Insecure Girlfriend or Iconsiderate Boyfriend?

TurfTalker

Diabloii.Net Member
Insecure Girlfriend or Iconsiderate Boyfriend?

So, my girlfriend has been getting really upset with me lately because whenever she asks me what I had done the day before, it usually involved spending time with another girl..

I'm not a skeez. I just happen to connect better with girls, thus, I have more female friends, so to me, I really don't think twice about it. Kinda how you have those friends where it's like.. ew gross.. she's like a sister to me. Am I Being inconsiderate of my gf's feelings?

I'd rather be spending time with my gf of course, but she's always busy during the week with afterschool activites.

I guess what I'm asking is: Am I responsible for her feeling this way? Or should I not feel guilty for her feeling insecure.

Anyone else have/had this problem?
 

WildBerry

Diabloii.Net Member
TurfTalker said:
So, my girlfriend has been getting really upset with me lately because whenever she asks me what I had done the day before, it usually involved spending time with another girl..

I'm not a skeez. I just happen to connect better with girls, thus, I have more female friends, so to me, I really don't think twice about it. Kinda how you have those friends where it's like.. ew gross.. she's like a sister to me. Am I Being inconsiderate of my gf's feelings?
If she's bouncing off the walls, yes you are, no matter innocent it might seem or how irreasonable her feelings might feel - you're still disregarding them. I suggest you try to make your female friends mutual acquaintances to both you and your SO. If that doesn't work, and she's telling you to make an exclusive choice, then that is what you must do. Should it come to that, I've by far too little info to tell you what to do. But you are your own best judge in that case anyway.
 

bladesyz

Diabloii.Net Member
I'd like to say no, but I'd be lying.

The truth is, I get jealous everytime my gf spends time with any other guy. I try not to be irrational, but there's always that little fear in the back of my mind.

So yeah, I understand how your gf feels.

Perhaps you could get your gf to come with you when you spend time with your femal friends. This way, she could get to know your friends and see how you interact with them. It might help her feel more comfortable knowing that you are just friends.
 

myleftfoot

Diabloii.Net Member
TurfTalker said:
So, my girlfriend has been getting really upset with me lately because whenever she asks me what I had done the day before, it usually involved spending time with another girl..

I'm not a skeez. I just happen to connect better with girls, thus, I have more female friends, so to me, I really don't think twice about it. Kinda how you have those friends where it's like.. ew gross.. she's like a sister to me. Am I Being inconsiderate of my gf's feelings?

I'd rather be spending time with my gf of course, but she's always busy during the week with afterschool activites.

I guess what I'm asking is: Am I responsible for her feeling this way? Or should I not feel guilty for her feeling insecure.

Anyone else have/had this problem?

WTF do you expect her to think?!?
 

Drosselmeier

Diabloii.Net Member
If she won't let you spend time with your friends you need to break it off now. It will never work in the long run. It's completely unfair of her to ask you to give up your friends because she's jealous and suspicious.

If she has a problem with you having other girls for friends she has a problem with jealousy, and that's something for her to deal with. It's not something that you should suffer for. If she can't sort it out then you will never have a good life with this girl. She'll make you a prisoner and a possession.

You have done nothing wrong.
 

Merick

Diabloii.Net Member
It's silly. She probably would have never met you if you weren't like this, right?
 

ragnar_ii

Diabloii.Net Member
Have you tried talking to her about it? If there is nothing going on between you and these other girls then there is no reason why it shouldn't work out.
 

SaroDarksbane

Diabloii.Net Site Pal
Drosselmeier said:
If she won't let you spend time with your friends you need to break it off now. It will never work in the long run. It's completely unfair of her to ask you to give up your friends because she's jealous and suspicious.

If she has a problem with you having other girls for friends she has a problem with jealousy, and that's something for her to deal with. It's not something that you should suffer for. If she can't sort it out then you will never have a good life with this girl. She'll make you a prisoner and a possession.

You have done nothing wrong.
I agree, but I wasn't going to lay that one on him right off the bat. I figured I'd give him time to tell us more of the story or give us updates before I told him to drop her like a hot potato. :laugh:
ragnar_ii said:
Have you tried talking to her about it? If there is nothing going on between you and these other girls then there is no reason why it shouldn't work out.
You haven't been around many women in your life, have you?
 

PFS

Diabloii.Net Member
I've been a similar position - a few of my friends are girls, including one of my best friends.

When I met my fiance I was sharing a flat with only me and a very good female friend, which took her a lot of getting used to. It did not help that my friend is a dancer...

We then had to go through a long distance relationship seeing each other once every 6 weeks or so and she had to trust me.

The only time she got really jealous was when another female friend texted me a message that *could* be intepreted as flirty (me fiance knew said friend is a bit of a maneater) but she got over it.

What it really boils down to is how much she thinks she can trust you, how well she knows your female friends and what have you done to earn trust.

I think the main issues are:
1. Is she the sort of person who can trust you.
2. Are you the sort of person who someone would trust.
3. Be a honest and open as possible - if she finds out you had dinner with a female friend at a nice restaurant from anyone but you she'll (reasonably) assume the worst.
4. MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE HER TRUST.
 

Drosselmeier

Diabloii.Net Member
SaroDarksbane said:
I agree, but I wasn't going to lay that one on him right off the bat. I figured I'd give him time to tell us more of the story or give us updates before I told him to drop her like a hot potato. :laugh:
:thumbsup:

PFS said:
What it really boils down to is how much she thinks she can trust you, how well she knows your female friends and what have you done to earn trust.

I think the main issues are:
1. Is she the sort of person who can trust you.
2. Are you the sort of person who someone would trust.
3. Be a honest and open as possible - if she finds out you had dinner with a female friend at a nice restaurant from anyone but you she'll (reasonably) assume the worst.
4. MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU APPRECIATE HER TRUST.
Some people are naturally suspicious and needy though. There are no guarantees his girlfriend will ever get over her jealousy, and it's likely she won't if she's the kind of person who needs constant affirmation and sees everything as a threat to her gf-status.

I've been with girls like that. Completely unbearable. I've been in situations at parties where a girlfriend has interrupted my perfectly innocent and polite conversations with other females to make out and feel me up in a horribly lewd way to drive of my conversational partner. That's a disturbed way to act. You can't reason with people like that, who let their jealousy push them into behaving like crazy people. There's no way you can have a normal and healthy social life while in a relationship with a person like that.

The way I see it, this guy shouldn't have to make any sacrifices or gestures as long as he hasn't done anything to rouse suspicion. If he has a history of messing around, fine. If not, she has nothing to complain about and is in no position to ask him to change his ways. That would be domineering.

This whole thing is a really classic warning sign.
 

Dondrei

Diabloii.Net Member
Well look, without knowing all the people involved and all the circumstances and so on and so forth I couldn't possibly tell you whether her suspicion is an over-reaction or not. The advice I will give you is to sit down and try to work it out and if it turns out she's just plain the jealous type and you have to choose between her and having other female friends then that's the choice you have to make.
 

Talga Vasternich

Diabloii.Net Member
WildBerry said:
Yes she is. Does it remove OP's responsibility? No it doesn't.
His responsibility is to remain faithful (which he said he has). So, unless there's a history we don't know about, she's:
A) being a paranoid flake
B) is looking to control who he spends time with when she's unavailable
C) looking for constant re-affirmation of his affection and fidelity or
D) all of the above mixed in differing portions depending on her mood.
(my guess is A)
I agree with dondrei's post about this being his decision, but he asked, so there's my opinion.
 

WildBerry

Diabloii.Net Member
Talga Vasternich said:
His responsibility is to remain faithful (which he said he has). So, unless there's a history we don't know about, she's:
A) being a paranoid flake
B) is looking to control who he spends time with when she's unavailable
C) looking for constant re-affirmation of his affection and fidelity or
D) all of the above mixed in differing portions depending on her mood.
(my guess is A)
I agree with dondrei's post about this being his decision, but he asked, so there's my opinion.
Not that I don't agree with you, but what are you talking about? TurfTalker admitted he knows his SO is of the jealous type and has expressed her grief over his female friends. Yes, I think it's completely irreasonable. But if you have a habit - quite normal and acceptable one - of calling your friends, say, fruitcakes, but one of your best friends is a very touchy one, don't you avoid calling him names, and if you do, don't you agree that you intentionally brought him sorrow by calling him thus?

TurfTalker's SO has clearly expressed the limits to which she can abide. Most people find them irreasonable, and there have been expressed sentiments and recommendations to leave the relationship at that. But as long as Turf remains in that relationship, he has to abide by directives of that relationship. Unless he does and keeps hanging with his girl peeps, no matter how innocent it may be, he has no right to expect his SO to be cool about it if it's already very clearly established she can't be.

Other people being nutcases does not one's own responsibility remove.
 

HAMC8112

Diabloii.Net Member
Drosselmeier said:
Some people are naturally suspicious and needy though. There are no guarantees his girlfriend will ever get over her jealousy, and it's likely she won't if she's the kind of person who needs constant affirmation and sees everything as a threat to her gf-status.
Or... she just knows him. :smiley:
 

thegiantturtle

Diabloii.Net Member
WildBerry said:
Not that I don't agree with you, but what are you talking about? TurfTalker admitted he knows his SO is of the jealous type and has expressed her grief over his female friends. Yes, I think it's completely irreasonable. But if you have a habit - quite normal and acceptable one - of calling your friends, say, fruitcakes, but one of your best friends is a very touchy one, don't you avoid calling him names, and if you do, don't you agree that you intentionally brought him sorrow by calling him thus?

TurfTalker's SO has clearly expressed the limits to which she can abide. Most people find them irreasonable, and there have been expressed sentiments and recommendations to leave the relationship at that. But as long as Turf remains in that relationship, he has to abide by directives of that relationship. Unless he does and keeps hanging with his girl peeps, no matter how innocent it may be, he has no right to expect his SO to be cool about it if it's already very clearly established she can't be.

Other people being nutcases does not one's own responsibility remove.
Or he could put the choice up to her. He could say that he is not going to change his behavior and let her decide if she can handle it or not. I think that is probably the best option.
 

SaroDarksbane

Diabloii.Net Site Pal
WildBerry said:
But as long as Turf remains in that relationship, he has to abide by directives of that relationship.
And of course, the woman in the relationship is the ultimate source of all directives.

Why don't you come at this from his angle? If his directive is "I'm going to spend time with who I want." then doesn't she have the responsibility to abide by this or deal with it?
 

Talga Vasternich

Diabloii.Net Member
WildBerry said:
But if you have a habit - quite normal and acceptable one - of calling your friends, say, fruitcakes, but one of your best friends is a very touchy one, don't you avoid calling him names, and if you do, don't you agree that you intentionally brought him sorrow by calling him thus?
I still call them a "fruitcake". If it hurts their feelings, I tell them to get over it. Friends of mine aren't so thin-skinned. If they are, I consider it my duty as a friend to help them get over it.
WildBerry said:
TurfTalker's SO has clearly expressed the limits to which she can abide.
From what was written, she hasn't. She just gets upset.
WildBerry said:
Most people find them irreasonable
Yep.
WildBerry said:
But as long as Turf remains in that relationship, he has to abide by directives of that relationship. Unless he does and keeps hanging with his girl peeps, no matter how innocent it may be, he has no right to expect his SO to be cool about it if it's already very clearly established she can't be.
You are right. If he stays and continues to meet with his friends, she'll continue this nonsense, and he has to expect it. That doesn't make him wrong in the least. ~edit~ unless you think he should limit his friends to men onlyIf she can't trust him, she should get out and find someone who is spineless enought to put up with that kind of nonsense.
WildBerry said:
Other people being nutcases does not one's own responsibility remove.
Unless he has strayed, he has fulfilled his responsibility.
 
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