Funny gaming article...

alexzed

Diabloii.Net Member
Funny gaming article...

Had to post this...too many similarities not to...

If you play an online game that you enjoy, there's one surefire way to spoil the experience: read the forums on the official site. There you will find a vast underworld of lost souls keening their misery onto your screen. A game you thought was entertaining, well-balanced and attractive will be torn apart before your very eyes and pronounced lacking in every conceivable way.

It doesn't matter that the complainers spend as much time on the game as you do, and probably more. While they may disagree on the nature of the flaws, they are united in agreement that whatever those flaws may be, they are unforgivable.

Herewith then, a guide to the deranged, degraded inhabitants of the forums. You cannot defeat them, they provide precious little experience, but if they get their claws on you, they may turn you into one of their own.

The Power Craver

Wants only one thing -- more power with less effort. Any downgrade in power is infuriating. Any upgrade is insufficient.

Sample Quote: "I can't believe they nerfed the pillar of lava spell! How am I supposed to kill twelve ogres at once now?"

Punishment: Forced to admit that no matter how powerful in the game, still works as a cashier at Kroger in real life.

The Magical Realist

Doesn't understand what a "game" is. Constantly makes arguments based on what would be "realistic," even if the game is set in a fantasy world run by wizards and pixies.

Sample Quote: "You can't tell me a Mondlagarian Tiger Warrior is stronger than a Swamp Troll. That just doesn't make sense!"

Punishment: Sent back to kindergarten for remedial make-believe classes.

The Majority Stockholder

Seems to believe that $15 a month buys you a seat on the board of directors. Doesn't realize that a hundred thousand other people are ponying up the same amount.

Sample Quote: "I've e-mailed the developers several times telling them that Fire Paladins should have the axe-throwing skill. They haven't changed it, but they're still taking my money!."

Punishment: Forced to work customer service for an online game company.

The Emancipator

Sees the game as a titanic struggle between the evil expressive developers and the poor, downtrodden gamers. The evidence? Every rule and limitation in the game.

Sample Quote: "I don't see why I have to complete quests to get epic weapons! If I want my second-level Bumblefur Bard to wield the Deathsword of Arat'rak'k'k'k, that's my right! Quit telling me how to play!"

Punishment: Sent to Sudan to experience first-hand what oppression actually feels like.

The Eternal Quitter

Just comes on the forum to let everyone know he's quitting for good and to spend a dozen paragraphs explaining why. Then does it again three months later.

Sample Quote: "For real, this time."

Punishment: Forced to actually quit.

One-Issue Poster

Only has one complaint, but posts about it 15 times a day. This is because nobody else cares.

Sample Quote: "THE LAVENDER STARBELT IS ACTUALLY PERIWINKLE!!!! WHY DON'T THEY FIX THIS??!!!?!"

Punishment: Lavender Starbelt changed to lilac.

The Lifestyler

Wants a bunch of cosmetic changes to a single type of character. Exhibits an eerie level of identification with said character.

Sample Quote: "The Pastry Elves' laugh should be less bubbly and more tinkly. Our giggle should remind you of gazing at the stars as a child, and our smile should make you think of the taste of honey on a cool spring morning."

Punishment: Character icon replaced with accurate photograph of self.

The Deathmonger

Main complaint about the game is that you can't kill everything. Secondary complaint is that the things you can kill don't suffer enough.

Sample Quote: "Why can't I make the baker watch me kill his wife and child, then force-feed their flesh to him until his stomach bursts? What is this, Barbie's Horse Adventure?"

Punishment: To be determined, pending DNA analysis of freezer contents.
 

pancakeman

Diabloii.Net Member
Wow. I don't think I am one of those, but I definitely agree that those are the main species of forumite. If I had a quarter for every time I saw a "I'm qutting D2" thread...
 

SaroDarksbane

Diabloii.Net Site Pal
I identify somewhat with The Magical Realist. Little things bug me inordinately.

I can accept that Dragons can fly despite the obvious weight problems, I can accept fireballs thrown from the hands of magical elf beings, and I can even accept that a Gnome warrior can be just as powerful as a Tauren warrior.

But for some reason, the fact that the warrior skill Overpower is only usable when an enemy dodges your attack, but not when they parry or block it with a shield, really bugs me.

/geek
 

Lord Nyax

Banned
The Deathmonger

Main complaint about the game is that you can't kill everything. Secondary complaint is that the things you can kill don't suffer enough.

Sample Quote: "Why can't I make the baker watch me kill his wife and child, then force-feed their flesh to him until his stomach bursts? What is this, Barbie's Horse Adventure?"

Punishment: To be determined, pending DNA analysis of freezer contents.
Damn Barbie Horse adventure games, ruining MY game experience. (heh, this is why I play Oblivion. It's relaxing to, every once in a while, go on a bloody rampage and murder an entire town). :grin:
 
oo said:
Why can't I make the baker watch me kill his wife and child, then force-feed their flesh to him until his stomach bursts? What is this, Barbie's Horse Adventure?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAWL!!!!!
 
Damn Barbie Horse adventure games, ruining MY game experience. (heh, this is why I play Oblivion. It's relaxing to, every once in a while, go on a bloody rampage and murder an entire town). :grin:
Oblivion is awesome... you can do some pretty kewl stuff on there.



 

Omikron8

Diabloii.Net Member
why the hell do people ALWAYS confuse legitimate concerns with "complaints" or "whining"

does anyone think for a second that you like a game so much that you want to voice your opinion on how to make it even better or address some important issue? no of course not because the customers are always all morons right?

goddamn
 

Hatsepsut

Banned
I identify somewhat with The Magical Realist. Little things bug me inordinately.

I can accept that Dragons can fly despite the obvious weight problems, I can accept fireballs thrown from the hands of magical elf beings, and I can even accept that a Gnome warrior can be just as powerful as a Tauren warrior.

But for some reason, the fact that the warrior skill Overpower is only usable when an enemy dodges your attack, but not when they parry or block it with a shield, really bugs me.

/geek
I can totally relate to that. Little things that nobody else gives a toss about can bug me to no end...

WTB life

edit: and yes, Oblivion is great in that respect. Is this expansion I saw a while back out yet?



 

Merick

Diabloii.Net Member
The unrealistic/terrible idea guy:

Sample quote: "I think the next patch should introduce a new character class that can hold 4 weapons at once, but the only armor they can wear is a special body armor that grants them invisibility for 3 seconds after they are hit."

Punishment: Has to develop own game to see how terrible ideas are.
 

Quietus

Diabloii.Net Member
Hydrogen gas bladders nubcakes, that's how they make those flames.

Depends on what canon you're going on. By D&D rules (in which there are ten proper "true" dragons), dragons have an additional organ in their chest, called the Draconis Fundamentum or something similar to that, which is charged with the elemental energy that powers whatever breath weapon they have - there are four different types of energy that dragons can breathe, depending on what type of dragon they are. For convenience's sake, Red dragons are the ones that most people think about.

That organ is used to provide the immense amount of energy required to power the flight muscles, which in turn move the wings and provide flight. That, combined with their natural strength and their ability to soar on updrafts, all works together. Oh, and they have hollow bones IIRC.

All of this information brought to you by a D&D geek with a draconomicon on his bedside table. :girly:



 

Dondrei

Diabloii.Net Member
If they have hollow bones I'd like to take one on with a mace.

Basically that answer is a long-winded form of "a wizard did it".
 

Quietus

Diabloii.Net Member
If they have hollow bones I'd like to take one on with a mace.

Basically that answer is a long-winded form of "a wizard did it".


Actually, Dragons predate wizardry, but that's a moot point. The Draconomicon actually goes into exacting detail about dragon physiology.

And just because they have hollow bones, doesn't mean that they're any weaker for it. They're still dragons, man, and dragons will beat the living crap out of a LOT of things. Even a newborn baby dragon would be capable of killing you instantly by firing off a single shot of it's breath weapon. The others can be much more creative.



 

UserMathias

Diabloii.Net Member
Hollow bones would at least explain why it's even possible for a melee character to kill a dragon, but it doesn't explain how its skeleton is capable of handling the tremendous amounts of force exerted on it during flight. Or walking, for that matter.

Unless it's a really really strong-but-light mithril kind of hollow bone. Even with all those stretches they're outrageously inefficient creatures and it would probably be better to just say they run on magic. :rolleyes:
 
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