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Scenes from a (Straight) Marriage

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Pierrot le Fou, Mar 1, 2004.

  1. Pierrot le Fou

    Pierrot le Fou IncGamers Member

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    Scenes from a (Straight) Marriage

    Scenes from a (Straight) Marriage
    Our columnist imagines what will happen to a typical heterosexual union if *** marriages are legalized

    WEB EXCLUSIVE
    By Gersh Kuntzman
    Newsweek Column: American Beat
    Updated: 3:42 p.m. ET Feb. 14, 2004

    Feb. 14 - The recent ruling by the Massachusetts Supreme Court in favor of *** marriage has prompted many American couples to ponder the future of marriage in this country. Many commentators have openly worried that heterosexual marriage may not survive as an institution. If they're right, our columnist believes that we can expect lots of scenes like this in homes all across the nation.

    HENRY and ANN are in bed. Henry's wife LESLIE comes home.

    LESLIE, walking upstairs towards the bedroom: Honey, are you home?

    LESLIE enters the bedroom.

    LESLIE,aghast: Henry! What's going on here?
    HENRY: I'm having an affair.
    LESLIE: How could you do this to me? To us?!
    HENRY: Hey, don't blame me. Blame Steve and Ted for moving in next door.
    LESLIE: Steve and Ted? But they're...they're...they're just...roommates!

    ANN,laughing: Just roommates! Would ya listen to this broad? Still lying to herself!
    HENRY,calmly: They're not just roommates, Leslie. They're ***. They're a *** couple. They're a *** married couple. Get it? Married gays! According to the Massachusetts Supreme Court, gays are now entitled to the same basic marital rights as we are.
    LESLIE: You mean they can file their federal taxes jointly, they can visit each other in the hospital, they can get a mortgage, they can rent a car together without having to get that ridiculous "second-driver" charge, and they can register at a hotel without having to lie to the clerk that they need two beds?
    HENRY: Yep. It's the beginning of the end. Plus, these gays are going to save a lot on travel expenses.
    LESLIE,understanding: I see. So, I guess we never had a chance. Damn activist judges.
    HENRY: You can say that again! After Steve and Ted officially tied the knot, I picked her up (indicating ANN). I figured, why the hell not? If gays can get married, what chance did our normal, heterosexual marriage have? Indeed, what does the word "marriage" mean anyway if two people of the same sex can do it?
    ANN,snuggling up to HENRY: The marriage vow means nothing to *** people! My husband and I were just discussing that yesterday!
    LESLIE: To be honest, I felt my matrimonial bond to you weakening ever since Steve and Ted moved in. But I just attributed it to all the extra hours you've been putting in at the office. Now I can see that the very fabric of our marriage was being undermined by those married gays.
    HENRY: I know. When Steve and Ted registered as "domestic partners" at City Hall last year, I'll admit, I started having a bit of the roaming eye, but I was never unfaithful to you. OK, I made out with a woman in Cleveland, but that was right after they registered and I felt a vague (making air quotes) "malaise" in our marriage.
    LESLIE,frustrated: Why aren't "civil unions" and "domestic partnerships" enough for these people! They confer exactly the same rights, but give all the politicians a fig leaf to hide behind! No, they want the word "marriage"! These married gays won't be content until they destroy everything we have, will they?
    HENRY: It's already happening. Once Steve and Ted went to Toronto and actually got married, well, I realized that the institution of marriage was such a joke that I've had one affair after another. That woman in Chicago. The TV writer in LA. Those two runaway teenagers in Vegas. It was easy. All I said was, "Hi, my name is Henry and a married *** couple just moved in next door."
    LESLIE: That's a pretty good opener, I admit.
    HENRY: You have no idea. *** marriage has been the best thing that ever happened to me.

    LESLIE: And our marriage...?
    HENRY, matter-of-factly: Oh, it's over, baby.
    LESLIE: Oh, woe is me. I can't believe that my perfectly normal heterosexual marriage is going to end in divorce! Just like Ben and Jane, Tom and Janet, Carl and Evelyn, Albert and Nicole, Len and Maureen, Gary and Yolanda...
    HENRY: ...Paul and Regina, David and Helene, Bruce and Ilene...
    ANN: ...Juan and Sophia, Ricardo and Vicki, Martin and Ophelia...
    LESLIE: I bet none of them ever would've gotten divorced were it not for this *** onslaught!

    HENRY: It's too late, honey. The very existence of *** marriage makes it impossible for me to be married to you anymore. If two *** people can make a contract to spend the rest of their lives together, we heterosexuals can look forward to nothing but an endless series of meaningless affairs that lead towards no lifelong commitment. Certainly you understand? (beat)
    So, um, don't you have somewhere to be right now?
    LESLIE: What? (Looking at ANN) Oh, yeah, right. I'll see you later. Damn married gays.

    LESLIE exits. HENRY and ANN begin cuddling again.

    Gersh Kuntzman is also Brooklyn Bureau Chief for The New York Post. His website is at http://www.gersh.tv
    ? 2004 Newsweek, Inc.​

    Another tongue-in-cheek look at the phenom.
     
  2. Ash Housewares

    Ash Housewares IncGamers Member

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  3. th5418

    th5418 Banned

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    Wasnt this posted already?
     
  4. Pierrot le Fou

    Pierrot le Fou IncGamers Member

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    Clearly it's...formatted nicer...

    Hrm, okay, so much for that one.

    Mods, I request you to rain sulphur and fire upon this thread and wipe it from existence before it turns us all to salt (via the massive amount of spam that will undoubtedly ensue).
     
  5. {KOW}Spazed

    {KOW}Spazed Banned

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    :lol: :lol: :lol: Haha good read.
     
  6. maccool

    maccool IncGamers Member

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    And here I thought PLF was an original thinker. Now I know he's just a pilferer.

    Way to suck and blow at the same time!
     
  7. Canadia142

    Canadia142 Banned

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    hurry spam before it gets nuked!
     
  8. th5418

    th5418 Banned

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    wheee!!! spam spam spam!
     
  9. Ash Housewares

    Ash Housewares IncGamers Member

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    there are plenty places for spam, this thread can serve as a vessel for those that didn't see it the first time
     
  10. SomeCanadianGuy

    SomeCanadianGuy IncGamers Member

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    Didn't see what?
     
  11. Canadia142

    Canadia142 Banned

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    thing at the top of the page.
     
  12. Ash Housewares

    Ash Housewares IncGamers Member

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    you're still on the first page, how did you forget what the thread was about already?

    *beats SCG w/cod/trout/house/bowling ball/chain/diller*
     
  13. dantose

    dantose IncGamers Member

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    we could actually turn this thread into a debate about *** marriage rather than just posting slightly inflamitory sarcastic comments. what does everyone think?
     
  14. DurfBarian

    DurfBarian IncGamers Member

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    Pink is the new pinko

    John O'Farrell
    Friday February 27, 2004
    The Guardian

    First the enemy was the mighty Soviet Union, the "evil empire" with its massive nuclear arsenal and plans for world domination. Then came crazed fundamentalist terrorists backed by rogue dictators hiding weapons of mass destruction. But now America faces an even greater threat to its very survival - yes, it's Simon and Julian, the couple who run Shampoodle, the Pet Pamper Parlor.

    For this week George Bush has put *** weddings at the top of the political agenda, proposing the radical step of an amendment to the American constitution. The crisis began on Monday when spy satellite photos clearly showed Simon and Julian choosing a wedding cake with two little men on top. Surveillance teams at the Pentagon reported increased present-buying in the soft furnishing department of Bloomingdale's by other suspected local gays and their allies (single women in their forties). Meanwhile, chemical experts reported that Simon and Julian were believed to be secretly stockpiling spumanti and cassis, which could be made into pink champagne within 45 minutes. A *** wedding might occur at any time; America is now in a state of pink alert.

    This is clearly such a major political issue that it urgently requires a change in the American constitution. Now the famous document will read: "All men are created equal ... but when we say men we mean real men, who like a beer and a ball game and leering at cheerleaders, not the effeminate faggoty types who jog through Central Park in tiny silver shorts, not that I was looking at their butts, obviously." It will be the first constitutional amendment to be scrawled in green ink.

    Meanwhile, the British Conservative party is suddenly heading in the other direction. This week the Tories announced that they were organising a *** summit in Westminster. Michael Howard recognises that there is a lot of ground to make up for a party in which safe sex means making absolutely sure you're wife can't find out. The Tories' understanding of *** culture may be a little outmoded, but they'll be doing their best based on their memories of boarding school.

    "We're having my old Greek master giving descriptions of the male athletes running naked in the Olympic games." "Yes, and I'll be explaining that being a homosexual doesn't automatically mean that you went to Cambridge in the 1930s and then spied for the Russians." But the conference is a step in the right direction. Unlike the American right, the Conservatives are embracing the *** community because they have finally realised that there is nothing lower than trying to use fear and prejudice for narrow party advantage. (So don't vote Tory 'cos they're obviously a big bunch of poofs.)

    But thanks largely to its militant Christian wing, the American right is stuck in the political stone age. By making a constitutional issue out of *** marriages, Bush is hoping to make his enemies become associated with homosexuality. He is relishing the moment when Democrat senators find themselves having to raise their hands to vote to defend the rights of gays, but trying to do so in the most macho manner possible. As the TV cameras swing around the room seeking a raised arm that displays any sign of a slightly limp wrist, the senators will all be chewing gum, while some will have their shirt sleeves rolled up to reveal a tattoo of a naked lady they'd hastily drawn on their arm in ballpoint pen.

    "Hey, I really like cars and motorbikes and stuff like that, don't you?"

    "Oh, yeah, definitely, and beer and swearing and football."

    "Yeah, when all those big, muscly guys all pile on top of one another - damn, damn, I didn't say that!"

    George Bush has finally come out of the closet about his homophobia. He has sat his parents down and said: "Mom, Dad, there's something I have to tell you. I think I may be homophobic."

    "Are you sure, son? stammered his mother. "I mean, it might just be a phase."

    I know in these days of political correctness one is supposed to be tolerant and broad-minded, but I'm sorry, I just think it's disgusting. I mean these Christian Republicans. I don't mind them having these views in private, but why do they have to flaunt them so openly? What they say to each other about gays behind locked doors is their own business, but now you get them ostentatiously parading their anti-*** views, and boasting about it on the television. I mean, what if children were to hear?

    Bush knows that there is no real chance of a constitutional change this side of the presidential election. He is just seeking to boost his poll rating by stirring up hatred against a completely harmless minority. The issue is a complete Aunt Sally. Or should that be Uncle Sally?
     
  15. dantose

    dantose IncGamers Member

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    or we could keep on posting slightly inflamitory posts instead of actually making an argument, that would work too
     
  16. Ash Housewares

    Ash Housewares IncGamers Member

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    that is obviously not the point of this thread, you can be the only person here bitching if you want, but this is at heart a silly thread, and you would be foolish to embark on such activities
     
  17. Anakha1

    Anakha1 Banned

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    Saw the scenes from a marriage thing the first time.

    It's still stupid.
     
  18. dantose

    dantose IncGamers Member

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    Outside the courts in San Fran. we took to asking newly married gays why they wanted to get married. Below are some of the responses:

    "I want to have visiting rights if my partner is in the hospital, you know, with out filling out the paper work that already allows for that."

    "I want my partner to have all my stuff when I die and figure redefining a social institution will be easier than writing a will."

    "well, it's worked so well in those other countries that implimented it that I want to do my part. hopefully US births out of wedlock will climb just as high as those european countries. I just want to help out."

    "I just want to get in on the whole married-but-filing-seperately-because-it's-more-expensive-to-file-jointly benefit."

    "I was just so fed up with all those republicans thinking that the britney spears marriage thing was fine. I saw it on the internet so it must be true!"

    "I'm just looking for a place to buy smokes"


    When asked what they thought about accusations that *** marriage could lead to poligamy one man had this to say, "if that was possible, wouldn't there be poligamist groups out there expressly stating they intended to follow in the footsteps of the *** movement? There are? oh, then I guess I'll marry steve and bill."


    when in rome...
     
  19. Carnage-DVS

    Carnage-DVS IncGamers Member

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    Loot,****,pillage and burn?
     
  20. Steel_Avatar

    Steel_Avatar IncGamers Member

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    What about the following:


    • Automatic Assumption of Spouse’s Pension
    • Automatic Inheritance
    • Automatic Housing Lease Transfer
    • Bereavement Leave (offered by some employers)
    • Burial Determination
    • Certain Property Rights
    • Child Custody
    • Crime Victim’s Recovery Benefits
    • Domestic Violence Protection (most cities won’t cover same-sex abuse)
    • Exemption from Property Tax on Partner’s Death
    • Immigration access for the foreign spouse of a U.S. citizen
    • Immunity from Testifying Against Spouse
    • Insurance Breaks (apartment car)
    • Joint Adoption (only NJ offers) and Foster Care
    • Joint Bankruptcy
    • Joint Parenting (Insurance Coverage, School Records)
    • Medical Decisions on Behalf of Partner
    • Name Change if Desired
    • Reduced Rate Memberships
    • Sick Leave to Care for Partner (varies by employer)
    • Visitation of Partner’s Children
    • Visitation of Partner in Hospital or Prison
    • Wrongful Death (Loss of Consort) Benefits
     

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