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Six Line, Non Rhyme. Hope you never feel like this.

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Cooked, Sep 8, 2006.

  1. Cooked

    Cooked IncGamers Member

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    Six Line, Non Rhyme. Hope you never feel like this.

    A ghost, a stranger in a familiar land, I walk among those I know and remain unseen. Unbidden in your life, unwelcome in your thoughts, I breathe and live as a wraith; you say my name and talk with me yet I am forgotten as your last words are spoken. As ethereal as a forgotten dream I drift away from your mind each time we meet. Hello my friend, goodbye. What was that you said? What was that you were feeling? Sorry, gotta take this call.



    NOTE: Please do not call these words your own even though I may never know.
     
  2. CallMeTheSpelunker

    CallMeTheSpelunker IncGamers Member

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  3. The Last Melon

    The Last Melon IncGamers Member

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    This is...slightly odd. I'd expect it to be put into couplets, not prose, but it doesn't detract from it much. The "sorry, gotta take this call" caught me off-guard, and I still haven't decided whether it adds to the piece or detracts from it.

    I would assume that you're going through something important in your life right now that's being channelled through this piece, and I hope you come through it fine.
     
  4. Cooked

    Cooked IncGamers Member

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    Much good writing comes from experience, the best while living whatever it is one is writing about. Unfortunately I am Not a writer. I hardly know the difference between couplets and prose, as you can clearly see. I will post another, even more disjointed verse, or whatever you call it, soon.

    Thank you both for your comments.
     
  5. The Last Melon

    The Last Melon IncGamers Member

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    I'm not saying that it should be in couplets or prose, just that the prose was slightly unexpected. I look forward to your next piece.
     
  6. Floral

    Floral IncGamers Member

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    Hi, ive been lurking around here reading, never really posting, but just noticed this one and it made me want to. So here goes:

    Like it alot, mostly because the feeling comes through very clear to me.

    For the mostpart it seems like a love-poem of a sort, but the very first line is different. It appears to imply that there is an issue with the "I" receiving (love, attention, ect) rather then the "You" giving. Ofc one does not have to rule the other one out, i kind of like it that way in fact. Just thought id mention it.

    Also agree there might be a slight problem with the last line. But i understand the need to add something of weight/significance at the end (big fan of that myself ^^ and i think you pulled it off with a gold star in your more recent thread). - .. It might just be this word: "Sorry, GOTTA take this call." Isnt there some way of saying the same thing still using the kind of language you do inte the rest of the verse?

    Ok, know this was posted quite some time ago, but still .. Hope you havent abandoned this one - its good me thinks ^^
     
  7. Kotooshu

    Kotooshu IncGamers Member

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    Its the very last afterthought that caught my attention... many of us "steal" other people's ideas and pass them off as our own every day. Perhaps we do it unwittingly, perhaps "innocently", meaning no harm... but we DO do it, and we should occasionaly stop and think about it.
     

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