Re: another relationship thread, serious help only please
Hi,
I have a lot of things to say here. First, sorry to hear about your situation. Hopefully, my insight can help in this matter. I live a life of celibacy which has given me a vantage point to study women from a distance without being influenced by them. The following are just my observations which you may wish to take with a grain of salt.
I've learned that men see relationships as 'serious business'. Women, alternatively, often see relationships as a lark (nothing too serious, all fun and games, and for the moment). I can't help but wonder if she was ever really keen on staying with you forever in the first place. There is a mental map theory of sorts on this. I believe if you matched up with the map she has in her head, she would be the one fighting for you. I wonder if she has made you think that she is deeply enthralled by you, when really you were just a friend in her eyes. Pehaps she keeps saying she loves out of fear of what you might do to yourself if you heard otherwise.
By the sounds of your posts, she seems to have alarm bells in good working order. I believe she does not want profound attachment to someone who is too controling, emotionally unsatbale, volotile, or unreasonable. She may feel like she is being kept on a short leash. Even from across the ocean or where ever, you want control and you wish to pull her closer. I would go as far to say she may have left to flee from you, or as mentioned, it's all just a lark and fun adventure with you being on the sideline. Sometimes it's hard to accept the cold truth that we are not as important as once thought.
[your emotions may be for the loss of your sense of self-worth rather than the loss of the partner.]
I think the other posters are doing you a good service. I agree with them that things are over and it's now all about minimizing the damage. You are clearly more devoted to her than she is to you, so something is wrong.
Obviously, you can't change the reality of you wanting to win her back. You should, imo, deal with these emotions by exploring them further. I think a good way to release some of you feelings is to listen to Bryan Adams' 'Back to You' which pertains greatly to your situation. Just by expressing your desire to reach her may help get things off your chest. You can make up a fantasy of getting her back; at least this is something you can do since the real thing is impossible for now.
You have to consider if she is really worth fighting for. If you are doing 90% of the fighting, feeling and fretting while she is shoping around for other men, is the prize really so great? Even if you won her back, won't this happen again on the next little trip? Look at what her behavior has done to you. She is casually exploring the possibility of seeing someone new even though she surely knows how devastating this would be for you. You've got to worry about yourself now instead of her.
Let all this bad experience be a lesson to you. Men focus on the important things only. Women take in everything and disregard nothing: your behaviors, every word, every microexpression, every flaw, every cosmetic issue, everything you've ever worn and when you wear particular combinations you never thought of since men don't care about such things. You're hair isn't parted right from walking in the wind? She makes a note of it. You skiped shaving for 3 days instead of 2? She notices that. They notice everything you glance at. Do you have a widow's peak, double crown, receeding hairline, thin hair, attached earlobes? If you have just one of those, it could be over. She could date you for 6 months and it was over the moment she saw you. It's game over, you are not the one because you have thin hair or some other silly trait. Women are good at finding chinks the armor, or inventing them, and I beleive she has found weakenesses in you that even you weren't aware of.
It could be something as ridiculous as: the new guy puts gel in his hair and you don't. Should you really work yourself up into a depression over the whims of one girl? You want a woman who will choose you for your important qualities, not mere cosmetic ones.
Next time, you have to put your best foot forward. You have to be bulletproof. Don't slouch, don't stutter, don't say anything to anyone when she is around, don't do anything. Don't even breath. For now though, be strong.
The business-like manly thing to do is, well, (and this is going to sound strange again) is do nothing. There was a line from the movie Bean, "If you do nothing, nothing can go wrong." The right thing to do is wish her the best (and do your best to sound like you mean it), take it like a man, be rightous, and be in control at all times. You can't control her, but you can control you. Act like nothing is wrong. Put your emotions on the back burner where they belong when it's time to communicate.
Also consider that if you have nothing, nothing can go wrong. At least she didn't drag this out for years and turn it into a future custody battle. It sounds like you are devastated and crushed by her casual exploration of new relationships despite it being garaunteed to hurt you. It is natural for you to feel so hurt. At least you now know the nature of the beast. I would advise that you disallow her from toying with you further. Simply wish her the best and remember she doesn't see you as the valuable person you really are.
