Married life jokes

Married life jokes

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed.

The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"

- - - - -

The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".

The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.

He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:

Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.

The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:

Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.

- - - - -

I'm not the kind-of guy who objects to the wife having the last word...

I'd just wish to hell she'd get to it !

- - - - -

A friend asked the wife if I was hard to please.

She replied, "Don't know. Never tried."

- - - - -

The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.

"No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."

- - - - -

A lady with a large flowery hat was stopped at the church door by the usher. "Are you a friend of the bride ?" he asked.

"Certainly not !!!" she snapped, "I'm the groom's mother."

- - - - -

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house.

Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

- - - - -

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there:
They have no wife to go home to... or they do.

- - - - -

I found the neatest way to make the wife a more careful and defensive driver. I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the newspaper's gonna print her real age.

- - - - -

If your wife doesn't feel well gentlemen, do what I do to speed her recovery -- offer to help with the housework.

If you don't believe in "healing miracles", you oughta see the wife get well real quick every time I start to vacuum the windows.

- - - - -

A wife is that wonderful woman who stands by her husband through all the trouble he wouldn't have had to face if he would have only stayed single in the first place.

- - - - -

A man's wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She was tall, radiant, and very funny.

Well, they had a couple of drinks, and one thing led to another, and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean, how could he resist such a woman ?

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they'd had made love for hours, the man realized he had been gone for over 3 hours. "Oh no... its so late, my wife's gonna kill me !!! Have you got any talcum powder ?"

She thought to herself, "Talcum powder ? What does he want with that ?" But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands, and then he left.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy, was she ever mad.

"Where the hell have you been ???" she yelled at him.

"Well, honey, it's like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can't lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So, I went to the bar to get your cigarettes out of the vending machine. While I was there, I met this most amazing woman. She was so beautiful and, well... we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place. And honey, I'm sorry... I've been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another woman."

"Oh yeah ? Let me see your hands !" exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and said, "You damned liar !!! You went bowling again, didn't you ???"

- - - - -

At bedtime, the amorous husband prepared two aspirins and a glass of water for his wife.

"What is this for ?" she asked.

"For your headache, dear."

"But, I don't have a headache."

"Good !"

- - - - -

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his Grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing ?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist ?" he asked again.

The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."

- - - - -

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "So, Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me ?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now ? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right then, three times."

"Three... hmmm, well who were they ?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 yrs old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan... Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers; no questions asked... Well..."

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me ? I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So who was number two ?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you... Then remember how Dr. Valenti came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again... Well..."

"Oh my God !! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, who was number 3 ?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be President of the Congregation... And you were 47 votes short..."

- - - - -

I had a friend who married this girl who was determined to "reform" him.

In no time at all, she had him stopped from smoking, drinking and staying out all hours. She introduced him to the finer things of life, like art and music. She taught him to dress well and to master the rules of etiquette. She got him a top, well paying job.

One morning he took a look around and decided she wasn't good enuff for him and left her.

- - - - -

"George is the same as ever." gossiped the wife on the telephone. "All he ever thinks about all day long is sex... sex... sex."

"Now that's just not true at all." called the husband, relaxing in his recliner. "For the past half-hour, I've been laying here thinking about you."

- - - - -

The day care teacher held up a picture and asked, "What's this ?"

"A horsie." one child answered.

"And this ?" the teacher asked the class.

"A piggy." replied another youngster.

"And now this one ?" asked the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack. There was complete and total silence.

"Come on now children." she coaxed, "I'll give you a lil' hint. What does your Mommie call your Daddie when he hugs and kisses her a lot ?"

"I know ! I know !!!" said the one little girl. "A horny bastard."

- - - - -

Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife." the first complained. "I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

"You got the wrong technique my friend." his buddy replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her *** and say 'How about a little ?' And she always pretends to be asleep."

- - - - -

The wife was sick in bed with the flu this past January. And me being the dutiful lil' husband I am offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea.

I couldn't find the damn tea though and yelled upstairs asking where the hell it was.

She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's right in front of the pantry, on the third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'."

- - - - -

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon which is to be a two week "Love Boat" type cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some extra condoms before we go."

"Good idea." she says. "While you're in there, please get me some Dramamine just in case we run into rough water."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like three boxes of condoms and a couple of packages of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir." says the clerk. "But do you mind if I ask you a question... if it makes you nauseous, why do you do it ?"

- - - - -

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together doing what all newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long.

Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

He asks the bride to please bring him one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opens the door, exposing his body for the first time to his new bride where she sees all of him well.

Her eyes go up and down several times and at about midway, they stop and stare. Having lead a very sheltered life, she asks shyly, "What's that ?" pointing to a now small and flacid part of his anatomy.

He, being equally shy, thought for am minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

She, in amazement, asked, "And, that's all we have left ?"

- - - - -

Fellow I know always sez that both of his marriages have been disappointing. His first wife left him and his second one won't.

- - - - -

An elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer can not take that all that away. But... I must know, did he have a different father ?"

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who ? Who was he ??? Who was the father ?"

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".

- - - - -

Irate husband calling upstairs to wife: "How soon do you think you will be ready ? Can you at least give me a specific day ?"

- - - - -

Three old maids lived together and each owned a cat which was kept in the house for fear it would go "tom-catting".

Much to their surprise, one of the women got married, and while still on her honeymoon sent an e-mail to the other two: "You can keep your cats in the house if y'all want, but please let mine out."

- - - - -

For formal weddings the bottom of the groom's shoes are colored black, so when the couple kneels at the altar, the normally light tan color doesn't distract from the scene.

Well, one of my wife's cousins must have had a practical joker in the wedding party. As the minister called the couple forward to kneel, and they did so, suppressed giggles and chuckles arose from the congregation.

It seems someone had carefully lettered in bright yellow, the words "SAVE" on one of the groom's shoes and the word "ME" on the other.

- - - - -

A man hadn't spoken to his wife for 18 months...
He didn't like to interrupt

- - - - -

It matters little when a wife's mind goes blank...
She just forgets to turn off the sound

- - - - -

Disgusted man at a bar: "My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I've been going with her almost a year now and I never would have known she was married until my wife mentioned it just the other day."

- - - - -

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad... Mom... I have some great news for you both ! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but... she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted.

Several months later, he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane has said 'yes'. We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the same sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid !!! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married." he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee." his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what the old fool says. He's not really your father anyway."

- - - - -

According to who ya talk to, bigamy and monogamy are the same thing: one wife too many.

- - - - -

Defining marriage:
A process much like a cafeteria -- you carefully look over the choices, select what looks the best -- and pay later

An event which is called "tying the knot" -- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose

A word which always means commitment -- but so does insanity

The process of finding out the kind of guy your wife would have preferred

Is not a word, but a sentence

A delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy

An investment that pays big dividends if you manage to keep up the interest

- - - - -

One March day the wife said that the cedar paneling on the house needed re-staining. "It's still winter." I replied. "Forget it."

In April, she told me she had bought some semi-transparent stain and sealer.

I said that it was still too cold to paint.

In May, I heard her outside one day yelling for help. I got off IRC and helped her set up the ladder, so she could start staining. Then I went inside to get a beer.

As I sat in a lawn chair not far from where my wife was working, Kim, a neighbor, looked over and saw the scene.

"Aren't you ashamed ?" she asked. "How can you sit there drinking beer while your wife is up on a ladder painting your house ?"

Glancing up at the wife, I responded, "But Kim, she doesn't even like beer."

- - - - -

Under the "Things I Learned from My Wife" Department, a tip for the men out there. If you're ever at a party and want to leave, just pick the most attractive woman there and begin what appears to be an intimate conversation. Trust me ! Your wife will be ready to leave in no time, just like mine.

- - - - -

Every nite, the wife calls me to dinner exactly the same way: "Dinner's on the table -- come and guess it."

I love steaks, the T-Bone steaks she fixes aren't bad at all. Well... once you put tenderizer on the gravy.

To say that her cooking is a nightly adventure is putting it mildly. I mean how many of the rest of you have ever seen a microwave grease fire ?

Her coffee is a bit strong too... You have to be careful not to cut your lip

When we have spaghetti, it's always without meatballs. You see, her meatballs explode on impact

Honest, I'm not saying she's a terrible cook. But the other afternoon, she burned her grocery shopping list

I sat down the other evening to a meal obviously burnt. The wife said, "Now before you go and get all upset, this wasn't my fault at all. They had a fire at the carry-out."

I asked once why I couldn't have a "surprise" for dinner. She complied by soaking off all the labels on the cans and frozen food packages.



- - - - -

A man and his wife, tourists in Israel, were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. "America." the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. "She's not from the States."

"Yes I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, "Is this man your husband ?"

"Yes." she replied.

Turning to the husband, he said, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, then there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home; then realized I couldn't."

- - - - -

It doesn't take much alcohol at all to get the wife intoxicated.

Two drinks and even her hiccups are slurred.

- - - - -

If your ex-wife and her divorce lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...

Would you go to lunch or to a movie ?
 
Wife berating husband reading paper: "Lee !!! Would you please stop saying 'uh-huh'... I stopped talking ten minutes ago."

- - - - -

A man returning home unusually late was tip-toeing into the bedroom when his wife awoke and said, "Is that you Paul ?"

"Well..." he replied, "It damn sight better be."

- - - - -

Already the Mother of two rambunctious boys, the husband was thrilled when the doctor announced they were going to have twins this time. He told his wife that she should start thinking of names.

"Well, let's see." she said. "We already have Adolph and Rudolph. How about Getoff and Stayoff ?"

- - - - -

She married him because he was such a "strong, forceful man"

Then divorced him because he was too "dominating"


He married her because she was so "fragile and petit"

Then divorced her because she was too "weak and helpless"


She married him because he knew how "to be a good provider"

Then divorced him because "all he thought about was work"


He married her because "she reminded him of his mother"

Then divorced her because "she was more like a mother than a wife"


She married him because he was "happy and smiled a lot"

Then divorced him because he was "complacent and joked too much"


He married her because she was "steady and sensible"

Then divorced her because she too "boring and dull"


She married him because he was "the life of the party"

Then divorced him because "he wanted to socialize all the time"


He married her because she "knew the value of a 'buck'"

Then divorced her because she "insisted on following a budget"


She married him because he "took care of his body"

Then divorced him because he "spent too much time at the gym"


He married her because she was such a "good conversationalist"

Then divorced her because she was too "chatty"


She married him because he "loved kids"

Then divorced him because "he wanted too big of a family"


He married her because she "catered to his whims"

Then divorced her because she was too "smothering"


She married him because he knew how to "satisfy a woman"

Then divorced him because he was a "sex maniac"


He married her because she was the "girl of his dreams"

Then divorced her because she was a "nightmare"


She married him because he "loved to travel"

Then divorced him because he "couldn't settle down in one place"

- - - - -

Happily married men have a woman who cooks, loves to make love and works.

If he's lucky, the three will never meet.

- - - - -

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman --

before marriage & after marriage.

- - - - -

A man walks over to a vision of loveliness at a party and sez, "Excuse me, could I interest you in breaking up my marriage ?"

- - - - -

Speaking of the wife I think I still have the knot on my head from when she said, "I've changed my mind."

Before I could stop myself, I replied, "Thank Goodness ! Does it work any better at all now ?"

- - - - -

The wife and I were in a restaurant when this strikingly beautiful woman in a very short and low-cut black dress sundered by. My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table.

She glared at me and snapped, "Perhaps you'd like to date her too."

I thought about it a moment or two and replied, "Hmmmm... 1973 or so I think."

- - - - -

Two Howard County farmer's wives met at the grocery store. One said to the other, "How's your husband these days ?"

The second lady replied, "Oh... he can't complain."

"Land's Sake !!!" gasped the first. "I had no idea he was THAT sick."

- - - - -

Two lil' boys were discussing their futures. "I want to be a big executive for a big company and make lots of money." the one said.

"OK..." said the other lil' boy. "But what about getting married ? Are ya going to have a beautiful wife."

"No way !!!" said the first boy. "I've seen on TV that beautiful women are nothing but trouble and they always end-up leaving their husbands. I'm going to marry an ugly woman."

"OK..." said the other lil' boy. "But an ugly woman could leave ya too."

"True." said the first. "But who'd care ?"

- - - - -

The way to get your mate to do anything is to say they're too old to do it

Some husbands can become unpleasant once their wives begin to no them

Never put your wife on a pedestal -- she'll order ya around better from there

These days, an incompatible couple are two who've nothing to argue about

- - - - -

Two newly-weds were discussing the topic of children. The blushing bride said she wanted a large family, while the young husband said one would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to the discussion by saying, "After our second child, I'll simply have a vasectomy."

Without even a moment's hesitation, the bride smiled and replied, "Well... I hope you'll love the rest as if they were your own."

- - - - -

In the US, over 60 % of all marriages end in divorce.

Actually, that's probably not as bad as it sounds... considering that the other 40% end in death

- - - - -

Reason for divorce # 177:

"I'll have you know I bought this dress for a ridiculous price."

"And it goes very well with your absurd figure too."

- - - - -

Two buddies met for "Happy Hour". "It's so peaceful here." said the first. "My wife can talk on any subject for hours on end."

"You're lucky pal." his friend said. "My wife doesn't need a subject."

- - - - -

"Bet you can't guess where I've been." said the husband arriving home very late one evening.

"I can..." replied the wife, "But please... I'd love to hear your story."

- - - - -

Believe it or not, even being married to me, the wife doesn't suffer from stress -- she's a carrier.

- - - - -

The wife claims that I'm only "Affectionate"when I want something.

Seems to me that's plenty often enough

- - - - -

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the smaller piece of cake and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more !"

"Don't be ridiculous, sweetheart..." I replied, "You just cook better now."

- - - - -

The wife was on my case about not always telling her where I was going. She said she worried a lot about me, not knowing where I was and what I was doing.

I told her not to worry -- she'd probably just worry more if she knew where I was and what I was doing.

- - - - -

I was watching TV, waiting for the wife to finish getting ready to go out. She finally called down, "I'm almost ready, just a few more minutes."

I replied, "Take your time. I have to go shave again."

- - - - -

A man was sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful pop singer who was about to marry a famous football player -- big and strong, but not too smart.

He summarized the article aloud for his wife, then said, "I'll never understand how these idiots get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear !"

- - - - -

The wife and I were sitting on the beach at Hilton Head when some jock body-builder type sauntered by, wearing one of the smallest swimsuits I'd ever seen.

Noticing her eyes following his receding figure, I asked her if she'd like me to wear a Speedo.

She just smiled and simply replied, "No thanks."

"Why the hell not ?" I asked. "I've got nothing to hide."

"Exactly !" she said. "And THAT'S the problem."

- - - - -

The bride came down the aisle and upon reaching the altar, she saw the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs off to the side.

She hissed, "What the hell are your golf clubs doing here ?"

He looked her sheepishly in the eye and said, "Well... This isn't going to take all day, is it ?"

- - - - -

A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the landlady met the man in the hallway.

She said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride would like to have them ?"

"I'll ask her." the young man responded. He opened the door and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight ?"

"Hey... Clown..." she responded. "If you try to show me just one more kinky trick with that thing, I'm going home to Mother."

- - - - -

The young couple was at Howard County Office Building, applying for their marriage license. After they filled out all the papers, the clerk said, "This license is good for 30 days."

The young man said, "Neat ! This is the best news I've had in a long time. I thought these things were in force for a lotta years."

- - - - -

A little girl sees her Grandfather coming out of the shower and asks what his testicles are.

"Those represent the Apples from the Tree of Life." he answered.

Later the girl tells her Grandmother what her Grandfather had said. The Grandmother just snickered and replied "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging on ?"
 

Lord Nyax

Banned
Good lord, man. That is a hell of a long post. Most is funny...I've only read about half of them. Any way you could organize them? Maybe put
Code:
 tags around each one?
 
Here's an example:
 
Your way:
-------
I enjoy eating small kittens
 
No you don't
 
Yes, I enjoy eating small kittens.
-------
 
My way:
[code]
I enjoy eating small kittens
 
No you don't
 
Yes, I enjoy eating small kittens.
EDIT: Jesus, another one in the time it took me to compose my post...that's crazy.

EDIT#2: What's up with this?:
Code:
Already the [B][U]Mother[/U][/B] of two rambunctious boys, the [B][U]husband[/U][/B] was thrilled...
 
That took me the better part of 4 hours to cull down from the nearly 5,000 jokes on that webring. Codes.... Sheesh, kids these days

GET OFF MY LAWN!
 

Lord Nyax

Banned
What if I did it for you? Would that work for your Smeggyness? It'd seriously take me 5 minutes, I could copy out the raw code and PM it to you, then you could copy+paste it in via editing.

EDIT: Nevermind, it looks terrible. Maybe try the
 
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