Coping with Teen Pregnancy?

NightProwler

Diabloii.Net Member
Coping with Teen Pregnancy?

The title says it all, but of course I'll elaborate a bit, since my mind is spinning right now.

One of my close friends from work recently revealed to me that she may be pregnant, courtesy of someone she had just met a week prior, and, being only 17 years old, she is at a loss for what to do, and it is really taking its toll on her, emotionally. Most of the time, she can turn to me for advice, or for someone to talk to, but at this point, she feels that she has completely let me down, and that she would prefer if I never spoke to her again. This is because I've known that she's been sexually active for at least a few years, and also we've been getting quite close since we've known each other, but not to that extent. She told me that she only did this because she thought my feelings for her were slowly diminishing, and that I "wouldn't mind" if she did it. Of course this completely blew me away, especially since she didn't think of the potential consequences. I really don't know whether I should be with her now to help her through this, or to just back off and let her deal with it by herself, which is want she wants. I only hope that I can help her, but also I don't want to go against her will, even though I truly believe that's what she wants.

What's worse is the fact that she's always told me she would be the one to use the appropriate measures to prevent something like this from happening, and the fact that she completely ignored this really boggles my mind. The fact that she would be willing to take the risk, and completely ignore the consequences is just something I don't understand, and since she is now pregnant because of this, her regret in regards to this is huge

Now, the caveat is, this guy is someone I've known on and off since elementary school, and, despite being 19 years old like myself, works full time and actually wishes to follow through with the pregnancy, something I wholeheartedly disagree with, as she does too. Personally, I think that any guy who is willing to be sexually active, at least at this age, without taking appropriate precautions, is just someone who is totally unfit for such a job as fatherhood, but am I wrong for thinking this? If I had my way, I would make it so that she never sees this guy again, because of his stupidity and negligence, and my anger towards him is incalculable. However, then I consider that she DOES have some responsibility in regards to what happened, so should he be the one to bear it with her, regardless of what we both think? This is another gray area that I'm not quite clear on...

Finally, she has been asking me whether or not abortion would be a good idea, and with all the research I've done, it looks like it could be, but the ethical questions raised say the opposite. After all, should she be the one to bear this responsibility because she did it of her own volition, or should I be there like I always have. I'm definitely leaning towards the latter, since someone her age doesn't deserve this, regardless of her actions. Am I right in saying this or not?

Any help or support would be greatly appreciated, as I'm just losing my mind, and she's an emotional wreck. Thanks.
 

Ariadne

Diabloii.Net Member
You may have known this guy since kindergarten, but you can't tell whether he'll be a good father or not. Sometimes, becoming a father, changes a guy into a responsible person.

It's not just him not taking precautions. Usually I say that guys should too and I still say that but she could have realised where this is heading.

Guys will always think they have a say when women get pregnant but in the end it's the woman who as to deliver it, and the woman who takes care of it most of the time (and I dont just mean in the beginning).
Yes I'm generalizing, you can name me all the situations where it is otherwise but we all know what it's like in most cases.
So in the end, she decides to keep the baby, or not.

*if anyone wants to know why I feel that strongly about that, aswell as about abortion, feel free to ask, but don't expect me to talk about something rather personal in the open. I might one day, but it won't be today*

And if she doesn't want your help, the only thing you can do is tell her how you feel, what it does to you, and how you hope she will allow you to help her. That it's her decision but that your door is always open for her.
 

PlagueBearer

Diabloii.Net Member
The title says it all, but of course I'll elaborate a bit, since my mind is spinning right now.

One of my close friends from work recently revealed to me that she may be pregnant, courtesy of someone she had just met a week prior, and, being only 17 years old, she is at a loss for what to do, and it is really taking its toll on her, emotionally. Most of the time, she can turn to me for advice, or for someone to talk to, but at this point, she feels that she has completely let me down, and that she would prefer if I never spoke to her again. This is because I've known that she's been sexually active for at least a few years, and also we've been getting quite close since we've known each other, but not to that extent. She told me that she only did this because she thought my feelings for her were slowly diminishing, and that I "wouldn't mind" if she did it. Of course this completely blew me away, especially since she didn't think of the potential consequences. I really don't know whether I should be with her now to help her through this, or to just back off and let her deal with it by herself, which is want she wants. I only hope that I can help her, but also I don't want to go against her will, even though I truly believe that's what she wants.
If she wants you to back off, then back off. There's no responability for you to try and play baby-daddy here, especially when the child's real father is apparently willing to step up to the plate.

What's worse is the fact that she's always told me she would be the one to use the appropriate measures to prevent something like this from happening, and the fact that she completely ignored this really boggles my mind. The fact that she would be willing to take the risk, and completely ignore the consequences is just something I don't understand, and since she is now pregnant because of this, her regret in regards to this is huge
Anyone can say whatever they want about what they do behind closed doors and how well they operate under the influence of hormones pumping through their bodys, but as they say, the proof is in the pudding.

Now, the caveat is, this guy is someone I've known on and off since elementary school, and, despite being 19 years old like myself, works full time and actually wishes to follow through with the pregnancy, something I wholeheartedly disagree with, as she does too.
Good. It's refreshing to hear about an illigitimate father willing to do the right thing.

Personally, I think that any guy who is willing to be sexually active, at least at this age, without taking appropriate precautions, is just someone who is totally unfit for such a job as fatherhood, but am I wrong for thinking this?
Yes.

If I had my way, I would make it so that she never sees this guy again, because of his stupidity and negligence, and my anger towards him is incalculable. However, then I consider that she DOES have some responsibility in regards to what happened, so should he be the one to bear it with her, regardless of what we both think?
She has EQUAL responsability for the pregnancy as the guy in question. You focus all your anger on the father, saying that he's not fit for fatherhood because he didnt use protection... well guess what bud, neither did she. Does that mean she should never be a mother?

If you'll forgive me an observation, it seems to me that your "incalculable" anger at him is based more on your feelings for the girl. I think it's selfish and irresponsible to try to give her advice on this issue given your alterior motives.

Finally, she has been asking me whether or not abortion would be a good idea, and with all the research I've done, it looks like it could be, but the ethical questions raised say the opposite. After all, should she be the one to bear this responsibility because she did it of her own volition, or should I be there like I always have. I'm definitely leaning towards the latter, since someone her age doesn't deserve this, regardless of her actions. Am I right in saying this or not?
The decision is hers, and hers alone. Even if she begs you to make the call for her, don't; she'll be the one stuck with the ramifications of either choice, either the guilt or the child, not you. If anyone else should be involved it should be the father.

Any help or support would be greatly appreciated, as I'm just losing my mind, and she's an emotional wreck. Thanks.


 

NightProwler

Diabloii.Net Member
Alright, sorry if I sounded a little offensive towards the guy in question, but I've never had to deal with something of this magnitude, so I think it's only natural to side with the one I've known for a long time, and even if she does want me to back off, it's just not in my nature to do so. I'll see how it pans out over the next couple of days, and whether or not I should keep insisting to help. If she still remains intent on shutting herself off, then I'll let the other guy work it out with her, and just drop it from there.

Once again, sorry if I sounded more offensive than I intended to, but thanks for the advice, regardless.
 

Ariadne

Diabloii.Net Member
Alright, sorry if I sounded a little offensive towards the guy in question, but I've never had to deal with something of this magnitude, so I think it's only natural to side with the one I've known for a long time, and even if she does want me to back off, it's just not in my nature to do so. I'll see how it pans out over the next couple of days, and whether or not I should keep insisting to help. If she still remains intent on shutting herself off, then I'll let the other guy work it out with her, and just drop it from there.

Once again, sorry if I sounded more offensive than I intended to, but thanks for the advice, regardless.
:sad2: ? I didn't think there was anything offensive about the way you posted it. I did face a language barrier when posting my reply though.



 

Star Dust

Diabloii.Net Member
Everybody makes mistakes. Deal with their consequences and learn from them.

You have three options. First, she could get an abortion. Second, she could let the pregnancy finish and put the kid up for adoption. Last, she (with or without the father) could birth and raise the child. Choosing the right one depends on a number of specifics about everybody's life situation, something I'll leave you to sort out. But pick one and make the best of it.

As for her not wanting to include you, just say that you're there for her if she needs you.
 

rykuss

Banned
Plaguebearer said a lot of what was going through my mind after reading your post. Is she still living at home? Has she told her parents? It sounds to me like you are a very close friend, one that she knows she can count on for advice. I'm sure she values your opinions. I've been here before and it's difficult, especially at your age. Some suggestions if I may:

1) Do not lecture your friend Now is not the time to point out mistakes.

2) Do not preach on or get into the Pro Life/Pro choice debate. This may inadvertently sway her to make a decision that she simply won't be able to live with later.

3) If she requests some distance, by all means give it. Just reaffirm that you WILL be there for her should she need you. She and this guy have some things to work out and perhaps she recognises the tension between the two of you. This complicates things and they are pretty well complicated already, don't you think? :wink3:

4) Give yourself some time to reevaluate your feelings. Just an observation but it seems that your feelings go well beyond that of friendship. How has this effected you? Be honest with yourself here. Feeling a bit betrayed? Can you see yourself being as close with her now? Most importantly, don't feel obligated to step up and be the father. Are you really ready for that anyway? That shouldn't be the basis for a relationship.

She needs to tell her family, it won't be easy but their support is essential IMO. If she did indeed do this on purpose, then I would suggest some counseling as well.
 

PatMaGroin

Diabloii.Net Member
Women have just as much responsibility when it comes to contraception as men do. There are far more ways than using condoms to prevent pregnancy, most of which are in the 'feminine hygeine' aisle, if that tells you anything.

If I were you, I would applaud the would-be father's willingness to do his share with the pregnancy. That's a very refreshing change these days.

I think she should hear him out, and let his ideas somewhat influence what she decides, but ultimately it is her decision. You can make a case for or against any of the three options (birth, abortion, adoption) without bringing ethics into it. It basically just boils down to what she thinks she needs to do in her life.

Like everyone's saying, don't be a pusher. Just be there if she needs you, nothing more.
 

P2blr

Diabloii.Net Member
Everyone makes mistakes, hell I've even had a few scares myself despite the knowledge and... precautionary measures I've been given by teachers and my sister. The way I see teen pregnancy, regardless of cause, is three options: Keep baby, Give baby up for adoption, Abortion.


if you keep the baby, your life is pretty much focused on the urchin and you have to crawl out of the pit that's been dug. There may be supportive people in your life, and all my hopes are that there are those people, but it's still on your head to keep the baby healthy.

giving the baby up for adoption, on the other hand, means you go through all the pains of childbirth, and none of the challenges of parenthood, but also none of the joy, yet.

Now,abortion, my favourite option. There's always a chance of screwing up the womb of the woman, if done by Jack's Discount Abortions especially and the later in the pregnancy the chance grows. As for the good points about it: no baby. No responsibility until you are ready to handle it. No embarrassment, no harassment.
As for those posters on the bus I laugh at "It's their life too... choose life", what kind of life would the child be brought into? Unless the parents are rich or has an extremely supportive group of people, there's going to be a radical downgrade in the life of the parent and kid.

As for your particular situation, stay out of it unless she expressly asks you to be in it and even then, as all have said, don't make the call for her. Try to answer her questions as unbiasedly(unlike I have) as you can.
 

PatMaGroin

Diabloii.Net Member
P2, did you read any of the replies? No one's crying about the moral quandry that is abortion, and I'm going to preface this by saying that I am very far from 100% pro-life.

Your haphazard attitude towards abortion is kind of creepy. Abortion is a very big deal, and often leaves behind quite a bit of emotional baggage, and shouldn't be taken so lightly.
 

Ariadne

Diabloii.Net Member
Everyone makes mistakes, hell I've even had a few scares myself despite the knowledge and... precautionary measures I've been given by teachers and my sister. The way I see teen pregnancy, regardless of cause, is three options: Keep baby, Give baby up for adoption, Abortion.


if you keep the baby, your life is pretty much focused on the urchin and you have to crawl out of the pit that's been dug. There may be supportive people in your life, and all my hopes are that there are those people, but it's still on your head to keep the baby healthy.

giving the baby up for adoption, on the other hand, means you go through all the pains of childbirth, and none of the challenges of parenthood, but also none of the joy, yet.

Now,abortion, my favourite option. There's always a chance of screwing up the womb of the woman, if done by Jack's Discount Abortions especially and the later in the pregnancy the chance grows. As for the good points about it: no baby. No responsibility until you are ready to handle it. No embarrassment, no harassment.
As for those posters on the bus I laugh at "It's their life too... choose life", what kind of life would the child be brought into? Unless the parents are rich or has an extremely supportive group of people, there's going to be a radical downgrade in the life of the parent and kid.

As for your particular situation, stay out of it unless she expressly asks you to be in it and even then, as all have said, don't make the call for her. Try to answer her questions as unbiasedly(unlike I have) as you can.
Oh please.
You obviously don't know what it's like to be pregnant, else you'd not even consider writing this.

And as for precaution - and this isn't aimed at you mind you - don't always blame the woman. I'm so tired of hearing that due to emancipation the woman should have been the one taking responsibility. I think it's BOTH their responsibility.
That one only aimed at those who think that way.



 

P2blr

Diabloii.Net Member
You obviously don't know what it's like to be pregnant, else you'd not even consider writing this.

obviously, and why not? I think, with the exception of emotional issues, it's quite sound, but please explain your view.

PatMaGroin said:
did you read any of the replies? No one's crying about the moral quandry that is abortion,
A few of them. I know, I've just had little participation in these types of threads and thought that this would be a good place to bring it, besides the look on that chick's face in the poster is so creepy. If i can find it I'll show it here.


PatMaGroin said:
Your haphazard attitude towards abortion is kind of creepy. Abortion is a very big deal, and often leaves behind quite a bit of emotional baggage, and shouldn't be taken so lightly.
Why shouldn't it? It seems to me like a quick, permanent solution to an even more permanent problem. Besides, I like the view of Agent K in MiB, "A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals"
Less people = more persons. that's the way I see it.



 

Ariadne

Diabloii.Net Member
obviously, and why not? I think, with the exception of emotional issues, it's quite sound, but please explain your view.
I'm afraid that's rather personal. And it's the emotional issues that matter, they go deeper than you can imagine.
Having a child, or giving one away for adoption, or having an abortion, is not so simple and sound as you make it sound.



 

P2blr

Diabloii.Net Member
I thought that the financial issues were the ones that mattered, at least to me those are the most important. To me, a baby is a baby is a baby. When a new set of parents go to look at their new one (in that room where they are supposed to go) they have to ask 'which one is ours?' because as soon as they get out they are all essentially the same, same little feet, same little faces, same little hands. while you most likely would feel emotional attachment to your own baby, until you know which it is yours they're all the same. If you can accept that little babies are all the same from the beginning but diverge because of their surroundings, then time (having a baby now versus having one when you're ready) should be of little consequence.
But! if you don't see it the same as I do, that a baby is a baby is a baby, then I don't think we will see eye to eye. but hey, that's your own opinion and this one is mine.
 

Ariadne

Diabloii.Net Member
I thought that the financial issues were the ones that mattered, at least to me those are the most important. To me, a baby is a baby is a baby. When a new set of parents go to look at their new one (in that room where they are supposed to go) they have to ask 'which one is ours?' because as soon as they get out they are all essentially the same, same little feet, same little faces, same little hands. while you most likely would feel emotional attachment to your own baby, until you know which it is yours they're all the same. If you can accept that little babies are all the same from the beginning but diverge because of their surroundings, then time (having a baby now versus having one when you're ready) should be of little consequence.
But! if you don't see it the same as I do, that a baby is a baby is a baby, then I don't think we will see eye to eye. but hey, that's your own opinion and this one is mine.

A baby is a baby but when it has grown in your own body it does feel different.

Of course financial matters are very important, but you will never understand how emotionally complicated it is for a woman.



 

bg1256

Diabloii.Net Member
She needs someone to be there for her, but only you will be able to make the judgment call if that person should be you.

I have my own feelings about abortion, so I might be biased, but here's my two cents anyway.
First, I think the father's feelings about the pregnancy do matter. If he wants the baby, he should have some say in the matter. And remember, it's not all his fault this pregnancy happened. You seem to be blaming him more than her, and the responsibility should be equally shared. And imo, the father has as much a right to the child as the mother does.
Second, I think adoption might be a much better option than abortion, especially given the psychological effects abortion can have on the mother. But, you should know that I am against abortion as a form of birth control, so take my opinion for what it's worth.


edit: holy crap, this thread has been hijacked worse than normal.
 

TonoTheHero

Diabloii.Net Member
She needs someone to be there for her, but only you will be able to make the judgment call if that person should be you.

I have my own feelings about abortion, so I might be biased, but here's my two cents anyway.
First, I think the father's feelings about the pregnancy do matter. If he wants the baby, he should have some say in the matter. And remember, it's not all his fault this pregnancy happened. You seem to be blaming him more than her, and the responsibility should be equally shared. And imo, the father has as much a right to the child as the mother does.
Second, I think adoption might be a much better option than abortion, especially given the psychological effects abortion can have on the mother. But, you should know that I am against abortion as a form of birth control, so take my opinion for what it's worth.


edit: holy crap, this thread has been hijacked worse than normal.
If the fathers opinion matter, then what happens if he wants to keep it and the mother doesn't? :evil: It sounds nobel but can you really vouch for that "the father having some say in the matter" has any practical meaning in reality?. Sure the mother could choose to listen, but that's up to her isn't it?



 
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