Should I pursue or move on with my life?

raffster

Diabloii.Net Member
Should I pursue or move on with my life?

I wrote my wife an email last night telling her that she should start reflecting on our current marital crisis so that we can both figure out if we should continue together or not. Here is her response:

dear raffy,

i need to finish my pharmacy license because that's my security blanket -- i never felt secure with you and i guess i have no one to rely on but myself (as you always rubbed it on my face)

sorry if i'm sending you the wrong vibration about loving you, i tend to cry when we're together because i feel a sense of loss not hope. most of my trauma came from you and it will take longer than march for me to heal if that's possible at all. i may laugh sometimes when i'm with you because you're weird.

please move on with your life, you may stop calling me or seeing me. you don't need to come back to the apartment this weekend to dismantle the computer or for any of your things. i will ship them to you. just give me your queens address.

i am not exactly at my happiest being right now but i am definitely better off now than i was with you. you killed all my hopes. you killed my spirit.


cindy


She portrays me as though I was a jobless junkie drunkard wife beater while we were still together. *sigh* Maybe she was better off with one, who knows? I thought I was already making strides trying to win her back, slowly but surely. I have not played any games for 9 months now, shown incredible potential living by myself, managed my finances very well, etc. etc. But she can't see beyond the "evil" me. *deep sigh*

Right now I feel like I've just been run down by a bulldozer. I need to get on my knees and plug back to the Source.
 

Freet

Diabloii.Net Member
Let me preface this 'advice' by saying I am making many assumptions based on very little evidence. So please take this into consideration when reading the following.

To be honest Raffy, sounds to me like the changes you made were too little, too late.

I would suggest that you do exactly as she said and let her go on with her life. She obviously isn't interested in making another attempt with you so I see little need to continue with your futile attempts to make things right.

I know this sounds harsh but let's face it, you need to move on. But if you insist on trying to get her back then give her time to heal. While she is healing you might provide her with tid-bits of proof that you have commited to making the changes necessary to make things work between you two. If she is interested she will eventually allow you back into her life.

Just remember Raffy, if the shoe were on the other foot you might have a completely different perspective.
 

Talga Vasternich

Diabloii.Net Member
Freet said it very well and I would not change anything he said, nor would I add to it.
I'm adding this reply to help reinforce what he said and to show that there is someone else who shares that opinion.
 

PFS

Diabloii.Net Member
Freet said it very well and I would not change anything he said, nor would I add to it.
I'm adding this reply to help reinforce what he said and to show that there is someone else who shares that opinion.
Ditto.

Except - don't give up on the changes you have made and are making, when you meet someone new you will be a better person and not make the same mistakes.



 

Yaboosh

Diabloii.Net Member
Did she really say

i may laugh sometimes when i'm with you because you're weird.


I mean seriously, who says that? It isn't that it is mean, it is just that it is such a strange (and almost idiotic) thing to say. And what is with the lack of capitalization?

What you need to do is think back and evaluate yourself when you were with her and figure out what should be changed FOR YOU, and what you think was just fine the way it was. Screw her for trying to be such a manipulative person and get back to living for you and doing what you think is best. You sound better off to me (in the long run anyway).
 

Thelioness

Diabloii.Net Member
I too agree with Freet.

You still seem to be down playing the hurt that you have caused her.
She portrays me as though I was a jobless junkie drunkard wife beater ...
You don't have to hit someone to hurt them. Words and actions can leave emotional scars that may last a lifetime.

I would say more, but it would be too harsh, and I think everyone else has made good points.
 

bg1256

Diabloii.Net Member
Let me preface this 'advice' by saying I am making many assumptions based on very little evidence. So please take this into consideration when reading the following.
I echo Freet's sentiments.

I don't know all the details, but I've read most of what you've posted here. But, based on this letter alone, it sounds like it's time to move on, as hard as that may be. I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose my girlfriend of two years, let alone my wife, but given the way she has responded to you in this letter, I'd say it is time to let her go.



 

PatMaGroin

Diabloii.Net Member
What Freet said, and I'll add this.

I think it would be a good thing for you to stop communication with her completely. Everytime you see her or speak with her, it's gonna bring it all back, and you'll be back where you were.

You need to follow her example and move on.
 

jimmyboy

Diabloii.Net Member
I wrote my wife an email last night telling her that she should start reflecting on our current marital crisis so that we can both figure out if we should continue together or not. Here is her response:

dear raffy,

i need to finish my pharmacy license because that's my security blanket -- i never felt secure with you and i guess i have no one to rely on but myself (as you always rubbed it on my face)

sorry if i'm sending you the wrong vibration about loving you, i tend to cry when we're together because i feel a sense of loss not hope. most of my trauma came from you and it will take longer than march for me to heal if that's possible at all. i may laugh sometimes when i'm with you because you're weird.

please move on with your life, you may stop calling me or seeing me. you don't need to come back to the apartment this weekend to dismantle the computer or for any of your things. i will ship them to you. just give me your queens address.

i am not exactly at my happiest being right now but i am definitely better off now than i was with you. you killed all my hopes. you killed my spirit.


cindy


She portrays me as though I was a jobless junkie drunkard wife beater while we were still together. *sigh* Maybe she was better off with one, who knows? I thought I was already making strides trying to win her back, slowly but surely. I have not played any games for 9 months now, shown incredible potential living by myself, managed my finances very well, etc. etc. But she can't see beyond the "evil" me. *deep sigh*

Right now I feel like I've just been run down by a bulldozer. I need to get on my knees and plug back to the Source.
I think it's time to love someone else Raffy. The ex doesn't deserve it for now.

Who knows, life is funny. You two may hook up in 10 years. But for now, find a new love. Life is short. Don't waste the best years of your life chasing a ghost.

A simple good-bye letter will do. Just tell her you're sorry that you weren't able to love her better. No other words needed. Then put all her stuff in the trashcan, and maybe a new start in a new city.



 

raffster

Diabloii.Net Member
I think it's time to love someone else Raffy. The ex doesn't deserve it for now.

Who knows, life is funny. You two may hook up in 10 years. But for now, find a new love. Life is short. Don't waste the best years of your life chasing a ghost.

A simple good-bye letter will do. Just tell her you're sorry that you weren't able to love her better. No other words needed. Then put all her stuff in the trashcan, and maybe a new start in a new city.
I just spoke with her on the phone for a little over an hour. *staring into empty space*

I can't believe she's not giving me/our marriage another chance. Nothing I say or do will convince her otherwise.

I feel like breaking down but I'm closer to feeling numb.

I think I'm taking the rest of the day off. I need to get this off my chest or I'll end up breaking down here at work. (not very professional)



 

Gertlex

Banned
I just spoke with her on the phone for a little over an hour. *staring into empty space*

I can't believe she's not giving me/our marriage another chance. Nothing I say or do will convince her otherwise.

I feel like breaking down but I'm closer to feeling numb.

I think I'm taking the rest of the day off. I need to get this off my chest or I'll end up breaking down here at work. (not very professional)
I don't think anything anyone here said had any effect.

And I'm with the crowd on this.



 

raffster

Diabloii.Net Member
I don't think anything anyone here said had any effect.

And I'm with the crowd on this.

I read the responses only after I got off the phone with her. What Freet said has been the best advice anyone has given in the longest time. I will just have to find a way to survive today. I never thought it would come down to this. I was foolish, stupid, naive and selfish to have realized otherwise.



 

Gertlex

Banned
I read the responses only after I got off the phone with her. What Freet said has been the best advice anyone has given in the longest time. I will just have to find a way to survive today. I never thought it would come down to this. I was foolish, stupid, naive and selfish to have realized otherwise.
My bad. Glad you've been able to see various other reasonings.



 

raffster

Diabloii.Net Member
My bad. Glad you've been able to see various other reasonings.
What sucks most in my life is that I don't have many "Freets", if at all any, who will dare kick my arse in the right direction when I'm going the wrong way.

During the peak of my marital turbulence my father would say "Relax, take it easy" when the truth is he should have yelled at me "Get your freaking act together you nitwit."

I had to learn from life itself, and once again, experience is indeed the best teacher.

I'm going to a nearby church and get this off my chest before I explode.



 

SmittySixTen

Diabloii.Net Member
What sucks most in my life is that I don't have many "Freets", if at all any, who will dare kick my arse in the right direction when I'm going the wrong way.

During the peak of my marital turbulence my father would say "Relax, take it easy" when the truth is he should have yelled at me "Get your freaking act together you nitwit."
I don't mean to sound insensitive, and keep in mind that the only information I have to base my response on is contained in this thread, but those two paragraphs kind of bother me.

First, if you knew something was wrong with your relationship, to the point that you'd speak with your father about it, you should have been speaking to your wife about it instead. If you were speaking to her, did what she asked, and it still did not solve the problems, then the marriage wasn't going to make it period. If you didn't listen to what she was saying, or didn't talk to her, then it has nothing to do with not having someone to give you the right advice.

It shouldn't take someone else to read the writing on the wall to you. :(

Anyway, on a more positive note, if you're happy with the changes you've made in your life then try and see this as just a way of maturing as a person. If you're unhappy with the ways you've changed, then you changed for the wrong reason and are now free to be the person you want.

A friend of mine recently broke up with his girlfriend of three years. The major, major problem in their relationship is that they tried to use change as a commodity. Basically, he'd ask her to change for him, and in return she'd demand he change for her (it went both ways). It's simply unhealthy to outright try and change who you are purely for someone else. If you're going to change, it needs to be because you want to and you are ready to. If you changed merely to appease her, and not because you honestly did not like who you were, then it would have ended this way anyway. But again, if you changed because you sincerely wanted to be someone different, coupled with wanting to make her happier, and she was unresponsive to the change, then you did all you could. Either way, you’re beating a dead horse if you try to win her back right now.

That said, I'm going to echo what everyone else has said, and tell you it's time to move on. You're doing well now from the sounds, and you need to keep in mind that you're doing well without her. You obviously don't need her to do well in life, and you sure as heck will be able to find happiness without her too.

K, that was longer than I intended, guess I had more to say than I thought.



 

Silent Shaddow

Diabloii.Net Member
this is a little random but i find that listening to bruce springsteen at a time like this always helps...
i will say that now both of you need time away from each other, at the very least...

good luck with what ever you choose... we'll be here at any rate, feel free to stop by for a chat and a brew...
 
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