Homecoming

Ron_Lugge

Diabloii.Net Member
Homecoming

I'm just wondering if anyone is interested in this story -- should I go ahead and continue writing it?


Khalim: once Lightbringer; once Lord in the Light; once Lightbearer, wielder of the Lightbrand (though he had given that sacred blade up willingly, to the only man more worthy of it than he); once a Finger of the Light; once a Paladin of the Zakarum. He surveyed the horde arrayed against him and spat at them. "Come, take my head from me -- if you dare!" he roared in defiance. Like curs before a noble wolf they cowered. But this wolf was old, and his sharp teeth had been weakened by long use. His speed was blunted by a terrible limp, the only sign of a bloody gash across his leg. They could take him, easily.

If they paid the blood-price in full. A terrible blood price measured in skulls crushed (thirty-five), chests smashed (twelve), limbs mangled (one hundred fifteen; varius) and hearts stabbed (one). Non-fatal blows were too numerous to count, consisting mainly of friendly arrow fire, with crushed hands and feet, and the occasional broken bone.

Khalim grasped the hilt of the narrow blade that had pierced his plate. All his enemies fell back, waiting to see if this would kill him. He drew the blade out, its edge squeling against his armor. Looking forth, he cursed the mob before him. "Damn you! May the light turn its face from you forever!" his breath failed him at last, as he crumpled to his knees. He spared one, last thought for his friends so far away, even as he brought a trembling hand to his face and bit, hard, on an emerald stone embedded in a ring.

As if by magic, trees grew up around him, a rippling explosion of ever-growing jungle, fertilized in his dying body, and hating the corrupted Zakarum. It was his last sight as things grew dim before his eyes.

For an instant, the recent past exploded before him.


***

"This ring, here, will unleash a growth of plants in your vicinity if the inset emerald is crushed. Just bite down, hard, and my magic will do the rest."

Khalim smiled at the pale figure before him. "I told you I could use a little help, and you give me a plethora of magic weapons-"

Gregori interrupted him. "These weapons are, for the most part, useless here. A few of them might hold an application, but we have plenty of duplicates for those."

Khalim laughed. "Really?"

Gregori glared. "Believe it or not, your choice. All I've given you are things your small band, deep in enemy territory and far from friends will need."

"A ring to grow plants?" Khalim querried, laughing.

"Useless in a desert, true. But Kurast lacks only the plantlife to become a jungle -- and that ring will create a jungle for you, if you ask it to." Khalim eaised an eyebrow sardonicly.

"Believe me. Should you clear the Inner City, that ring will pretty much halt all pursuit. The jungle in qestion will reach to the edges of the Old Lands, outside the Great Walls that protect the entire region."

"That far?" Khalim was surprised. "That's nearly a day's travel by fast horse!"

"Farther, actually. Just won't be as noticeable in the Old Lands." Gregori smiled. "Is that of any use to you?"

"As much as any Great Magic would be..." Khalim's voice held a questioning edge.

"Nope, I made it." Gregori said, flattered.

"It certainly sounds like a Great Magic. Oh, well. Any other magics?" Khalim's voice was hopeful.

"Other than that flail I mentioned earlier, no." Gregori replied.

"Too bad." Khalim's voice was rather joyous. "I like the idea of that flail, even if I'd have to give up the lightbrand."

"Give up the Lightbrand?" Gregori was a little surprised.

"It must be used as a primary weapon -- a tradition as old as paladins." Khalim laughed. "Though, there have been a few cases where it was only the main hand-to-hand weapon, with a bow wielder."

Gregori laughed. "Odd tradition, but then even the vizjerei have a few of those. When I become too old to use my staff, for example, I'm supposed to cut it into four equal pieces, and give each piece to a seperate apprentice as his first staff -- though cut in four like that, it won't be very strong."

Khalim laughed. "A mighty short staff!"

"Actually, just thin."

"What? You mean you cut it into four pieces lengthwise!"

"Yup." Gregori laughed at the look on his friends face. "Another day, my friend." Gregori reached out.

"May we meet another day!" Khalim grasped his friend's arm with a smile.

***

Khalim looked around the ranks of paladins arrayed around him and smiled once more. They represented nearly a third of the might of the Zakarum, and were the best of it's veterans -- meaning they held nearly half again the fighting power of the rest of the Zakarum.

"Gebriale! Front and Center!" Khalim roared. That worthy stepped back out of ranks and marched to the front, first marching sideways to an aisle.

"Seargeant Gebriale, reporting as ordered!" He snapped a salute which Khalim returned.

"Kneel." Khalim commanded, and drew his sword. "By the power vested in me, I heaby declare thee Knight-Leiutenant." Khalim rested his blade on each of Gebriale's shoulders for the barest instant. "Rise, Sir Gebriale." Khalim raised his blade up, holding the hand-and-a-half sword up high. "Gebriale, Knight of the Zakarum, I needs must give up this sacred blade. I charge you with delivering it to its new owner."

Gebriale rose, and grasped the blade's handle carefully as Khalim relinquished it. Turning sharply, he marched with deliberation to Gregori, who stood where he had all afternoon, directly behind Khalim's 'spot' in formation. "Kneel, Gregori, son of Harlen." Gebriale's voice intoned solemnly.

Surprised, Gregori did so. Confusion reigned on his face, battling with just a hint of deep, dark suspicion. Gebriale slowly lowered the balde, resting it for just an instant on Gregori's left shoulder, the shield arm's shoulder. "This for the blows you will take in defense of innocents." Gebriale intoned, slapping the flat of the blade crisply into Gregori's neck. Lowering it again, he let the blade rest for an instant on Gregori's right shoulder. "This for the blows you will deal in defense of innocents." Gebriale intoned, slapping the flat of the blade crisply into Gregori's neck. He then reversed the blade and let the tip rest on the ground, cross-guards directly before Gregori's face. The tablue held for several long instants before Gebriale growled softly to his former mentor, "You're supposed to kiss the blade, dummy!" So prompted, Gregori leaned forward and did so. A small laugh for his ignorance rippled amongst the ranks.

"Rise, Sir Gregori." Khalim intoned. "Arise, Knight-Captain of the Zakarum! Arise Lightbearer!" Gebriale swiftly drew the Lightbrand up, and flipped it around so the blade rested on his arm. Trembling, Gregori reached out a hand a grasped the blade. White light flashed from its tip, racing down the blade's runes to spell out its name. Instinctively Gregori raised the blade up high and let its glow shine forth freely.

Death claimed him.

***

Khalim felt a terrible pain and coldness as sembelence of life was forced back into his battered body. He was still dead, though he could again see and hear. "You betrayed our noble order, Khalim. Such betrayal must be punished -- even in death." Swift knives carved out his heart, his brain, and his remaining eye. Khalim sensed each organ change as they were touched to his flail in turn. They turned hard and glossy, and he sensed each drain something from him and the flail.

The Council Head tossed the offending organs, and the flail, to several monsters around the room. "Hide these, and guard them, where they will never be found."

Khalim again died, and returned to the past as his gateway to heaven, his mind sustained by the curse.


Khalim leaned on the ships rail, gazing at Kurast's docks. A large, bruly fellow gazed back at him, wearing laerge, thick armor blazoned with the symbol of the Zakarum. His armor was abnormally thcik and burly, more like that of a heavy infantryman than a paladin, yet his feew movements implied an ease of movement greater than most paladins.

Khalim let his nose stick out more prominently and sniffed. All he actually smelled was tar and sea-salt, but he could sense a slight trace of demonic energy from the creature before him. Not much, no more than had washed off on Khalim over his years of demon-slaying -- less, even -- yet combined with the creatures unnatural strength more than enough to prove it was demon-touched.

Here. In Kurast. The heart of the Zakarum. Wearing the colors of the Zakarum! Any doubt in Khalim's mind was banished:

Mephisto was free, and controlled the high council of the Zakarum. And through them he had corrupted the entirety of the Zakarum's home forces.

Khalim smiled jovially at the creature, and waved as if in good cheer. Bemused, it waved back. "You're dead." Khalim promised under his breath.

When the ship docked, he leapt off to embrace his 'bother' in arms. "Take me to the council!" he commanded imperiosly.

Startled, the creature shifted, trying to regain the upper hand. "The council has commanded that you rest in the quarters prepared you before you join them." it said.

"Oh?" Khalim asked. "They commanded me to make all haste -- the least they could do is match my speed!"

"Recent events have caused several disruptions here in the city, milord. They are busy dealing with them, and would rather you meditated for a time before joining them."

"As a fellow Lightlord, I should be helping the council deal with them!" Khalim exclaimed with energy and gusto. The creature shifted on its feet, searching for a way out of Khalim's arm, which he had slung around the beasts shoulders.

"In the time you could be briefed on any of the problems, they could be solved several times over by whoever was briefing you. Please, take a well earned break."

Khalim deliberated for a bare moment and decided not to press the issue. "Then I will wait in my rooms." he pronounced, grabbing the bag tossed at him by one of his men and taking off. The creature had to trot to catch up, leaving slightly out of breath as it spoke.

"Unfortunatly, your rooms were damaged in the recent troubles, milord. While they are being repaired, the council has furnished another set of rooms for your use -- with additional security against further damages."

Khalim ground his teeth. By Tyreal's breath! I need to get at my stash! he thought. "Fine then." he said curtly. "Lead the way."

The creature moved swiftly, Khalim noted, but while its strength exceeded that of most men its speed was sub-par, for paladins at least. It was made for the crushinf embrace of heavy infantry and cavalry, not the skirmishing and charging of the paladins. That explained its unusualy heavy armor. Khalim noticed his men being herded off elsewhere, and chose to ignore it. A simple glance at the sergeant insured that they'd behave themselves for their 'breatheren'.

***

Khalim heard the door seal itself shut behind him and sighed with exhaustion. Maintaining his role as a loyal, none-to-perceptive Lightlord was difficult enough; he also had to exude the proper priestly demeaaner at the same time.

The next best thing to impossible. Worse yet, maintaining the roles properly -- which is to say, convincingly -- required wrapping that role around him like a cloak, so tightly he slowly became it. His senses were dulling oh-so-slightly, a poor sign when he needed them at their best.

A slight click behind him said the door was now locked. Frowning at this obvious assault on his dignity, he glanced through the glorius veiw through the barred windows. Turning to sit, he snapped his head around.

Barred windows!
 

Ron_Lugge

Diabloii.Net Member
Please ignore the prior post. Somehow, I got a (way) out of date version of this up.

Dunno how.

Sorry.

Here is the more-up-to-date, actually spellchecked, and partially reviewed for errors (The forum is the other half of the review :) ) version:

Khalim: once Lightbringer; once Lord in the Light; once Lightbearer, wielder of the Lightbrand (though he had given that sacred blade up willingly, to the only man more worthy of it than he); once a Finger of the Light; once a Paladin of the Zakarum. He surveyed the horde arrayed against him and spat at them. "Come, take my head from me -- if you dare!" he roared in defiance. Like curs before a noble wolf they cowered. But this wolf was old, and his sharp teeth had been weakened by long use. His speed was blunted by a terrible limp, the only sign of a bloody gash across his leg. They could take him, easily.

If they paid the blood-price in full. A terrible blood price measured in skulls crushed (thirty-five), chests smashed (twelve), limbs mangled (one hundred fifteen; varius) and hearts stabbed (one). Non-fatal blows were too numerous to count, consisting mainly of friendly arrow fire, with crushed hands and feet, and the occasional broken bone.

Khalim grasped the hilt of the narrow blade that had pierced his plate. All his enemies fell back, waiting to see if this would kill him. He drew the blade out, its edge squeling against his armor. Looking forth, he cursed the mob before him. "Damn you! May the light turn its face from you forever!" his breath failed him at last, as he crumpled to his knees. He spared one, last thought for his friends so far away, even as he brought a trembling hand to his face and bit, hard, on an emerald stone embedded in a ring.

As if by magic, trees grew up around him, a rippling explosion of ever-growing jungle, fertilized in his dying body, and hating the corrupted Zakarum. It was his last sight as things grew dim before his eyes.

For an instant, the recent past exploded before him.


***

"This ring, here, will unleash a growth of plants in your vicinity if the inset emerald is crushed. Just bite down, hard, and my magic will do the rest."

Khalim smiled at the pale figure before him. "I told you I could use a little help, and you give me a plethora of magic weapons-"

Gregori interrupted him. "These weapons are, for the most part, useless here. A few of them might hold an application, but we have plenty of duplicates for those."

Khalim laughed. "Really?"

Gregori glared. "Believe it or not, your choice. All I've given you are things your small band, deep in enemy territory and far from friends will need."

"A ring to grow plants?" Khalim querried, laughing.

"Useless in a desert, true. But Kurast lacks only the plantlife to become a jungle -- and that ring will create a jungle for you, if you ask it to." Khalim eaised an eyebrow sardonicly.

"Believe me. Should you clear the Inner City, that ring will pretty much halt all pursuit. The jungle in qestion will reach to the edges of the Old Lands, outside the Great Walls that protect the entire region."

"That far?" Khalim was surprised. "That's nearly a day's travel by fast horse!"

"Farther, actually. Just won't be as noticeable in the Old Lands." Gregori smiled. "Is that of any use to you?"

"As much as any Great Magic would be..." Khalim's voice held a questioning edge.

"Nope, I made it." Gregori said, flattered.

"It certainly sounds like a Great Magic. Oh, well. Any other magics?" Khalim's voice was hopeful.

"Other than that flail I mentioned earlier, no." Gregori replied.

"Too bad." Khalim's voice was rather joyous. "I like the idea of that flail, even if I'd have to give up the lightbrand."

"Give up the Lightbrand?" Gregori was a little surprised.

"It must be used as a primary weapon -- a tradition as old as paladins." Khalim laughed. "Though, there have been a few cases where it was only the main hand-to-hand weapon, with a bow wielder."

Gregori laughed. "Odd tradition, but then even the vizjerei have a few of those. When I become too old to use my staff, for example, I'm supposed to cut it into four equal pieces, and give each piece to a seperate apprentice as his first staff -- though cut in four like that, it won't be very strong."

Khalim laughed. "A mighty short staff!"

"Actually, just thin."

"What? You mean you cut it into four pieces lengthwise!"

"Yup." Gregori laughed at the look on his friends face. "Another day, my friend." Gregori reached out.

"May we meet another day!" Khalim grasped his friend's arm with a smile.

***

Khalim looked around the ranks of paladins arrayed around him and smiled once more. They represented nearly a third of the might of the Zakarum, and were the best of it's veterans -- meaning they held nearly half again the fighting power of the rest of the Zakarum.

"Gebriale! Front and Center!" Khalim roared. That worthy stepped back out of ranks and marched to the front, first marching sideways to an aisle.

"Seargeant Gebriale, reporting as ordered!" He snapped a salute which Khalim returned.

"Kneel." Khalim commanded, and drew his sword. "By the power vested in me, I heaby declare thee Knight-Leiutenant." Khalim rested his blade on each of Gebriale's shoulders for the barest instant. "Rise, Sir Gebriale." Khalim raised his blade up, holding the hand-and-a-half sword up high. "Gebriale, Knight of the Zakarum, I needs must give up this sacred blade. I charge you with delivering it to its new owner."

Gebriale rose, and grasped the blade's handle carefully as Khalim relinquished it. Turning sharply, he marched with deliberation to Gregori, who stood where he had all afternoon, directly behind Khalim's 'spot' in formation. "Kneel, Gregori, son of Harlen." Gebriale's voice intoned solemnly.

Surprised, Gregori did so. Confusion reigned on his face, battling with just a hint of deep, dark suspicion. Gebriale slowly lowered the balde, resting it for just an instant on Gregori's left shoulder, the shield arm's shoulder. "This for the blows you will take in defense of innocents." Gebriale intoned, slapping the flat of the blade crisply into Gregori's neck. Lowering it again, he let the blade rest for an instant on Gregori's right shoulder. "This for the blows you will deal in defense of innocents." Gebriale intoned, slapping the flat of the blade crisply into Gregori's neck. He then reversed the blade and let the tip rest on the ground, cross-guards directly before Gregori's face. The tablue held for several long instants before Gebriale growled softly to his former mentor, "You're supposed to kiss the blade, dummy!" So prompted, Gregori leaned forward and did so. A small laugh for his ignorance rippled amongst the ranks.

"Rise, Sir Gregori." Khalim intoned. "Arise, Knight-Captain of the Zakarum! Arise Lightbearer!" Gebriale swiftly drew the Lightbrand up, and flipped it around so the blade rested on his arm. Trembling, Gregori reached out a hand a grasped the blade. White light flashed from its tip, racing down the blade's runes to spell out its name. Instinctively Gregori raised the blade up high and let its glow shine forth freely.

Death claimed him.

***

Khalim felt a terrible pain and coldness as sembelence of life was forced back into his battered body. He was still dead, though he could again see and hear. "You betrayed our noble order, Khalim. Such betrayal must be punished -- even in death." Swift knives carved out his heart, his brain, and his remaining eye. Khalim sensed each organ change as they were touched to his flail in turn. They turned hard and glossy, and he sensed each drain something from him and the flail.

The Council Head tossed the offending organs, and the flail, to several monsters around the room. "Hide these, and guard them, where they will never be found."

Khalim again died, and returned to the past as his gateway to heaven, his mind sustained by the curse.


Khalim leaned on the ships rail, gazing at Kurast's docks. A large, bruly fellow gazed back at him, wearing laerge, thick armor blazoned with the symbol of the Zakarum. His armor was abnormally thcik and burly, more like that of a heavy infantryman than a paladin, yet his feew movements implied an ease of movement greater than most paladins.

Khalim let his nose stick out more prominently and sniffed. All he actually smelled was tar and sea-salt, but he could sense a slight trace of demonic energy from the creature before him. Not much, no more than had washed off on Khalim over his years of demon-slaying -- less, even -- yet combined with the creatures unnatural strength more than enough to prove it was demon-touched.

Here. In Kurast. The heart of the Zakarum. Wearing the colors of the Zakarum! Any doubt in Khalim's mind was banished:

Mephisto was free, and controlled the high council of the Zakarum. And through them he had corrupted the entirety of the Zakarum's home forces.

Khalim smiled jovially at the creature, and waved as if in good cheer. Bemused, it waved back. "You're dead." Khalim promised under his breath.

When the ship docked, he leapt off to embrace his 'bother' in arms. "Take me to the council!" he commanded imperiosly.

Startled, the creature shifted, trying to regain the upper hand. "The council has commanded that you rest in the quarters prepared you before you join them." it said.

"Oh?" Khalim asked. "They commanded me to make all haste -- the least they could do is match my speed!"

"Recent events have caused several disruptions here in the city, milord. They are busy dealing with them, and would rather you meditated for a time before joining them."

"As a fellow Lightlord, I should be helping the council deal with them!" Khalim exclaimed with energy and gusto. The creature shifted on its feet, searching for a way out of Khalim's arm, which he had slung around the beasts shoulders.

"In the time you could be briefed on any of the problems, they could be solved several times over by whoever was briefing you. Please, take a well earned break."

Khalim deliberated for a bare moment and decided not to press the issue. "Then I will wait in my rooms." he pronounced, grabbing the bag tossed at him by one of his men and taking off. The creature had to trot to catch up, leaving slightly out of breath as it spoke.

"Unfortunatly, your rooms were damaged in the recent troubles, milord. While they are being repaired, the council has furnished another set of rooms for your use -- with additional security against further damages."

Khalim ground his teeth. By Tyreal's breath! I need to get at my stash! he thought. "Fine then." he said curtly. "Lead the way."

The creature moved swiftly, Khalim noted, but while its strength exceeded that of most men its speed was sub-par, for paladins at least. It was made for the crushinf embrace of heavy infantry and cavalry, not the skirmishing and charging of the paladins. That explained its unusualy heavy armor. Khalim noticed his men being herded off elsewhere, and chose to ignore it. A simple glance at the sergeant insured that they'd behave themselves for their 'breatheren'.

***

Khalim heard the door seal itself shut behind him and sighed with exhaustion. Maintaining his role as a loyal, none-to-perceptive Lightlord was difficult enough; he also had to exude the proper priestly demeaaner at the same time.

The next best thing to impossible. Worse yet, maintaining the roles properly -- which is to say, convincingly -- required wrapping that role around him like a cloak, so tightly he slowly became it. His senses were dulling oh-so-slightly, a poor sign when he needed them at their best.

A slight click behind him said the door was now locked. Frowning at this obvious assault on his dignity, he glanced through the glorius veiw through the barred windows. Turning to sit, he snapped his head around.

Barred windows!
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Ron_Lugge said:
Has anyone actually read this, or should I just forget about it?
Oops...I started reading, and then mistakenly assumed that this was a misplaced chapter of We Also Serve, so I stopped. Didn't realize that this was a different story. I'll get to it when I can.
 

Ron_Lugge

Diabloii.Net Member
RevenantsKnight said:
Oops...I started reading, and then mistakenly assumed that this was a misplaced chapter of We Also Serve, so I stopped. Didn't realize that this was a different story. I'll get to it when I can.
LOL

Thats what I get for creating two such tightly linked stories.

FYI, this story comes after "We ALso Serve".
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Hrm...this read a lot less cleanly than We Also Serve. There were some good bits, but in general the flow of the story seemed rocky. Is this still a rough draft of sorts? Also, the history here just felt too messy, in my opinion. This is another reason why I found it hard to get into the tale; I kept being jarred by the take on Sanctuary. Some specific comments on these thoughts and more:

Ron_Lugge said:
Khalim: once Lightbringer; once Lord in the Light; once Lightbearer, wielder of the Lightbrand (though he had given that sacred blade up willingly, to the only man more worthy of it than he); once a Finger of the Light; once a Paladin of the Zakarum.
You know, it just occurred to me: Khalim was actually a priest, not a Paladin, and the Que-Hegan at that. I don’t think he’d be leaving Travincal much, let alone doing so to go beat the heck out of some evil.

Ron_Lugge said:
Like curs before a noble wolf they cowered. But this wolf was old, and his sharp teeth had been weakened by long use. His speed was blunted by a terrible limp, the only sign of a bloody gash across his leg.
This was a good image. :)

Ron_Lugge said:
A terrible blood price measured in skulls crushed (thirty-five), chests smashed (twelve), limbs mangled (one hundred fifteen; varius) and hearts stabbed (one).
I’m a little confused by the tenses here; are these casualties he has inflicted, or will inflict should they advance? The numbers suggest that it’s in the past relative to this moment, but “If they paid the blood-price in full†suggests that it hasn’t occurred yet. Also, that should be “various.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
Non-fatal blows were too numerous to count, consisting mainly of friendly arrow fire, with crushed hands and feet, and the occasional broken bone.
“Fire†meaning projectiles didn’t come into use until after the rise of guns; regardless, it’s generally not used to describe arrows.

Ron_Lugge said:
He drew the blade out, its edge squeling against his armor.
That should be “squealing.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
his breath failed him at last, as he crumpled to his knees.
That should be capitalized, as the start of a new sentence.

Ron_Lugge said:
As if by magic, trees grew up around him, a rippling explosion of ever-growing jungle, fertilized in his dying body, and hating the corrupted Zakarum.
“Hating...†sounds weird to me. I think I know what you’re trying to get at, but this is not quite clear.

Ron_Lugge said:
Gregori glared. "Believe it or not, your choice.â€
Hrm...Gregori sounds a little angrier here than I’d expect, though maybe that’s just me.

Ron_Lugge said:
“All I've given you are things your small band, deep in enemy territory and far from friends will need."
There should be another comma after “friends.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
"A ring to grow plants?" Khalim querried, laughing.
That should be “queried.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
Khalim eaised an eyebrow sardonicly.
Should that be “Khalim raised an eyebrow sardonically,†perhaps?

Ron_Lugge said:
"The jungle in qestion will reach to the edges of the Old Lands, outside the Great Walls that protect the entire region."
That should be “question.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
"As much as any Great Magic would be..." Khalim's voice held a questioning edge.

"Nope, I made it." Gregori said, flattered.
A nice little exchange here.

Ron_Lugge said:
"Too bad." Khalim's voice was rather joyous.
“Joyous†somehow seems wrong to me here. It just doesn’t seem to fit what he’s saying. Perhaps “jovial,†“good-natured†or “cheerful†would suit this sentence.

Ron_Lugge said:
"I like the idea of that flail, even if I'd have to give up the lightbrand."
Most of your uses of “Lightbrand†are capitalized; I’m assuming this one should be too.

Ron_Lugge said:
"Odd tradition, but then even the vizjerei have a few of those.â€
“Vizjerei†should be capitalized.

Ron_Lugge said:
“When I become too old to use my staff, for example, I'm supposed to cut it into four equal pieces, and give each piece to a seperate apprentice as his first staff -- though cut in four like that, it won't be very strong.â€
That should be “separate.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
Gregori laughed at the look on his friends face.
That should be “friend’s.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
They represented nearly a third of the might of the Zakarum, and were the best of it's veterans -- meaning they held nearly half again the fighting power of the rest of the Zakarum.
That should be “its veterans.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
"Seargeant Gebriale, reporting as ordered!"
That’s spelled “Sergeant.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
"By the power vested in me, I heaby declare thee Knight-Leiutenant."
Those should be “hereby†and “Lieutenant.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
"Gebriale, Knight of the Zakarum, I needs must give up this sacred blade.â€
Hrm...“I needs must†needs some revision.

Ron_Lugge said:
Gebriale slowly lowered the balde, resting it for just an instant on Gregori's left shoulder, the shield arm's shoulder.
That should be “blade.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
Lowering it again, he let the blade rest for an instant on Gregori's right shoulder.
Technically, the sword’s still on his left shoulder. I get what happened, but this was confusing at first because it sounds like Gebriale lowers the weapon from Gregori’s left shoulder to his right shoulder.

Ron_Lugge said:
"This for the blows you will deal in defense of innocents." Gebriale intoned, slapping the flat of the blade crisply into Gregori's neck.
The part after the speech is the same as a previous sentence element, word for word. While I could see why you might want to emphasize the similarity between these two actions, I don’t think it works too well here. I’d just describe them with slightly different words; the fact that one matched the other verbatim made it feel like you copy-pasted it in.

Ron_Lugge said:
The tablue held for several long instants before Gebriale growled softly to his former mentor, "You're supposed to kiss the blade, dummy!"
That should be “tableau.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
Khalim felt a terrible pain and coldness as sembelence of life was forced back into his battered body.
I think that should be “a semblance of life...â€

Ron_Lugge said:
The Council Head tossed the offending organs, and the flail, to several monsters around the room.
“Monsters†felt too general for this particular case. I’d think that Khalim would make some note of any unusual qualities, and there’s no given reason as to why they are “monsters†instead of, say, people.

Ron_Lugge said:
Khalim again died, and returned to the past as his gateway to heaven, his mind sustained by the curse.
I wasn’t sure what this meant. Did the curse prevent him from leaving the mortal world, and so he’s thinking of the past now?

Ron_Lugge said:
A large, bruly fellow gazed back at him, wearing laerge, thick armor blazoned with the symbol of the Zakarum.
“Bruly†should be “burly,†and I’d change “laerge†to “heavy,†“bulky,†or something else to avoid repeating “large.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
His armor was abnormally thcik and burly, more like that of a heavy infantryman than a paladin, yet his feew movements implied an ease of movement greater than most paladins.
Those should be “thick†and “few.†Additionally, I’d delete the description of the armor from the previous sentence, since you talk about it at length here and having both of them seems redundant to a point. Finally, the last clause of the sentence felt awkward to me; “few movements†would imply to me that the armor was unusually restrictive, not that he had increased potential to move.

Ron_Lugge said:
Not much, no more than had washed off on Khalim over his years of demon-slaying -- less, even -- yet combined with the creatures unnatural strength more than enough to prove it was demon-touched.
That should be “creature’s unnatural strength.†Interesting concept, though...

Ron_Lugge said:
Mephisto was free, and controlled the high council of the Zakarum.
This seems like a bit of a leap. I don’t buy the idea that he’d come to this conclusion after seeing one probably corrupted soldier unless he already had some suspicions. Either way, it feels like this is too little for him to base off of.

Ron_Lugge said:
When the ship docked, he leapt off to embrace his 'bother' in arms.
That should be “brother in arms.†It was amusing, though.

Ron_Lugge said:
"Take me to the council!" he commanded imperiosly.
That should be “imperiously.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
"The council has commanded that you rest in the quarters prepared you before you join them." it said.
I think that should be “prepared for you,†though I can’t be sure if what you have works or not...it seems familiar, somehow. Also, the period at the end of the speech should be a comma.

Ron_Lugge said:
The creature shifted on its feet, searching for a way out of Khalim's arm, which he had slung around the beasts shoulders.
That should be “beast’s.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
The creature had to trot to catch up, leaving slightly out of breath as it spoke.
I think that should be “...leaving it slightly out of breath...â€

Ron_Lugge said:
"Unfortunatly, your rooms were damaged in the recent troubles, milord."
That should be “unfortunately.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
It was made for the crushinf embrace of heavy infantry and cavalry, not the skirmishing and charging of the paladins.
That should be “crushing.†Also, Paladins are basically heavy infantry, or at least they sure look the part in their stereotypical full plate. Medieval skirmishers and light infantry would probably wear chain or leather, and breastplates at the very most.

Ron_Lugge said:
That explained its unusualy heavy armor.
That should be “unusually.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
A simple glance at the sergeant insured that they'd behave themselves for their 'breatheren'.
That should be “brethren.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
Maintaining his role as a loyal, none-to-perceptive Lightlord was difficult enough; he also had to exude the proper priestly demeaaner at the same time.
Those should be “none-too-perceptive†and “demeanor.â€

Ron_Lugge said:
Worse yet, maintaining the roles properly -- which is to say, convincingly -- required wrapping that role around him like a cloak, so tightly he slowly became it. His senses were dulling oh-so-slightly, a poor sign when he needed them at their best.
Another good bit of description and imagery. Nicely done.

Ron_Lugge said:
Frowning at this obvious assault on his dignity, he glanced through the glorius veiw through the barred windows.
That should be “glorious view.â€

As mentioned before, this felt messier than most of your other posts, and I’m sure that’s part of why it didn’t read too well. The other main reason was probably my knowledge and preferred adherence to the bits of history put forth in the Diablo manuals; while what you’ve got is original, it doesn’t fit with what Blizzard has in a number of cases, and that’s distracting for me. Still, though, this piece could be much better with some quick edits.

Thanks for posting!
 

Ron_Lugge

Diabloii.Net Member
One reason that it reads a lot less clearly than my other posts is that its not the right version. As I noted in my second post, I accidently posted the uncorrected version of this story -- before I put it through word. Though there are some comments that doesn't change. I'll have to look at it again.

Also, as far as Khalim being a priest, your quite right. However, I'm *not* making him a priest ala Christianity; I'm making the "Priests of the Light" something closer to warrior-monks or priests ala D&D. They don't stay home and encourage the faithful; they're on the front lines, laying the smack-down on evil.

Also, this is meant to be read *after* "We Also Serve" -- there are several details there that support this story.

edit:

Any idea why the screen was turned around when I first tried to read this thread? (AKA when I'm not logged in).

All the punctuation and alignments are reversed -- ie this would be:

:All the punctuation and alignments are reversed -- ie this would be​
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Ron_Lugge said:
One reason that it reads a lot less clearly than my other posts is that its not the right version. As I noted in my second post, I accidently posted the uncorrected version of this story -- before I put it through word.
Umm...this is the second post.

Ron_Lugge said:
Also, as far as Khalim being a priest, your quite right. However, I'm *not* making him a priest ala Christianity; I'm making the "Priests of the Light" something closer to warrior-monks or priests ala D&D. They don't stay home and encourage the faithful; they're on the front lines, laying the smack-down on evil.
Hrm...thing is, Sankekur, the next Que-Hegan, doesn't seem to do that. That's why I felt this was out of place, not because of the normal English use of the word.

Ron_Lugge said:
Any idea why the screen was turned around when I first tried to read this thread? (AKA when I'm not logged in).
Forums were being buggy.
 

Ron_Lugge

Diabloii.Net Member
RevenantsKnight said:
Umm...this is the second post.
???

OK, one of things you pointed out was "bruly" instead of "Burly" -- I know I fixed that, and posted the updated version. Something wierd seems to be going on...

Hrm...thing is, Sankekur, the next Que-Hegan, doesn't seem to do that. That's why I felt this was out of place, not because of the normal English use of the word.
Who? Que-Hegan? I'm missing something... <digs into TDL to see if its in the information there>

Forums were being buggy.
Somebody call terminex!
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Ron_Lugge said:
I know I fixed that, and posted the updated version.
You know, I don't think you did. Both posts have the exact same number of words in them, and I couldn't find any differences in a quick scan.

Ron_Lugge said:
Who? Que-Hegan? I'm missing something... <digs into TDL to see if its in the information there>
Que-Hegan is the title of the the leader of the Church of Zakarum. Sankekur (later Mephisto) issued commands from Travincal (in fact, one of his letters to a certain Archbishop is in the Diablo II manual.) Unless he made that office a lot wimpier than it was under Khalim, I don't think Khalim would be running around in Lut Gholein.
 

Ron_Lugge

Diabloii.Net Member
RevenantsKnight said:
You know, I don't think you did. Both posts have the exact same number of words in them, and I couldn't find any differences in a quick scan.
Most of what I did was correcting words, not re-writing the sentences. Could that be it?

Que-Hegan is the title of the the leader of the Church of Zakarum. Sankekur (later Mephisto) issued commands from Travincal (in fact, one of his letters to a certain Archbishop is in the Diablo II manual.) Unless he made that office a lot wimpier than it was under Khalim, I don't think Khalim would be running around in Lut Gholein.
Um, oh crud. I'd better look this up closer. Could I get away with making Khalim the head of the "arms militant" branch of the church? Co-equal on the council, subordinate in religious matters, and superior in military matters?
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Ron_Lugge said:
Most of what I did was correcting words, not re-writing the sentences. Could that be it?
Eh, I have no idea. I'm almost 100% certain that my comments applied to the second copy of your story, but that's really not the point anyway. As long as you've got a corrected version, either here or offline, then it's all good. If you really want to know if you posted the second draft, I suggest pulling up the first post here in one window, the second one in another, and comparing the two.

Ron_Lugge said:
Um, oh crud. I'd better look this up closer. Could I get away with making Khalim the head of the "arms militant" branch of the church? Co-equal on the council, subordinate in religious matters, and superior in military matters?
Well, the fact is you can write whatever you want. I'm not going to curse you out or anything if you don't make the story conform to the Blizzard texts...if you think Khalim should be out on the front lines kicking butt, then make him do that. Just be sure to make clear that the deviation from the game stuff is intentional (e.g. "Most of the Que-Hegans before me preferred the city of Travincal, yes, but I like to lead by example," Khalim replied with a grin.) If you do that, people who know the story should understand that you've decided to edit a few things.

If, on the other hand, you want to conform to the given story as much as possible, then my advice would be to not make this character Khalim. He is explicitly named as the Que-Hegan, so setting him as a general, even one with a priestly background, seems like a bigger hitch than saying that he is the Que-Hegan, but a rather unorthodox one, as demonstrated above. It seems to me a little like the difference between making Cain a warrior monk in his youth, which is a bit of a stretch but not outright contradictory, and making him a renegade Necromancer, which is just...iffy.

Also, I do admit to a bias towards original, or at least not Blizzard-made, characters in Diablo fanfics; I’m sure many a gamer has thought in his or her mind what, say, Kashya’s story is, and I find a certain thrill in reading about totally new individuals mixed in with these familiar faces. One option would be to make this character Khalim’s lieutenant or something, and then have him meet his commander briefly in Travincal before all hell breaks loose. In such a case, you could shift between Khalim’s point of view and the character’s in Homecoming.

Personally, I do try to stay in accordance with what Blizzard has put down in the manuals and the games, so I find that placing a character like Khalim, who has several very defined elements (he was the last Que-Hegan before Mephisto, he gets killed by the rest of the council, etc.) as a story lead is limiting. While I don’t make up every character I use, I do like to focus on the ones that I can shape as I wish.

So, my two cents summed up: it’d probably work fine if you made him an unusual Que-Hegan; you just need to make that clearer so that it comes off as a "deliberate oddity" and not something else. However, my gut feeling is that Khalim might be a little too hard to use as a main character doing what he does in We Also Serve and Homecoming, especially if you want to stick with a by-the-book world, and an original character might be even more fun both to read and to write under such circumstances.
 

Ron_Lugge

Diabloii.Net Member
OK...

I guess I have a massive headache, all because I missed a few lines of text somewhere. <walks off, swearing>
 
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