Don't you just hate poems? Even if they are about death. i

Cooked

Diabloii.Net Member
Don't you just hate poems? Even if they are about death.

The sun broke through one morning
For what I saw there was no warning
The land was seared a charcoal black
Of death and dying there was no lack
The stillness broken by just one sound
That of life ebbing all around
Joys and hopes now shattered dreams
Only echoes of frightened screams
The terror I felt so deep inside
Another breath I could not abide
The searing pain the awful fright
As I realize what happened that night
Was only in my mind and I can see
All the dying is just in me

I know this is not really that good but it was the best I could do. Hope someone, um, finds it interesting I guess.
 

Cooked

Diabloii.Net Member
If that is the only thing wrong with this I would be surprised but thank you.

I know nothing about writing beyond a sophomore high school class and one semester of English 102 at a community college. I do read a lot.
 

The Last Melon

Diabloii.Net Member
Well, if you want a fully in-depth review, I would say that the rhythm is unusual for this sort of piece. It's very lyrical, like a children's rhyme, which creates somewhat of a contrast. Whether that's a problem or not, I'm not sure.
 

Cannon Fodder

Diabloii.Net Member
You fall into a common trap to people not familiar with writing poetry, which is that you let yourself become a prisoner of rhyming. The structure of your lines and language choice seems awkward and forced at times, and it looks like it's because you're stretching for that rhyme.

"For what I saw there was no warning"

Is a good example of that. Taken in context we understand what you mean and are in most part willing to take the leap necessary for this to make sense, but strictly speaking and out of context it's a little off. Using "from" instead of "for" would improve it, but the line itself is a bit redundant. If there was no warning, then we already understand that you didn't see any.

I'm not really sure if you were looking for a line-by-line on this one, so I'll leave it at that. Not a bad attempt, but try to keep in mind in the future that poems don't have to rhyme. You have a lot more freedom to express yourself when you're not trying to conform to a strict AA, BB, CC... scheme.
 

Cooked

Diabloii.Net Member
Thanks Cannon, you are correct in your observations; I wrote this little thing along time ago. The other stuff I posted is more recent though not all that good I realize but I hope some of it invokes some familiar feeling in some readers.

The thing I find interesting is there is kind help for structure and grammar but few comments on how what is written makes people feel.
 

The Last Melon

Diabloii.Net Member
Well, this poem didn't particularly affect me. Mostly because I'm not big on poetry, but also the poem was just too rhythmic to let me think about what you were describing.
 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Sorry about these comments being a little late.

The thing I find interesting is there is kind help for structure and grammar but few comments on how what is written makes people feel.
I think, to some degree, it's hard to unlink things like structure and the overall effect of the poem on the reader. As Cannon Fodder mentioned, there're a fair number of lines that seem forced so as to fit the rhyming scheme, and frankly, that's what I noticed the most, because it stood out more than the imagery. The descriptions and such themselves were, in my opinion, a little too general to really invoke something particular, though the ending was a bit interesting and eerie. If you're of a mind to work on this more, I'd consider cutting out lines that seem redundant and pick one or two images that you'd like to play up some more.

Thanks for posting!



 

Cannon Fodder

Diabloii.Net Member
The thing I find interesting is there is kind help for structure and grammar but few comments on how what is written makes people feel.

I tend to focus on issues of structure, word choice, and such. I'm still searching for my poetic voice to some degree, so I don't feel qualified to criticize that of others. On the other hand I'm fairly solid at the mechanics, so I try to help where I feel I'm qualified. However, if you're looking for that I can try my hand.

RK had a good point in that it is hard to focus on the emotion when distracted by the structure. Try to work on describing emotions instead of naming them. Simply saying "I'm sad" won't create an emotional response in a reader. On the other hand, describing an event that would create sadness, or using words and flow to create that feel can create a strong reaction. Also, try to make your images and metaphors fit reality. When you say

"The stillness broken by just one sound
That of life ebbing all around"

I'm left wondering to myself what the sound of life ebbing actually is. I can't think of a sound that would fit that description, and it distracts me from what the poem is making me feel.

Overall, I understand what the poem is trying to make me feel, and I can identify to some extent with the ideas of internal struggle and pain presented. However, the poem doesn't really suck me in. I can see the emotions in the poem, but it doesn't make me feel them while reading it. I'm also left a little confused as to whether the sun coming out is meant to indicate that the pain is ending and the narrator is looking back on it, or if the pain continues and the sun signifies something else.



I'll take a look at some other stuff you've posted as you had mentioned. If you guys are poetry buffs I may post one or two of my own. I had always thought of this subforum as solely fan fiction.



 

RevenantsKnight

Diabloii.Net Member
Pardon the aside, Cooked; I'll be quick, really!

I'll take a look at some other stuff you've posted as you had mentioned. If you guys are poetry buffs I may post one or two of my own. I had always thought of this subforum as solely fan fiction.
A lot of people seem to have that perception, which is a pity. From the FAQ: "Even though this is a Diablo II Fan Fiction Forum, you may posts works of any genre. The focus is on writing, any writing, not just fan fiction."



 

Cannon Fodder

Diabloii.Net Member
A lot of people seem to have that perception, which is a pity. From the FAQ: "Even though this is a Diablo II Fan Fiction Forum, you may posts works of any genre. The focus is on writing, any writing, not just fan fiction."

Interesting, wish I had realized this sooner. Although, I do spend far too much time on these forums as it is. I'm just finishing up a final poetry portfolio for a class, so I think I'll plunk down one of those when I'm finally happy with it. I know I've got a short story or two lying around somewheres too...



 

Cooked

Diabloii.Net Member
I want to thank all of you guys again for your help and observations here. There is always room for considered opnion and I will learn from it. Thank you all.
 

FrostyTheSnowSorc

Diabloii.Net Member
I enjoyed this poem... Although at times it did seem a little forced. I'm no expert, Just giving my 2 cents.

All-in-All, nice work.
 

Dr Phil

Diabloii.Net Member
I have to be honest I don't like it, but it is a dam good poem! I'm just not a poem person so don't take my opinions of disliking it too seriously.
 
Top