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Exodus of Identity

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by ComfortablyNumb, Feb 24, 2004.

  1. ComfortablyNumb

    ComfortablyNumb IncGamers Member

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    Exodus of Identity

    Somewhere on a dirt path, between here and there, a lonely little cart trundled along. It was not a particularly conspicuous cart, but as it was the only thing to be seen between now and then for quite some time, it drew quite some attention. At least, it would have if there was anywhere there to see it. The point is, the cart was inconspicuous and unimporant.

    The cart was being pulled along by nothing in particular - it could have been a horse, it could have been a bull, it could have been nothing at all. It, like the cart, was inconspicuous. It must have been something, anyway, because the inconspicuous cart was clearly being supported and pulled by the creature. The point is, the cart was moving. How and why is heresay.

    Sitting in the cart was what could only be described as a man. Meaning, it was about six feet tall, dressed in clothing, had long locks of hair hanging from it's head, and possessed a predilection towards choosing exactly the opposite of what is best. The man was speaking mindless nothings to the meaningless nothings around him. It was an altogether fascinating conversation, but there's no real point writing it word for word. The point is, there was an average man having an average conversation about his life with the average meaningless nothings while he sat in an inconspicuous cart being pulled by what could be described as a large animal.

    In the cart was an odd assortment of various objects, and these were just about the only things in this empty landscape which seemed to be sure about their own identities. There were large bags filled with casual clothes - clothes in various shades of black, blue, and white. Sitting in another corner was a mangled, beat up old cane. It did not look as though it could support weight of any level. Lying across from the cane was an equally battered, mangled old shotgun. If the weapon were to discharge, then it would probably prove to be an efficient close-range shrapnel bomb.

    The man was coming from Here. People from Here looked at him oddly, wondering where his inconspicuous cart and it's could-be-animal could possibly be going. He responded simply, "I'm going There."

    He pointed in no general direction into the general blankness surrounding Here. Some people came forward, saying they had been There and there was nothing much worth seeing There. He was better off staying Here.

    The last thing the Man ever said was, he was going There. Here was getting too bland for him. So he set off There, without so much as a goodbye to anyone. He had been travelling for some time now; but the distance between Here and There has no real meaning. The man may as well have been travelling for a day. The point is, he was going There for no real reason other then what was Here was not good enough for him.

    And it looked as though he was nearly there. Meaning, he was There.

    ---

    I once posted my stories on this board about a year and a half back. Who I am (or, rather, who I was) is not really important. Some of you here may know me, many of you probably will not. I took a break, so I could formulate what I described at the time as "one really great story".

    Well, after a long amount of planning, I finally decided to come back. My story was not even started in terms of writing, but in terms of planning it was just about as picked to pieces as you can get in a story. I sat down to write, and found I couldn't bring myself to do it.

    That was a year ago now. I went through a few changes in both my personality and my private life, and now I have returned a much changed person. These changes seem most obvious in my writings - the above being example of what I can whip together in a short amount of time. For those of you who know me, it will be fun to work with you again. For those of you who don't know me, the pleasure is all mine.

    EDIT: This, by the way, is not that story. This is just my little way of reintroducing myself onto the board.
     
  2. Snowglare

    Snowglare Fan Fiction Forum Moderator

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    Peculiar. All that "It's inconspicuous, really!" stuff was annoying me, but by the time you got to the "from Here to There" stuff, which was my favorite part, I was getting to enjoy the story. Or exercise, as it were. Speaking of were, a few things to note...

    "At least, it would have if there was anywhere there to see it."

    Something something subjunctive... I'm nearly certain that was should be were in this instance. "At least, it would have if there were anywhere there to see it." What do you think? Sounds better to me. Oh, and I think you meant anyone.

    "Meaning, it was about six feet tall, dressed in clothing, had long locks of hair hanging from it's head, and possessed a predilection towards choosing exactly the opposite of what is best."

    The possessive form of it is its. It's means it is. It's easy to remember if you just memorize one rule: possessive pronouns never use apostrophes to denote possession. Theirs, his, hers, its, etc. Only nouns use 's.

    "It was an altogether fascinating conversation, but there's no real point writing it word for word."

    I think you should speak as a narrator instead of a writer, in which case this would read "there's no real point in relating it word for word." Reminding us that you're a writer, at least in my mind, conjures up images of you sitting at a desk, writing this, when I should be envisioning the scene as described.

    "If the weapon were to discharge, then it would probably prove to be an efficient close-range shrapnel bomb."

    This is a correct use of "then".

    "The point is, he was going There for no real reason other then what was Here was not good enough for him."

    This is not. You want "than".

    "So he set off There, without so much as a goodbye to anyone."

    Should be "set off for".

    "He had been travelling for some time now; but the distance between Here and There has no real meaning."

    Semi-colon should be a comma, since the two clauses are linked by a conjunction (but). Semi-colons are used in lieu of conjuctions to link two independent clauses. Meaning that if you took away the semi-colon, they could become separate sentences. E.G. He was nearly there; the writer didn't lie.

    Welcome back. Though I found several things wrong with your tale, it was not unpleasant to read. There's nothing about it that makes me want to reread it, but I could do so without any difficulty. A major stumbling block to my enjoyment, or even completion, of many stories is shoddy phrasing that doesn't flow. I didn't see that here. Or There.
     
  3. ComfortablyNumb

    ComfortablyNumb IncGamers Member

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    Well Snowglare, it's nice to see some things never change. Thank you for your exstensive corrections on my grammar. As always, I appreciate it. :)
     
  4. Disco-neck Ted

    Disco-neck Ted The Dark Library

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    Welcome back.

    This has potential, although if the fourth paragraph had gone on to describe how unremarkable the objects in cart were, that would have been too much for me.

    A couple of details:

    -there is no such word as "heresay".

    -"The last thing the Man ever said was, he was going There." This should be clearer that it was the last thing he said to the people in the town, since he obviously says a lot after this, even if he is only conversing with unremarkable nothings.

    -To be consistent with what was written earlier, and maintain adequate vagueness, "an inconspicuous cart being pulled by what could be described as a large animal" might read better as, "what may or may not have been a large animal." Just a suggestion.

    -The cane could not support "weight of any level." Odd way to put it, but not necessarily wrong. Just odd.

    Hope that helps.
     
  5. ComfortablyNumb

    ComfortablyNumb IncGamers Member

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    I know Heresay is not considered a word in the truest sense of the um... word. But I'm sure I've heard it used before somewhere. Thanks for the input anyway!

    This isn't something I really planned out that much, and I was a little naughty when it came to forum rules. Thanks for the input, I always appreciate it. Especially in the grammar department - my biggest flaw.
     
  6. Ãœdorim

    Ãœdorim IncGamers Member

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    Hearsay?

    Although, the word still doesn't rightly fit into where you've got it. Speculation or conjecture fit better in my own ears. Hearsay implies that somebody is a witness.
     
  7. tamrend

    tamrend IncGamers Member

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    Hearsay: Information that is attained second-hand. In courtroom jargon, witness testimony of events that another person actually saw, considered invalid under most circumstances.

    Not to be confused with:

    Heresy ("hair-a-see"): A controversial opinion or doctrine, usually in relation to a dominant religion.

    I'm assuming you meant the first.
     
  8. ComfortablyNumb

    ComfortablyNumb IncGamers Member

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    Obviously. Thanks for clearing that up! I'll try to remember the proper definition from now on, and try not to use it innapropriately.
     

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