Stillman’s Slab #37: Lord De Seis is Going to Kill You

Full time villainous hermit Stillman continues his Chaos Run stretch with an autopsy of Hell’s deadliest foe. Lord De Seis is on a mission to make you pay for what you did to him before. All that success you had exploiting his home makes him angry. And all you can do to avoid your tenth death by his gang is…apply exploitation tactics harder than ever before! Click through below for a new take on the infamous and beloved seal boss.

Lord De Seis is Going to Kill You

Lord De Seis is not French. His name is probably the word ?decease? broken up a bit and spelled differently for a good laugh. Ohhhh, very clever Blizzard. But I wonder if his purpose, like his name, is meant to be a clever joke on players. De Seis is all about metaknowledge. He knows life is all about doing several Chaos runs, and aye, most of the time things will run smoothly as he spawns with meaningless abilities. See, sometimes he is a piece of cake because he knows you will be back for more. But other times, he kills you before you know which idiot succumbing to ADHD hit the seal.

The big trouble arises when De Seis spawns with Extra Fast and a Fanaticism aura. This is a common occurrence due to the pitifully small pool of abilities mini bosses have to choose from. Whenever he has these two speedy traits, his thugs FLY into you much faster than human reaction time. And don’t think for a moment you are gifted and can react faster than De Seis’ crew. Studies were done to see if Mohammad Ali had faster than average reaction time when boxing, but it was discovered his reaction time was the same as everyone else’s; he just studied his opponents’ movements to guess their next attack.

This is pretty much what good Chaos runners do. If you know what’s best, you will have an exploitation tea party every time you hit Lord De Seis’ seal. First, you may tell your mercenary not to be a hero. The best way to do this is have him killed in advance. If you are using a Multi Shot Amazon, you can hang way the hell back and let De Seis’ crowd have it without ever having to see their ugly undead faces. The leech animation tells you when it’s all over. Obviously, you will want to set up a town portal and run like hell toward it the instant you see something speeding towards you. Be sure to humbly baby step your way around the bend. You should always click ahead just a bit, and while running to the new spot some two feet in front of you, glide your mouse pointer right back behind you so all you have to do is click and you will be off running like the smart coward you are. Then, if you find he has Extra Fast, it’s just a matter of taking the Waypoint back and sniping everything off from behind as you lure them out one by one like teenagers in a slasher flick.

Of course, it often works the other way around, with players getting slashed to death instead. This is due to our innate impatience from scores of successful, fast runs in the past. Brilliant! De Seis, then, is the ultimate noob unfriendly experience. His mob can spawn anywhere in De Seis’ hallway of the dammed, plus you are always blocked in no matter which map you get. Nowhere is safe! Unless you are partied with close friends and professional Chaos runners, someone is guaranteed to hit the seal prematurely and kill any bait loitering in or around the hall. And, if I remember correctly, the yellowish swirly thing that marks the spot of spawning is irrelevant and sometimes off by many yards. Furthermore, there is sometimes an unusually long delay between the time the seal is hit and the time the mighty mob appears.

?Hit seal. Ready. Ready. Go. Did you hit seal? Click on the?AAAAAARRYYGHHH!!?

Even when playing solo, you need to have some respect for this one monster. If you get lazy, or slip up, or hope the odds are in your favor that he won’t spawn anything too deadly, then he will kill you. It’s just a matter of time.

Patch 1.13 may have actually made Lord De Seis even stronger. If he curses you with anything these days, it is almost always Amplify Damage which is wonderful for his goons since all they do is run up and swing like mad. Two hits when cursed will kill almost any Necromancer or Sorceress regardless of how relentlessly you dumped points into vitality.

So of course, this brings up some gameplay issues we are reminded of when dealing with Lord De Seis. Blizzard themselves noted how, due to the infinite health players have via potion spamming, the only way monsters can pose a challenge is by very quickly killing players with one hit. Another problem branching off from this is how most builds are best off dropping almost every stat point into vitality. But afterwards, is it enough to survive two hits from De Seis’ crowd? Nope. Hence, the lust for life points leaks over into the item mod world too.

There is also the strong inclination to just play solo to avoid the inevitable blunder by some impatient fool. The game is a click fest, and the seal…oh, it’s just so big and easy to clicky click click clicky…darn, it won’t open unless I run up and hit it at an angle…I’ll fix that! I’ll master this and clickity clickity click click it really fast and I’ll do it every game, every time! Oh yeah…what’s that noise down the hall? It almost sounds like my buddies screaming…Why u so mad, mister? Me go fast fast.

These problems are nothing, however, compared to the bigger problem of the game being so darn easy after all these years. Lord De Seis makes a mess of our entrails because we expect nothing less than ease and grace going through the game’s toughest places. We need Lord De Seis to be as challenging as he is to show us who is boss! Impatient players need to be taught a lesson.

Before Lord De Seis shows up with a reality check, the Chaos Sanctuary is much like a fun rock concert. The place is dark and packed, it’s got the pyro stuff going on, clouds of steam when the Megademons die, it’s got the lasers from the Storm Casters, a big star in the middle stage, lights coming out of the seal symbols, the whole bit. Then Blizzard comes in like a stage manager or something and yells, ?What is this nonsense?! This is supposed to be big. It’s freakin’ Diablo for crying out loud. Lord De Seis, you’re going to go over there and hump that stage ladder.?

Lord De Seis says, ?Huh? Now hang a sec??

Blizzard says, ?Then, you’re going to dry hump this lighting fixture that falls down. And you’re going to do it in tight leather pants and purple lipstick.?

?Woah, woah, that’s really not my thing??

Blizzard goes on, ?Then, there’s going to be smashed glass all over the place and you’re going to dry hump that too, and you’re going to moan and groan into this tiny microphone on your face, and this will all go on the poster.?
?Uh…now hold on, boss. Can’t we discuss this? I mean??

Then Blizzard says, ?Wait…This is the last Act until the expansion? Ah, crap. De Seis, instead of all that, you’re going to go over there and wipe out any noob elitist pigs that walk down that hallway. Kill their friends too.?

?Yes Sir!?

?You’re going to curse the hell out of any trespassers, and kill them in two hits. Hell, go ahead and chill them anyway, just to make the point clear.?

?Yes Sir! Right away Sir!?

?Then, your boys are going to do ten times the same overkill just for good measure. Those idiots will be making the clockwise turn, they’ll be lickin’ their chops after that easy Grand Visor of Chaos incident, then, they will meet extra fast Doom Knight fanatics and get cut down like a rain forest.?

?YES SIR!!? De Seis starts doing push ups on his pinkie and index fingers.

And so, the Chaos Sanctuary became a pretty deadly serious place thanks only to Lord De Seis. Now here are a few ways Lord De Seis could be improved:

-Whenever he kills you, Don’t Fear the Reaper by The Blue Oyster Cult starts playing.
-Whenever he kills you, his thugs back off so De Seis himself can go over and curb stomp your corpse.
-Make him steal your potions like in earlier versions (only this time, ALL of them, the whole damn belt!)

Yes, De Seis could steal potions from your belt, proving he was always a low down dirty son of a bitch.
Hopefully, he will return in Diablo 3. Now, are you ready for this gorefest? Lord De Seis is honestly the only character in Diablo 2 that makes the Chaos Sanctuary look like this:

Opinions expressed in columns and guest articles are those of their authors, and not necessarily those of

Stillman’s Slab is where all Diablo characters are dissected and examined piece by piece. It is written by Nicholas Stillman to reintroduce Diablo series topics in a new light or put forth novel themes that have not been fully explored in the forums. Slurry collected from the centrifuge will always contain something new and unheard of at the time of publication. Post your comments below or directly.

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