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Game review thread.

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Johnny, May 3, 2008.

  1. Johnny

    Johnny Banned

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    Game review thread.

    I decided we need a game review thread. I'm going to start with the game

    Condemned: criminal origins

    The game starts out at the scene of a murder. You the hero being a police officer you walk around the building for awhile after which you are told by the other police officer on the site to watch out for junkies. No problem I figure. Some guy weilding a pipe takes a swing at him so I shot him down. I walk a few more steps and find a wounded person on the ground. At this point I figure I should call for help or something. Being a police officer and all. But no. Instead the game suggests that I kick the wounded man as apparantly deep inside this poor wounded man is a peice of programming code that says "Set enemy = 1" So he registers as an enemy and I have to kick him. Despite the fact that he has done nothing illegal. The kick promptly kills him and I am safe in the knowledge that the law and morals of this great nation have been upheld.



    The game is supposed to be scary and I'm sure it would have been. Had it been released somewhere around 2002. The enemies get repetetive as you fight your way through a mixture of regular hobo, skinny hobbo, big hobo, female hobo and skinny female hobo.

    You play an FBI agent that is hunted by the police for a murder he did not commit. All the while trying to catch the real killer (stop me if this sounds familiar)

    The hero drops his gun and the gun gets picked up by the villian. After which the villian promptly shots down 2 other police officers then throws the hero out of a window causing him to plunge 3 floors and land on his car. Normaly what one would do in thi situation is remain on the car til an ambulance and more police get there and explain the situation. What the hero in this game does is he skulks away into the shadows then returns to his apartment. The police then knock on the door as by that time they have already decided that the hero is the killer because the victims where shot with his gun. The truth is not that far fetched and could easaly be explained but instead he jumps out the window to escape the police.

    The whole story is very hard to take seriously. Both the hero's commitment to making it seem like he did murder the policemen and the police's effort to take him down instead of just asking him about what really happened.

    The hero seems very concerned with finding specific dead bodies and specific killers in a game where you on average bludgeon 5-6 people to death every minute and watch an additional 10 be killed by crazy hobos or find them already dead. By that time many people would have been desensitized to the sight of a dead body but whenver you come across a corpse important to the game story the hero still manages to play surprised. Compleatly disregarding the fact he had killed 200 people in order to get to that one body.

    The game has a wide variety of weapons. Unfortunately they are all pretty much the same weapon, short pipe, long pipe, short electric pipe, long electric pipe, 2x4 with screws, 2x4 with nails, 2x4 on fire (I'm not kidding) There are tons of weapons but they are all the same kind of mele weapons varying only in range and speed. You also only have ONE weapon slot. Which also doubles as an inventory slot but it's still only one slot.

    This means that if you manage to get your hands on one of the few firearms that exist in the game then you can be damn sure that you will have to drop it for a weapon needed to progress in the game. Like a fire axe to get through one door or a sledgehammer to get through another kind of door or a shovel, crowbar, fire extinguisher. Yes for every kind of door in the game there is a required weapon needed to get through them and none of them is a firearm.

    So let's say you get your hands on a nice shotgun. You kill an enemy or two then reach a door. The door requires a sledgehammer to get through. You go back. Get the hammer and so discard the shotgun. You go back and beat down the door but then you figure you could go get the shotgun again right? Wrong. Because after you make the journey to get the shotgun and back then you will find a second door that requires the very same sledgehammer. At this point you accept the loss of your shotgun and proceed through, weilding the hammer instead. ****ty mele weapon or not.

    Then ofcourse there are the Safe's. In order to get into a safe you need a crowbar. Ironicly every single safe in the entire game all contain the same thing. A shotgun. All of which you need to discard shortly after to pickup a slow mele weapon needed to open a door.

    The final boss encounter is like everything else in this game a close combat fight using the same dull items found all through the game. I had forced him into a corner and continued to machine gun beat(No actual machine gun involved) him in the face for 7 minutes with a peice of iron rebar until I realised that there has to be more to this fight than beating him because I had been killed by him 3 times now while I just rapidly beat him for several minutes at a time. Compleatly subduing him but not killing him. With the help of google I found that the difference between this fight and other fights however is that you can't just beat him til he dies and then claim victory. You have to very slowly beat him til he falls to his knees so you can yank metals parts off of him. if you hit him one too many times he will skip the falling down part and just resume fighting you. So I had to prance around him like a ballerina delivery careful pokes. Making sure not to hit him too hard. Carefuly guiding him into the correct position to yank out the next metal part. In the end I threw him off a building down through a wooden floor where he subsequently exploded in a bug mushroom cloud like some cliche parody of an 80's action movie ending.

    The best way to describe the game would be "meh" There is no chance that I will play through it again but the story was atleast captivating enough for me to play through it once. In 3 segments that is. Pausing only to play some better games every now and then to restore my faith in the gaming industry through mindless killorgy first person shooters.
    It's an acceptable game. I blame my dislike for the game mainly on taste rather than lack of quality. Sort of like theatre acting. They are probably very talented and skilled... I just really dont like the idea of ever having to pay money to see it myself.
     
  2. Gibbzilla

    Gibbzilla IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    I haven't gotten around to playing Condemned, and probably never will. The sequel released a little while ago I believe.
     
  3. WildBerry

    WildBerry IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    I have said this before, but I feel no need for a review thread, as this site has all the reviews one could want, and they swear for you so you don't have to do so while playing.
     
  4. Johnny

    Johnny Banned

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    Re: Game review thread.

    That site is just crap. It's not even funny. The only good thing to come out of that site is that it linked me to Ben Corshaw Who is actualy an entertaining reviewer.
     
  5. WildBerry

    WildBerry IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Try reading it dead tired. Out loud. With passion.

    I still think it has it's charms.



     
  6. Johnny

    Johnny Banned

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    Re: Game review thread.

    It's just a poor copy of maddox without the witt.
     
  7. AeroJonesy

    AeroJonesy IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    I've got to agree with Johnny - that site is not funny at all.



     
  8. LouisLeGros

    LouisLeGros IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    sounds like a very fitting description



     
  9. Widan

    Widan IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Did anyone here play the Age of Conan beta? It's coming out soon and it looks pretty good, but I haven't talked to anyone who beta'd it.
     
  10. BobCox2

    BobCox2 IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Pong 1.0
    Very stable with a lot of back and forth movement to it.
    Hope they do a version for the Wii soon.
     
  11. LonghornRob

    LonghornRob IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Wow, you wrote a novel of a review for a game that's just "meh"? That's dedication right there. Or boredom?



     
  12. Gertlex

    Gertlex Banned

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Beer pong.

    Should be played with caffeine drinks and other such stimulants instead. :laugh:
     
  13. WildBerry

    WildBerry IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    That might be, but as a historian, I like precursors, or as the site admin said...

    Now would that be convincing at all without the asterisks?



     
  14. Johnny

    Johnny Banned

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    Re: Game review thread.

    That's just it. He is'nt original. "Oh hey look everybody someone is telling everyone to suck his dick while making racist remarks in order to try to create quick cheap controversy so people will read the crap" It's like some kid in the back of of the classroom yelling fart jokes.

     
  15. WildBerry

    WildBerry IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    The point is he's original in the sense of first guy being unoriginal in this sense.

    Nyah, no, he's not the first guy to do this either. But I'm sure he's among the first to make a web page out of it.

    You pinned him down really nicely in referring to him as an attention-mongering kid. Now tell me true, have you never laughed at such people? No, not at the jokes, but just how the guy carries himself? That's half of the fun and what keeps me coming back. Just the fact that he can feel e-peener-envy to other sites more successful than him is a riot.



     
  16. Dondrei

    Dondrei IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    I've often thought it was strange that a game forum has a movie review thread and no game review thread.

    Lego Star Wars

    Aww man, this kicks ***. They're showing Revenge of the Sith on TV right now, I watched a little bit (man, it was even worse than I remembered) and I was thinking how much more awesome it would've been if those movies had been made out of LEGO. And all the characters were mute.

    Why haven't they released some of those minikits and figurines? And yet they have time to sell bull**** like the TIE Crawler and some Force Unleashed crap.

    Can't wait to finish this and get on to Original Series.

    Paper Mario: Thousand Year Door

    I'm not far into it yet so I can't really comment (nearly through the Glitzville or whatever championship thing) but so far it's been a lot of fun. Very interesting ideas, wish I could've found Paper Mario 64 (and Mario RPG, which wasn't even released in PAL goddamnit) to play through first though.

    That would rock.

    Hey, when did you become a 2?



     
  17. ModeratelyConfused

    ModeratelyConfused Banned

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Since he lost his password.
     
  18. PatMaGroin

    PatMaGroin IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Best

    Game

    Ever

    Made.

    I ebayed it for my pawn shopped SNES about a year ago, and played through it numerous times. I of course played it when it was new too. And its still just as good.



     
  19. LonghornRob

    LonghornRob IncGamers Member

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Weird, I played about a third of the way through it before I got completely bored of it. I don't know what it is about Lufia 2 that makes it stand out so completely over every other RPG I've tried, but it's still the only turn based one I've ever finished. But I have finished it ten times or so. Maybe I should write a review on it to work out what makes it so great.



     
  20. {KOW}Spazed

    {KOW}Spazed Banned

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    Re: Game review thread.

    Wii Play is about as close as you'll get with "Magnetic Air Hockey" or something like that. Very frustrating until you get the hang of it.



     

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