Latest Diablo 3 News
DiabloWiki Updates
Support the site! Become a Diablo: IncGamers PAL - Remove ads and more!

please read: ranting, problems, some amount of maturity der=0

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by kban09, Feb 9, 2004.

  1. kban09

    kban09 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2003
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    33
    please read: ranting, problems, some amount of maturity

    *this is going to be kind of ranty and loosely connected and formed, sorry*

    Hello. i doubt anyone will remember me, but i frequented these boards maybe over a year ago, but here i am again, probably not to stay. I know its an annoyance to most of the posters here, butI as a sixteen year old guy am having social problems and am coming here more as a way to get some of this out of my system and into a medium that no one i know reads.

    I guess part of that is a trust issue. Everytime i have kept a diary i have ripped out the pages and either burnt them or just crumpled them up several days later. My innermost thoughts are usually kept to myself, mostly out of a fear that if i tell anyone they arent safe anymore, that either conciously or by a slip they will tell the person or persons i dont want to know the information. Most of the time, i just keep things locked up and live with it, usually contently.

    Unfortunately, that way of living doesnt help when you need input or advice. I'm not in the mood to ask my parents because it frequently happens that any name or situation i mention to them will get repeated by my siblings half a week later. I don't blame them, I just dont trust them either. My guy friends arent exactly trustworthy either, as anything personal will become an object of attack, not so much to hurt someone, but to alleviate the pain by relegating it to the same status as every other topic. Helpful in some ways, less so in others. And no im not doing this to build anyone up to my grand conflict, im just typing as I see fit.

    In most cases I would go to my two friends with this sort of stuff, but they happen to be directly involved in it, and bringing up the topic seems an unpleasant option until i have some other input. might as well say this IS a topic about 1 guy (me) and 2 s (them) but its less a love triangle in the normal sense than im comfortable dealing with on my own.

    i do trust both of them, which is VERY close to my definition of love. this isnt about with either of them. It is about an emotional bond, trust, and friendship, that luckily coincides with mutual attraction.

    Time to go on with the background. And yes I'm going to be using letters to represent them. Sorry, I dont trust any of you either. I just appreciate the open ears this forum provides, and the possibility of constructive advice.

    I have known both of them since maybe 7th grade as names. In 10th grade, I sat next to A in an english class that had quite a bit of time. We got to talking and realized after a few months that we had a lot in common...not that this was said but i am assuming it was mutual. This eventually led to hour long aim and phone conversations about life and the works. meaningful at least in part. If you need to visualize her, she has long brownblonde hair, pale skin, quite attractive, a non american face (welsh? french?) and is usually very quiet and brooding, often depressed, has trouble sleeping, wishes she was a vampire, doesnt eat much, hears voices occasionally, doesnt like people touching her

    I managed through effort to worm my way into (no not her pants you dumbass) her social circle of friends - saturday movie nights usually, but also other outings--pool (the one with cues), movies, lunch, etc. And realized that she had a boyfriend. Crap

    So I compromise with myself that since it was a combination of attraction and connection that I liked her, that I would at least be happy counting her as a friend. Not that i didnt shed a few tears, but still.

    Knowing her friends, I met B. B is more willing to flirt playfully, more open, and i feel more immediately comfortable around her, an artist that knows she needs more talent, smart, more talkative than A. wants to fly, not be invisible, black hair, a little overweight by American standards but still very attractive. During 11th grade (this year) she is in my math class, so I began sitting with er and eating lunch with her. She of course also has a boyfriend. Crap

    Winter comes. A breaks up with her boyfriend because he was a jerk who had nothing in common with her, was normal, decieved her, cheated on her, and wasnt committed to the relationship. <--her words not mine. Yay team. I know I should ask her out, but she was genuinely hurt by the breakup after one year of , and asking her out seemed awkward at best. We still talked and such, but she didnt seem needy for a relationship at that point. So i decide to wait.

    During this wait B breaks up with her boyfriend, who was a great guy and who I had become friends with. The breakup was because after a "mutual hugging" with him, B, and A, he had fallen for A, and wanted to break up with B to go out with A, and expected this to work. B felt unimportant and that he must not have been committed if he would drop her so quickly. I happened to be at her house at a study group a few days after, and stayed until everyone else was gone and heard the whole story, tried to listen and be comforting in whatever way i could, which amounted to saying i was confused too, he was wrong to have dumped her, and a hug.

    B seemed more open to a relationship after this break up, possibly because she seems to chain date guys, as that was her third boyfriend. As of a week ago, I had been to a few movies, a few dinners with her, as well as just the time that I had known her, and have taken up seeing her at most passing periods that is feasible.

    This last friday, A B and myself went to 'First Friday,' a downtown event the first friday of each month involving many peoples and shopping and such. Both dressed attractively, A walked between B and myself at some points holding both of us, some biting between B and me, and so on in non ual physical flirtations, if your mind needs these generalizations. afterwards we went to B's home, where after some guitar playing by me and some conversaton, B collapsed on her bed tired, under the sheets. I lay partiall on top of her, and A lay close by, her head on B, and with my hand massagin her back and occasionally soft carresses. Very good times, I feel quite content.

    Saturday (yesterday) i went shopping with A for my friends birthday party and other errands for maybe 2-3 hours, then we went to A's house, which happens to be on my street, and she lay down, and I tried to relax her. she is very tense, depressed, and possibly insecure, and somehow trusts me enough for any of this to happen.

    If I had to say who i like better (which i am loathe to do) I would say A, as i feel i have a deep connection with her after the year i have known her well, and feel that i can make her life better.

    So: I can (continue going) out with B, and lose A. I can go out with A, and dump B. I can continue trying to juggle B and A.

    The problems:
    if i ask out A, B will see it as the same type of break up that she just went through with, and i desperately do not want to hurt her like that, especially so soon after the first time.

    if i go out with B, A will be hurt for me leading her on, which is to an extent true so i couldnt deny it.

    they are best friends, I dont want to play them off against each other, and am not sure i could if i did want to.

    valentines day is coming up, and im not sure if im allowed to get them both presents, but i have to get at least one of them presents.

    they are both admittedly bi curious, which puts fantasy situations such as all 3 of us managing to coexist in a relationship in my mind, none of which seems possible in American society, and i dont know if either of them would even consider that.

    i see both of them in school every day, talk with both of them regularly on the phone and via aim, i cant run from the problem.



    mostly im confused, and seem to generally be in too deep. in case anyone needs to know for a response: this does not currently involve , tho both of them might say yes in the future (read as is not part of the issue), i havent made a serios committing ACTION to either of them (calling one of them my friend, on the lips kiss, large gifts, etc)

    any responses or questions will be answered to the best of my ability, although i will simply ignore any imature comments or tangential remarks.

    if you read this far, thanks. its nice to have someone listen.
     
  2. Steel_Avatar

    Steel_Avatar IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    3,087
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    255
    Throw up your hands and do neither. Admit to both that you can't choose, and that you value the friendships more. Find another girl, with fewer issues to deal with :)
     
  3. AeroJonesy

    AeroJonesy IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    12,940
    Likes Received:
    2
    Trophy Points:
    467
    ^
    |
    |
    |
    Good advice up there

    *Welcomes kban09 to the wonderful world of life*

    The phrase "you can't have your cake and eat it too" comes to mind. Other than that, I can't really give you much advice, other than no matter what decision you make, don't ruin your friendships. And if it's already to the point where you will lose one friendship, I'm sorry.
     
  4. Andy225

    Andy225 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    258
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    102
    ...............................
     
  5. Smelly

    Smelly IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2004
    Messages:
    705
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    120
    This is good advice, Steel is a smart guy (unless he reads my damn posts wrong, which is where I slap him in the face with my jockstrap)...
    Another thing you could do is if you're charming, you can actually get them to play with eachother enough (see, the trick is you gotta lead them into eachother in a way where they pass the point of friends) and then at the opportune time, you jump right in! Best of both worlds, baby!

    And if you're not charming, manipulative, or generally got l33t skillz, then I suggest what Steel said. Neither is worth hurting, but let them know how you feel. You're still young and got a lot to experience, so go with either suggestion! If you're looking for someone to say "Pick A!" or "Pick B!" then you're just looking for bad advice. Best of luck, dude.
     
  6. piff

    piff IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    2,352
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    466
    Well, you don't want to hurt either's feelings, yet you want to take one of the two, which is undecided for a girlfriend...you can't have all of those. Since their friendships seem to means a whole lot to you, I'd say just be their best friend. V-Day coming up, get them both something, try to keep it at the same value.

    Go meet another girl and this will slowly become a forgotten problem, not to mention a solved one.

    EDIT: Damn food, making me slower so Steel beats me to it.

    EDIT2: Just to see if I remember, did you have the squirrel/bazooka avatar?
     
  7. Steel_Avatar

    Steel_Avatar IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    3,087
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    255
    One more thing:

    If you truly care about them, you'll take my advice. If you don't, not only will YOU hurt one of them, THEY will hurt each other. How do you think the girl you don't choose will feel? Morever, if you don't emphasis the fact that you don't want a relationship with either, you'll force them to choose between themselves.

    Either way, bad things will follow. There are plenty of fish in the sea, etc etc.
     
  8. nnndave

    nnndave IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 16, 2003
    Messages:
    1,542
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    346
    Sounds to me like your in the friend zone. Forget about them both altogether, find someone who likes YOU
     
  9. Empired

    Empired IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    758
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    165

    I thought it was a groundhog with a guitar. Maybe I'm wrong :cool:
     
  10. tydon

    tydon IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2003
    Messages:
    1,534
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    165
    You still can get them both valentine gifts, as a friend, and make sure the gifts are not too elaborate. Like get em a bag of valentines candy and just tell them how much you value their FRIENDSHIP, and then move on, remaining friends with them, and search for a girlfriend.
     
  11. kban09

    kban09 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2003
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    33
    it was a squirrel with a guitar, glad someone remembers that. whee

    i guess the problem is that i am past the platonic friend stage with both of them, and feel attached to both of them. not in a jealous way, ive learned to cope since they both had boyfriends, but in the level of emotional intimacy and physical and verbal openness.

    and yeah from the objective view you guys have not going out with either seems the smartest solution. it also sucks
     
  12. piff

    piff IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    2,352
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    466
    I was close

    That's the funny thing about life, it bites, save for the few good times. But those good times outweigh anything else. Many of those good times can come from your best friends, don't push either away.
     
  13. Xynrx

    Xynrx IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    363
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    122
    From the sounds of it, from the moment you started interacting with each of them, you were 'interested.' With that said, everything said above is true; don't chase after them and don't pick one over the other. It is best to stay good friends with both and find another girl to be in a romantic relationship with.

    The problem I see (at least, if you were me it would be a problem) is that the full extent of your friendship was based (in your mind) on your desire to eventually date them. So in your mind (a guess) they are not friends, but rather, girls you want to get close to so you can date them. Here in lies the problem. If you want to keep the friendship you have with them, you are going to have to abandon this idea of dating them, and shift the meaning of your relationships with them (hard I know) to be more of a friend-type rather than a romantic-type. This would probably be unimaginably hard to think about now considering the entire time you knew them, you have thought about dating them.

    Your options:
    1. You can try hard to do what people in this thread have already suggested. You can try to be friends with them and chase after a girl that is not within your social circle - because if you don't, bad things will happen. And you know it. However, it will be extremely difficult to do, and there is the possiblity that this issue will surface again in the future. It's not going to be good for the friendship if 4 years down the road, one friend moves away and you decide it's high time to move in on the other one. She may not like it...

    2. You can pick one and screw up not only thier friendship, but your little social group aswell.
     
  14. kban09

    kban09 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2003
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    33
    some of that is true, some isnt. With A, i was interested in from the start, and having met her boyfriend (a genuine jerk who i had stopped hanging around in 7th grade) i was still interested. With B, I suppose I gave up that initial interest after becoming friends with her boyfriend, but there has been mutual interest after their breakup (im still friends with her ex boyfriend, which she knows, if that matter). the bad thing from my PoV is that something along the same lines of the group hugging thing happened with A B and me, and I cant react the same way that he did because first that didnt work and second i just wouldnt. sigh
     
  15. Smelly

    Smelly IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2004
    Messages:
    705
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    120
    You can just be really manipulative in a sneaky sort of way. You could tell them how you feel about both of them, thus flattering them both (they both have to be present of course) and then ask them both out on a date (which you will pay for both of them, of course) and if you play your cards right, one thing will lead to another and boom. You can see where I'm going with this.
     
  16. Ti-Ben

    Ti-Ben IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2003
    Messages:
    757
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    120
    Best advice you could ever get in a situation like this. Friends are better anyway, IMO. Going out with one of them doesn't mean it's gonna last forever. So in going out with A, B could get pissed and never want to see you again. But later on A dumps you for whatever reasons, and now you got neither. Stay friends with them! Don't try something stupid.
     
  17. Steel_Avatar

    Steel_Avatar IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    3,087
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    255
    You can retain that closeness without a relationship. I've got several friends who I'm very close to, and that I regularly confide in, yet I'd never dream of dating either of them.

    Then again, there's always one girl that you'd be willing to risk it all on ;)
     
  18. Smelly

    Smelly IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jan 15, 2004
    Messages:
    705
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    120
    This situation just SCREAMS "Fling". I say do it my way, that way you can claim you got both of em, if only for one night. And it's all in fun, so there's no hurt involved.
     
  19. kban09

    kban09 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 12, 2003
    Messages:
    86
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    33
    or we could all just be separated by distance in a year and a half when we go off to college...and smelly: i cant say that hasnt crossed my mind because it has (often) but it seems unlikely that anything like that happens. im not sure how often semi bi curious best friends have a romantic interest in each other, as they have known each other on a non romantic basis for 4-5 years. and if it didnt work it might blow up in my face.

    and yes the priority is staying friends with both of them...but im also attracted to both of the, and while i cant speak for them, i think they are both attracted to me.

    EDIT: smelly its not all fun, im sorry you cant see that, or i can hope youre joking. if i wanted a quick bang i wouldnt be looking at meaningful relationships in the first place
     
  20. Choogy

    Choogy IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 18, 2003
    Messages:
    1,393
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    165
    Well, I'd say to be open to them and tell them exactly how you feel about this. Be truthful, and you could let them choose. I mean, what if one feels more about you than the other...
     

Share This Page