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A Mercenary's Confession

Discussion in 'Diablo 2 Community Forum' started by tao4now, Mar 22, 2004.

  1. tao4now

    tao4now IncGamers Member

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    A Mercenary's Confession

    Overheard outside Malah's in Harogath..

    Malah: So, how can I help you today?
    Merc: Well, I think my mistress is trying to kill me!
    Malah: That's a serious charge. What makes you think she would do such a thing?
    Merc: She took away the wonderful gear she gave me. Cruel stygian pike with massive leech, Black Hades armor with three enhanced damage jewels, that green helm with crushing blow..
    Malah: Did she give you any replacements?
    Merc: Yeah, I got a leather armor made by some company named "Cracked."
    Malah: Maybe you should start at the beginning. What's your name?
    Merc: Waheed, although everyone calls me "Warhead."
    Malah: Well, Warhead, tell me about your mistress.
    Warhead: She's a level 92 hybrid zon. We've been together since her first trip to nightmare act two.
    Malah: That's a long time. Did you recently have a falling out with her?
    Warhead: I'm not sure. I mean, we don't really communicate much.
    Malah: What do you mean?
    Warhead: Well, when she talks out loud, it's some language I don't understand, nothing like Arreatish. Sometimes words appear above her head, but I can't read.
    Malah: And has this happened much lately?
    Warhead: Our last trip out she was swearing a lot. I may not know the language but I know what cussing sounds like.
    Malah: Why don't you tell me what happened on your last trip out?
    Warhead: It wasn't unusual in any way. I mean, I just did what I always do.
    Malah: Start at the beginning of the run.
    Warhead: Okay. We popped into existence in Harogath in that weird way it happens, you know. Not like waking up and going to work, just BAM and you're there. Anyway, mistress cast one of those nasty valkyries and we hit the waypoint to one of the ice caverns.
    Malah: I take it you don't get along with the valkyries?
    Warhead: : Insufferable witches if you ask me. They've gotten a lot worse since the beginning of Age 110, but they've always had their glowing noses stuck up in the air. They think they're so good, then why can't they get gear custom configured like a merc?
    Malah: Go on.
    Warhead: Anyway, like I said, it was just your typical day, nothing at all out of the ordinary. Mistress and the valkyrie would take off in one direction, and I struck out on my own, as far as my leash would let me go.
    Malah: Your leash?
    Warhead: Yeah, you know, that magical thread that keeps you from getting too far away from your mistress. I like to go right out to the limit of mine.
    Malah: I see. Then what happened?
    Warhead: Well, the mistress really likes slaying monsters. I mean, like she's got this obsession with it or something. Like all the demons of hell would come boiling out of the ground if she didn't, you know? Anyway, I try real hard to please her, so there I am at the limit of my leash, and I popped some monsters -
    Malah: Wait a minute.. popped?
    Warhead: Woke them up. Got close enough to them to activate their homing instinct and get them to attack.
    Malah: Got it. Go ahead.
    Warhead: So I popped some monsters, and it looked like a good pack of them too. At least seven frenzytaurs and an extra-fast, extra-strong boss with fanaticism.
    Malah: Then what did you do?
    Warhead: The same thing as usual. I took off as fast as I could run toward my mistress.
    Malah: I see. Then what happened?
    Warhead: Well, like I told you, she really likes killing monsters. So she had this pack of like mana burn physical immune ghosts she was tangling with when me and the frenzytaurs came running into the battle.
    Malah: Then what did you do?
    Warhead: I kept running. Like I said, I like to explore the limits of my leash, so I went as far in the opposite direction as I could to see if there were more monsters I could pop and bring back to the mistress.
    Malah: I think I'm beginning to understand. What did you do next?
    Warhead: Well, I kept thinking I was forgetting something, and then I remembered that I was supposed to activate my might aura. I'm really forgetful about that thing. So I turned that on, but the mistress for some reason called a retreat.
    Malah: So you backed away from the battle?
    Warhead: Yes, but I walked real slow. I didn't want the monsters to think I was a coward or anything. Besides, it would have looked bad in front of the valkyrie. I can't stand that.
    Malah: Did the monsters give chase?
    Warhead: You know it. They were pissed to the max for some reason. You know how the minions of hell are - they always have something hot and sulfurous stuck up their behinds.
    Malah: And then what happened?
    Warhead: I was fighting a valiant rear-guard action, making sure that I didn't kill anything the mistress might want to kill later. We whipped around a bend in the cavern and lost the boss pack. It was kind of a shame. They look real neat when they double-swing those axes. They make these little swoops in the air..
    Malah: Let's get back to the run. After you lost the boss pack, what did you do?
    Warhead: Well, it looked like the mistress was reloading her belt, so I self-healed a little while I waited. Then she took off down an unexplored corridor.
    Malah: And?
    Warhead: And the mistress walked smack into another boss pack. From where I was, it looked like might-enchanted frenzytaurs, but I might have been wrong.
    Malah: Wait a minute.. what do you mean "from where you were?" Weren't you in the battle?
    Warhead: Oh, heck no! You see, the mistress had walked around a corner. I don't do corners so well. I may be level ninety-one and have the ability to deal awesome damage, but I'm no genius, you know. And those corners can be mighty tough to get around. Sometimes I have to stand in the corner until that magic "ping!" goes off and I teleport to the mistress on the other side of the dungeon. But not this time.
    Malah: Why not?
    Warhead: Because the mistress town-portaled back to Harogath. That's when she started stripping gear off me.
    Malah: Did she say anything?
    Warhead: Nothing I could understand, but she seemed upset. I thought she was going to upgrade my equipment so we could go back out there, but she didn't.
    Malah: Did anything else happen?
    Warhead: No. Well, actually, that darn valkyrie kept pointing at me and laughing. But you know how they are. All those "castables" are a bunch of freaks. Tyreal only knows what they consider funny, anyway.
    Malah: Okay, I think I've got the picture.
    Warhead: Good, because I don't want what happened to my predecessor to happen to me.
    Malah: What's that?
    Warhead: Well, old mercs don't get fired. When the boss doesn't want us anymore, and they can't hire someone at the same level, they just take us out into a fight we can't win and then abandon us.
    Malah: Can't you be ressurected?
    Warhead: Sure, assuming the boss will actually do it. Now that I've been stripped of my gear, I'm afraid my minutes are numbered.
    Malah: Funny you should use that phrase.
    Warhead: No, I mean it literally. See those gold numbers up there in the corner of the sky?
    Malah: Ah yes, what Anya calls the "essojay counter."
    Warhead: Well, I've got this sinking suspicion that it has something to do with how long I have to live.
    Malah: I see. Well, why don't you take this potion?
    Warhead: Is it to help me sleep?
    Malah: Sort of. It will make you proof against pain. I have the feeling you'll be needing it soon..
     
  2. BipolarTemp

    BipolarTemp IncGamers Member

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    LOL, that was great! :lol: Gotta love making up commentary for DII characters. Strangely enough, every mercenary I've ever had named Waheed was the strongest creature ever to mindlessly putter around Act 2 (I usually killed them by then, but that's not the point). It's gotten to the point where I don't even look at the mercenaries auras; I just try and find one named Waheed and I know I'm good to go. :thumbsup:
     
  3. Ferrous

    Ferrous IncGamers Member

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    LOL, great story.
     
  4. Ryshenron

    Ryshenron IncGamers Member

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    nice story...but this should prob be in fan fiction
     
  5. tao4now

    tao4now IncGamers Member

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    *chuckle* Possibly, but my point was to poke fun at the pitiful AI the mercs are given, compared to, say, the valk or the shadow master, which in a general sense seem to be better.
    Of course, instead of just coming out and saying that, I decided to vent my frustration in a little story, for mostly my own enjoyment.
     
  6. Ryshenron

    Ryshenron IncGamers Member

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    i see..i see, prob shoulda followed it up with a little blurb about ur feelings on it..i jsut simply didnt get the whole reason for teh post...simple mistake..its happens...nice story
     
  7. fantascii

    fantascii IncGamers Member

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    omg, that was hilarious. ablsolutely made my day. hooray for stupid mercs
     
  8. Lostprophet

    Lostprophet IncGamers Member

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    So funny. So true. Waheed's "logical" take on his actions are just the greatest. You should write more of these and post them in the ailing Fan Fiction section.

    :thumbsup: Great job.
     
  9. Usufruct

    Usufruct IncGamers Member

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    This reminds me a lot of my Rogue Merc who thinks that it's better for her to run right up to Mephisto and fire arrows at him at point blank range, rather than stay away and stay alive. YOU'RE A RANGED ATTACKER, YOU DUMB SLUT. :)
     
  10. krmetal

    krmetal IncGamers Member

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    That was GREAT!!! I needed a good laugh on a monday! :clap:
     
  11. tao4now

    tao4now IncGamers Member

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    Thanks everyone for your kind words; I'm glad you enjoyed my little funny story and hope it brought a smile to your Monday.

    Warhead - I love you and hate you. I lavish upon you better gear than I'll ever wear, only to watch you stumble ineffectually around the dungeon with all the killing efficiency of a pregnant blindworm in the throes of an epileptic grand mal seizure.
    I pump fat purples into your ravenous bloodstream at a prodigous rate, just to save me the inconvenience of a trip to town.
    I treasure your aura, and detest your skill.
    I spend billions on resurrections and gleefully watch you die to an act boss when you've ticked me off one time too many.
    I often wonder if you're worth the trouble of keeping alive. Then for some arcane reason, I find my self at Tyrael once again, saying "Being an angel, I don't know what the heck you need money for, but here's another fifty large. Fetch Warhead from hell, willya?"

    I must be crazy.
     
  12. Diab

    Diab IncGamers Member

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    Great story. Just wondering, what helm is this you're talking about? Or is this some helm you just made up? (my merc needs baal-killing power :lol: )
     
  13. Lostprophet

    Lostprophet IncGamers Member

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    I was presuming he meant Guilluame's Face (probably spelled wrong), a set item Winged Helm with something like 30% CB.
     
  14. tao4now

    tao4now IncGamers Member

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    That's the one, part of the Orphan's Call set I believe, and a handy item for adding additional damage on the cheap with thirty-five percent crushing blow. Fifteen percent deadly strike along with it, too.
    With the exception of the gloves (Magnus Skin) that whole set can be useful, at least as far as the individual items go. Whitstan's Guard is widely known for the highest blocking percentage, and the belt Wilhelm's Pride is dual-leech, if you need off-weapon and/or off-jewelry leech.
    Together they blow pretty hard though, with only one really good mod for a full set bonus (eighty percent magic find) and a slightly respectable fifteen percent resist all. And the set has terrible partial boni.

    Diabolico probably thought I meant the graphics for the helm were green, but I was talking about the words (set item), as LP correctly deduced.

    All the stuff I mentioned is actually on my Warhead right now. He does indeed serve a hybrid zon. And on those rare occasions when she can actually twist his arm into poking monsters with that yellow (rare) stick, he does pretty decent damage.
     
  15. Diab

    Diab IncGamers Member

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    Yep, thanks, that clears it up for me. I was looking for a green helm with CB, other than a Gaze and a Shako. :lol:
     

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