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Should adoption laws be changed?

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by jimmyboy, Apr 16, 2005.

  1. jimmyboy

    jimmyboy Diabloii.Net Member

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    Should adoption laws be changed?

    The reason I posted this is because a friend of mine in her mid-60s is blocked from trying to find her daughter that she gave up for adoption when she was 17. So the missing daughter is now in her 40s.

    I could understand that there are reasons to protect the identity of the child, promote adoptions, etc.

    If you're an adopting parent, would you object to letting your adopted child find her biological parent when he reaches 40?
     
  2. Necrolestes

    Necrolestes Diabloii.Net Member

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    We are family

    No, I wouldn't because this child will have spent 40 loving years with me so I know they wouldn't reject me for someone new. In fact, it might be a good thing: it would afford me the opportunity to thank the person for giving me the chance to be a parent and offer them a chance, should they wish it, to be one themselves to my adopted youth (well, they'd still be a youth to me).
     
  3. Garbad_the_Weak

    Garbad_the_Weak Diabloii.Net Member

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    Two different issues there.

    Would I object to my adopted adult child looking for their parent? Absolutely not, they are an adult and if they want to find the biological parent, so be it.

    On the other hand, do I favor allowing a biological parent to contact the child they gave up 40 years ago? No.

    If the child seeks them out, fine, but the biological parent has no rights, for various reasons.

    Garbad
     
  4. Isolde212

    Isolde212 Banned

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    I found my biological family when I was 19. It was difficult for my adoptive family but 6 years later things are fine. My mother had major issues at first but eased herself into the idea that she was in fact not being replaced. I had a hard time trying to find Cheryl (birth momma) because the law stated that they couldn't release her identity. Just family history and circumstances and stuff. I had to put my name on a list and then if her name was on the list too we could meet. We met by fluke actually. My mother actually knew who she was the whole time and didn't tell me because she was trying to protect her identity. She didn't feel that she had the right to tell me. I agree. I think that confidentiality rules are there to protect both the parents and children. I do agree that biological parents give up their rights and that they shouldn't go back and find their kids. Cheryl was in fact looking for me and had found my brother but she waited until he was ready and sought after her. In my case everything turned out fine and damn happy about it.....

    Sorry if this post rambles I am still recovering from birthday.
     
  5. Riegn

    Riegn Diabloii.Net Member

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    I agree 100%
     
  6. DrunkPotHead

    DrunkPotHead Diabloii.Net Member

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    I haven't decided yet... care to elaborate?
     
  7. DrunkCajun

    DrunkCajun Banned

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    Well, the ante-bellum economy in the southern states, based as it was on agrarian...

    Oh, sorry, wrong thread.

    Not sure where I stand on this. It's an interesting issue. I certainly don't think the parents should be allowed to unilaterally find their child if the child does not want to be found, but not sure about the technical details of the procedure.
     
  8. Garbad_the_Weak

    Garbad_the_Weak Diabloii.Net Member

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    To be honest, I am no expert. I believe the reasons are things like - finality if the kid doesn't want to know, need for privacy, the risk of legal complications, etc.

    I was just pointing out there is a big difference between an adoptive parent telling an adult child they can't seek out their biological parents and allowing a biological parent to contact the child even if the child hasn't said they want it.

    As far as I am concerned, let the child be in charge of the process. If they want it, let them do it. If they don't or haven't decided, don't allow contact.

    Garbad
     
  9. IDupedInMyPants

    IDupedInMyPants Banned

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    I don't think the biological parents should be blocked from the child unless the kid was removed due to abusive conditions or they're a member of the witness protection program or something. We already have legal measures in place to determine whether or not a person is allowed to have contact with you, I don't see what's wrong with following them instead of making an arbitrary decision based on a few people who think putting a child up for adoption is abandonment.

    I mean, we're talking rights here as if the biologicals wanted to re-take custody or something. The only right they're trying to exercise is the right to meet other humans. If somebody calls you and you don't want to talk to them, nobody can make you.
     
  10. onionfarm

    onionfarm Diabloii.Net Member

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  11. jimmyboy

    jimmyboy Diabloii.Net Member

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    Let's suppose that the child is actually 44 years old and could be a grandmother herself. Isn't she entitled to know who her biological mother is? Or that she was actualy adopted?

    I've a funny feeling some people never learn that they were adopted.
     
  12. MixedVariety

    MixedVariety Banned

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    Basically, it's all been said. Leave the records sealed until the child reaches the age of majority.

    Too much trouble ensues when a kid is still a teenager and wants to find their biological parents. Hormones and adolescent emotion cause rifts in families; at that age, teenagers usually don't like their life and want a change, which isn't fair to the adoptive parents who have put everything into being the real parents, rather than the easy part which is sperm/egg donor.

    Adoptive parents get +5 coolio points in my book, just for being willing to love, and provide a home for, a child not of their direct bloodline. They don't deserve to be ditched for greener pastures.
     
  13. Ranger14

    Ranger14 Diabloii.Net Member

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    I think it is very rare that an adoptive child wants to "leave for greener pastures". The attitude of many people regarding adoption leads them to believe that biological parents are just "sperm or egg donors" who really didn't care about the baby...yadaya

    I will speak from personal experience. I was adopted at birth, as well as my brother and sister. I was brought up by a loving family and they were and are my family to this day. I never did not know that I was adopted. I was always told that being adopted was special as other parents don't get to choose their kids.

    8 years ago my birth mother searched for and found me. I gladly signed the papers for her to be able to contact me. My adopted parents were fine with it and encouraged the contact. I have now met my birth mother and my birth father (they aren't together and he didn't even know I existed). My birth mother was 16 and was a minister's daughter and was shipped off to camp and forced to give me up. She has been tortured all her life wondering if I have had a good life and family. She waited until her parents passed away to search for me. In Washington the laws allow her to look.

    I feel very blessed as I now have three families. The family I grew up loves me, but I have to say when I met my extended birth families I felt a different type of love and acceptance. It is hard to explain, but to be hugged and welcomed like I was never gone...to be with my birth father and see that we are so alike in personalities...to feel a love and acceptance by people that never knew me at all. To see family resemblances and physical attributes that all complete the puzzle of who I am and why I am on this earth makes it an invaluable experience. I have a sense of belonging now that I didn't know I was lacking until I met my birth parents.

    I also have a 19 year old daughter who was adopted at birth due to her mother's wishes. It was not my choice and didn't have much choice in the matter. I hope and pray that she will find me someday. I truly do. So, I have seen adoption from all viewpoints. It is a tremendous thing and I do believe a biological parent should have the right to seek out their child once they are of adult age. If that person is not interested in meeting their biological parent, then they have the right to decline and life goes on, but to deny people that opportunity that was such a great experience for me seems wrong. I understand that not all meetings or attempts to contact are going to be positive, but how will you know if you aren't given the opportunity? I have friends that have been contacted by their birth parents and they aren't interested in meeting them for whatever reason. That is their choice, but at least they have the choice.

    I just recently started writing a book on adoption. It is meant to dispel the negative connotations that some people like to attach to the adoption process and be a positive support for adopted kids and parents. It is entitled "We All Belong". :)
     
  14. Isolde212

    Isolde212 Banned

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    I found your story very inspiring. I am glad that you found your parents, I too have been there. However, in my experience I am really glad that the law protects confidentiality for both biological parent and child. I really would not have wanted to barge in on anyone's life if they weren't ready to just as I would not have wanted that for myself. My biological mother was actively searching for me when I was 16. At that period in my life it would have been devestating for us to meet. I was harbouring hostile feelings for her due to certain circumstances I was in. Even after I reached age of majority I still think it was best that I sought after her. I wanted to make sure that I was ready to face certain doubts, concerns and issues that I had been dealing with my whole life.
    As far as I am concerned she gave up her rights to me 25 years ago and if I chose to search after her it's my choice not hers. It was her decision to give me up and not one that should be taken lightly. You have to live with the fact that you may never see your child again and if you aren't willing to do that then maybe should consider another alternative. I will never doubt that she chose to do the right thing. I am very happy with my life although it was difficult. I will never look at her as a mother figure in my life. I know that she gave birth to me and all but I have a mother and a father that will never be replaced by bloodties under any circumstance. But she is a very good friend, a role model, the strongest person I have ever met and someone I know I can count on. I will never be anything but a daughter to her though. So we do have varying opinions.
    Now, in my situation I have a father that doesn't even know that I exist. My biological mother insists on keeping his identity to herself. This bothers me. Not because I wish to meet him because according to her he is a very bad man and she is only doing it to protect me, but I honestly think that it should be my call. I think that the law should require the biological mother to reveal the identity of the father (if known) to the adoption agency so that in the future the child may make the decision to search. But in my case they didn't question her reasons. I think that he should have the right to know that there is a child as well as I should have the right to search for him if I want to.
    I agree with the system we have where as long as both parties are in agreement that there should be a reunion but until then it should remain anonymous.

    All in all, being adopted has always made me feel special in a way but in a good way. I have had positive experiences with the process and am blessed beyond belief with the two families that I have.
     
  15. IDupedInMyPants

    IDupedInMyPants Banned

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    That "never see your child again" deal is a societal construct, and quite frankly, strengthening it only makes it worse for people in your position. If it didn't exist, you would have known from the beginning who your biological parents were. You would have never developed that silly sense of abandonment and never gone through this whole parent-bullying guilt trip phase where you think you've been wronged and they therefore have no right to communicate with you.

    Why exactly should you have the right to find them and them not have the right to find you? If you're not their kid then you're not their kid. Your mom's not getting child support for you, you know?
     
  16. Ranger14

    Ranger14 Diabloii.Net Member

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    Thanks for sharing Isolde. :)

    I do want to make it clear that my birth mother found me. I tried searching for her, but had no luck.

    The trouble is, there are people like her that were forced to give up her rights. She did not have the choice. I feel if I or someone is 18 and their birth parent wants to try to reach them, if it is traumatic for them, they just have to say no thank you...I am fine and life goes on. I had that choice as I had to sign legal papers for my birth mother to be able to contact me. I don't see that as being harmful. In my case it helped end over 30 years of torture and low self-esteem that my birth mother suffered. She was 5' 1" and 340 pounds when I met her. She is now 150 pounds and feels so much better about herself. That, in and of itself is reason enough for me to be open to meeting her.
     
  17. {KOW}Spazed

    {KOW}Spazed Banned

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    Wow, that is a lot of weight to lose.


    The whole issue, like many, is entirely circumstantial.

    Situation A: Both the child and parent want to meet, they do, everyone is happy.
    Situation B: Neither want to meet, but do by accident, everyone is happy.
    Situation C: Neither want to meet, but do by accident, everyone is miserable.
    Situation D: Both want to meet, they do, everyone is miserable.
    Situation E: One wants to meet the other doesn't, they do, they are both miserable.
    Situation F: One wants to meet the other doesn't, they do, they are both happy.

    Sure there are probably mediums out there, but in all honesty I think there should be a system put in place. The parents sign a paper saying they either wouldn't mind being found or not when they go the the adoption agency. The child, anytime after 18, can sign the papers also. If the adoptive parents want to sign this paper earlier they can, but only if the child is shown as willing to an agency worker.

    At least that is the only way I see it working out in todays world.
     
  18. Isolde212

    Isolde212 Banned

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    First of all, I said that I agreed to reunion as long as both sides were consentual. I put my name on a list and if her name is on a list too then great. If not then fine. No one should be confronted with "Hello I am your mother please meet me" and vice versa. I take offense that you think I have that "silly sense of abandonment". You don't know me or any of my circumstance. Every child of adoption is going to question whether or not it was the best thing for them. Every person is going to wonder what it had been like if they were raised with biological family. Every person is going to want to know why. My sister was put up for adoption because her mother was a 16 year old crackhead. I don't think that she has a right to come barging back into her life do you? My sister already harbours resentment due to the fact that she is afraid that her mother will come looking for her when she doesn't think she has the right. Frankly I don't think she does either. You honestly think that a person who has their child taken away from them or a situation like that has the right to actively search for their child without consent. I don't.


    Edit: Kow, that system that you speak of is actually in place by Children's Aid in Canada. I think it's a reasonable system. That's exactly what I am talking about. Everybody has to be consenting.
     
  19. {KOW}Spazed

    {KOW}Spazed Banned

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    Always good to know my ideas aren't totally crazy some of the time.
     
  20. IDupedInMyPants

    IDupedInMyPants Banned

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    I say you have a silly sense of abandonment because when discussing adoption generalities, you've indicated that your opinion is based on a fictional giving up of rights that takes place when a child is put up for adoption. Also, if that's your opinion because of a very specific incident with a crackhead, that's fine, but you shouldn't expect anyone to join you in extending that to all adoptions in the country.
     

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