My first attempt

Holyful

Diabloii.Net Member
My first attempt

Title: Heroes
By: Me =)
Date: November 24th, 2006

This world is corrupt with hate,
Nothing can escape its grasp.

It holds onto everyone with its cold fist,
People cower in fear of evil.

They hide in there houses,
They hide behind warriors.

But no matter what they do,
The horrors will find their hearts.

They will pull at its strings,
Making a harmony of grief.

Heroes will rise,
Banish this evil for a time.

But it will always come back,
With new tricks to fuel its horror.

Nothing is safe,
But that is where angels will save us.

They sweep down,
Lifting people out of their misery.

They will fight the dark,
And lose some to its corruption.

But they will succeed,
For nothing is greater than light.

Love and hope and kindness,
Are hiding away in us.

To be unlocked,
By the one courageous enough to search for it.


I know that this is very short, but a real life problem has inspired me to write such a thing. Please go easy, for this is my first attempt at ANYTHING like this. Please leave your comments and complaints. Thank you.
 

Cooked

Diabloii.Net Member
I will not comment on structure: punctuation or spelling errors.

Like you, I am tired of the horrors of life but do try and look for good where I can find it. If we spend more time finding the good things, in spite of an insatiable media appetite for what is going wrong, we too can be "Heroes" of a sort.
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Hrm...well, I like the direction this is headed. However, it is pretty broad, so it comes across mostly as an expression of someone's feelings. That's not a problem in and of itself, but it's not as convincing or interesting as an example, say, of someone with this mentality working through a problem and finally making it in the end. If you have any plans to make this much longer or build this into something else, such as a short story, then that would be a good opportunity to add in specific characters or situations that may help this message come alive for the reader.

Structurally, this reads almost like a prayer or something like that, and the piece itself feels smooth enough, generally. There are a few line pairs that feel a bit uneven due to differences in length or rhythm (the sixth pair is a good example,) but some of these, such as the eighth pair, actually work pretty well where they are because they draw attention. With what you have so far, I'd say there are a few points that could be neater, but it does sort of flow as it is.

If you want, I can quickly point out some spelling/grammar bits and suggest fixes. Good luck with your writing, and thanks for posting!
 

Holyful

Diabloii.Net Member
Hrm...well, I like the direction this is headed. However, it is pretty broad, so it comes across mostly as an expression of someone's feelings. That's not a problem in and of itself, but it's not as convincing or interesting as an example, say, of someone with this mentality working through a problem and finally making it in the end. If you have any plans to make this much longer or build this into something else, such as a short story, then that would be a good opportunity to add in specific characters or situations that may help this message come alive for the reader.

Structurally, this reads almost like a prayer or something like that, and the piece itself feels smooth enough, generally. There are a few line pairs that feel a bit uneven due to differences in length or rhythm (the sixth pair is a good example,) but some of these, such as the eighth pair, actually work pretty well where they are because they draw attention. With what you have so far, I'd say there are a few points that could be neater, but it does sort of flow as it is.

If you want, I can quickly point out some spelling/grammar bits and suggest fixes. Good luck with your writing, and thanks for posting!
Yes, please point out the "spelling/grammar bits and suggest fixes". Im always open to learning more.

P.S. My favorite part of my poem was:

But no matter what they do,
The horrors will find their hearts.

They will pull at its strings,
Making a harmony of grief.

Especially the "Harmony of grief" part. :wink3:



 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Here’re a few more specific things I noticed:

Holyful said:
This world is corrupt with hate,
Nothing can escape its grasp.
The comma after “hate†should be a period, because grammatically, the first and second lines are two separate sentences and therefore cannot be linked with a comma. The technical way of checking this is to find the grammatical subjects, because there should be only one per sentence, and because you have two here (“This world†and “Nothingâ€) this cannot be one sentence. If that’s too hard or messy, then I’d try reading the part before a comma aloud, then pause for a few seconds, and then finish with the rest. If it sounds like each part could stand on its own, chances are that you have two complete sentences.

This error pops up in the second and third pairs as well, so the commas there need replacing.

Holyful said:
They hide in there houses
That should be “their houses,†because you’re using the word to indicate possession (i.e. they own the houses in which they hide.) For a more complete explanation of their/there/they’re, check out http://www.wsu.edu/~brians/errors/their.html, which is cited in the Fan Fiction Forum FAQ. There’s a good list of tips there.

Holyful said:
But no matter what they do,
The horrors will find their hearts.

They will pull at its strings,
Making a harmony of grief.
I will say, this is a pretty vivid image, even if the heartstrings idea is a little tired. If I’m reading this right, though, there is a small error here; “its strings†means the strings of a singular object (that is, a heart,) while “their hearts†from the previous pair would be multiple hearts. So, I’d think that “its strings†should be “their strings.â€

Holyful said:
But it will always come back,
With new tricks to fuel its horror.
This is more of a stylistic point, but “come back†and “new tricks†sound better suited to a conversation than this sort of dramatic piece. For example, “return†might be more appropriate than “come back,†since it’s a little quicker to say and sounds more formal. As for “new tricks,†try to work out a replacement word or phrase for practice; let me know if you can’t come up with anything you like and I can try to offer some suggestions.

Of course, you could just decide that I’m crazy and keep these both as they are. :wink3:

Holyful said:
They will fight the dark,
And lose some to its corruption.
The comma after “dark†isn’t necessary here, because the sentence “They will fight the dark and lose some to its corruption†is perfectly legitimate without the comma. For poetry and other similar forms, it’s acceptable to break sentences in two (or more) pieces over lines, even if there wouldn’t be commas or other punctuation at the break points. If you do that (as you do here,) then you don’t need to add a comma. This comes up for the commas in the last two pairs as well; those are unnecessary and should be removed.

A very minor nitpick: I’d use “darkness†here instead of “dark,†just based off of how this would sound.

Holyful said:
Love and hope and kindness,
Are hiding away in us.

To be unlocked,
By the one courageous enough to search for it.
Aside from the comma issue here, the comparisons in these two pairs are a bit jumbled. If love and hope and kindness are “hiding,†as you suggest in the first pair, it doesn’t quite logically follow that they can be “unlocked,†since something can be hidden away but not locked. You could probably change “hiding,†“unlocked†or both; as long as you make sure that the description matches up in both places, it’ll probably turn out well enough.

Hope that helps.
 

The Last Melon

Diabloii.Net Member
Revenants Knight is a god of writing. If he ever gets published he'll outsell J.K.Rowling.

As for the poem...I don't have much to add to what Revenants Knight said. It didn't affect me as much as I imagine you intended it to, mainly because the flow isn't smooth enough to leave any impression on me. On the whole, though, it's quite good.
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Holyful: I've a few things floating around here; if you really want, just find the threads I've started in the Fan Fiction forum.

The Last Melon: Please don't do that.
 
Top