It Must Be True
We regret to inform you that this week?s installment of ?The Lion?s Toes? will not be seen in this timeslot. Instead we are pleased to offer a very special presentation, as Bill ?The Penguin? Zanderschmidt delves deep into enemy territory in Geeks Gone Wild!
Hello and welcome! This week I?ve chosen to take a break from my role as accountant superhero to the rich and famous, in order to ?mix it? with the younger generation. Now being as I am in my late twenties, I am of course completely out of touch with the youth of today. The networks refer to this type of thing as ?radical culture shock; a guarantee of compulsive viewing amongst our key demographics?. I prefer to compare it to a bucket attempting to fly an aeroplane.
Anyway, the people in charge have sent me off to the jungles of Battle.net, their only request being that I survey the inhabitants and bring back some nice, shiny trinkets. So here I go?
First question, and it?s an easy one. Why do you play Diablo II?
[*]24% Because it?s fun.
[*]21% Because I?m a pro, and I enjoy showing off my skills.
[*]15% Because this game sucks and Blizzard ruined it with the latest patch and I hate it.
[*]13% I collect items in the hope that they may some day appreciate in value.
[*]9% I?m trying to pick up.
[*]8% I?m an addict.
[*]5% I?m a bot.
[*]2% Conan O?Brien is holding me at gunpoint and forcing me to play.
Alrighty then. I think the ice is sufficiently broken. Let?s find out what the most popular aspects of the game are. What?s your favourite character class?
[*]11% Sor?huh, you mean there are others?
And how about your favourite act?
[*]32% Act 5
[*]31% The Moo Moo Farm
[*]15% Act 1
[*]9% Act 4
[*]7% Act 2
Interesting. Tell me: how do you deal with newbies?
[*]51% I can?t stand newbies. They?re the scum of the Internet and they should all be put down.
[*]27% If I see a newbie I shoot him in the face and leave him for dead.
[*]19% Newbies are female, homosexual prostitutes of African-American origin. And I hate them for that.
[*]3% I try to be polite. Everyone was a newbie once.
Let?s talk Hypotheticals. Say you?ve been battling through Act 1 alongside the latest addition to your friends list, when they reveal to you that they are in fact female. What is your reaction?
[*]41% None; I would keep playing as normal. Gender isn?t an issue in online gaming.
[*]38% I wouldn?t believe them.
[*]11% I?d ask them out.
No, really, what would be your reaction?
[*]38% I?d ask them out.
[*]33% I wouldn?t believe them.
[*]26% I?d make fun of them for being different.
[*]2% I?d stalk them.
[*]1% I?d propose.
What if I told you that I was female?
[*]78% I don?t believe you; a female gamer wouldn?t call herself Bill, let alone play as a male character.
[*]22% Will you marry me?
Maybe we should look at a different situation. Say I offered to trade you my bugged 1.08 Windforce that does 50 points more damage than it should. What would you give me for it?[LIST]
[*]31% Perfect Diamond.
[*]23% Fifty Bucks.
[*]16% Upgraded version of Isenhart?s Case.
[*]15% Nothing. Illegitimate items ruin the game.
[*]9% Nothing. I already have seven of those.
[*]6% Nothing. That was my drop and you stole it. Give it to me now, n00b.
Now let?s discuss the issue of morality. What is your stance on cheating?
[*]41% Totally unacceptable. Maphack isn?t a cheat though, it?s part of the game.
[*]20% Cheating is unacceptable.
[*]14% Except for botting; that saves time.
[*]10% And chickenhack, which is necessary for surviving in Hardcore.
[*]9% Drophacks and tradehacks are acceptable as well, as long as the victim is a n00b.
[*]5% Manslaughter is okay if you don?t get caught.
[*]1% Moreso if it nets you a Buriza.
And your thoughts on scamming?[LIST]
[*]31% It?s immoral and wrong.
[*]29% I?ve been known to take advantage of a few newbies on occasion.
[*]24% Drop Trading ? the only way to barter.
[*]9% I live in Atma?s tavern.
[*]7% I once sold somebody Jerhyn?s palace in return for two Stones of Jordan.
What do you think of player-killing in general?
[*]25% It?s an entertaining diversion from the humdrum of monster-killing.
[*]22% Player-killers are just annoying.
[*]20% Not only is it wrong, but it is also against the fundamental tenets of civilized conduct within our society. Anyone who kills another player ? for any reason ? is a socially-retarded misfit in dire need of counseling.
[*]18% I?ll do anything it takes to remove the competition.
[*]11% And I mean anything.
Time to test your trivia knowledge. Which NPC is credited with having ?bathed in the blood of a hundred virgins??
[*]14% The Countess
[*]6% Deckard Cain
What are the names of the four lesser evils?
[*]26% Andariel, Duriel, Belial, Asmodan.
[*]25% Andariel, Duriel, Mephisto, Pindleskin.
[*]21% Sloth, Gluttony, Lust, Pride.
[*]18% Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Powell.
[*]7% Yellow Bile, Black Bile, Phlegm, Blood.
[*]3% Skipping church, watching TV, playing violent games, touching yourself at night.
Spell ?Buriza-Do Kyanon?.
[*]30% Buriza Do Kanyon
[*]27% Buzira Do Kyanon
[*]16% Burrito Dough Cannon
[*]15% Buriza Do Kyanon
[*]12% Fukc U Nub
Who created the Diablo series?
[*]44% Bill Roper
[*]28% Geoff Fraizer
[*]14% Edgar Allan Poe
[*]4% Hernando Cortez
[*]2% Oscar Wilde
And finally, let?s look ahead. What are your thoughts on a possible ?World of Diablo??
[*]99% I think it?s a really stupid idea, and that Blizzard should first focus on a ?proper? sequel to Diablo II. MMORPGs are not the only way into the future, damn it!
[*]1% I concur.
Wow, concise. And if you could choose one thing to be included in the next installment of the Diablo series, what would it be?
[*]28% God mode.
[*]27% Naked Amazons.
[*]24% Tyrael as a playable character.
I think that about wraps things up. Now I?d best get out of here before the natives decide to turn hostile and lay claim to my posterior as their own. So from the festering hive of immorality more commonly referred to as the Internet, this is Bill Zanderschmidt, bidding you all good night.
Disclaimer: The Lion’s Toes was written by Leon (Robert McGrath-Kerr) and hosted by Diabloii.net. The opinions expressed in these columns are those of the author, and not necessarily those of Diii.net.