OT: I need help with life

Drystan

Diabloii.Net Member
Please note this thread has serious mental themes and is not a happy story.

I'm sorry to post this here. It doesn't really belong anywhere - maybe the DooL, but I've never posted there. I was going to post in the EMB, but I want that thread to have positive starts to the new year, and not to be brought down by this. I am really sorry to bring the vibe down. It is 9:53pm, 31/12/2019.

My life right now is absolute hell. I don't know how much detail I'll post. I don't want to go too deeply into it. I don't think the details should really be posted.
I messed up a relationship several times. I believe I have tried to be a good person, but I have some very dark areas. Very sick aspect relating to severe mood swings, and while I wouldn't physically hurt my partner, I apparently hurt her a lot emotionally. I always thought things were improving, but not so. I have been suffering serious depression, mood swings, and suicidal thoughts for the past 6 months or more. In all honesty, this last half year, I barely remember - working 7 days a week, and drinking heavily as soon as I get home. I haven't done anything special or interesting even worth remembering. But the last few months, I have been trying incredibly hard to have a positive home life, for all that was worth...

I'm currently away from home looking after houses and pets for other people. Long story short, I had a mental swing worse than I've had before, and stabbed myself in the arm with a cheese knife. This was about nights ago - ~12:30am on the 27th December. It wasn't a suicide attempt - if it were, I'd be dead now, and there's an uncertain chance that I would've even been found yet. I lost control and felt completely overwhelmed by hurt, frustration, anger - I just lost it and wanted to hurt myself, but not intending for death.
I don't know what to do. I've just had worse news, being given until the end of February to move out of my home, while I finish up house-sitting on the 12th January. I don't want to speak to anyone of the few people I have in my life, I don't want anyone to be around me. I barely even want to go and do my visits to animals for feeding, but I still have to. They would be ok, but I'm the only one looking after them.

I don't know if I want to give up and be miserable, or if I no longer even care. I'm just miserable and have nothing nor want anyone around me.. I don't even want anything in particular. The depression has been noticeable, in that even distracting myself with games/movies didn't really help, as they aren't enjoyable. Nothing has been truly enjoyable.

That's my story for now. I don't want sympathy, I don't want advice, I don't want messages. I don't even really want to die. I just don't want to exist.

Happy new year to everyone else.
 

queenEm

Diabloii.Net Member
Drystan: please seek help!! Proffessional help. You need someone to take care of you! There are so many people suffering from mental health issues that can be helped! Just go to an emergency room that focus on mental health and tell them this. You deserve to feel better!!!
 

Drystan

Diabloii.Net Member
Should include that due to the nature of the wound, I did go to the emergency department in the morning. My mother flew down, but I don't want her around (a large part is due to having her around me all the time. I'm sleeping on the couch, so she can have the bedroom I'm staying in, but can't just watch random videos to pass time on my own, and sleep is disrupted from snoring.

Apart from that, I will be having a drug and addiction consultation, and am seeking a psych assessment for both depression and bipolar, at an unknown date. And getting my arm checked again on Thursday back at the hospital.
 

queenEm

Diabloii.Net Member
Then I hope you will let them help you and that your 2020 will be a better one! Keep us posted on how you are doing.

I send over a warm and heartfelt hug!! It might only be a digital one but hold on to it for at least 20 seconds and let the love in
 

Grisu

Diabloii.Net Member
Hey Drystan, albeit there's a lot you don't want (and understandably so!) - do you care to give us a summary when/how this started? Is it only the last 6 months? Or did it start before that and slowly got worse?

Seeing that you already addressed queenEm's recommendations, I can only share some of my perspective (as a child and adolescent psychiatrist). I don't want to give any advice (there's a saying in German: "Jeder Ratschlag ist ein Schlag" which translates roughly to "Every advice is a blow" - "Ratschlag" (=advice) containing the word "Schlag"(=blow))

I have several young adolescents as patients who have been suffering from depression, suicidal thoughts, self-harm etc for years, some without much improvement, some with only tiny improvements, some with improvement in some areas of life but not in others, some who completely recovered. They all suffer severely from the long-lasting depression and most lack a positive outlook on life, because, well, it is part and symptom of their depression. Still I feel that some really profit simply from the fact of having regularly check-ups with me, where we sometimes even don't address all the bad stuff (well, the necessary things of course), but sometimes only talk about life in general or interests (one young lady talks Pokémon and gaming with me, the other about acting and films for example). My hunch is, that while they may not necessarily "heal" from it, they at least take comfort in a relationship, that is professional on the one hand, but not (too?) hierarchical or distant on the other hand. Some of them have almost no or no other person entirely to talk to, and I am only able to see them every 4 weeks or so, but still...they keep coming back, some even telling me, that even so they don't get better, at least they have someone who's there for them and understanding. Heck, I had one guy who visted me weekly with severe suicidal thoughts and didn't talk a word, just taking walks in silence. I offered to lower the frequency, because I felt like he didn't profit from it, but he refused, telling me some months later, that without those walks with me he would have been driven mad and to suicide. But he made it through, and by now (gosh, has it been over 4 years already?) he is way better and living mostly the life he wants to.

I hope you find someone, who can fill such a roll for you - it very much depends on your and the doctors's/therapist's character to match, and not knowing much about your health care system, it might not be easy to achieve. But that's where I'd start, because if your doctor is a ****, then they won't probably much help for you and your adherence to therapy will plummet.

I don't want to sound fatalistic (that's why I told the story of the silent guy above), but sometimes one has to start slowly, trying that at least not everything gets worse, because to do more would be too much for one at that moment. Then, after some time, it might be easier to focus on other aspects again. Not feeling like socialising is very understandable in your case and maybe you can just try to take the space and free time you need from others?

One last thing though: Addiction can really mess everything up one tries, so that's a really important matter to address - seeing that you recognized it as a problem means that the hardest and most important step is already done :)

Hope you get better soon and get a good grip on life again! Keep us posted!
 

Kitteh

Diabloii.Net Site Pal
Sorry that you are going through this buddy, but I'm glad that you seem to have some incoming support for the wound etc. Do you have any coping mechanisms, for either the acute or chronic aspects? We have a charity that I volunteer with in the UK called Samaritans, which is a free 24/7 listening service which is aimed at helping people express what is going on and explore it. It's for anybody, although it is often (incorrectly) viewed as being just for suicidal people. Is there an equivalent for you where you are? You can of course phone Samaritans, but it is only free in the UK.

*hugs*
 

Pijus

Diabloii.Net Member
Watch this:

You can also try watching some Gabor Mate on youtube. Just listening to these guys talk makes me feel like I'm getting some sort of healing.
 

PhineasB

Diabloii.Net Member
That sucks, Drystan. I know you don't want advice or sympathy, so I will just share that I know quite a few people who've gone through similar experiences, and they've made it to the other side, in a good and stable place. It's good to hear that you have appointments for the physical, dependency, and mental health aspects. The folks I know had different situations, but getting one or more of those supports were important.

Hang in there, please keep posting here if it helps. Even though it may seem odd (it does to me sometimes), people here do genuinely care about each others' well-being (even though we may not know each other in RL). So positive thoughts and prayers are coming your way from me :)
 

thefranklin

Diabloii.Net Member
Sorry to hear about your story Drystan.

I don't want sympathy, I don't want advice, I don't want messages.
I can have plenty of sympathy, advice, and messages here if you want them.
 

TheNix

Diabloii.Net Member
Sorry to hear this Drystan, but even just opening up to use like this can be a bit of a pressure release. As others have said, you need to take some professional advise. And most of all, be gentle with yourself.
 

Drystan

Diabloii.Net Member
The wound is healing well, I haven't had a drink in nearly a week, and to be honest, I've probably drunk more water tonight alone than all the water I've had over the last couple months.
The bandage came off today for a check, and the wound looks serious, but is healing cleanly. It's an embarrassing or shameful reminder of what I did last year, both to my ex-, and myself. But a reminder is not a negative thing here.

I always thought I was dealing with it well myself, and I didn't want to draw others into it - the thought of judgement, embarrassment, the feelings that no one could help. The thought that I was alright just going through the same scenario day in, day out, but never feeling like I was improving - just hopeless misery, but was coping with it. I was happy whenever I talked to my partner (ex-), but she didn't see it as a relationship, so I never got the support that I felt I wanted. (And that led to feeling isolated and like she didn't care.)
I still don't think people can really help, but I will still be attending the addiction meeting that is being booked, as well as the psych meeting, to better understand what part of depression/bi-polar I may fit into. But right now, I don't feel depressed - by no means am I happy, but I am shocked by the thought that I could stab myself in such a way. I have still had a dark mood swing, and hate what I have done recently, but its that darkness that I don't want to be a part of me.

After stabbing myself, I messaged my ex- (she is my housemate for the time being,) mother and brother, and got a lot of support from them over the past several days. Being able to talk about it, and having someone watching me, along with how serious the incident is, has been enough to want to change. It's more that I could no longer, nor wanted to, deny anything. Anything asked, I had to be plain and simple with them, and myself. Opening up, and having to explain my mental state, objectively, has helped. I no longer feel like hiding the situation to people close to me or that I should "cope" just by going day to day.

@Grisu - It has been almost all of last year, including serious depression and suicidal thoughts. Some clear signs were that I started researching easy/clean ways for suicide. Another was isolating myself - I don't use FB anymore for friends, so deleted over half my friends list, isolating myself. And even the Pokemon Go community, I have gradually reduced and avoided.
But the main triggers, were that the relationship was breaking throughout the year, but I always thought it was getting better, then I'd have an extremely big mental shift, and everything would be unhappy, and I'd snap and be emotionally unstable towards my partner, again. Always severely up and down, even though I wanted and tried to be the good part of me, even though I have a very serious dark part inside me. It really took a dive June/July 2019. Most of the time everything felt like things were okay (despite being unhappy and having suicidal thoughts.) But with increasing regularity, I felt sereneness when I drove alongside a trainline, thinking about... the effects of being killed by a train. I used to feel sympathetic towards those who have to clean up after suicides, so my death would be "confined" (planning) to reduce trauma to anyone who witnessed it, or had to deal with it. But, with time, I no longer cared about that. I walked to the same trainline at midnight to wait for a freighter.
And still, I felt like I could just cope with being miserable and repeating the same cycle.

@Kitteh Yes, we have hotlines to discuss it, and the emergency department has made it clear that I should contact them (or others) before acting. Not easy when the mental swings happen, but as said, the wound is a reminder of what I have done, and I don't want to head there again.

That's all I can think of for now. It sums up quite a bit. I never thought I'd be capable of doing such a thing. Thank you for being a great community. I've spoken a lot about it, with family but just typing helps as well. It feels weird sharing such a messed up life with an online community to be honest. It doesn't belong here, in my mind.
 

maxicek

Moderator Single Player
Glad that you feel opening up to our little community helps. Over the years the SPF has seen it all - Births, marriages, even tragically deaths. People falling in love on the forum. People finding out they live in the same apartment block. For me one of the things that makes the SPF is that it is our love of the game that brings us together, but it is never just about the game.

Keep moving forward Drystan.
 

Drystan

Diabloii.Net Member
"It is a small world after all." Still, the story of two members here finding out that they lived, not just in the same town, but same apartment, was amazing.

Today has been the hardest day so far. I want to talk to someone about an incredibly scary thought, but I have no one to discuss it with. Even here is not the right place, as the topic goes beyond what I've already said here, and that pushes people away. While the thought was not on taking any action, it was how little fear I felt from the idea. I need to wait for a the psych evaluation to discuss it, or someone completely objective who wants to talk to me; IE: No one in my life right now.
But today, I'm just alone. I have had no work, I've had nothing I want to do, nothing to do. And it's painful. I'm glad it's 6:45pm, as it means I will be able to go to bed soon.
 

Pijus

Diabloii.Net Member
As far as I know, mental health has 3 components: the physical, the mental, and the environment.

The physical is about how your brain and body is functioning. Does it have all the nutrients it needs to function. That video I linked earlier talks about insulin resistance in the brain. If you have it, your brain can't receive enough glucose, without which it can't work properly.

To address the physical, you have to basically take care of yourself. Eat right, exercise, take supplements. I've taken lithium orotate before. It's an alternative health supplement, but it did help my anxiety. I've tried l-tryptophan, and that didn't do anything for anxiety, but helped me sleep slightly better. I noticed that eating and fasting changes my levels of anxiety. If I eat a lot, I get restless. If I fast for a while, it becomes easier to concentrate.

The mental is about how you think. If you think you're a big loser or whatever, you'll be less happy than if you think positively. You can affect your beliefs about yourself and your life by thinking about them really hard. Or by going to therapy. I would suggest therapy. As a most basic suggestion, try thinking about things you did that were good. Search your memories, you'll find some. And if you find yourself starting to think negatively, stop yourself, and try to shift your focus back towards the positive. Thinking about your failures in important, but stewing in them all day is not. So learn to break out of that thought process. Again, a therapist can probably help you here.

The environment is about your life and how it affects you. If someone else is berating you or attacking you, you won't feel happy. Your environment is the hardest thing to change. But it can be done. I don't know the specifics of your life so I can't comment much on this.

As for what you should do right now, today, do exercise. Doing 3 sets of pushups(or squats) is not gonna fix you. But it's something that's good for you, something that builds you up. Something to feel good about. I would also suggest doing some Wim Hof breathing. Look it up online. You basically hyperventilate until you almost pass out. You should do this sitting down or laying down. It'll make you feel really good for a minute or two, and give you something to do with your time.
 

Drystan

Diabloii.Net Member
The video was too long, and not to my interest. :( (Sorry!) :D

Physical is alright. Even though I wasn't eating well, I was somehow sustaining on other things. I am eating a lot better, and actually feel worse. I feel nausea, light headed and like my body is almost going into shock. This is over a week of eating much better, and is more due to current mental torment and situation.

Mental is the struggle. Mental is not good at all. On every level.
Lifestyle is also difficult. Everything about it. I am now completely alone with next to nothing to do, and no real goals. It's actually going to get worse before it gets any better.
Exercise is very limited, but I'm starting to recover. Despite the wound, my left arm has been my better arm for a while. Apart from the stabbing to my left arm, I heavily bruised my right hand with lots of swelling. The left arm recovered better, although I feel strong muscle soreness and tearing if I do too much. At the moment, I'm sticking to planking.

Bruised arm below, spoilered, more for the curious.
]20200103_222008-COLLAGE.jpg
 

Kitteh

Diabloii.Net Site Pal
Glad that you feel opening up to our little community helps. Over the years the SPF has seen it all - Births, marriages, even tragically deaths. People falling in love on the forum. People finding out they live in the same apartment block. For me one of the things that makes the SPF is that it is our love of the game that brings us together, but it is never just about the game.

Keep moving forward Drystan.
We have an SPF couple?! Cayute!
 
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