try to keep my problems private and 2) I don't want to burden them, but when something is really bugging me I go to my friends because I know they'll be there for me. And the more stuff you go through with your friends, the closer you get, and the easier it is to go through the harder stuff again.
     
  19. Sir EvilFreeSmeg

    Sir EvilFreeSmeg Banned

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    Have you tried talking to an old priest? Somebody that's seen it all and has helped hundreds if not thousands of people through their problems.
     
  20. TonoTheHero

    TonoTheHero IncGamers Member

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    Don't bottle stuff up. Eventually you might find yourself locked out from the keys.
     

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