please read: ranting, problems, some amount of maturity *this is going to be kind of ranty and loosely connected and formed, sorry* Hello. i doubt anyone will remember me, but i frequented these boards maybe over a year ago, but here i am again, probably not to stay. I know its an annoyance to most of the posters here, butI as a sixteen year old guy am having social problems and am coming here more as a way to get some of this out of my system and into a medium that no one i know reads. I guess part of that is a trust issue. Everytime i have kept a diary i have ripped out the pages and either burnt them or just crumpled them up several days later. My innermost thoughts are usually kept to myself, mostly out of a fear that if i tell anyone they arent safe anymore, that either conciously or by a slip they will tell the person or persons i dont want to know the information. Most of the time, i just keep things locked up and live with it, usually contently. Unfortunately, that way of living doesnt help when you need input or advice. I'm not in the mood to ask my parents because it frequently happens that any name or situation i mention to them will get repeated by my siblings half a week later. I don't blame them, I just dont trust them either. My guy friends arent exactly trustworthy either, as anything personal will become an object of attack, not so much to hurt someone, but to alleviate the pain by relegating it to the same status as every other topic. Helpful in some ways, less so in others. And no im not doing this to build anyone up to my grand conflict, im just typing as I see fit. In most cases I would go to my two friends with this sort of stuff, but they happen to be directly involved in it, and bringing up the topic seems an unpleasant option until i have some other input. might as well say this IS a topic about 1 guy (me) and 2 s (them) but its less a love triangle in the normal sense than im comfortable dealing with on my own. i do trust both of them, which is VERY close to my definition of love. this isnt about with either of them. It is about an emotional bond, trust, and friendship, that luckily coincides with mutual attraction. Time to go on with the background. And yes I'm going to be using letters to represent them. Sorry, I dont trust any of you either. I just appreciate the open ears this forum provides, and the possibility of constructive advice. I have known both of them since maybe 7th grade as names. In 10th grade, I sat next to A in an english class that had quite a bit of time. We got to talking and realized after a few months that we had a lot in common...not that this was said but i am assuming it was mutual. This eventually led to hour long aim and phone conversations about life and the works. meaningful at least in part. If you need to visualize her, she has long brownblonde hair, pale skin, quite attractive, a non american face (welsh? french?) and is usually very quiet and brooding, often depressed, has trouble sleeping, wishes she was a vampire, doesnt eat much, hears voices occasionally, doesnt like people touching her I managed through effort to worm my way into (no not her pants you dumbass) her social circle of friends - saturday movie nights usually, but also other outings--pool (the one with cues), movies, lunch, etc. And realized that she had a boyfriend. Crap So I compromise with myself that since it was a combination of attraction and connection that I liked her, that I would at least be happy counting her as a friend. Not that i didnt shed a few tears, but still. Knowing her friends, I met B. B is more willing to flirt playfully, more open, and i feel more immediately comfortable around her, an artist that knows she needs more talent, smart, more talkative than A. wants to fly, not be invisible, black hair, a little overweight by American standards but still very attractive. During 11th grade (this year) she is in my math class, so I began sitting with er and eating lunch with her. She of course also has a boyfriend. Crap Winter comes. A breaks up with her boyfriend because he was a jerk who had nothing in common with her, was normal, decieved her, cheated on her, and wasnt committed to the relationship. <--her words not mine. Yay team. I know I should ask her out, but she was genuinely hurt by the breakup after one year of , and asking her out seemed awkward at best. We still talked and such, but she didnt seem needy for a relationship at that point. So i decide to wait. During this wait B breaks up with her boyfriend, who was a great guy and who I had become friends with. The breakup was because after a "mutual hugging" with him, B, and A, he had fallen for A, and wanted to break up with B to go out with A, and expected this to work. B felt unimportant and that he must not have been committed if he would drop her so quickly. I happened to be at her house at a study group a few days after, and stayed until everyone else was gone and heard the whole story, tried to listen and be comforting in whatever way i could, which amounted to saying i was confused too, he was wrong to have dumped her, and a hug. B seemed more open to a relationship after this break up, possibly because she seems to chain date guys, as that was her third boyfriend. As of a week ago, I had been to a few movies, a few dinners with her, as well as just the time that I had known her, and have taken up seeing her at most passing periods that is feasible. This last friday, A B and myself went to 'First Friday,' a downtown event the first friday of each month involving many peoples and shopping and such. Both dressed attractively, A walked between B and myself at some points holding both of us, some biting between B and me, and so on in non ual physical flirtations, if your mind needs these generalizations. afterwards we went to B's home, where after some guitar playing by me and some conversaton, B collapsed on her bed tired, under the sheets. I lay partiall on top of her, and A lay close by, her head on B, and with my hand massagin her back and occasionally soft carresses. Very good times, I feel quite content. Saturday (yesterday) i went shopping with A for my friends birthday party and other errands for maybe 2-3 hours, then we went to A's house, which happens to be on my street, and she lay down, and I tried to relax her. she is very tense, depressed, and possibly insecure, and somehow trusts me enough for any of this to happen. If I had to say who i like better (which i am loathe to do) I would say A, as i feel i have a deep connection with her after the year i have known her well, and feel that i can make her life better. So: I can (continue going) out with B, and lose A. I can go out with A, and dump B. I can continue trying to juggle B and A. The problems: if i ask out A, B will see it as the same type of break up that she just went through with, and i desperately do not want to hurt her like that, especially so soon after the first time. if i go out with B, A will be hurt for me leading her on, which is to an extent true so i couldnt deny it. they are best friends, I dont want to play them off against each other, and am not sure i could if i did want to. valentines day is coming up, and im not sure if im allowed to get them both presents, but i have to get at least one of them presents. they are both admittedly bi curious, which puts fantasy situations such as all 3 of us managing to coexist in a relationship in my mind, none of which seems possible in American society, and i dont know if either of them would even consider that. i see both of them in school every day, talk with both of them regularly on the phone and via aim, i cant run from the problem. mostly im confused, and seem to generally be in too deep. in case anyone needs to know for a response: this does not currently involve , tho both of them might say yes in the future (read as is not part of the issue), i havent made a serios committing ACTION to either of them (calling one of them my friend, on the lips kiss, large gifts, etc) any responses or questions will be answered to the best of my ability, although i will simply ignore any imature comments or tangential remarks. if you read this far, thanks. its nice to have someone listen.