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elegy

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Hatsepsut, May 25, 2005.

  1. Hatsepsut

    Hatsepsut Banned

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    elegy

    I feel the need to share.
    I have to be the "strong one" in my family, always have been. The one who nobody ever really worries about since "She'll be fine, she's so strong"-sort of thing.

    Well, my stepfather passed away this sunday and I'm turning to you people to lament a bit. Don't get me wrong, this is not a case of me having nobody to talk to or being lonely, it's rather a case of me not really being heard when I complain since everybody assumes I'm so damn mature strong blah blah whatnot and don't really need a shoulder to lean on. Well I still do sometimes.

    He was 54 years old and one of the dearest friends I had in this world. Bronek (as was his name) was a wonderful person. He was the most intelligent man I have ever met and had the most wonderful sense of humour, which coincided exactly with mine. There was nothing he couldn't discuss or argue and not come out on top. Whenever I had a difficult question I turned to him, whenever I needed something fixed, I turned to him, whenever I needed advice...well I'm sure you get the point by now...

    I don't know how to deal with death. My brother died 3 years ago at the age of 22 and I still haven't begun to "deal with" it. I miss him so much already it's undescribeable and the world surely is a lesser place without his presence.

    There. Can't think what else to write, even if there is lots on my mind.
     
  2. Dutchman

    Dutchman IncGamers Member

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    I hold the same role in my family Hats so I know how difficult it can be. My sincerest condolences for your loss and hang in their kiddo. :(

    Dutch
     
  3. Amra

    Amra IncGamers Member

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    ((Hats))

    So sorry to hear that E.

    I remember when you lost David (?) too.

    My advice: just be yourself. You owe it to yourself to react how you want (and need) to react. If you need to cry, then cry. Do not modify your behavior or reactions in order to fit others expectations. Please don't do that. It's not fair to you and it's a burden that you don't need to carry.

    You take being strong and throw it out the window.

    You need to grieve without expectations, fear, or whatever. Be yourself.

    Don't keep anything inside. Let it out.

    All our best to you.

    - A
     
  4. MixedVariety

    MixedVariety Banned

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    Same here, Hats. I have to be the rock in the family, and sometimes inside, I feel like clay. Can't let that show, though. Most of the time it's fine, but once in a while I turn frantically from side to side and wonder, what rock can I turn to if I need to?

    Death isn't something you really can deal with. It doesn't go away, it just fades with time. Scars over, but it's always there.

    I'm sorry for your loss. Big internet hug for you.
     
  5. Keldaris

    Keldaris IncGamers Member

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    YOu have my condolences. I have been in your position a couple of times now, and it hurts everytime. Time heals all wounds, i know thats rather cliche but it is true. The best advice i can give spend time with some close friends, and family.
     
  6. Necrolestes

    Necrolestes IncGamers Member

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    Virtual shoulder available here

    I have lost friends and family and I'm glad it doesn't get any easier; I don't want to stop caring. It is both normal and necessary to grieve over loss and anyone that says otherwise is lying to both you and themselves.

    You have my sympathies, Hatsepsut.
     
  7. nosoup4crr

    nosoup4crr IncGamers Member

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    You won't forget. But your mind will learn to cope with remembering differently. After a while, sorrow will be replaced with other things--humor, nostalgia, fear. Now, you might mourn his not being here to argue with you. But soon enough, you'll remember him in contexts where you can laugh and say, "If i had said that to him, he would've gone off on me" or in a way where you'd say, "if it weren't for my stepfather, i would've lost that argument." This experience will probably make you stronger as well. The hardest things in life always affect us the most. You will be better because of this.

    Personally, I think it's a misconception that there has to be a "strong one." Mourning is a necessary to closure. Be careful not to disallow yourself this privelage. If you don't, it can seriously mess with you later--guilt, coping skills, etc.
     
  8. DurfBarian

    DurfBarian IncGamers Member

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    :(

    What is three years? You knew him for an entire lifetime. There's no reason to expect yourself to already have gotten over a loss of that magnitude.

    He's always your brother. He always loves you, and you him. That'll still be true in another three years . . . and thirteen, and thirty. You'll always know that loss.

    The same goes for Bronek. It's way too soon now to begin "getting over" his loss. It will probably be too soon to deal with it completely even after some years have passed. Just like in the case of your brother.

    These people were central parts of your life. With them missing from it, you're going to feel emptiness where they were. Don't hold yourself to some kind of schedule for filling up those empty spots.
     
  9. jimmyboy

    jimmyboy IncGamers Member

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    In the Asian culture, what we do is put up photos of our deceased loveones. And on the date that they passed away, we usually have get togethers to share stories of their life and visit their graves. So that old saying is true. In Asia, one never dies.

    Hope this could help. I know from the experience that it really helps with the healing process. And in a way, it does feel like your love ones are sort of on vacation and has not really gone.
     
  10. theBlackKnight

    theBlackKnight IncGamers Member

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    Condolences. :(
     
  11. Amra

    Amra IncGamers Member

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    Durf has a good point here. They will always be a part of you. I lost my brother in '82 and I still mark the day every year. Same with my father in '89.

    Such a difficult topic to talk about.... words don't seem to make sense.
     
  12. Hatsepsut

    Hatsepsut Banned

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    Thank you all. You are quite right. I will do what I want and need to do, while at the same time dealing with all the practical stuff that needs to be dealt with.

    B wrote a book and I want to get it published, so any advice how to go about that is welcome.

    Funeral people are vultures...not including carving the stone, which we have not yet received a quote for the costs are already up to SEK 15000. :mad:

    There's a long and angry rant in here somewhere about the state of health care in Sweden too, but I'll save that for laters.

    *hugs*
     
  13. myleftfoot

    myleftfoot IncGamers Member

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    It's easy to think no one will listen to. But if you say what's in your heart/head they'll listen.

    *Thinking to myself ... didn't you say you're convinced you met your father after he died i.e. a spirit (ignore this if you wish)*
     
  14. DurfBarian

    DurfBarian IncGamers Member

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    I've never had to deal with funeral expenses or Swedish health care, so I've got no advice there. Please consider this a wordless hug and many pats on the back instead. :)

    I do work at a publishing company, although I don't know a thing about the publishing scene in Sweden. (I'm assuming the book is written in Swedish, after all.)

    In Japan and America, though, there are basically two ways to get a book published:

    1. Sell the book's print rights to a publisher. It has to be a book that the publisher thinks will make it some money; the best thing to do is to go to small, niche publishers who specialize in the area that book is in. What's the book about? If it's a travel journal maybe there's a company like Avalon in America that would do it; if it's in some other field there might be a specialist publisher for it. The problem with this approach is that companies are quite picky about the books offered to them.

    2. Do the publishing yourself. There are companies called "vanity presses" or "subsidy presses" that will take whatever you have (Word .doc, print-ready .pdf, whatever sort of data you can get to them) and publish as many copies as you want. It's quite expensive at the lower end of the print run--if you want 10 copies the price per copy might be up around $100-$200, if you want 100 copies the per-copy price comes down to $30, and so on. It's not a great way to go if you are trying to sell the book, but if you just want a few copies and aren't worried about making a profit from them this is the sure (but expensive) way to go. (You can google for "on-demand publishing" to get more information on a newer kind of vanity press; you send them the data, they keep it on file, and whenever someone orders the book they print one up and mail it out. Again, this is mainly for if you want to sell the book for money, but it's expensive at lower numbers of sales.)

    Keep posting in here when you feel a rant building up. You have a captive audience of fans. :)
     
  15. Hatsepsut

    Hatsepsut Banned

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    myleftfoot; no, you must be confusing me with somebody else.

    Thanks for the advice Durf;
    Said book is in english and it's fiction bordering on sci-fi. The style is humoristic, Douglas Adams-ish, Monthy Python-esque with quite a few serious undertones, a bit of history and a little philosophy thrown in aswell. Hmm hard to describe for me, as I'm not entirely comfortable with classifying litterature. I admit I'm biased :p but I must say the language is excellent and the story well put together and ever as good (if not better) than a hell of a lot of paperbacks I've gone through (and I buy and read quite a few of those).

    I will start looking into what possibilities there are as soon as things slow down here a bit. Come to think of it, I have an uncle that's a writer but then again that's in Poland.

    Not in a ranty mood today but I'll get back to it. :p
     
  16. Ranger14

    Ranger14 IncGamers Member

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    Sorry to hear what you have been going through Hats...I think Amra and Durf have said what I would say. I lost a close friend two years ago and I still have a tough time at first when I return to places where we would spend time, but I focus on the good times we shared, knowing that he would want me to live my life with the same zeal and passion that he did when he was here and not dwell on his passing forever. I will never forget him...he taught me a lot of people and living life to its fullest.
     
  17. Hatsepsut

    Hatsepsut Banned

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    Yes, I find myself just sitting and staring a lot of the time, thinking about the good memories we shared. B used to crack me up. His sense of humor was completely sick and twisted and exactly like mine. When he found out his liver was bad and that he might need a transplant he chased me around the house with a knife trying to steal mine. That's the kind of wit I'm talking about. ;)
     
  18. AeroJonesy

    AeroJonesy IncGamers Member

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    Somehow I have a feeling he wouldn't want to be remembered any other way. :)
     
  19. Amra

    Amra IncGamers Member

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    That's too funny! :)
     

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