Erm...this needs work. To be honest, this read a lot like an off-the-cuff first draft, as there were a lot of mischaracterizations of the Diablo game world, and my attention kept drifting away from the plot to focus on side issues of the story, such as grammatical errors. Some suggestions for Chapter 1:Arkuss said:feel free to write your comments about these chapters. ideas for the story would also be nice. if u got somthing you want to say then say it i dont really mind.
There was a lot in this sentence that I found awkward or incorrect; as this is the opening sentence, Iâ€™m afraid it biased me somewhat heavily against the rest of the story. First off, â€œGoblinsâ€ arenâ€™t Diablo creatures; Diablo was explicitly designed to not use the classical, Warcraft-type races, so your inclusion of them is jarring, to say the least.Arkuss said:One afternoon in the Goblin Encampment Throg, a ruthless Goblin leader was preparing his army of 200,000 Goblins to attack a Monistary held by ancient Amazons.
Iâ€™m assuming you mean the Diablo II NPC â€œKashyaâ€ here. If thatâ€™s the case, please, please make sure you spell the name correctly, â€˜cause if you donâ€™t, youâ€™ll drive people nuts. And by the way, she leads the Rogues, not the Amazons. Believe me, the distinctionâ€™s important. Also, â€œwhat will happenâ€ is in the present tense, and most of your narration appears to be generally in the past tense; therefore, this should be â€œwhat would happen.â€Arkuss said:Kaysha, the leader of the Amazon tribe had the vision of for-sight and could see what will happen if the Goblins were to attack.
There should be a comma after â€œAmazons,â€ â€œmonasteryâ€ is misspelled, and â€œoverrunâ€ is one word, not two. Additionally, â€œset in flamesâ€ sounds wrong to me; Iâ€™d just leave it at â€œwould burn.â€Arkuss said:The Monistary would be set in flames and the Goblins would over run the Amazons destroying the ancient civilization.
First off, itâ€™s â€œKashya.â€ Next, you need commas before and after the phrase â€œknowing this would happen.â€ Lastly, thereâ€™s an extra space between â€œTempleâ€ and the closing period.Arkuss said:Kaysha knowing this would happen had sent a rider out to the Necromancer Temple .
Does it really matter that the messenger put 40 kilometers of distance between her and the monastery before this happened? Frankly, I couldnâ€™t care whether it was 4 or 400; either way, it doesnâ€™t seem to affect the plot. Additionally, the fixation on a number makes this sound too scientific, just as the 200,000 bit did earlier. Also, â€œhad detected herâ€ should be simply â€œdetected her.â€ Misspellings: other than â€œmonastery,â€ â€œimmediatelyâ€ is also misspelled, as youâ€™re missing an â€œe.â€Arkuss said:The rider made it 40 kilometers away from the Monistary when a Goblin Scout had detected her and immediatly attacked.
Again, the number really doesnâ€™t matter, does it? If itâ€™s not vital to the plot, youâ€™re better off axing it and just saying â€œfor a distanceâ€ or something. Misspellings: â€œpersuitâ€ should be â€œpursuitâ€ and â€œat leastâ€ is two words.Arkuss said:The Goblin was in persuit of the Amazon rider for atleast 3 kilometers until he was knocked off his Warg by a Holy Warrior.
That should be â€œimmediately.â€Arkuss said:The Goblin got off the ground and immediatly charged after this Holy Warrior.
â€œ...and the battle beganâ€ is unnecessary and breaks up the flow of the story; if you just dive into the melee, the fact that the battle started should be apparent to the reader.Arkuss said:The Warrior pulled out his Crystal Sword and the battle began.
You need commas after â€œGoblin,â€ â€œshield,â€ and â€œWarrior.â€ Once youâ€™ve got that, rewrite â€œbut missingâ€ to â€œmissing with.â€ Finally, â€œswongâ€ should be â€œswung.â€Arkuss said:The Goblin using a one handed axe with a large shield swong wildly at the Warrior but missing every swing.
That should be â€œtried.â€ This is kind of a nice touch on how highly the warrior thinks of himself, though.Arkuss said:The Warrior grinned as the Goblin tryed to hit him.
This should read â€œAt last, the warrior grew fed up with this goblinâ€™s lack of skill and he simply swung and took off the goblinâ€™s left leg.â€ Note that the possessive form, â€œgoblinâ€™s,â€ is used in the revised sentence to denote that the goblin owns things, in this case a lack of skill and a left leg.Arkuss said:At last the Warrior was fed up this Goblins lack of skill and he simply swong and took off the Goblins left leg.
That should be â€œ...walked up to...â€ As it is, it sounds like he walked up him like one walks up a flight of stairs.Arkuss said:The Warrior walked up the crippled Goblin and kicked his sword away from his hand.
Erm...why the heck would an elderly woman be used as a horseback messenger? Either the warriorâ€™s wrong on her age, sheâ€™s ridiculously spry for â€œancient,â€ or Kashyaâ€™s a moron.Arkuss said:" Why did you attack this ancient female?" asked the Warrior.
That should be formatted as â€œ...kind nothing. In 50 days...â€ Also, thereâ€™s an extra space after the first opening quotation mark.Arkuss said:" I will tell your filthy kind nothing", " In 50 days all the Amazons will die and then the rest of your pathetic human race!" yelled the Goblin.
You need a comma after â€œheart.â€Arkuss said:The Warrior just looked at the pathetic and helpless creature and stabbed him in the heart killing him.
Personally, Iâ€™d delete the part from â€œlessâ€ to the end of the sentence, because the warrior has no way of knowing that. If you do want to clue the reader in on this, do it in a separate sentence, because this oneâ€™s focused on the warrior. Even after that, you need a comma after â€œAmazon.â€Arkuss said:The Warrior looked for the Amazon but she was long gone less then a kilometer away from the Necromancer Temple.
*takes deep breath*Arkuss said:The Warriors face went pale knowing of the evil that lies there but their was nothing he could do now she had to be atleast 20 kilometers away.
Instead of â€œholder,â€ Iâ€™d use â€œscabbardâ€ or â€œsheath.â€Arkuss said:The Warrior put his Crystal Sword back in its holder and his Tower Shield on his back and continued to walk towards the Monistary.
That should be â€œTwo days passed...â€Arkuss said:Two days had passed since the Goblin encounter and the Amazon rider.
I think you know what Iâ€™m going to say about that number and why...Arkuss said:The Warrior had walked over 50 kilometers without rest and finally had the Monistary in his sight.
This could be nice, except for...well, I think you can guess what. Itâ€™s an interesting visual effect, but the numbers just make this seem way too technical. Thereâ€™s a beauty to something like â€œIt seemed like he could reach out his hand and touch it, but if he had tried, all he would have felt was airâ€ that numbers just donâ€™t even approach. Yes, this isnâ€™t incredibly specific. But you know what? In a story, Iâ€™d take it over a surveyorâ€™s report any day.Arkuss said:It looked like it was about 30 meters away but it was actually over 2 kilometers.
Iâ€™d just make this â€œ...and he noticed the Amazon running...â€; I donâ€™t see a reason for this to be in the passive voice (was running.)Arkuss said:He turned around to see what it was that he had heard and he noticed the Amazon was running down a small hill.
â€œWhatsâ€ isnâ€™t a word and should be â€œwhatâ€™s,â€ which is the contraction of â€œwhat is.â€ Also, there should be a question mark after â€œon,â€ with â€œwhyâ€ starting a new sentence within the quote. Finally, thereâ€™s an extra space between the opening quotation mark and the speech; this seems to be an overarching problem that you should fix, so Iâ€™d advise checking all your speech for this.Arkuss said:" Whats going on why are you running and where is your noble horse?" asked the Warrior.
There should be a comma after â€œhaste,â€ inside the quotation marks.Arkuss said:" Hmmm... run to your Monistary and make haste" demanded The Warrior.
That should be â€œtheir dark magic.â€ â€œTheirâ€ indicates possession of something, such as in this example. â€œThereâ€ is an adverb used to denote a place, manner, moment, etc.Arkuss said:" We need there Dark Magic to help us against the Goblin assault!"
The comma after â€œkill themâ€ should be a semicolon, and you need a comma after â€œwith them,â€ inside the quotes.Arkuss said:" I never said I was going to kill them, I said I was going to deal with them" The Warrior said.
That should be â€œThe warrior reached...â€Arkuss said:The Warrior had reached the top of the hill and his face went pale and his eyes grew wide.
You need another comma after â€œleader.â€Arkuss said:Lord Von, the Necromancer leader was fighting off 5 Goblins at the same time.
That should be â€œoutnumberedâ€ and â€œsurprise.â€Arkuss said:The Goblins were out numbered but still had the element of surprize and managed to have quite a successful attack.
Iâ€™d rephrase â€œhaving no mercyâ€ to â€œmercilesslyâ€ and add a comma after that. Also, â€œthe Goblinâ€ should be â€œa goblin.â€ Finally, â€œuncombatableâ€ is not a word; Iâ€™d say â€œ...and unable to fightâ€ instead.Arkuss said:Having no mercy The Warrior would cut off their heads, arms, legs or anything that would cripple the Goblin enough to make him useless and uncombatable.
You need commas after â€œminutesâ€ and â€œdead.â€Arkuss said:After a good 20 minutes all the Goblins lay dead along with half of the Dark Magic Necromancers.
You mean â€œhideous,â€ not â€œhidious.â€ Also, you need commas after â€œyou,â€ â€œwarriorâ€ and â€œcreatures,â€ and â€œsays,â€ which is in the present tense, should be in the past tense, or â€œsaid.â€ Lastly, you need a period after â€œVon.â€Arkuss said:" Thank you brave warrior for your help against them hidious green creatures " says Lord Von
â€œ...who had came to you...â€ should be â€œ...who came to you.â€ Also, you need a period after â€œwarrior.â€Arkuss said:" .... Why did you attack that Amazon who had came to you for your help against them? " asked The Warrior
The first quote here should start off as â€œWell, you see, itâ€™s like this: we were...â€ The second quote here seems unnecessary; Iâ€™d suggest deleting it.Arkuss said:" Well you see its like this, we were all travelling to the Monistary when we got ambushed by Goblins." " The Amazon did not notice them attack us for she was a good 100 meters away."
Without the context of the Diablo game engine, this makes no sense. Again, while itâ€™s not necessary to assume that your reader has no knowledge of the game, that knowledge is best incorporated into the story in a way that doesnâ€™t bash the reader over the head with a reminder that this is all based off a computer game, because written works and electronic games are drastically different in terms of what is considered â€œgood.â€Arkuss said:" One of my men shot a Bone Spirit near her to get her attention and she ran off thinking we were attacking her."
That should be â€œLetâ€™s.â€Arkuss said:" Lets just get to the Monistary. "
The first thing you should know, is that Revenantsknight is actually a robot. I try to make it a point to tell all new members that. Nearest I can tell, he's some sort of half-evil machine that needs grammar to survive.Revenantsknight said:RevenantsKnight please dont post a reply with all corrections i'm a 15 year old guy trying to write a story that I think is cool not a 18 year old guy trying to become an author for a career.