The 1.10 patch brought the world of Sanctuary a lot of new things: special items, synergies, and elemental druids to name but a few. And if you can but ignore the lost children who cry for the death of maphack? well, you clearly don?t have much of a social conscience. Scrooge. Idiots is people too, you know.
But what of that greatest of offerings that the new patch has delivered unto us? I am of course referring not to the barbarian?s purdy new whirlwind graphic, but to the Diablo Clone, swallower of Stones of Jordan. Many question this addition of a creature that consumes the primary currency of Sanctuary purely to sustain itself. It?s a bit like Enron in some respects; the money of the people goes in, and a chosen few emerge as the bearers of great wealth. And I can tell you now, if all those lucky little buggers with Annihilus charms were locked up I?d be one happy little vegemite. But then I do rather hate vegemite so perhaps that?s just as well.
Nonetheless we have ourselves a problem. Money is going down on this clone faster than
. And even if the rumours that the Stone of Jordan counter is a fake prove to hold merit?well, there?ll always be idiots out there. Right now they?re busy trying to work out how to right-click without a hack, but I?m sure they?ll be along soon enough. Until then we can amuse ourselves.
No, not like that.
Where were we? Ah, yes. The economy. It makes for fascinating reading. Even when you aren?t high. And though I hate (love) to be the bearer of bad news, there just can?t be any sugar-coating in this particular instance. Sanctuary is in financial trouble. And it?s up to us to save it. You?ve given of your lives and your weapon durability in your quest to make this virtual world a better place?now it?s time to give your support.
So, what?s the easiest way for a country to drag itself out of debt? By printing more money? Nope. Implementation of sound economic decisions, along with furthered support of free enterprise? Don?t be absurd. Communism? Not in my neighborhood.
It is clear that the only way we can save our economy is by forging ahead and finding a new currency with which to deal in. I?ve gone to exhaustive lengths in my research to locate the best possible alternatives to the affectionately-named SOJ, and I present them to you now as follows:
[*]Pros: They?re as common as wooden legs and twice as fabulous (still not very).
[*]Cons: People hate them.
[*]Suggestion: Throw in a free set of steak knives.
[*]Pros: They?re slightly more common than Isenhart?s Case.
[*]Cons: They disintegrate upon exposure to air.
[*]Suggestion: Rename item to ?Ninja Turtle Headband? and make them in blue, purple, and orange. If anyone is wondering why Raphael misses out, well it?s because nobody ever really liked him.
[*]Pros: It?s everywhere.
[*]Cons: It?s everywhere.
[*]Suggestion: Learn to love it.
[*]Pros: They can be found all over the place: inside jars, behind trees, in tall grass, etc.
[*]Cons: They don?t actually exist within the world of Sanctuary.
[*]Suggestion: Merge with Nintendo ASAP. Expect Diablo Party I sometime next Fall.
[*]Pros: They?re rare and not altogether unpleasant.
[*]Cons: They hate you and everything you?ve ever loved.
[*]Suggestion: Don?t treat them as objects. And while you?re about it, try not to mock them unless it?s absolutely necessary. Not everyone likes being called a ?stupid tree-loving n00b?. I do, but that?s another story (and one that my parole officer won?t let me recount).
[*]Pros: I?ve heard these are quite common.
[*]Cons: I?ve never actually seen one.
[*]Suggestion: If by any chance you have seen the mythical Sanctuarian Cookie Cutter, please don?t hesitate to drop me a line.
[*]Pros: None that I can think of.
[*]Cons: They?re loud, annoying, and more populous than anything in the universe you?d care to name.
[*]Suggestion: Diablo Clone is hungry.
But what good is a new currency if the masses aren?t willing to accept it? Look at that whole ?Euro? debacle that affected those silly northern countries not so long ago. People were rioting and setting fire to each other for weeks, if not minutes. What was the problem? Lack of positive enforcement. Also they were crazy foreigners, practically begging for an excuse to eat their pets.
Regardless of which new currency we decide upon, the fact remains that the economic revolution will need to be organized. What follows is a list of the three different steps that we together must take to ensure a smooth transition into this new financial world:
Step #1 ? It?s Rumour Time!
Those among you who live in small caves high up in the mountains may have some difficulty with the concept of the humble rumour, but the rest of you should have no such trouble. Still, if my experiences in the jungles of battle.net have taught me anything, it?s that not everyone in the world has had the benefit of a primary school education. And that I?m a stupid, overweight loser with no girlfriend. So I?m going to spell it out, just to be safe.
(Side note: A wise man once told me that one should never insult the intelligence of one?s readers. And I mocked him. But moving on?).
Person A says something to Person B. It doesn?t matter what it is. They could be talking about the weather, or discussing the price of a new car, or even spoiling the plot of the third Lord of the Rings movie (Aragorn dies). Like I said, it matters not. All that is required is that Person C overhears them. He then has a conversation with Person D, and suddenly what began as a sarcastic discussion of Peter Jackson?s possible motive for including railguns in Return of the King has evolved into Internet Gospel – without doubt the best kind of gospel. Nobody in their right mind is going to disbelieve something they read on the Internet. How else do you imagine Nigeria became so wealthy? Here?s a hint: it wasn?t communism.
So gather your wits and crank up the male bovine excrement machine! Then let us move on to phase two of our cunning plan:
Step #2 ? Hoard: Not Just For Orcs!
Not only am I now a shoe-in for the Lame Pun of the Year award, but I?ve actually made a very insightful and poignant observation as to the way our glorious capitalist society operates (remember, this is the Internet, so everything I say is true and pretty damn awesome to boot). But I?d better stop prattling on, lest I drown in my own pretentiousness.
There are wealthy people in our society (?egad!? you say), just as there are poor people. This can be a perk or a drawback, depending upon where you sit. Most prefer the fence, and I can?t say that I blame them. Well I could, but it wouldn?t do much to further my point. Which is that we should all hoard our candidate for the new D2 currency as much as we possibly can (and then some!).
?Why should we do this?? you may ask. Well I know that I for one am a nasty, greedy little sod. And you probably are too. But hey, if you don?t want to be rich?I?ve heard that Mother Russia is pretty welcoming around this time of year.
You might also ask, ?But doesn?t this uneven distribution of wealth defeat the purpose of creating a new economy in the first place?? And the answer once again is no, stupid! It worked in D2 classic, so why shouldn?t it work now?
That?s enough questions! It?s time for the final phase:
Step #3 ? Crush the Empire of Jordan!
It won?t be enough to rely on the Diablo Clone to finish off the last remnants of the old economy. We?re going to have to do this ourselves.
And what luck! We just so happen to be playing a game where the formation of an Inquisition could almost be considered ?acceptable?! Grab your maces and crossbows my friends; we?re hunting stones!
?okay, so maybe that?s not the world?s most impressive war-cry. But the alternative was ?raping and butchering the people of Jordan?, and that?s a nightmare of lawsuits I don?t ever want to experience.
The steps have been outlined. The procedure is without flaw. And yet the question remains: can we ever realistically hope to bring these changes about?
The answer lies with you, dear readers. Only you have the power to make a difference. Trust in the financial advice of this old fool, and stand up for what I believe in.
Now if you?ll excuse me, I?m off to spend thirty dollars on Doritos.
Disclaimer: The Lion’s Toes was written by Leon (Robert McGrath-Kerr) and hosted by Diabloii.net. The opinions expressed in these columns are those of the author, and not necessarily those of Diii.net.