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A temporary break from all the fiddle-faddle

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by Anakha1, Mar 5, 2004.

  1. Anakha1

    Anakha1 Banned

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    A temporary break from all the fiddle-faddle

    A serious rant today. Sorry, but you all knew it was bound to happen sometime.

    Rants are therepeutic. It is an experiment into my little world like a small, tentative poke to see what might lie beneath. I need an outlet for what may be bothering me, even if whatever I’m writing about has no relationship to the subject on my mind. I suppose I am concerned today about what makes me, or anyone for that matter, happy. Is it people? A place? Things? I don’t know. I really wish I did. Ask yourself, and really consider it, is the thing that you most long for, the one thing that you think would make you happy… would it cancel everything else out? I’m wondering what that one thing is for myself, and I’ve been wondering for a long time now. I’m not badly off. I’m better off than a lot of people. I have money, relative success (for my short 21 years), intelligence, ambition, women, relatively good looks and a probable successful future. I'm quite content, but why aren’t I happy? There are little things that I want. Things that I can’t name, can’t have or don’t fully realize. It’s the state of mind that I want. In order to be happy… I want happiness to overcome me. Now how do I get that?

    These little things or big things that we wish to change about ourselves are becoming us, one by one. We don’t like something about ourselves so we change ourselves to overcome it. Self-improvement is an admirable quality, no doubt, but I wonder how far can it go? Can I be the perfect human being by replacing this about me, altering that, behaving this way? Can I make myself happy? Does it just happen? Is happiness an attitude or chemical or the result of effort to change the things that happen to us? Unfortunately I can speak for no one but myself.

    I’ve tried doing this and that to be better, stronger, worry less, eat better, get smarter, change my attitude, get a better outlook on life and I still have yet to find the answer. Oh, I have people to talk to about things and vent frustrations and such. I have great friends; the depth of how much I care about them surprises even me. I’m always thinking about at least one of them at any given time. But I have trouble even talking to them about a lot of things that go on inside my head. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to bother them with it, as I know they each one of them have their own concerns and worries. Maybe it’s because I don’t really know how to put these things into words or am concerned about sounding stupid or ungrateful for the things that I have had bestowed on me, or bestowed upon myself. I do know that it is never easy to understand someone’s mind, and mine is certainly not the easiest of the lot of them.

    I think everyone is a prisoner inside their own mind, cut off from almost everyone else. Perhaps I feel isolated, trapped in a prison with no walls, no doors and no one in sight. It sounds like I’m trying to be martyred right? Not so. At least not intentionally. After all, no one can understand the depths of you, either. Rather, I feel like I am struggling against the chains of my own limitations bonded to my mind by fear, uncertainty and doubt. I know very well what I have the capability to do, what my strengths and weaknesses are and what things I need to work on. I am held back, though, by worries I hold, maybe my general outlook on life. I am cynical, previous posts on here would make any denial of that laughable, but I have always held the highest beliefs and hopes deep inside for what I can do and what to hope for other people. I can’t place what is holding me back. Maybe I just need a push forward, a special chance… or a swift kick in the ***. If I can get that then I believe there is no limit to the quality and amount of the things I can do. I’m straining against those chains… but they are not breaking yet.

    Life is not just an attitude, but a collaboration of ideas, feelings and other things that I cannot place. I remember many good times in my past. Times like being blissfully happy with past girlfriends, family, friends, Christmases, birthdays and all the usual things. I could cling to these memories and might relive a second or two of their reminiscent joy, but I would rather expect new ones to arise. I have a greater fondness of looking forward to something than looking back on it. I would not expect myself to be simply content with things from the past. I need to move forward, to never be completely satisfied until I have achieved the one great thing that I desire most of all... and I have no idea what that is.

    There is something burning in my mind and it fills me with a great restlessness and irritability. I need to do something, to be something specific and I cannot place it. As shy as I usually am I have never held back on anything important. I’ve wanted the same job since I was 5 years old and have been doing everything I need to get there. But this new thing, which has been ripping me up for months, is something that escapes me and it is driving me bananas.

    It is the holy grail of happiness. I'm marking time until I figure it out. I know it is there, but cannot reach it. I think you have one too. If you have any idea about what I’m talking about, or even have the determination to read this far down in the verbose, overly written diatribe, maybe you can share what it might be.

    Perhaps this is life’s way of telling me to always continue looking, to never stop being the best I can be, whatever that may be. Can I reach that goal? Is this feeling of something out there, something that I have to be or to do or whatever actually tangible and achievable? I guess only time will tell. I just wish I didn’t know it was out there. The only thing worse than knowing what you’re missing, is not knowing.

    I think that’s all I have to say about that.

    Clearly there are far more many questions than answers in this article. I’m sorry to all those who read through this whole thing looking for great insights, but unfortunately I have none to give. There will be no great revelations or solutions here today, but I promise next time I’ll be back to my same old rants and raves about the fibbles and foibles of life.

    [/rant]
     
  2. Tridge

    Tridge IncGamers Member

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    contentment is the la-z-boy of the damned.

    i myself am afflicted with a similair plight
    have no fear, the human spirit prevails in the end
     
  3. DurfBarian

    DurfBarian IncGamers Member

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    You're 21. You're not supposed to have the answers right now. I'll let you in on a secret: You won't get them in the next 12 or 13 years, either. At least I haven't.

    You have goals that are rather clear, and you work toward them. That places you above a great many people on the ladder of progress in life. But it's not enough to bring you to the top of that ladder--or even to let you glimpse it--because the ladder doesn't have a top.

    If you don't know what you're looking for, you need to give yourself time to try anything and everything, in the hope that one or more of those things will be the right path to follow.
     
  4. dantose

    dantose IncGamers Member

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    Well, how about God? sounds like that is what you are missing. That is exactly what fills the similar gap in my life. I have my share of funks and everything but through it all I know that there is something higher than me, someone looking out for me. finding real faith is the hard part, once you find it though God shows you enough that you can't really doubt. At least that's how it is in my life.
     
  5. Anakha1

    Anakha1 Banned

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    Sorry, dantose. It's a nice sentiment, but I've tried walking that path before. It doesn't sit well with me. I can't bring myself to believe in a deity.

    I'm looking for self-fulfillment through personal achievement or something like that. Finding it in extraneous principles and beliefs won't do it for me, I don't think.

    *grabs Durf by the front of his shirt* Give me the answers or I'll mop the floor with you!!!
     
  6. dantose

    dantose IncGamers Member

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    well, suit yourself but I don't think you will ever find what you are looking for through personal acheivement.

    who knows, maybe he'll get your attention yet. And yeah, I figured you wouldn't like that answer ;)
     
  7. Anakha1

    Anakha1 Banned

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    It's not that I don't like the answer. I recognize that religion has filled the gaps in the lives of many people. I just don't think it would work well for me. For one thing I want to feel that I succeeded on my own without any charity or extra help. Getting assistance from an omnipotent being would be quite far from that. ;) I also don't like the idea that I belong to anyone. In short, while it works for many people, religion just doesn't match my personality type.
     
  8. masterazn

    masterazn Banned

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    Some things are just left unanswered because they have no answer.....
     
  9. DurfBarian

    DurfBarian IncGamers Member

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    1. Telemark skiing
    2. Dark beer
    3. Saving enough money to buy a ski lodge
    4. Getting a big fridge for the lodge
    5. Putting dark beer in fridge

    That's about it, really. Let me know if you need help with the list.
     
  10. Kore

    Kore IncGamers Member

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    I've always felt that happiness is a relative matter. Its measure is the change in your situation. I can empathise with the want of a holy grail of happiness, but I don't think any such thing exists. Once I've achieved something, I'm happy, for a while. Then I need to move on to the next thing.

    One way I've heard someone explain this idea is "a King who's slowly loosing his fortune is less happy than a homeless man who just found a crusty piece of bread in the garbage."
     
  11. Silvermyst

    Silvermyst IncGamers Member

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    I can't really give any definite advise as I lack any experience in the matter. But from what I've heard (from parents and others), nothing can teach you more about yourself then going out and travelling the world.
    It gives you something to look forward to, it keeps you occupied and constantly doing new things, etc.

    Of course you probably can't afford to just pick up and go right away, but it's always something to do later on, and like durf said, you probably won't find what you're looking for anytime soon, so there's plenty of time.
     
  12. toader

    toader Banned

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    Im with what Dantose said. Your void seems very similar to one I once had and I know many people that did as well.

    Its not so much "religion" that fills the gap, but a personal relationship with Him. Im not trying to push it on you, I just wanted you to understand that (IMO), there is a difference between religion and a personal relationship with God. Religion (or going to church and fellowshipping with other who share your feelings) just came naturally.
     
  13. frygia

    frygia IncGamers Member

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    Erm, have you ever tried to watch a Simpson's episode? Some people feel enlightment comes after that . . .
     
  14. AeroJonesy

    AeroJonesy IncGamers Member

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    LOL. I think Anakha might have the most Simpson's knowledge in this forum.

    Have you tried community service? I dunno, after reading your post, community service came into mind.

    Have you read Siddhartha? It's about his quest for enlightenment, and all the different places he goes looking for it. I bet you'd find it really interesting.
     
  15. Anakha1

    Anakha1 Banned

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    Actually community service is a good idea. I've been thinking about it a lot lately since I need to do some anyways to help me get into the RCMP.

    And I have all the enlightenment from the Simpsons I can get as I have just about every episode memorized. Futurama, too. :teeth:

    Toader: Unfortunately I can't just make myself believe in God. If I could... hey, maybe I even would. But I've tried that and every ounce of my brain screams illogical.
     
  16. MixedVariety

    MixedVariety Banned

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    Good luck. Personally, I found I felt that same sort of unease, incompletenesss, whatever you may call it, until I got married and began reproducing. It wasn't until then that I felt complete, whole, content with life in general.
    I'm not suggesting, by any means, that this is what you need. I'm trying to say that you'll probably stumble on what makes you happy quite by accident, and like me, won't realize it until you stop and think to yourself one day, "Hey, that crap doesn't bother me anymore, does it?"
     
  17. SomeCanadianGuy

    SomeCanadianGuy IncGamers Member

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    I'm probably not one of the better people to be giving advice on life, but here's my two cents (looks more like a buck fifty with how long it is...). Hope it's worth something...


    I believe you might have stumbled across something quite true, although only partially related to Anakha's apparent quest.

    "Happiness is not a fish you can catch" was the name for an Our Lady Peace CD quite a few years back. Even though I don't like their music, I like that statement. In comparing happiness to a fish, they quite accurately, imo, point out just how slippery happiness is. It's not something that you can work towards because the moment you think you'll have caught up with it, it'll just slip between your fingers and seem even further than it was before for the simple fact that it was right there in front of you.

    You mustn't allow this quest for happiness to overcome you. Let it go a bit, revel in the little things that keep you somewhat happy. If going to the gym and pumping iron gives you a tinge of satisfaction, then build on it a bit. Not too much, or else you'll end up wearing out that source. In true quebecer, "trop c'est comme pas assez." ("Too much is just as bad as not enough.") Figure out some of the things that give you even a little bit of joy in your day (even if that means using a hockey stick to crush spiders from 6 feet away...) and try to add to them, to develop them further.


    I too thought I knew exactly what life held for me. From the age of 7 up until about 4 months ago, all I wanted from life was to be a veterinarian. My whole life aimed me for that.

    I went to a highschool for smarter kids with higher demands than normal ones; 30 hours community service a year, minimum 70% average, all enriched courses, bla bla bla. Hauled *** in my final year and brought my average up from a 78% the year before to an 86% in sec. 5. Get into a good cegep in the proper program, research all my possibilities for University. Then, first semester, I have a near failure. I say near because everything turned out ok in the end. Point is, that was a wake-up call for me, of sorts. It actually made me take a step back and reevaluate what I wanted from life.

    Maybe that's what you need to do (unless you've already done it, then all this is just the sound of time whooshing by us both; I for writing all this, and you for reading it...). Stop everything you're doing (not literally, but you get the point), take a step back, and look at your life. What is it that you're going for? Is it something that you like enough to spend the next 40 or 50 years of your life doing? Is it something that will allow to take from life everything that you want (i.e. money, women, family time, travels or whatever)? Or are you just trying to attain that goal for the same reason that I had kept with the idea of being a veterinarian: you haven't considered any other possibilities so, if you lose sight of this one, you'll be lost to worry?

    I had all sorts of fuel to keep writing, but supper interrupted me in the middle of it all, so this is all I've got for now. I just can't seem to get the same train of thought back. I hope this managed to help out a bit. If not, I'm avalaible for trout beatings mondays through wednesdays after 6, and fridays all day long... :teeth:
     
  18. Technetium

    Technetium IncGamers Member

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    I think that part of being unhappy arises with a sense of uncertainty about the meaning of your life. I think that being an atheist (and I am one, like you) makes this especially difficult. If you believe that life just ends after you die, it begs the question of what the point of everything is. It's not a happy thought, and all of those accomplishments you've mentioned are going to get outweighed by this.

    The only answer I've been able to come up with is that you find a way to leave a mark on the world. I was staunchly against having children for years, but at some point I really thought about it and realized that it answered my question. Some day I want to have one or two of those. If I raise them right, then it is sort of as though I have a say in what happens to the world after I'm gone. It makes the thought of my own eventual nonexistence less frightening (though I still want to keep that day as far away as I can).

    I'm not saying that's the only answer, though. Just what I came up with for myself a while ago. There are plenty of other ways you can make your permanent mark on the world, but they may be harder to accomplish.
     
  19. frygia

    frygia IncGamers Member

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    Buddhism and specifically the story of Siddharta (even the one told by Herman Hesse) is fascinating IMO. Even if you won't find any answer there, Anakheto dear, I suggest you read it :)

    The story of Milarepa (Tibetan Buddhist) is another one I find inspiring.

    Loved the trout on your tar :) Have you considered using a trout to find the meaning of life?
     
  20. DurfBarian

    DurfBarian IncGamers Member

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    <aside> Hesse's Siddartha is not the Buddha; Gautama makes an appearance in the book as a separate character entirely. It's still a great read. </aside>
     

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