Five Ways to Avoid Being Killed by a Cow

    Prepare to be shocked and/or appalled. This piece is not about the Secret Cow Level (well, not entirely). Instead I wish to draw your attention to something far more sinister. Yes, more sinister than stealing a dead boy’s wooden leg as a prelude to the slaughter of hundreds of bovines.

    We’ve long believed the humble cow to be something of a gentle creature.  These magnificent yet stinky beasts have a tendency to spend all of their days munching on grass and starting at fences. One might even consider them to be lacking in intelligence.

    That’s only what they want you to think.

    Modern popular culture has always had a lot to answer for. Curly fries, for one thing. What on Earth were they thinking? And don’t get me started on pre-faded jeans – the 90s answer to the Poncho. But alas my train of thought has grown wings and flown away. Let’s get back on track.

    There are plenty of warning signs to be found in today’s media concerning the inevitable Rise of the Cows. I will attempt to outline a number of them here:

    -The Secret Cow Level in Diablo II. Okay, so try and tell me you weren’t expecting this one right off the bat. Blizzard have clearly and accurately depicted the early stages of the bovine fight against indignity, where the cows take to the farmers armed with halberds and pitchforks. Note that in the ‘real world’ farmers don’t have bugged occy rings or the ability to cast level 32 Nova. I kid you not. As such we can expect a much…bloodier…end to this portion of the conflict. Body popping aplenty. Don’t look at me like that.

    -The song ‘Cows with Guns’ by Dana Lyons. In particular the line ‘He was a scrawny calf, who looked rather woozy. No one suspected he was packing an Uzi.’ Naturally this details the first introduction of the bovines to firearms, which quickly becomes preamble to the second escalation of the battle. Of course the song in its entirety paints a highly amusing and idealistic picture of the Cow-Human war; the darker undertones blending seamlessly within the wrappings of blatant rhetoric. It’s so painfully simplistic that it’s ingenious. I think.

    -The prophecy of Nostradamus. Of note is Century 2, Quatrain 24, which states:

    [INDENT]‘Beasts ferocious with hunger will cross the rivers,
    The greater part of the battlefield will be against Hister.
    Into a cage of iron will the great one be drawn,
    When the child of Germany observes nothing.’[/INDENT]

    Obviously ‘Hister’ is a reference to mankind, with ‘Germany’ referring to the great, anti-cattle industries of Europe and the United States. Luring man into a cage of his own devise that will ultimately prove to be his undoing…the irony is far more delicious than any hamburger. Even one laced with fairy dust and hewn from the bones of the stillborn. Yum indeed.

    Along with the three examples listed above, there are countless others that are far too mind-blowing to even warrant a mention, lest your head explode at the very notion of the opportunity to bask in their greatness.  You probably wouldn’t want that.

    Furthermore, you might be wondering at this point as to how such symbolism found its way into mainstream entertainment. The answer is perfectly simple: psionic waves. The Grand Cow Guru (GCG) and his Cardinals employ this wicked technique in order to influence the minds of humans everywhere. They also control the CIA. And they like to make fun of your weight problem while you sleep.

    So what can be done about this impending scourge of Friday night dinners everywhere? Well, in a word, nothing. If I may quote the great poet Jonathan Connor, “you can’t stop Judgment Day”. But nevertheless there are still plenty of ways in which you may ‘soften’ the impact of the earlier stages of the conflict. As a community service, I have listed the top five as follows:

    5. Do not eat at McDonald’s. This one is simple enough, really. You may have noticed that nowadays the Big M employs a different method of preparing its beef. Rather than taking in shipped crates of frozen patties, they instead receive truckloads of live cattle, which are promptly fed through mincers at the back of the store before going straight onto the grill. And THEY DON’T CUT ANY BITS OFF! I don’t know whether to applaud their ingenuity or engage in a spot of projectile-vomiting.

    It should be worth noting that this will not actually prevent any direct cattle-related physical injury whatsoever. But it will save your arteries.

    4. Do not wear leather on a farm. It’s tantamount to going to a Neo-Nazi fancy dress ball as Woody Allen. And if said farm is not in possession of any cattle, then you are likely on a rice farm and therefore a Hippie. In which case you don’t know what the internet is and could not possibly be reading this.

    3. Kill cows before you eat them! I cannot stress this enough. If I hear one more story about how “little Jimmy innocently tried to gnaw the toes off a two-tonne fire-breathing bull and now he has no face” I’m going to cry. Or laugh. Probably the latter.

    2. Attempting to infiltrate the ranks of the bovines in a pantomime cow costume is considered especially unwise. Here’s a hint: cows don’t have zippers.

    Finally, and perhaps most importantly of all:

    1. Order your cattle-protection kit now! It comes with cow traps, cow decoys, cow nets, cow lures, and over four hundred different warning sirens! At only $40.03, it’s practically a steal! That is, assuming you’re one of those thieves who robs his own family to feed the rich and attempts to murder people by giving them flowers and Hallmark cards. What a crazy world we live in! Note: no refunds.

    I suppose it should be stressed that I can provide no guarantee that any of the above methods of avoiding cattle-related injury are either practical or feasible. For every ten people huddled away in an exit-less fallout shelter, it’s pretty much a given that a cow will fall from the sky and crush at least four of them. The best we can hope for is to ride out the coming end of days, in the vain belief that we may yet live to see a brighter tomorrow. Free of intolerance, oppression, and steak.

    Disclaimer: The Lion’s Toes was written by Leon (Robert McGrath-Kerr) and hosted by Diabloii.net. The opinions expressed in these columns are those of the author, and not necessarily those of Diii.net.

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