Latest Diablo 3 News
DiabloWiki Updates
Support the site! Become a Diablo: IncGamers PAL - Remove ads and more!

How to help someone break up with someone they're afraid of? der=0

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Matt, May 23, 2005.

  1. Matt

    Matt IncGamers Site Pal

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    4,163
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    467
    How to help someone break up with someone they're afraid of?

    I'm not going to go into details, but heres the short(er) version:
    This girl and I really like eachother, and would almost certianly be together, if she wasnt already with this other kid, who is currently living out of state.

    Basically, hes a pretty scary kind of kid, and she deserves much better, which she has recently (actually more like a couple months...) realized. Problem is, shes afraid to break up with him, and her other friends and I are both worried she may have reason to be afraid of him, hes just so unpredictable and potentially volatile.

    Problem is, hes never actually done anything illegal, and if he had, she couldnt prove it, so theres no legal grounds to get a restraining order as far as we can tell.

    She has said she really wants to break up with him, so its really only her fear of him keeping her from doing it. However, we simply cannot come up with a way to keep him away from her for any extended period of time.

    Oh yeah. The kid is coming up this weekend, for the purpose of seeing her.

    We're worried about this weekend for a few reasons:
    1. He could suddenly turn on his charming side (hes someone people like when they first meet him, but its really his "good half", he makes her cry all the time, and has in the past been close to, though never "legally" abusive) and she may be so caught up in seeing him again, that she'll be swept away by him, and wont break up with him for a long while. I dont think this is too likely, as she is REALLY afraid of him, and pretty much hates him at this point, but you never know.

    2. If he wants to have sex with her, and they're alone he simply is not the kind of kid to take no for an answer, and physically and probably mentally (he can be intimidating, and shes already afraid of him), she simply couldnt refuse if he was set on it. From what I hear, he will want to have sex with her, and I know she will NOT want to do so much as hug him.

    I guess we're worried it will either get a lot better between them (not good, since as I've mentioned before, his good side is meerly a cover for his borderline abusive and downright mean side) or that it will get a lot worse, obviously not good.

    The only solutions we've come up with are:
    1. Get some guys to hang out with them this weekend, or her dad or something, and she breaks up with him then, of course, that keeps her safe for the weekend, but she cant hide all summer.

    2. Go for a restraining order. Her mom hates the kid too, and she was 15 when they started going out (shes 17 now, 18 in august), and he was 18, so we could look into stauatory (sp) rape charges, which we could use to get a restraining order. They didnt have sex when she was 15 though, so I'm not optimistic about how that would come out.

    The best we've come up with so far is basically break up with him now, and carry mace with her. Theres always things like her father telling him to stay the hell away from her, or going for a restraining order, but I guess those are just not sure enough, he can still get to her if he really wants to.

    I guess I'm looking for any ideas from anyone about any ways (legal system or otherwise) which would be practical to help ease her fears about this kid, and let her do what she wants, break up with him.

    As this is a very serious issue, and is very important to me, I would ask that we please keep it to serious responses, thanks.

    Thank you for any help.

    -Matt
     
  2. Steel_Avatar

    Steel_Avatar IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    3,087
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    255
    I do have to question the one-sidedness of this post, especially given your vested interest in the situation.
     
  3. DrunkCajun

    DrunkCajun Banned

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Messages:
    5,249
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Can't speak to the dangerousness of this guy and the like. While I've been in your position before and dealt with very similar circumstances, in retrospect the guy was not nearly as dangerous or volatile as I had made him out to be, and while he flipped out about being broken up with, screamed and yelled when it happened, nothing much beyond that took place.

    In terms of what to do to keep her out of situations she doesn't want to be in, ie sexual encounters, she plainly shouldn't spend a moment with him alone. Be certain there are other friends around, be they girlfriends, other guys, parents, whatever (and just having them in the house isn't good enough, it needs to be a situation where they're all hanging out together the entire time), and she should be fine. Her friends just have to realize that their job is to not let her out of thier sight at any costs all weekend and she'll be fine.
     
  4. Matt

    Matt IncGamers Site Pal

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    4,163
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    467
    A perfectly fair question. I'm not making this up to try and convince myself she wants to break up with him and be with me, she has plainly told me and many of our mutual friends just that. She has said that she is afraid of him, that she wants to break up with him, that she wants to be with me, and that the reason shes not breaking up with him is that she is afraid of him.

    I do certianly have an intrest in them breaking up, thats true, however, my goal is not to break them up behind her back. We've talked about it before, a little more casually, but some mutual friends (including her 2 best friends) and I have been talking recently, and have decided that we need to do more than just be there for her, we need to proactively help speed things up. She has said she is unhappy with him, and doesnt want to be with him.

    So yeah, I do have an intrest in them breaking up, however, thats really not my primary motivation... that more fuels my actual motivation, which is that it kills me to see her so unhappy, and not know what to do. So yeah, her friends and mom and basically everyone who knows her thinks she needs to break up with him, its just gotten to the point that 3 of us, probably the 3 people shes closest to outside of family, have decided we've gotta actually DO something about it, which is what prompted me to ask the question, since I'm not sure WHAT to do about it.

    I actually suggested to people that maybe he was not really going to do anything, and would get over it quickly, I still think that may be the case. However, people who know the kid better than I do seem to think that theres good reason for her to be afraid of him, and whether she should be or not, she is.

    So, I suspect that he wont actually do anything, but the fact remains, I seem to be the minority there, at least, people think theres a reasonable chance he would.

    As for this weekend, I think that is the plan... its looking like she is going to spend the weekend at her best friends house, and nobody is going to tell him where she is.

    -Matt
     
  5. DrunkCajun

    DrunkCajun Banned

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2004
    Messages:
    5,249
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Matt, unfortunately I think the best thing you can do for her right now is support her. Ultimately you can't break up with this guy for her. The best you can do is talk to her about it, tell her how you and others feel about it, tell her you'll be there in every way possible to support her, and let her know she can come to you for help. Other than that, you're in the unfortunate and very irritating position of being a powerless onlooker.

    She needs to make up her mind to do this herself and go through with it, bottom line. The more support from her friends that she has, the better, but again, can't stress this enough, the only person who can break up with this guy is her.
     
  6. Matt

    Matt IncGamers Site Pal

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    4,163
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    467
    Yeah, I'm afraid you may be right that theres not much I can do, however, I was hoping to at least suggest something for her. Its not like I'm assuming she wants to break up with him, shes blatently said to her friends, including me, that she does want to break up with him, and is afraid to do it. I guess I'm hoping theres something she can do, or that we (her close friends and I) can suggest she do. Shes gone so far as to try and get him to break up with her, so that he wont be angry with her for ending it.

    I guess I know I cant actually DO anything about it, but there has to be some better (I know it wont be perfect, but there has to be something better...)way of going about it. Again, she has said she wants to break up with him, and is afraid to do it, its not my random assumption or hope.
     
  7. Gix

    Gix IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2005
    Messages:
    528
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    165
    Tell her to make herself look really ugly on purpose. The guy will eventually lose interest.
    She can cheat on him with you in the meantime.

    Shabang!

    -Gix
     
  8. rikstaker

    rikstaker IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2004
    Messages:
    3,318
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    256
    Theres one thing you can do to ensure her safety.YOU go hang out with the guy,no not that kind of hangout,just try to become a casual friend when he comes over.Try your best.So when he comes to know the truth about you & his girl,his attention will be on you as the backstabber.I assume,the girl will be safe,but...

    Rik
     
  9. Gix

    Gix IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2005
    Messages:
    528
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    165
    .....and then stab him in the back! (Literally)

    -Gix
     
  10. Lostprophet

    Lostprophet IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2004
    Messages:
    1,526
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    466
    Insightful.

    Matt: It's never easy with these types of situations, but my best advice for you is just to make sure you're on call for if he tries to do anything. Advise her to do the dirty over the phone, via a letter or e-mail, or something, as obviously he can't go into a violent fit of rage near her if he isn't, ya know, near her. Doing it impersonally also allows him a period of time to cool down before he sees her, improving the chances that any in-person conversation they do have to have has good, closure-ly results.

    Other than that, just hope he keeps out of the deep end.

    I wish this girl luck. Stupid men :uhhuh:.
     
  11. Gix

    Gix IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2005
    Messages:
    528
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    165
    Look on the bright side. If he goes into a violent rage and kills you both, you guys have nothing to worry about anymore.

    But seriously, just tell her to do her duty (not in person!). She should join track for running practice in case he attempts a drive by.
     
  12. Matt

    Matt IncGamers Site Pal

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    4,163
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    467
    Yeah, I do agree that she should do it either with a lot of people around, or not face to face. (probably not with people around, thats just not really a situation you can break up with someone in...)

    I will/would be ready to come to her anytime, if they were together, though I would certianly get my ass kicked. (this kid is 20, and a marine, I'm 18, and not a marine)

    Rik, after how he treated her, I dont think I could ever do anything "casually friendly" with this guy, it would be all I could do not to hit the kid in the face. I really dont know how I would honestly be able to handle myself if I had to hang out with them together, or with him.

    Gix, can we please keep it serious? Thanks.

    -Matt
     
  13. Chynobi

    Chynobi IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2004
    Messages:
    859
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    120
    Go on a daytime tv show.

    Is he violent as will use only his hands or will he go to more extreme measures?
     
  14. Gix

    Gix IncGamers Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2005
    Messages:
    528
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    165
    Matt, there often comes a time in life when people just have to stand up and say **** you. Thats what this girl friend of yours has to do. There's no reason to be afraid of breaking up with someone. If she doesn't like him, tell him straight out and spit in his face. There's no reason to go Operation Breakup mode.

    -Gix
     
  15. Matt

    Matt IncGamers Site Pal

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    4,163
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    467
    If anything, hands only, but I dont think he'll do anything. Problem is, other people (namely her and her friends) think he might. As long as they think that, she will be afraid to break up with him. I think hes intimidating, and will get angry, but I also dont think he'll get violent... if only she felt the same way about it.


    -Matt
     
  16. itsPizzarific

    itsPizzarific Banned

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2004
    Messages:
    1,489
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    0
    i dont see anything wrong with carrying that can of mace when she breaks up with him. shouldnt that be enough security?
     
  17. MixedVariety

    MixedVariety Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2003
    Messages:
    2,498
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Everything you're hearing about him is coming from her, basically, it seems. Something's wrong with that. You are basing everything on hearsay.

    If you are concerned with character, you might question the character of a girl who can't seem to run her own love life very well. If she was really interested in breaking up with this dude, she would. It isn't some magic spell he's using to sweep her off her feet, it's her own weakness for a 'bad boy' that he's exploiting.

    You can't fix her. Some people here have said to support her and stand by her but you know, in my experience, it is you who are going to end up with the short end of the stick.

    Good luck. It would be a lot easier if you weren't romantically interested in this girl. Right now you can't see the forest for the trees, or something like that.
     
  18. Matt

    Matt IncGamers Site Pal

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    4,163
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    467
    I think its easy to say that shes weak for not being able to break up with him, however, if you were in a situation where it was possible it could lead to physical abuse, I think you would be singing a different song (or something like that...) I see what you're saying, but I dont think its entirely accurate. I do have my own intrests here, but mutual friends who dont have the same intrests as I do are completly on the same page as I am when it comes to feeling that we need to do something in this situation. All the info is not coming from her. Some of it is, yes, but not all of it, its coming from the many people who know him (he went to my school), and from people who have seen them together, and been with her when she was with or talking to him, its far from just her perspective.

    I dont see how many sides are when the story is that the guy makes her feel horrible, makes her cry, and intimidates her. Maybe I'm missing something, but I cant begin to come up with a story to justify that, especially knowing her, she certianly doesnt deserve it.

    -Matt
     
  19. MixedVariety

    MixedVariety Banned

    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2003
    Messages:
    2,498
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Matt, I'm not interested in saying bad stuff about people I don't know; all I can do is relate from experience. All I'm trying to say is to be on your guard. I've both seen, and experienced myself, being the butt of a mighty good actress who has everyone fooled. Girls who can make themselves cry at will. Who can bat those eyelashes in such a way that there's no way she can be lying. Who can exaggerate an anthill into a mountain.

    If there is a real problem of near abuse and stuff going on, there are any number of people she can go to, including her parents, guidance personnel at the school, and the like. Try handling this yourself and then the real circus will begin. Once she makes the decision to really do something about it, it actually is that easy.

    I'd just be careful it isn't you she's telling her friends the same stuff about in 6 months. You really don't know how much of it is true, and how much an exaggeration, do you? Sometimes there is no harm meant, just a web of twisted, one-sided stuff that ends up trapping innocent people.

    Take care. I just calls 'em how I sees 'em. And I will be the first to admit I know these folks a hell of a lot less than you do.
     
  20. Matt

    Matt IncGamers Site Pal

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2003
    Messages:
    4,163
    Likes Received:
    14
    Trophy Points:
    467
    Thanks mixed I'm sorry if I came off more hostile than I meant to, because I didnt mean to at all. This whole thing is just really hard, and I'm pretty lost on what to do... I do appriciate your input.
    -Matt
     

Share This Page