Essay Contest

[piff]

Essay Contest

I just wrote an essay for an essay contest, and I really want to win this. Not only will it look good, but the prizes are as follows:
1st: $200
2nd: $100
3rd: $50
I want this essay to be supurb. The competition is open to 9th and 10th graders. It is sponsored by Pittsburgh North People for Peace & Justice. Keep that in mind. The prompt is:
What does the word "terrorism" mean to you?
How does the threat of terrorism affect your life and life in general in the US today?
What can be done to diminish the threat of terrorism?

My essay is below, though I have one question about it for you all to please answer. Do my second and third paragraphs contradict each other too much? Otherwise, any suggestions and critisisms are welcome. Thanks in advance.

Terrorism - n. - the unlawful use or threatened use of force or violence by a person or an organized group against people or property with the intention of intimidating societies. This is dictionary.com’s definition for terrorism. It isn’t quite the same as my definition. If I wrote it, it wouldn’t be able to be defined in a dictionary. Any time a person or organization causes fear in a society using violence, it is terrorism. It can be anything from threatening to bring a knife to school to shouting fire in a crowded cinema. If it causes hysteria among a group of people, it is terrorism. No way around it.
Terrorism does not affect me. That is allowing the terrorists to cause fear and terror. That is the goal of terrorists, to cause terror. Because of this, I refuse to be afraid. I mourn for those lost in terror attacks, but I would never let them affect where I go or what I do. If it affects one person, it has affected too many people, and it has affected many more than one person. The terrorists win if they change someone’s habits. The terrorists already have won. They changed our security requirements at airports. Now we must go to airports two hours early to catch a plane, because of security. Terrorism is a horrible thing, but letting terrorism win is even worse.
There is nothing to be done about terrorism. The only counter to terrorism would be genocide of the terrorists. And genocide would only be terrorism reversed at the terrorists. Many terrorists believe that their suicidal and warlike acts will get them eternal joy and life in heaven. If this is what one believes, there is no way to stop anyone from attempting to obtain this. Terrorist organizations would be frustrated at being ignored, but it would not halt attacks, but merely reduce the number of them. If there is a solution, it is to get more education to the western world about Third World cultures. If we were to better know how they feel and what they believe, it would increase tolerance towards them. If we become more tolerant, they’d become less hostile. There would always be an extremist ready to detonate a bomb on a bus, but there’d be fewer of them. The people of terrorist nations would also need education on our culture, as many third world people believe things about us that aren’t true, but it all must start somewhere, and it should start here, in the home of the free, and the land of the brave.

 

[mysnistaken]

can you use "I" in this essay? also whats your thesis? or do you not need one? and does it seem a bit choppy? or is it just me...

sidenote...i always go to the airport 2 hours earlier before a flight

 

[piff]

It's a 500 word max. essay. The three listed questions was the prompt we were given, and we were to address all of them. Since it asks specifically "you," I assume I is ok for this essay.

EDIT: My essay is currently 440 words.

 

[mysnistaken]

It's a 500 word max. essay. The three listed questions was the prompt we were given, and we were to address all of them. Since it asks specifically "you," I assume I is ok for this essay.

EDIT: My essay is currently 440 words.

hmm...500 words..that really limits things...I would try combining some of the sentences together...so its not just a whole bunch of short sentences..it'll flow better and ...yeah...

o yeah...and the part with terrorism not affecting you...it probably has..just not directly, you stated an example in the last part of the paragraph with the plane thing

 

[Mecal]

the question was what does terrorism mean to him, and he said:
"If I wrote it, it wouldn’t be able to be defined in a dictionary. Any time a person or organization causes fear in a society using violence, it is terrorism

that's his thesis.


anyways nice job dude. i hope you win too!


---
not to hijack, but we had something similar, just for our small school, and i thought i did good, but i didnt win. one of my friends won 3rd place though, and she wrote it at lunch time, in 20 minz!! :rant: oh well, she is a much better writer then me...

edit: 888th post! :winner:

 

[piff]

hmm...500 words..that really limits things...I would try combining some of the sentences together...so its not just a whole bunch of short sentences..it'll flow better and ...yeah...

o yeah...and the part with terrorism not affecting you...it probably has..just not directly, you stated an example in the last part of the paragraph with the plane thing

Thanks. I'll take note of it. More suggestions are welcome. I'm signing off for the night, but I'm going to check back in the morning to fix the essay and read your revisions. Thanks again.

 

[sunbearie]

I'm gonna resist re-making your statements so just some minor suggestions from me.
1) Use "would not" instead of "wouldn't" etc in a "formal" essay like this.
2) It is kinda choppy. Short sentances can be used often to keep the person's attention but not if you lose the momentum.
3) Agree with snitaken about you being indirectly affected by terrorism. What it hasn't affected you is your attitude towards terrorism.

"If it affects one person, it has already affected too many people and it has affected many more than one person"

Its a bit confusing. Try not to repeat the same word too often in a sentance like
" If it affects a single person, that is already one person too many. Today, thousands of us have been affected or in-convenienced by their actions" etc which leads into your pt abt your airport checks etc. Insert the pt about terrorists winning somewhere.

Read your essay out loud. If it sounds choppy or strained, then it probably is, so just rearrange your sentances.

Good luck to ya! I like your stance. Its good and unique. I hope you win!

 

[Empired]

Good luck! :thumbsup:

 

[ULTIMATER]

Good luck to you.

I suck at English, so i leave the correction to the others

 

[piff]

Well, along with your suggestions, I turned it in this morning. Our school always sends the most essays (about 40) and we compete with about 10 other schools. Some schools only send two or three essays. I compared my paper with other people of my class, and I feel really good about this. If I win, talk about a fluke, I'm horrible at writing.