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I miss having someone to share my life with

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by raffster, Sep 28, 2006.

  1. raffster

    raffster IncGamers Member

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    I miss having someone to share my life with

    The proverbial "You only really know what you have until you lose it" is perhaps the greatest of all the realizations I've had since my wife and I separated seven months ago. The millions of "ifs" and "should haves" are nothing more than painful reminders of how my marriage could have blossomed into a beautiful relationship my wife and I could be sharing by now.

    I am all alone now. After 12 years of knowing each other, of being with someone, now just suddenly alone.

    I pray that those in the forums who have a special other and is on the same path I was on realize soon enough that love has a price and no matter what others say it is not free. Take full ownership of your relationship and do not let a day go by without wondering how you can make things better. In the end nothing else in this world is more important than that person you have dedicated your life too.

    I have realized this too late. Although I am happy that I still came to this understanding. Perhaps in due time when I am ready to love again, whether it is still my wife Cindy or someone else, the hurtful path I took that almost destroyed my partner in life is a path I will avoid even if it should cost my very life itself.

    Another night I retire with no one beside me...another day I come home with no one to share my day with...I can but only remember the times I was not alone and hope that someday I will be with someone once again.
     
  2. Stompwampa

    Stompwampa IncGamers Member

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    wow. I don't know what to say. Sorry, man. We'll keep you in our prayers.
     
  3. Amra

    Amra IncGamers Member

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    For me with my pending divorce all I can say is keep busy. We've been apart 5+ months. I love coming home to an "empty" house.

    I've got my job, the fire dept, reading, the outdoors, all the outside yardwork and housework in general. I keep busy enough. Plus I hang in chat and talk online.

    Be bold and find yourself without needing someone to complete you.
     
  4. superdave

    superdave IncGamers Member

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    you are breaking my heart raff...

    truer works were never spoken.
     
  5. Ash Housewares

    Ash Housewares IncGamers Member

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    I've never met your wife, I've only spoken with you, and I know you're there, that you're a man in your own right

    we here all know you as you, not as cindy's husband
     
  6. raffster

    raffster IncGamers Member

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    Thanks, guys. It just really feels so weird and surreal. I'm drifting into one of those Twilight Zone modes...torn between reality and fantasy.

    I feel like packing up a suitcase with a few weeks worth of clothes, take a bus to nowhere (not sure if it exists) and just get off when I don't have anymore money to pay for fare.

    I'm reaching a point in this separation where I kind of know what I'm going to do next but I'm not sure if I should even still hope that this marriage is going to work or not. I feel that it's not wrong to hope (my spiritual side) but I feel like hoping somehow holds me back.

    Amra haven't you been tempted to look "elsewhere" -- I mean start dating again. I dunno man, I've always been a hopeless romantic and I guess I'm just wired that way. This has been the first time I was alone (relationship-wise) since 18!!! And I'm turning 35 on Saturday.
     
  7. Dondrei

    Dondrei IncGamers Member

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    I don't mean to be rude, but you really should try to move on. If you can't stand being alone then you need to find someone new, you've no doubt learned your lessons and won't make the same mistakes again (if you made any, I mean I've read quite a few of your threads but that doesn't mean I really know you or your situation).

    *EDIT*

    Oh, the one above me got in just before I posted this.

    I'd say after seven months it's definitely over. Too much romanticism is just going to hold you back, my advice is to be brutally honest with yourself and take stock of your situation.
     
  8. jimmyboy

    jimmyboy IncGamers Member

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    I may be crazy. But have you thought about calling her up and asking her out on a date?

    I think Richard Burton married Elizabeth Taylor three times. Which of course means at least two seperate divorces.
     
  9. Module88

    Module88 IncGamers Member

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    Without confidence, dreams, and hope, what can you possibly have in life? Hope never held anyone back. It only kept them going. What direction, however, is entirely up to you.

    Despite our best efforts, we could only offer you realization and hope. But we couldn't change what happened or why. Hell, we can't even control what will happen. But our advice can only push you so far, be that we are humans as well. For my part, and my inability to do more, I apologize. I hope you don't mind I share this post with the people I know. I'm sure you understand. In the mean time, friend, remember that without confidence- without hope- happiness is but a dream. If you ever need anything, we'll be here.
     
  10. superdave

    superdave IncGamers Member

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    did you lift that from a readers digest?
     
  11. Module88

    Module88 IncGamers Member

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    Err... what's a reader's digest? :shocked:
     
  12. Dondrei

    Dondrei IncGamers Member

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    It's a crappy little book full of saccharine pap like that.
     
  13. Quietus

    Quietus IncGamers Member

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    I know the feeling of being alone quite well, as I went through a messy separation/divorce - all seemed well, then the world exploded, or so it felt like. One night she and I were doing as usual, the next, I'm sleeping in my parent's basement, in another city.

    However, that was nearly two years ago. I've had plenty of time to think. Ultimately... I don't regret anything that's happened, or any choices I made along the way. I think, with time, you'll come to be much the same.

    I know from reading other threads you've put up that you want to get back with your wife. I'd like to ask you this - why? Don't just say that you love her... love is too many things all at once. Pick out WHY you love her. What do you love about her? It's all those little questions that men are portrayed as being afraid of women asking, that you need to ask yourself. It's a painful process, I won't lie - it was easily one of the most dificult things I had to do in my life. In the end, I realized that I was with the ex because I wanted companionship. I wanted to feel like I was better than people had told me I was, I wanted to feel desirable. And the largest thing that I found that was tying me to my ex was what others thought, or would think.

    I was terrified of what people would think - her, her parents, our friends, my family, our church. I didn't want to deal with the fallout when people realized that I'd cut the final string. That, I determined, was the most important thing holding me there. I had to decide what was more important to me - my happiness, or what people thought of me. I cut that string, and dealt with the fallout.

    Perhaps you need to do the same. Figure out what it is you miss, why you want your wife back. What is it about her that puts her above other women, in your mind? What made you decide to propose to her? What worries did you have on your wedding night, thinking about everything you would lose when you said those two little words?

    Try writing down a list of the pros and cons of the two of you getting back together. Be brutal with it. If you want sex and think that would be a pro of being together, count it. If you think it's a con, write it down. Even write down anything that comes to mind but doesn't automatically head to one side or the other. You don't have to show this to anyone else, it's just to help you figure out what's important in your life. Maybe, instead of trying to meet a set of ultimatums she's set out, it's time that you tell her that if you aren't good enough for her as you are, that mistakes were made, and it's time to move on.
     
  14. myleftfoot

    myleftfoot IncGamers Member

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    You didn't destroy her life, she made her own decisions all the way. She got her problems and so do you. Don't feel sorry for her or yourself. Don't be a martyr for your own cause, move on. BOTH of you need to Forgive & forget.
     
  15. HockeyChic

    HockeyChic Banned

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    I agree with Amra. Take a deep breath and move forward. You never know, gaining the ability to do that may gain your wife back. Even if it doesn't, you could either find someone new or find out you really don't need anyone but you. Believe it or not, that's a pretty good feeling.
     
  16. skihard

    skihard Banned

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    You need me and you know it, granted I don’t always hear what you say and granted, I do frequently just assume that you will always be home when I get there, and granted I don’t know what it is I’ve done to deserve you, but still I can always rest comfortably in the knowledge that at least you’ve never had better sex, unless you've been lying every time you tell me that. Wait is that part of your plan, are you just using me for sex?

    @Raff- move on dude, my first wife, *****-lady-the-evil, told me she wanted a divorce while I was in Haiti in the Army, she told me that if I wasn’t where she was in 2 weeks that it was over, that she couldn’t handle us living apart (she was in the Army also and my orders to go to Hawaii were put on hold because of the Haiti thing) any longer and that I needed to do something. Well I alter a lot of my life to get compassionate reassignment orders only to have her tell me it was too late. Well after I got back to New York from Haiti and was a scumbag to a couple of women I was over her and then met HC, someone I can’t imagine spend my life without. All in all things turned out for the best. Perhaps you needed this to happen to prepare yourself for the one you are meant to be with. Sorry just the chic in me coming out there.
     
  17. MadMachine

    MadMachine IncGamers Member

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    Totally true.

    Amra, I truly, really, admire you. That's strength.

    Again, so true.

    I really don't think that you NEED to be with someone, raff, you need to be strong on those two feet before you can even commit to anyone. Anyone you get with in your current state will just chew you up and spit you out and I don't want to even think about how you'll feel after that.

    Go camping. Make it week. Scratch that. Two months. Load up your pack with non-perishable vittles, go out to the back country and just hang. If you want to be romantic about something, enjoy the scenery and majesty of the world. :thumbsup:
     
  18. ModeratelyConfused

    ModeratelyConfused Banned

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    Like everyone else, I don't mean to be rude, but you seriously need to move on. That part of your life is over, coming here and whining to us about it won't change anything.
     
  19. raffster

    raffster IncGamers Member

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    I just want to thank you all for your replies. Many of your insights have definitely given me a clearer perspective of what I ought to be doing, instead of what I should be "fuzzing" about. Today I will write down that list that quietus posted. I will be as bold and honest as I could possibly be.

    skihard -- I have often thought that thinking about finding someone else (at this time at least) was a selfish thing, almost even adulterous in nature. (That's just my Catholic side -- I guess). But when I am no longer in this rut I think I will be able to better discern what it is I really have to do in order to move forward.
     
  20. HockeyChic

    HockeyChic Banned

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    Excuse me while I rip on my dear husband for a moment. . .

    You know my ex was stupid enough to say that I needed him. I explained to him what I will now explain to you:
    I do not need you. I choose to be with you because I love you for many reasons, although for the life of me I'm struggling to think of one at the moment.
    There is a big difference between need and choice. In return, I know you do not need me. This is one of the beauty's of love as I see it, that you choose to be with someone. It would be miserable to think that any adult would need another in order to have happiness.
    I would say much more, but I have to work.

    Now back to the conversation.
     

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