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Druid Giveaway... NOW!

Discussion in 'Druid' started by TheBassman, Sep 3, 2006.

  1. TheBassman

    TheBassman IncGamers Member

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    Druid Giveaway... NOW!

    As my other thread stated I'm leaving D2 behind me and moving on.

    My account is up for grabs with every piece of gear I had on it.

    13 SOJs
    Perfect Jalal's
    Mage Enigma
    4 or 5 100+/25+ AR/Life GCs
    20/18 Dtorch
    13/18/8 Annihilius
    EBotDz 396%

    And more.

    My initial way of giving it away was a story about D2 that you've experienced. BUT, I really haven't heard many good jokes so post your best joke and the one that makes me laugh the most will get my account.

    Rules:

    One joke per person

    200 Post count restriction

    More then 1 thread on the druid forum.


    Go go go post your jokes, I'm not going to give it based on current wealth because everyone should get a chance so feel free to post.

    ~LesC
     
  2. inkanddagger

    inkanddagger Banned

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    Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the *** by a rattlesnake.

    "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

    He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.

    "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."

    The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

    "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.

    "He says you're gonna die."
     
  3. sunflowersmooth

    sunflowersmooth IncGamers Member

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    lol good joke
     
  4. roomba

    roomba IncGamers Member

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    A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"

    "Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

    "Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"

    "I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
     
  5. trooper

    trooper IncGamers Member

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    Heck is a place for people who don't believe in Gosh.
     
  6. Rabbitz

    Rabbitz IncGamers Member

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    Southern University Psychology

    At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
    "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

    "Sadness," said the student.

    "And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

    "Elation," she said.

    "And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

    The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ."

    :D
     
  7. Within

    Within IncGamers Member

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    lTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

    He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
     
  8. Zammerd

    Zammerd IncGamers Member

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    A man is already in bed, reading a magazine, while his wife is still looking in the mirror. After looking at herself, she says to her husband:

    Wife: "Oh dear, just look at me... I'm getting old, I'm fat and I'm ugly... I could really use a complement right now."

    Husband: "Well... at least you still have good eye-sight dear."

    Zammerd
     
  9. HarbingersOfSkulls

    HarbingersOfSkulls IncGamers Member

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    200 Post count restriction

    Too bad we can't add two 00's to the end of your post count...although the joke was about a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10 (if that).

    HoS
     
  10. TheBassman

    TheBassman IncGamers Member

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    I've looked through them and Rabbitz is winning. Not because his joke was the funniest but because the guy who said giddy up is sooooo stupid. :thumbsup:

    I'll let this thread go until tonight until I announce the winner.

    Come on post your jokes and remember the 200 post count restriction.

    Also, thanks for pointing it out to zammerd, HoS.

    ~LesC
     
  11. RealmOftheWolf

    RealmOftheWolf IncGamers Member

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    A irish man walked OUT of a pub ^^

    that was just for fun ill enter this one.

    There was a english man, a irish man and donald duck treking through the woods until they stumbled on a haunted house. They decide to go in one by one to check it out.
    The englishman walks in and hears a voice.
    "I am the ghost of auntie Mable who left the fiver on the table"
    The englishman runs out screaming.
    The irishman walks in and hears the same voice
    "I am the ghost of auntie Mable who left the fiver on the table"
    The irish man drops his beer and stumbles out.
    Then donald duck walks in hears same voice.
    "I am the ghost of auntie Mable who left the fiver on the table"
    He responded
    "well im Donald Duck who grabbed the fiver and ran like ****"

    Lame but meh ^^

    Just got back to d2. Took a break for personal reasons and forgot to keep accs open ^^
     
  12. IMCanadian

    IMCanadian IncGamers Member

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    I'm gona tell two because I like these jokes. I'm not aloud, so um...pick the first one I guess.

    An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.

    The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion. "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."

    They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.

    "Okay", says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them."

    Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming orgasm.

    The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see there young man, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!

    Other joke:

    A child walks in on his parents having sex. Starteld the parents pull the blankets over themselves. The son asks: daddy, what are you doing? Thinking quickly the father replies: Ahh, son you know how you always wanted a brother? Son:Yes!? Father: Well, I'm putting one in mommy for you.
    Excited, the son runs back out of the room.

    The next day, upon returning from work, the father notices his son sitting on hte sidewalk crying. The father asks: Whats wrong son? The son replies: *sniff Sniff*, You know how last night you put a brother in mommy for me? Confused, the father replies: yes? Son: Well, this morning, while you were gone, the mailman came and eat him!

    Hope you like em!
     
  13. LeegionOnEast

    LeegionOnEast IncGamers Member

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    Adam was walking around the garden of Eden, moping. God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam replied that he was lonely and didn't have anyone to talk to.

    God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.

    Adam asked God, "What will this ''woman'' cost?"

    God replied, "An arm and a leg."

    Adam thought a moment and asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
     
  14. Zammerd

    Zammerd IncGamers Member

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    So I can't compete because I haven't got 200 post yet? Well... I guess it's normal for these kinds of threads :azn: I haven't got experience with posting on this forum (as on any other... ), and I haven't paid attention to it, so... sorry :rolleyes: gl to the others!
     
  15. Voice

    Voice IncGamers Member

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    I would just keep your gear .... your gonna hate when you come back in a month or so and have nothing....




     
  16. TheBassman

    TheBassman IncGamers Member

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    Realmofthewolf is winning. I know the he didn't want me to count the irishmen joke but I'm going to because it made me laguh so hard lol. :laugh:

    Thanks for your concern voice but I won't be coming back.

    ~LesC
     
  17. Joshua

    Joshua IncGamers Member

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    A couple of my favorites….somewhat long.

    Bill is working his first day at one of those super stores (where they sell everything from tools to groceries) and is being taught how to use the register.

    His first customer comes up with a door hinge, Bill tells him “that’s $5 for your hinge, here is your change, have a nice day sirâ€.

    His boss shakes his head and tells Bill he did that wrong. Bill says “what did I do wrong? I was pleasant, charged the correct amount and gave the correct changeâ€. The boss tells him “you should have tried to up sell. You could have sold him screws and a screwdriver to go with the hingeâ€. Bill replies “I don’t get itâ€. The boss tells him to watch the next sale.

    A man places a bag of grass seed on the counter and the boss says… “sir, that will be $ 5 for the seed and $ 5 for the garden hoseâ€. “What garden hose?†the man replies “I don’t have a garden hoseâ€! “But sir†says the boss “if you plant that seed you will have to water itâ€. The customer says “your right†then goes and gets a hose.

    The customer returns with the hose and the boss says “sir, that’s $5 for the seed, $5 for the hose, and $ 5 for the fertilizerâ€. “What fertilizer?†asks the customer. “well sir if you are going to plant and water the seed you will need to fertilize itâ€. “Good point†says the customer and goes for a bag of fertilizer.

    Again the customer returns and the boss says “sir, that will be $5 each for the seed, fertilizer, and hose, and $400 for the lawnmowerâ€. “what lawnmowerâ€? says the customer. “Well sirâ€, replies the boss, “if you plant, fertilize, and water the grass it will grow and you will need a lawnmowerâ€. “your right†says the customer, who then gets the lawnmower and leaves.

    “See how that workedâ€? asks the boss. “You bet†says Bill who was very impressed “watch, I can do thisâ€.

    The next customer is a lady with a box of tampons.

    Bill tells her “Ma’am, that will be $5 for the tampons and $400 for the lawnmowerâ€.

    “Lawmower?!†yells the lady “what lawnmower?â€

    “Heck lady†says Bill “you can’t screw all weekend. You might as well cut the grassâ€.

    -------------------

    Three friends are out hunting on the first day of deer season. They are all in rough shape due to too much partying the night before and Joe stops by a tree to pee while his friends move on.

    After a couple of hours one of his friends bags a deer and the remaining 2 clean and gut the deer then notice they haven’t seen Joe for a while so they go to look for him.

    They find Joe leaning against a tree, with his pants down, passed out. As a joke they retrieve the pile of deer guts and place it under Joe, take their deer to the truck and start honking the horn.

    Several minutes pass then Joe comes running up to the truck. Panic in his voice he exclaims “quick, you guys gotta take me to the hospitalâ€.

    His friends ask why (while trying not to laugh). Joe replies;

    “I passed out while peeing and crapped my guts out…but, by the grace of God (holds up hand) and these two fingers…I got them all back in!!â€

    Crude I know….but I like em.

    Joshua
     
  18. Kiba

    Kiba IncGamers Member

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    One day, Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest when she sees a wolf sitting under a tree with his ears erect and his mouth stretched in a big toothy grin.

    She says to the wolf "My what big ears you have!" The wolf just grins and looks a bit wild about the eyes. She says "My what big eyes you have!"

    The wolf grins a bit wider and looks slightly harassed. She says "My, what big teeth you have!"

    "Look" (says the wolf looking her in the eye)
    ":censored: off! I'm trying to take a dump!"
     
  19. TheBassman

    TheBassman IncGamers Member

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    No matter how much the Irishmen joke made me laugh, Elohims' joke made me laugh 10x harder. LMAO.

    :thumbsup: :jig:

    EDIT: Once I hit 25 posts I'll make my decision.

    EDIT2: Joshua, sorry you don't hit the 200 post count mark so I can't count your jokes.

    ~LesC
     
  20. Joshua

    Joshua IncGamers Member

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    I could post 5 more times really fast :rolleyes:
     

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