My mom has breast cancer

Leopold Stotch

Diabloii.Net Member
I can't believe I'm doing this and by "doing this" I mean reaching out via internet social media or whatever the **** this is and talking about personal family shit to people who don't care (my view on social media has gone REAL downhill, which is probably a good thing).

To make a long story short, my mom said she found a lump at the end of September and got it checked out sometime in mid-October. The docs actually found two-- one she found and another one. And, even though she was trying to stay positive, she knew in her gut what it was. And I did too. I ****ing knew it and results came back today as postiive. And I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm betraying my mom right now because she's not ready to tell people and she wants this to be just family only but she don't know about y'all and I just don't know what to do and I just... I need to talk about it.

I haven't been through anything like this before. I know to give her love and support but... WHAT DO I DO???? I'm 8 months pregnant going through deep and hard bouts of depression myself and now I need to learn to shove all of that aside and be there for my mom. I live three states away from her. I can't just help her. I can't go to her house. I can't help my sister (who is giving birth THIS month, like, MAYBE three weeks but this baby might come early because he's damn near ready to join his big brothers) and take her to appointments. I can't help and watch my nephews when my mom can't. I'm HERE, three states away working a job I have grown to hate with a big (?) baby in my belly. I literally don't know what to do, if there is anything I can do. All I know is she's getting surgery soon and we go from there. Idk if she'll be here when it's my turn to give birth. I think what's killing me is I can't physically be there for her, I can't physically be there to help the family. I feel so useless.

I guess the silver lining to all of this is it's caught in time so that's gotta be good, right? Caught in time and not in the lymphnodes. What does one do when your mom or brother or sister or whoever has cancer? What do you do? I mean, love and support and cookies, sure (idk about cookies), but... what do you do for yourself, to keep yourself strong for them? How can you help when you live so far away? And God forbid something goes wrong or it comes back later and more aggressive... I'm not ready for my mom to die. I know we all die, some sooner than others, but I guess I just thought my mom would live until she became a cranky 80 year old woman. I just feel like withdrawing and not wanting to leave my house. I don't want to see anyone. I just want to go to my mom's or at least be with my family. She doesn't want to talk right now. And I totally get that. She needs time. I just feel like I'm at a big loss and I'm making me this about me and it's not. I just don't know what to do and I won't see my therapist for two weeks.
 

jmervyn

Diabloii.Net Member
Adding my prayers as well.

As for social media, this ain't it. We're a lot less toxic & a lot more sincere.

Not that I can add much actual comfort, mind you... My mother-in-law had half a lung removed & then it got into the nodes, but she smoked like a chimney-pot & was anorexic, so she didn't have the resources her body needed to fight.

Regarding your own personal state, I know you're not much on my faith, but sometimes this quote has wider applicability:
"Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand."

I've heard it used in the context that after doing whatever you can about a situation, sometimes you simply have to weather life's storms (and it's best to have developed the inner peace ahead of time).

I know the situation has you knotted up inside, and you're feeling particularly vulnerable, but try to take a realistic look at what you actually would be able to do. If you can do something beneficial or positive, do that. Otherwise all you may be doing is reverse prayer (fear) and that doesn't have beneficial results.

Not sure if any of this is of benefit, but definitely don't mean it to be negative.
 

LozHinge the Unhinged

Diabloii.Net Member
Ohhhhh.

I am hoping the best for you and your Mom and your family, Little Leo. The cancer being caught early is a blessing and there must be comfort in that but your sense of helplessness in such circumstances, which are no one's fault, can only make things even more difficult.

I lost my Dad to cancer when he was 71 y/o. He'd beaten once when he was younger and we had extra time together as a result. Look for the positives, such as they are, don't beat yourself up for things outside your control.
Believe in the best possible outcome. Your Mom will gain great strength knowing that you are going to have a lovely baby and that you are going to be a lovely mother yourself.

Much love to you all.
 

krischan

Europe Trade Moderator
All the best to your mother and to you, Leo.

Cancer is a terrible thing, but perhaps a few rational thoughts will help you. Breast cancer affects a body part that's not essential for surviving and I guess your mother is past her child-bearing time. It seems it has been detected early, so chances are good that is hasn't spread yet.

I doubt your mother expects you or your sister to be with her all the time now during the last weeks of your prenancy. I guess her worry is that you worry too much and that you have to weigh her welfare against your baby's. You probably call her frequently on telephone, but if your situation allows it, you could visit her over a weekend after the surgery. I' don't know how much travel these "three states away" mean, however.
 

Dredd

D3 Off Topic Moderator
You and your mom are in my thoughts, Leo.

I have an aunt who beat breast cancer about 10 years ago. If your mom's was caught early enough (and it sounds like that's the case), there's a good chance she'll beat it too. Support your mom as best you can and stay optimistic not just for her sake but for yours as well.

Also, adopt this simple mantra (I mean it too): Fúck Cancer.
 

Leopold Stotch

Diabloii.Net Member
Thank you, guys. I needed some time to process, not feel as vulnerable as I did, breathe, and relax. I have been trying to drink more water and yesterday was just a tough day physically. Needed to vege out, prop my feet up, and lose myself in a game. I just really want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart.

I'll pray for her, Amanda. And for you.
Thank you, J. /big hugs

Adding my prayers as well.

As for social media, this ain't it. We're a lot less toxic & a lot more sincere.
True dat, Merv. <3 Thank you.

Not sure if any of this is of benefit, but definitely don't mean it to be negative.
I did not take it that way at all. The quote is beautiful and strong. Thank you. <3 My mom smokes a lot too. And has diabetes. Funny story, earlier in my pregnancy, I got asked a question about smoking. I was like, "Nah, I don't, Nurse, but my mom does. Am I going to be effected when I see her in the summer?" Something like that. We talked a little, she gave me a pamphlet about how to quit smoking and suggested I talk to her about it. I'm like, "She's not going to like this." And the nurse said, "Well, maybe you can leave it on her table or on her nightstand, some where where she will see it." So, i did just that. Went and saw her in July and my last night there, I left the pamphlet on her dresser. Didn't hear anything about it for months until I talked to her the beginning of this month when she told me she found the lumps. "And I found that little pamphlet you left me back in July and I have to say I did not appreciate that at all, but I kept my mouth shut." And I busted a gut (and, because my nose was bleeding at the time, my nose busted out some more blood too) and told her, "I knew you wouldn't. The nurse suggested I talk to you about it, but she don't know you like I do and I told her it wouldn't work. She suggested I leave it some place and so I did." I'm pretty sure my mom chuckled too.

You probably call her frequently on telephone, but if your situation allows it, you could visit her over a weekend after the surgery. I' don't know how much travel these "three states away" mean, however.
Thank you, Kris. Gotta find her on a good day to talk. Wanted to call her last night but she changed her mind (understandably) (will elaborate more on that later). My mom is about 2432 km away from me.

I have an aunt who beat breast cancer about 10 years ago. If your mom's was caught early enough (and it sounds like that's the case), there's a good chance she'll beat it too. Support your mom as best you can and stay optimistic not just for her sake but for yours as well.

Also, adopt this simple mantra (I mean it too): Fúck Cancer.
If I could ****ing drink to that mantra, I would. Thank you, Dredd. You're absolutely right: I need to be strong for her and myself. It's important for everyone here.

I found out last night that Ma's gonna do chemo. I guess I thought that she wouldn't because of the surgery and that they would keep an eye out or surgery first then we'll see where it goes/what will happen. But, nah, she texted that she was defintely going to be starting it and I wasn't expecting that. Wanted to talk to her a little more about that but she wasn't feeling it. I get it. She's not ready and I'm too emotional out of all 3 of us (me and my two siblings). The last thing I'm sure my momma wants to hear is me crying again. I would blame horomones but I was emotional before bebeh so... /shrug

Where's that damn cat poster that says "Hang in there?" Lol. But it's true. Gotta be strong, hang in there. Thank you guys for being awesome and letting me vent for several seconds. I'm gonna go get ready for work.

<3
 

jmervyn

Diabloii.Net Member
True dat, Merv. <3 Thank you.
Just think of us as anti-social media. Wait, not sure that's right...
Didn't hear anything about it for months until I talked to her the beginning of this month when she told me she found the lumps. "And I found that little pamphlet you left me back in July and I have to say I did not appreciate that at all, but I kept my mouth shut." And I busted a gut (and, because my nose was bleeding at the time, my nose busted out some more blood too) and told her, "I knew you wouldn't. The nurse suggested I talk to you about it, but she don't know you like I do and I told her it wouldn't work. She suggested I leave it some place and so I did." I'm pretty sure my mom chuckled too.
My Mother-in-Law was offended by the anti-smoking crusaders, & I kind of sympathized with her views. What happened to 'my body, my choice'? The risks of 2nd-hand smoke are drastically overstated, and often used as an excuse to rob smokers of legal rights. There's many, many things that are at least as dangerous as smoking, particularly if the smoker isn't a true addict; the risks that krischan faces from Chernobyl are probably more significant than those faced by a casual cigar smoker.

That said, it's still a deadly habit over time. Cigarettes in particular; they don't even really have the flavor of tobacco assuming one actually enjoys the flavor. It's outright offensive that the American establishment is now crusading against e-cigs because a handful of people used them to inhale dangerous substances, when they apparently are fantastic for both cutting the health risk & weaning an addict off nicotine.

I found out last night that Ma's gonna do chemo. I guess I thought that she wouldn't because of the surgery and that they would keep an eye out or surgery first then we'll see where it goes/what will happen. But, nah, she texted that she was defintely going to be starting it and I wasn't expecting that.
It's probably for the best, even though it'll be hard for her (& hard for you to watch). My M-i-L had 1/2 a lung removed & didn't do the chemo for very long, & her cancer came back w/i a couple of years.

There's a newer minimally invasive treatment that uses lasers to burn out the cysts which I think is fantastic & nearly miraculous, but even then I'm pretty sure that chemo is recommended to make sure the damn stuff doesn't migrate.
 

Ariadne

Diabloii.Net Member
That's tough, and I'm sorry to hear that.

Several of my colleagues have had breastcancer. All had it detected in time, and got treatment. They're lives are never the same again, but not worse, just different, more aware of how precious life is.
Breast cancer treatment is very advanced and there's a lot of knowledge about it. So there's a good chance your mom will be ok. No definite knowing she will be, there never is, but she is being treated and is being given the best care.

But that doesn't help you with what you are going through, with what you are feeling. Knowing it's not about you, and wanting to act, wanting to do something, anything, to make it better, to be there. But that's the thing. There's nothing you can do. Your mother knows where you are, and that you and your sister are pregnant.

It's a natural thing, wanting to do something. Something horrible is happening and you want to act, want to make it go away. The best thing to do - take good care of yourself. Have your baby, try to make everything go as well as possible there under the circumstances. That won't help with the worrying, but if you take good care of yourself, and your baby, it'll be another thing your mother doesn't have to worry about. You're doing all you can to be there for her. Don't talk yourself into guilt about things that can't be helped, it won't make you, nor your mother, feel any better.
 
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