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Short piece (with a name)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Drystan, Sep 28, 2006.

  1. Drystan

    Drystan IncGamers Member

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    Short piece (with a name)

    Hey all! Just thought of letting you in on an little piece I've recently written. It's not my general style, nor is it how I would write a regular story, so it may be ... but this is a bit of an alternate and unusual piece. Let me know what you think. It was a bit of a test, so it isn't the most amazing thing written. :rolleyes: (Oh, and I haven't fully edited it, so there may be a few 'iffy's' here and there.)

    --------------------------------------------------------​

    The night started well. Geldash thought of everything. He even managed to hire shamans to help keep our fire going. Why, why, why? How could these creatures be so cruel? Geldash’s 59th birthday… Ruined, ruined, RUINED!
    We were all there. Drillock even travelled four nights to get here. There were rumours about Geldash’s biggest party in history. And they were true. I have never seen such a great gathering. We were there to party the night away. Ohh, I can still smell the boars being roasted.
    As the moon began to rise, and the sun hid, we began with our traditional prayer to Serdash, but it was halted abruptly.

    A great roar came out of the darkness. My friends holding Geldash’s candles went over to see what it was. They disappeared into the trees leaving the rest of us huddling in an uncomfortable silence around our only fire. The shamans began entertaining us with fire tricks. It was spectacular. Until the arrows rained down upon us. We ran for our huts, but these tall figures encased in gleaming metal were waiting there, towering over our huts.
    Oh, Serdash! What did we do? We’re peaceful, and no harm to anything. My brothers were falling to these arrows, and we could do little but flee. Our ceremonial daggers and carving knives were no match for the giant axes these monsters wielded. The magics of our shaman entertainers stood little chance against the magic they held.
    Our scouting party returned to find this mayhem, only to be killed by dozens of arrows in their backs.
    Lightning arced back and forth scorching dozens of us at a time, while creatures holding swords walked piously around us, flames erupting outwards around their feet burning even more.
    A small group of us somehow managed to escape to the forest edge. Maybe only fifty of us got into the forest, fleeing, not looking back.
    We thought we had escaped, but the earth opened up before us in a great fissure, fire and molten chunks spewing forth.
    Bolts of electricity from some hidden traps were closing in on both sides of us. Dear Serdash, what have we done? Not even seven of us got away before being burnt by flame or electrical charges.
    We all ran our own way as bears burst through the trees behind us. I wasn’t chased, but I don’t think anyone else escaped.
    Oh, Serdash, protect me. Even now I can hear their callous, evil voices rising through the air. If anyone finds this, warn the Prime Goods. Diablo, Lord of Peace must know. Eeck! They are coming, I have to run. Serdash, please… May you guide this note to our Lord of Peace!

    ‘Well, what does it say?’
    ‘How would I know?’ replied the man with a symbol of his church on his left breast. ‘It reeks of evil though. Demon magics. Possibly devilkin death weavers. Burn it, and may we smite these creatures of the black abyss. May the Lord of Terror feel our righteousness.’
    He dropped the parchment containing a hastily scribble letter and allowed the woman beside him to ignite it with a word of power. He smiled, watching it smoulder, before turning and walking away into the night.

    --------------------------------------------------------​

    I would like to call this Devilkin's Diary, but that's a bit of a ... name, and I didn't feel it was right to give away what the piece was about immediately.
     
  2. Fluffballer

    Fluffballer IncGamers Member

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    I can dig it. The use of "even" twice shortly apart in the begining stood out to me though.
     
  3. Drystan

    Drystan IncGamers Member

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    Thanks Fluff.
    I have to write down everything I think of (and that has given me some pretty wrong poems.) I like to write everything down because it not only removes self-imposed limitations, but it also allows me to improve my proof-reading, editing, and change styles if need be.
    This style I found very difficult to write in, and definately was one of my weaker pieces, but I think most people find this type difficult.

    It was my first Diablo-related piece, so that's why I posted it.
    I do have a question though (grammatical,) since you found only one error/problem.
    I do this so often, but here I feel it is different.
    Would altering the present 'watching' to 'and watched' be any better, and if so, would the second comma be required?
    IE: He smiled, and watched it smoulder, before turning and walking away into the night.
     
  4. 0xDEADCAFE

    0xDEADCAFE IncGamers Member

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    I think you could dispense with both commas if you did it that way. However, you might want to consider how that would change the meaning of the sentence. "And" puts more separation between the smiling and the watching, making it less clear to what degree the two actions are related. The use of "and" can also suggest a separation in time, as in: first this and then that.

    Compare these two sentences:

    - He smiled and watched the squirrel.

    - He smiled, watching the squirrel.

    When I read the first one I don't get a strong sense that the subject is smiling because of the squirrel. You could infer that, of course, but it could also be because the subject is day-dreaming about something pleasant and it just happens that a squirrel is in the line of sight. Or it could be that the subject did both but at different times. In contrast, the second sentence suggests a simultaneity and a much closer connection between the two.

    FWIW, I prefer your sentence in the original. There's a strong implication that the subject takes pleasure in the destruction of his enemies, which would seem to fit well with the story. There's nothing wrong with using commas to sharpen the meaning of a sentence as long as they don't interfere with the overall flow you are trying to achieve.
     
  5. Drystan

    Drystan IncGamers Member

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    Thanks for clearing that up, 0xDEADCAFE.
    You're right with that, and all else there. I can't see why it felt weird to me, but it doesn't anymore.
     
  6. SeasonForAssault

    SeasonForAssault IncGamers Member

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    might just be me but i found the tense confusing. theres alot of I, we, them, in it. But apart from that, awesome structure and style.:thumbsup:
     
  7. RevenantsKnight

    RevenantsKnight IncGamers Member

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    Sorry for the delay in getting to this.

    Overall, I thought this was worth the read, even if it was unpolished. As you note, there are some parts with slightly odd or confusing wordings, as well as a few grammatical slips here and there. Mind you, I didn't think that any of these were particularly disruptive on a first read; the meaning was generally pretty clear. The part that slowed me down the most was the sentence structure, since there were a fair number of short, factual-sounding ones, which made the piece read a little choppily to me. I can see an argument for keeping it that way, since it is essentially a hurried note, but my admittedly biased instinct was that it felt a bit too list-like.

    That aside, I do like the monster's perspective sort of thing; while you may have pushed the believability a little with how much you played up the "We're peaceful! We're peaceful!" bits, it's always fun to see how writers do the other side of the screen. Even though I've seen similar stuff before, pieces done from the monsters' perspective tend to draw some grins from me, and this was no exception. And I could live with the I, we, etc. mix, but that's just me.

    All in all, I think it's still a little rough, though as a quick, experimental one-shot, I would say it's worthwhile. And yeah, "Devilkin's Diary" might be a little too...revealing. I might try to spin it so that it sounds like an attack on a human village or something, just from the title. :wink3: Thanks for posting!
     

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