Bush Elected Pope!
Just got this email:
Just got this email:
George W. Bush Elected Pope!
Catholic Cardinals Stunned!
Reported by Willie E. Davis
The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose a
successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed
amazement. Cardinal Mohoney, the Vatican spokesperson, had this to say:
"We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our votes using these new
electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored George W.
Bush over all the Catholic candidates. The last Pope, John Paul, was a
superb linguist, fluently speaking 11 languages, this one can't speak
fluently in one language. We just don't know what to say."
The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as
President of the world tomorrow morning, when "W" travels to Rome to begin
his duties as Pope.
George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden:
"I am honored to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War Pope. I
promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike that I will be embodied
in salvation and fair in the performance of my duties. I am a Unitifier, not
a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as many lost souls as I can,
at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, as it is well known that Heaven is
a very select place, indeed, it is more exclusive than even the best of
country clubs. It is a members only Heaven. I may have to put a fence around
"I will preform miracles in a fair and balanced manner. Just as God used to
wipe out entire races of people without warning, burning whole towns of
perverts, killing off an entire nations, and drowning everybody without a
ticket to board Noah's Ark, I shall deliver the world from Evil Empires as I
unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations.
"I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased family
members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not allow those awful
Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and I will put and end to the
clergy marrying choirboys.
I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed heathens,
demon-possessed voodoo-hoodoo, barbarians whose Pseudo-religions that don't
accept Christ as the Light of Democracy, and who worship fake, made-up gods.
They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them with
my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for eternity in Hell,
because Me and God don't take no prisoners!
Remember, it is written in the Gospel of Luke, or.... maybe it's Larry,
ugh, 12, ugh, 5 or something, that Jesus told us we are to live our lives in
FEAR of God and the Terrorists, for God and the Terrorists have the power
not only to kill us, but to torture us forever in Hell.
And to you Non Believers and Democrats, I say, I can't wait to see you burn
in Hell, I mean it.....I can't wait!!!"