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Rudiments (poem)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by Madrik Rimesorrow, Mar 21, 2008.

  1. Madrik Rimesorrow

    Madrik Rimesorrow IncGamers Member

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    Rudiments (poem)

    Could be Diablo. Could be WarCraft. Your pick. Tell me if it could stand improvement.
    RUDIMENTS
    -Rimesorrow
    As if a searing bolt scorches the sun,
    Promises made cannot be undone.
    When one's days pass in gloom,
    Darker shades all rise and loom.
    The Wanderer travels without a soul,
    To consume beings and their all as a whole.
    He goes about alone in solace.
    Moving anywhere in time and space.

    Those he burns live a blood-curdling dream.
    Bow down before him, for he reigns supreme.
    Wherever he points, people cower in dread.
    For they know that shall soon be dead.
    Their souls shall be rent, before they do know.
    Their very essence will leave them and go.
    Only one who is truly sublime
    Can salvage them before it is their time.

    And there, on the hill alone he stands.
    Having conquered waters and sands.
    Unfazed he looks into the fiend's eyes.
    They both collide as they utter war-cries.
    This battle will ensue over hill and dale.
    Through woods, through glades, through storm and hail.
    Even though the Scourge generates in blight.
    I believe we shall be redeemed from this plight.​
     
  2. CallMeTheSpelunker

    CallMeTheSpelunker IncGamers Member

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    Re: Rudiments (poem)

    I like it, personally. It would take me a VERY long time before I came up with anything like that. Then again, I'm more a fan of prosody and thus it's probably the rhyme structure that intimidates me.

    Speaking of the rhyme structure, there's just 1 little slip up: "solace" is pronounced "sawllus", if I'm not mistaken. In prosody one never questions the word choice based on its pronunciation, but since you are not writing prosody and you are very obviously using rhyming couplets, they should probably rhyme :p

    In addition, the line "For they know that shall soon be dead" is probably missing the word "they."

    "For they know that THEY shall soon be dead."

    Idk, it just occurred to me.

    Lastly, the syllabic structure could probably use some streamlining. Pay careful attention to the syllables which are stressed versus those which are unstressed; this is only important because your rhymes make the poem more melodic, as though it should be sung... and if the syllables are impossible to enunciate in the correct fashion, it kills THAT spirit too, and leaves the reader with no good way to read the poem aloud. For instance, your first stanza's syllables go, line by line: 10 / 9 / 6 / 7 / 10 / 11 / 9 / 9. Personally, the greatest respect I have for a poet comes when he's using a very ordered structure but manages to very concisely communicate his meaning; to this effect, you could make the lines uniform and just keep searching for the perfect words to insert. OR, you could make the couplets vary in length - just make sure, in either case, that the lines within each couplet match each other very well. THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF SYLLABIC STRUCTURE WHEN USING RHYMING COUPLETS.

    Just to make sure you didn't miss it :p.
     
  3. Madrik Rimesorrow

    Madrik Rimesorrow IncGamers Member

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    Re: Rudiments (poem)

    Yeah, I skipped the "they". :tongue:

    Thanks for the inputs. I'll work on it. :smiley:
     
  4. Holyknight3000

    Holyknight3000 D3 Fan Creations Forum Moderator

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