Red Skelton's Tips For A Happy Marriage RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 1) Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2) We also sleep in separate beds. Hers in Ontario and mine is in Tucson. 3) I take my wife everywhere.but she keeps finding her way back. 4) I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5) We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6) She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric breadmaker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair. 7) My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "in the lake". 8) She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9) She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!" 10)Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11)I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 12)I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 13) The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"