Latest Diablo 3 News
DiabloWiki Updates
Support the site! Become a Diablo: IncGamers PAL - Remove ads and more!

Personal problem vent (long)

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by TheOgreMan, Oct 17, 2006.

  1. TheOgreMan

    TheOgreMan IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2003
    Messages:
    1,195
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    165
    Personal problem vent (long)

    I don't know what to do.

    I am now in a situation that I am extremely inadequate to deal with. This situation hurts myself and two other people. The only reason I am posting this, other than to vent, is because of the anonymity of the internet and the almost certainty that the reader doesn't know me. A neutral bystander is what I need the most--I hope.

    The background:

    A co-worker is currently involved with a guy; they have every intention of getting married. She moved to my region, leaving all of her family, friends, and contacts behind, to be with him in an area in which she knows no one. The only people she has had the opportunity to meet are her co-workers. His job has sent him away, far enough away so that he can only see her every month or so. Phone and email are their only modes of contact, and she tells him everything she does. Without fail. Everything.

    I have no self-confidence. At all. My last few years have been spent on a computer except for college and work. The few friends that I do regularly see share many of the same qualities that I do. What time we do spend together usually involves more computers, gaming consoles, or retarded movies that only we could enjoy. I have not been on a date since my senior year of high-school, a good four years ago. I have never even kissed a girl much less anything more than that. Because I do not know how to act around women in public I'm sure I come off as an ***, jerk, etc. The truth is that I just don't know what to do, say, or behave. My nerves are horrendous; I shake constantly because I fear people are constantly judging me. I can't control it without a conscious effort and with that effort I am unable to do anything else. It's basically lose-lose for me.

    About a month ago, perhaps a little longer, said co-worker asked me to spend some time with her, help her get to know the area and get her out of her house. Because she is an attractive woman and someone I was able to get to know a bit I said yes. I still don't know exactly why I agreed, but I did. We went to a bar for a few hours and talked, watched the scenery of the area. Nothing else. For some reason, of which I still do not know, I was very comfortable with her. For the first time in my life I was able to just talk. We talked about her background, mine, random world events, you name it. She told me personal things and asked them of me. Remarkably I answered. Disregarding sheer embarrassment or whathaveyou I was able to tell her that I am still a virgin, that I have nervous issues, that my family life is bad, that I spent the last five years in front of a computer. I didn't even hesitate. There is just something about her that put me at ease so much that I was able to enjoy myself, in public (around a lot of strangers, at that), for the first time. Ever.

    One of the most important things that she told me that night was this: "I have never cheated on <boyfriend's name here> and never intend to."

    Now, I will admit that prior to this I had had thoughts involving her. Who wouldn't? She is attractive, charming, etc. After she told me this line the first thought that entered my head was "ok then, nothing will happen". As far as I was concerned nothing would ever happen. She was taken, I have nothing to offer her, physically or otherwise, she wouldn't have me for anything. I know it is hard to believe but after that night I never imagined a single scenario in which anything remotely intimate would happen. The idea of "co-work and I having sex" would immediately prompt thoughts of "she's taken...you aren't attractive...you wouldn't be able to do anything regardless...". After just the idea I couldn't imagine past that because of those thoughts. Nothing would come of it.

    After that we were together a lot. She is someone that I am comfortable with. She is the first person who ever complimented me. She made me feel like I wasn't a total failure of biology. Out of this relationship I got advice, a good friend I could talk to about anything, and a means to get away from my computer. Out of the relationship I thought that she got a new friend, someone to show her the new city she moved to, and someone she could trust in total confidence about anything. For a bit this was how it was.

    We went to bars a few more times or just stayed at her home watching movies or whatever. For a few days I stayed at her home while some renovating was being done to my home (with the consent of both her and her boyfriend). Other than that only three times have I stayed past midnight or slept at her home. Each time I stayed the night I stayed in the guest bedroom, never thinking anything of it. Only once have I even stepped foot into her bedroom and that time she wasn't there (I saw a photo album I wanted to look through). NEVER did anything happen. NEVER did I think anything would happen.

    Apparently she is a flirtatious girl. I knew this but thought nothing of it. I thought of it only as who she was. I was already to the point where I knew nothing would happen so I mostly disregarded it. I probably flirted back some--in private--although I know I'm probably bad at it.

    Well...an event happened. We will disregard what the event is because I don't think it is really important. The important part is that nothing happened (no kiss, sex, drugs, or rock and roll) but that it wasn't proper. Something meant as a joke to see her reaction, and was approved of by another co-worker (who was part of the joke), back-fired. I must reitterate this: said event was meant as a joke and nothing more. Before the event happened, however, I learned that said boyfriend would not appreciate something along those lines. I immediately called off the event (to the dismay of other co-worker and fiance) and told my friend what I had planned. She told her boyfriend.

    The short of it is that he did not appreciate even the thought of the event. He now hates me. He called me and threatened me should I have anything to do with her again. He is angry at her for being with me so often. From sources we still are not sure of he was told that we weren't "just friends". He was told that we have been sleeping together, that I stay at her home nearly every day, that any number of things we shouldn't be doing we have done. None of which is true. Nothing that we did he did not hear about from her. Like I said, she tells him EVERYTHING.

    I tried to explain myself, my intentions, and apologize for my lack of forsight in my joke. The only responses I could get were that I am a liar and I had better not be near her again.

    Now, even, she does not believe me in my intentions. She thinks that I am lying when it comes to how I think of her. She is dissappointed with my idea of a joke and, mostly, my lack of forsight in the matter.

    So now I have several problems. First is that a guy that I wanted to become friends with hates me. A friend that I had no longer trusts me and is probably beginning to hate me. He is doubting her and her intentions so their relationship is on the rocks. My nerves and social anxiety, which I thought were improving, are getting worse. Who knows what other problems will arise from this?

    I realize now some of the mistakes that I have made. Some of them I warned her about because I know that I make them, yet an unable to realize that I am making them until too late. I fully accept responsibility for much of what happened, regardless if the fault is actually mine. The event, of which I am not mentioning the exact nature of, while meant to be a joke and only a joke, was a terrible idea that I should have thought through more. Hindsight is 20/20, eh?

    I apologize for the length of this post. I needed to vent and, hopefully, get some insight and advice. What could I have done differently? Did I really do anything wrong? Did I do anything right?

    If I can clarify things for accuracy I will but I believe that I have said more than enough. If you have read this then you have my thanks. Venting is good, I think, even if it is as an anonymous.
     
  2. bladesyz

    bladesyz IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2005
    Messages:
    2,027
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    255
    Sounds like said event was a pretty serious ****-up.

    Sorry to say this, but you're SOL. Once you lose someone's trust, either deservingly or undeservingly, its very very hard to gain it back.

    If you want to regain this friendship, the only thing to do is to perservere and hope that your sincerity will get through them one of these days.
     
  3. llad12

    llad12 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2003
    Messages:
    6,189
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    466
    You need to get out more often Ogre ... :laugh:
     
  4. TheOgreMan

    TheOgreMan IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2003
    Messages:
    1,195
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    165
    I try. :sad2:

    That is one of the main reasons I value her friendship so much; she gets me out and into public.
     
  5. mhl12

    mhl12 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2004
    Messages:
    3,970
    Likes Received:
    8
    Trophy Points:
    466
    that was a long and intense read.

    Since we don't know what the "event" was supposed to be, I can't really help you that much.

    All I can say is that the truth is always better in these situations. In your case, you were smart to tell the truth but it seems that the girl and guy did not understand that. The best way that I see to resolve the problem is to explain it to them just like how you explained it to us. You dont have to go into that much detail about your life, but tell them about what you wanted to do as a practical joke and how it backfired and you never meant any harm.

    One way is just to write it all out. If you can't confront them, just email/mail it to them or something. Best of luck to you.
     
  6. llad12

    llad12 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2003
    Messages:
    6,189
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    466
    I understand, but regardless of how this relationship turns out, use what you have gained from your friendship to meet other people and socialize. You now know that you can talk a woman and even relax while doing so. Bring that out again with other people in other places.

    Ogre, listen to this old man for a minute and believe what I say: Enjoy your life. We are only on this world a very short time. Make your time here ... full and rich.

    Have courage. Just be yourself (as you have already done with your lady-friend) and the relationships that you so desperately seek will simply blossom before your eyes.





    Best Regards,

    Llad :thumbsup:
     
  7. {KOW}Spazed

    {KOW}Spazed Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2003
    Messages:
    11,578
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    If you haven't try and get a serious time to explain everything you just told us to her and tell her you are sorry.

    Other than that there is nothing you can do, you can't force someone to like you.

    You can still go out and talk to girls/be in public, that really has nothing to do with her. Just go out and talk to some people, sure it may be a little shaky at first, but at least you are increasing your chances and overcoming a fear.

    Saying that, I hate going out. I distrust everyone I don't know to the highest degree and am always on the alert. I understand where you are coming from, but it won't get better until you go out and face it.
     
  8. Ace_wanderer

    Ace_wanderer IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jul 22, 2003
    Messages:
    873
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    255
    When your in public dont worry about people judging you, theres no point to it even if they are judging you which they arent there isnt any point to being nervous. Take comfort in the fact no matter how bad you are with people there are people who are worse like me :).
     
  9. Module88

    Module88 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    5,722
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    466
    Can't say I fit the first profile, but I definitely fit the second one.

    Check. Except I've never been on a date.

    Check. I know how I'm supposed to act, but that doesn't do much good if I don't play the part.

    I say what's on my mind. Bad idea.

    My nerves are worse because I'm paranoid. I don't worry about judgement, but woe to you if you poke me when I'm sleeping. I can't control it, conscious or not.

    I may not be very old, but I can say this- get used to having your plans concerning women backfire. A lot.

    Yeah. Whoever said honesty was the best policy LIED. Believe me, I know.

    So she said to her boyfriend that you did improper things when this wasn't the case? I have an idea, but I'll hold off for the moment.

    If you **** up, it's best to for you to spill the beans. But, taking responsibility for your actions- and respecting both their wishes- could go a long way toward fixing this problem. It's at your expense, but really, who's fault is it anyway? You made a mistake. I'm not trying to make you feel bad- I'm only trying to tell you it's human. When it comes to women, you'll make a lot of them. I know that too. And it's hard getting over it. You second guess yourself and think, "what if" more than you'd ever want to. You pray things will work out when you know that they won't, but you hang on because she's such an amazing woman you couldn't imagine spending the rest of your life without her. Love hurts. A lot.

    Perhaps if we knew what it was, we could analyze the extent of damage and a proper way to fix it. Be vague, and you'll get vague advice.

    What happened with you and your friend? ? What was this joke, exactly, that got your friend (after you were honest to him) to hate YOU? As for the guy not trusting her...

    Erm.

    When it comes right down to who you love, and what you're willing to do for someone, it hurts. To make a decision that will destroy you but save someone else's happiness is terrible. But I'm a firm believer that relationships only need selflessness to survive. Everything else will follow suit. How much do you care about her? Enough to sacrifice your happiness for theirs?

    You call this long? Please. :jig:
     
  10. {KOW}Spazed

    {KOW}Spazed Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2003
    Messages:
    11,578
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Mod, no offense, but are you really one to be giving out relationship advice? I understand the paranoia and social awkwardness(I think anyone on this forum qualifies at least a little for those), but some of us actually do have plans with girls that do work. And we don't have to lie for them to work either.
     
  11. PatMaGroin

    PatMaGroin IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Mar 29, 2004
    Messages:
    4,846
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    466
    I'm still curious as to what this aleged 'event' was.

    Was it crude, or something that could be misconstrued as a blatant come-on?
     
  12. Dondrei

    Dondrei IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2005
    Messages:
    36,855
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    467
    The only advice I would give you is not to listen to Mod.
     
  13. Star Dust

    Star Dust IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2006
    Messages:
    1,125
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    105
    Biology? No. Society? Maybe. And I'd like to make it clear that I don't mean this in a good or bad way.
     
  14. Module88

    Module88 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    5,722
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    466
    I never said plans never work. That's absurd. I'm just saying that in the grand scheme of things, they tend not to. It's possible for people to marry the first person they date. How often does this happen?

    As for the second one, I'm not saying being a liar is the way to go about a happy relationship, either. But very few women would appreciate a totally honest comment. And they're probably already taken... In other words, you need to be honest enough to come off as a dick, but not so honest that you come off as an ***.

    Edit:

    Says the guy who gave fantastic advice to him. Oh wait...

    You talk a lot don. "Oh don't listen to Mod, he doesn't know what he's talking about."

    But you never seem to give your take on the matter. When people need help, you don't help them, you criticize me. Thank you for your wonderful contribution (again), and thank you for trying to help the guy out. Have a nice day.
     
  15. llad12

    llad12 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2003
    Messages:
    6,189
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    466
    Mod, I strongly recommend that you and Ogre do not go out on a double date ... :wink2:
     
  16. Module88

    Module88 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    5,722
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    466
    A negative times a negative is a positive... so a weirdo times a weirdo must equal a normal guy, right? :laugh:

    I mean, it totally makes sense. Who's to say we're weird when we're acting in the same, conformist, fashion? :grin:
     
  17. llad12

    llad12 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2003
    Messages:
    6,189
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    466
    W * W = W^2


    :jig:
     
  18. Dondrei

    Dondrei IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Aug 1, 2005
    Messages:
    36,855
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    467
    I'm wise enough to know that there's no advice I could give him. His problems are deep and personal, the opinion of someone on an internet forum isn't going to resolve them for him.
     
  19. {KOW}Spazed

    {KOW}Spazed Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2003
    Messages:
    11,578
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    I think Everyone Loves Raymond did an episode based on that.

    Raybert.
     
  20. Module88

    Module88 IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2003
    Messages:
    5,722
    Likes Received:
    6
    Trophy Points:
    466
    ****. You got me. :embarassed:

    But obviously not wise enough to know that you can help someone without solving the problem for them. But of course, that also explains why you've criticized me for giving advice when I'm not the only one here who has.
     

Share This Page